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Good morning, y’all. How do we sort out the news? Positive speeches from the DNC, Hillary and Bernie making nice and we find out the Russkies feel like they have a stake in our election. Seems like the DNC mail server hack originated in Russia, and one can only wonder if the Donald asked his old friend “Mad Dog” Putin to do him a solid and see if he could dig up any dirt on Hillary. Meantime, the Donald won’t reveal his tax returns which would certainly reveal the source of the money he’s used to build his empire. Would there be sweet irony in Trump’s run for the presidency ending in a charge of treason?

Speaking of digging up dirt brigs us back to the retelling of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Elders were still abuzz with their visit to the Crystal Palace when they met after Wednesday Night Prayer meeting.

Elder Cheatum started the group discussion, “Now, lest I get prideful, and we all knows what happens when we get prideful, I would like to say that a move to a properly sized house of worship is something that this congregation deserves.” “The parishioners at The Full Gospel Original Church of God have endured a lot of hardships in 2015, and met them all head on.”

Elder Cheatum looked about the table, “Let’s all be honest folks, when you’re strapping single wide trailers onto the side of your church to provide ample seating, well, it’s time to step up and make a bold move.” “Taking over the “Crystal Palace” will be a bold move on several fronts, but I think the congregation should take the step.” “Our congregation is made up of good folks who have been loyal and true to their beliefs.” “Now that our ‘brand’ has become popular, I think our followers should enjoy the fruits of their labors.”

Mulva Lite voiced her concern as soon as she was able to speak. “I think you all may be putting the cart before the horse a little bit”, she said as she handed out the weekly profit and loss statements. “Not everybody is going to be jumping up and down to drive to Blairsville three times a week to go to church.”

“You’re right Mulva, we’ve thought about that, a lot”, said Elder Cheatum, “but let me tell you the positives.” “First, the building and grounds are in perfect condition.” “Architecturally it is one of the most striking buildings in the area.” “It is glass and steel and looks like a piece of cut crystal coming up out of the ground.” “It’s at the end of the street, with woods behind the pavilion, so we’d have our privacy.” “There is a ton of parking, and I think we could continue our growth there for years to come.”

“Well, that’s all well and good for you fellows that live in Blairsville”, Mulva replied, “I’m just not sure how that’s going to play with the people here in Nunsuch.”

“We understand”, Elder Wiley jumped in, “but we’re putting possibly losing forty regular church goers at risk to capture four hundred in house and thousands more at home.” “Economically, it clearly is a no-brainer.” Elder Wiley paused and continued,”And, I think if you’ll think about the opportunity of spreading our message, you’ll see the sense of what I’m saying.”

“Mulva, the telecasts from inside the Crystal Palace would rival any of the mega-churches in Dallas or Atlanta”, said Elder Diggum. “I think they could place the cameras and microphones to where you wouldn’t even see the cameraman anymore.” “It would be a much better experience for the worshiper.”

“I feel like you all have made up your minds, and I haven’t seen the place”, Mulva replied, “Well, I’ve seen it from the outside, but not gone over everything like you all have.” “I feel like I’m going to need to do the tour before I can get on board.” “You all haven’t already signed the lease have you?”

“No, no, I’ve contacted the listing agent”, said Elder Cheatum, “but that’s as far as it’s gone so far.” “Look, we want everybody to be on board and as excited about the opportunity as we are.” “It’s important to us that you share our enthusiasm.”

Mulva lowered her eyes as she said,”Thank you”, to the collected Elders. She looked back up and determined that the Elders were finished with the details of their field trip. She looked from face to face and began delivering the weekly totals. “Our collection for this past week was five thousand five hundred and eighty five dollars.” “Our donations from TV land was twelve thousand and thirteen dollars.” “We have gone through our first four thousand bookmarks and I’ve ordered twelve thousand more.”

Mulva paused at this point to look around the room, “I’m sorry, I didn’t ask, we just got down to the last hundred bookmarks and I ordered the amount that would give us the biggest price break and had free shipping.” “So, from that bottom line total on your P&L, subtract about three hundred dollars for the new bookmarks.” “We’re going to start adding self addressed envelopes with the bookmarks and our ‘ask’ letters.” “We’ll try that a while and see if it ups the donations.” “If not, we’ll spare the expenses and the aggravation and just send the bookmark and the ask letter.”

“Outstanding Mulva”, said Elder Cheatum, “just outstanding.” “And have you gained any insight into the total viewership of the broadcasts?”

“Well, we had gone through the first four thousand in about ten days after the service”, Mulva replied, “Once we go through this next twelve thousand it should give us a much better feel.” “Of course our premise presumes that everybody wants a bookmark blessed by the Reverend Helena, but that’s a pretty good premise.” Mulva smiled.

“That is a good premise”, Elder Diggum agreed.

“Ok, I’ve just got one more little bit of business to discuss”, Elder Cheatum began. “I mentioned earlier the ‘fruits of our labors’.” “I am of the opinion that our church is doing well enough that we are in a position to fund the Reverend Helen Handbasket, and possibly a few Elders, on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land.”

Mulva Lite’s eyes popped wide open as she listened with her complete attention.

“Turns out, one of the new Elders in training, Waldo Inacrowd, owns a travel agency in Blairsville”, Elder Cheatum continued, “And he tells me that he is in a position to provide the ‘very best accommodations’ at a ‘reasonable rate’ to any of the faithful who might want to take the trek to the Wailing Wall.” “I have taken the liberty of purchasing tickets for the Reverend Helena Handbasket and the group seated here.” ” The first junket is tentatively scheduled for the first week of August 2016, which is kind of the slow season in the Holy Land.”

Elder Cheatum basked in the glow of the warm smiles from the board members.

“If you would like to bring a plus one, I’m told that the second ticket would be at a reduced rate,” Elder Cheatum said, “Also, Brother Waldo says that August is a great time to visit the Middle East because even the Isis stay inside in August.” “You can pass that on to your significant others if you like.”

Back slaps, ‘hear hear’ and thank yous filled the room. When the moment passed, Elder Cheatum looked at the group. “I think that’s enough excitement for one night.” “I move we adjourn this meeting, any objections?”

There were none; and the board of the little church returned to their homes filled with the spirit and the good news of the evening.

Good morning, y’all. Wow, how much fun is it watching articulate educated speakers talk about topics that relate to all of us? Of course I’m talking about the Democratic National Convention. Let me say right here, if Michelle Obama is the same off the stage as she is on it, President Obama showed his brilliance early on in life. She is a rock star. When she related that she woke up each day in a house built by slaves, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. And there shouldn’t have been. I don’t know if her speech can be topped by the other people scheduled to speak, but I’m going to be watching in case some one does.

Speaking of topping a speech bring us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Sunday’s services were marked by the first ever “Opinion Poll” conducted by the church. Elder Cheatum had a moment of regret that he had decided to pick up the comment cards with the collection. The use of the prayer basket to gather the comment cards helped, but the Elder was concerned that the task of filling out the comment card would reduce the tithe. He shouldn’t have worried. Collections were still in line with previous week’s standards based on the preliminary report by Mulva Lite after the services.

A brief scanning of the comment cards revealed that the audience had a lot of questions on their mind. “Was Reverend Handbasket currently seeing anyone?” “What kind of music did Reverend Handbasket like?” and so on. There appeared to be far more comments than parishioners, so Elder Cheatum suggested to Mulva that the Ladies Auxillary sort the cards by topic.

“Divide them based off of actual church business, and everything else”, Elder Cheatum told Mulva. “If Reverend Helena wants to tell the world what kind of music she likes, that might be a good thing for Bud to put on the website.” “I want to be able to count how many people want to stay, how many want to look elsewhere, and how many want to go back to how it was.”

“Ok”, responded the secretary/treasurer as she separated the cash and the checks and created her deposit slip.

Elder Cheatum sighed as he continued, “If I was a smarter man, we would have put out the comment cards with just those three choices and had everybody just check one.” “If we do this again, let’s remember to be focused about our topic.”

Elder Cheatum read a card out loud before sailing it into the waste basket in the corner. “Boxers or briefs?” “What does that even mean?”

“Ok, I’m gone, see you Wednesday night”, said the Elder as he left the office and headed back into the sanctuary where Reverend Handbasket was still blessing pilgrims.

“We’ve got a keeper there”, he thought as he left the parking lot headed to his next mission.

Wednesday morning breakfast placed the three friends in the corner booth of the IHOP in Blairsville with a perfect view from the window of the pouring rain. It was raining buckets, non-stop.

“Well I tell you one thing”, began Elder Diggum, “they’ve cast old Al Gore as a fool, but something funny is going on with our weather.” “Ella made me watch this movie, “An Inconvenient Truth“, and honest to God, I think they’re right.”

“Was this before or after Ella had you crochet the new doilies for the sofa?” asked Elder Wiley.

As Elder Diggum’s mouth was completely full of biscuits and ham, he did not respond. He looked to Elder Cheatum for help, but none was forthcoming.

Elder Cheatum was scanning the classifieds of the North Georgia Gazette. “It’s still there he said as he passed the paper to Elder Wiley. ” “I’m disappointed in the lack of focus shown by our congregation in our comment cards, but I guess I didn’t explain the situation well enough.”

“Heck, who could”, said Elder Wiley, “Our little church in the valley has blown up like a bag of potato chips in a microwave.” “The TV broadcasts are covering the mountains with our message like kudzu.” “Shoot, we’re even marching on Atlanta.” 

“Easy with that ‘marching on Atlanta’ talk, Yankee”, replied Elder Cheatum said, “But you’re right, we’re even creating our own reality TV stars.” “Mulva tells me that she’s had folks stop her in the Walmart because they’ve seen her on the telecast.”

“Me too”, Elder Diggum as he placed the fork loaded with pancakes into his mouth. “We’re just on camera during the passing of the plate, but people have recognized me.”

“Well, you do have a rather distinctive shape”, Elder Wiley replied. 

“Well, you’re Momma dresses you funny”, responded Elder Diggum as he cut into his steak with his knife. “Geez, this steak is so rare I think they could throw a band aid on it and turn it back to pasture and it’d be all right.”

Elder Diggum motioned for the waitress to come over so that he could give the sub-minimum wage worker an epicure’s definition of medium-well.

“What are you all looking at?” he asked before the waitress arrived.

“The Crystal Palace”, replied Elder Cheatum, “it looks like the Mormon’s are willing to rent it now, instead of us having to buy it.” “It might be a way we can test the waters of a bigger presence without breaking the bank to do it.”

Elder Diggum is so dumbstruck by the proposal that he is ignoring the waitress standing patiently beside him.

Elder Wiley responds for him, “He’d like you to knock the horns off of this steer and give it a few more minutes on the grill, if you please”, he said as he handed Elder Diggum’s plate to the young girl.

“The Crystal Palace”, sputtered Elder Diggum, “I heard it was haunted.”

“Haunted by the memories of unmet expectations, maybe”, Elder Cheatum said, “other than that, I can’t see the downside.” “I’ve got the lockbox code for the church and I was thinking we could all do a little field trip after breakfast.” “What say you?”

“I say more butts in the seats will translate into more tithes”, said Elder Wiley, “but more importantly, a move to the ‘Crystal Palace’ will up the exposure of The Full Gospel Original Church of God to a very prominent place in our region.”

Elder Wiley chuckled and added, “Let’s be honest, there would be some ‘soul satisfaction’ in having our little group of evangelicals make it in the spot where the Mormon’s had to cut bait.”

“And”, began Elder Cheatum, “It will also make the directions for the folks coming from Atlanta a lot easier to follow.” “I resolve we go have a look, are we resolved?”

“We are”, said Elder Diggum.

The three friends left the parking lot of their “International” dining experience for an equally foreign experience.

Good morning, y’all. I am reminded of Will Rogers’ famous quote about his political affiliation, “I am not a member of any organized party — I am a Democrat“. Funny as heck, but oh so true. I see by the news that the Bernie supporters are marching on the DNC in hopes of getting everyone to change their minds and nominate Bernie. I love the passion, but is it worth the risk of the return of the Third Reich to get your way? Maybe Trump does understand the millennials better. They’re used to getting their way, and right now. Just like rich kids. We’ll wait and see if the millennials have the maturity to vote for their second choice, as opposed to staying home. The stakes are high.

Speaking of high stakes brings us back to the retelling of the history of the Full Gospel Original Church of God. Elder Cheatum took his place at the table of the board meeting and looked at the other members of the board.

“Well?”, he asked.

“Well, you did about as good a job as you could explaining the dilemma”, said Elder Wiley, “I just think the older members are going to want to stop the broadcasts and ultimately stop the growth.”

“Yeah, you might be surprised that some of the old timers would be willing to give up Reverend Helena to get things back to where they were,” said Elder Diggum.

“Mulva?” Elder Cheatum asked.

“I see both sides”, the secretary/treasurer responded. “I can see that the money allows us to reach out and spread our mission as far as it will go; and I can sympathize with the people that just want their Little Church In The Valley back.” “You know the older you get, the less change you like, and our congregation was pretty old.”

“And that’s my point, when we die off, that’s it”, said Elder Cheatum as he looked around the room, “Without these new members, eventually the church will die, and I will feel like I’ve failed if that happens while I’m alive.”

Elder Cheatum’s voice took on a different tone as he continued, “I’m not saying I have all of the answers, that’s why I ask for your help, and that of the congregation.” “Some one in the audience tonight might have the perfect solution to our problem and write it down on the comment card on Sunday.”

“We hear you Buster”, said Elder Wiley, “but you can’t lead a blind horse to drink, you know?” “If the people in the valley don’t want to move forward, we may have to do it without them.”

“Are you saying move to a different location if the opportunity presents itself?” asked Elder Diggum.

“I am”, said Elder Wiley. “If the older members can’t or won’t be part of something that’s moving forward, we leave them behind.”

“The old Eskimo approach”, replied Elder Cheatum, “if they’re too old to be of use, we leave them behind for the polar bears.”

“Wait, wait, wait”, said Mulva, “Y’all are upsetting me.” “I’m friends with all of these people, and I don’t want to ‘leave them behind for the polar bears'”

“We won’t, Mulva”, said Elder Cheatum, “We’re just venting our frustrations.” “Hey, I had a crazy idea, y’all tell me what you think about it.”

Elder Cheatum continued, “I was thinking that since we’re getting so much traffic from the Atlanta area that we might talk one of the tour companies down there into putting together a package for folks coming from Atlanta that might include, ‘Lunch with the Reverend’.” “I’m thinking it could be any day or days of the week.” “Reverend Helena has got to eat anyway, right?” “Why not have her show up at a local eatery and break bread with a bus full of folks brought in from the Atlanta environs?”

Since no one had jumped and yelled ‘stop, stop’, Elder Cheatum forged ahead.”Obviously, Helena and the bus driver would eat for free, and we’d share the profits from ticket sales with the tour company and Reverend Helena.” “There’s folks in Atlanta making a living off of Zombie tours; I think this would get us a ton of exposure in the Metroplex without spending a dime.”

“Buster, as your attorney, I advise you to go home and get several nights of sleep”, said Elder Wiley. “I appreciate your creativity, and your steadfast attention to the bottom line, but I think we need to back-burner the tour idea until such time as there is a reason for folks in Atlanta to want to meet Reverend Helena in a coffee shop, in her jeans and tennis shoes.”

Elder Cheatum gave his old friend a look of resignation and said, “You’re probably right, I was just trying to maximize the potential of our asset.” “Having the tour company on the hook for all of the expenses was just too good to not at least mention to you all.”

“Ok, what else is going on?” Elder Cheatum asked as he looked around the table.

“Well, we got the bookmarks in and they look real good”, said Mulva, “the Ladies Auxillary are ready to stuff envelopes whenever we start getting requests.”

“Channel 99 is running the ad this Sunday during collection, so by next week’s meeting we should have a pretty good indication of the ad’s success”, said Elder Diggum.

“Very good”, replied Elder Cheatum, “By the way Mulva, how are things coming with your uninvited guest?”

Mulva studied Elder Cheatum’s face for a second before getting the clue. “Bud says he’s got the security tapes of Reverend Dale’s coming and goings.” “Bud’s scared somebody is going to shoot him for ‘sneaking around.'” “You know we’ve got more guns at TackyToo than the National Guard Armory”. “It’s not unlikely that one of the tenants will shoot Reverend Dale and ask who he was later.”

“Well, if it’s God’s will”, replied Elder Wiley.

Backing away from the stern looks of the other board members, Elder Wiley takes back his comment, “Just kidding, really.” “I want Dale Bread to live a long prosperous life, so he can take care of his wife and kids.”

“Ok, I’ve just got one more thing”, Elder Cheatum said, “Mulva, I know that Bud dabbles in the internet, do you think you could ask him to do a webpage for us?” “We could offer him a couple of hundred dollars, if you think we should.”

“No, I’m sure Bud would be happy to do it for free”, Mulva replied. “He’s up all hours anyway, might as well be doing something useful.”

“Well thanks, Mulva, I appreciate your kind offer”, replied Elder Cheatum, “and could you make sure that Bud keeps those security tapes of Reverend Dale safe for us?”

There being no further business, the meeting was adjourned.

Good morning, y’all. Are we relieved to know that the Munich shooter had no Isis ties? Probably not. My world view is that crazy is crazy, and if crazy birds flock together, it doesn’t justify crazy. People who identify with extreme fundamentalist movements have got a screw loose to begin with, in my opinion. The fact that they can find others that have the same defective part, doesn’t legitimize the imperfection. Lumping people into a group for the purposes of ginning up the fear level doesn’t work for me either. It only helps the arms manufacturers, no one else.

Speaking of fundamentalist movements brings us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. As Elder Cheatum drove to the church for Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting, he was struck once again by the idyllic setting. The drive to the church was one of the most scenic in the area. The church was nestled on the side of a hill overlooking a valley with a stream running through the middle. The original founders of the little church had found the perfect spot to bring people together in fellowship.

“That is my dilemma, my quandary”, the Elder thought to himself as he pulled into the parking lot. Now that The Full Gospel Original Church of God was busting at the seams from the influx of new members, a decision had to be made as to whether to do nothing and stay small, build new facilities on the present location, or relocate to a new facility. Each option had the potential for the church to lose its current impetus.

The Elder had asked Reverend Handbasket to ask the congregation to stay behind a little longer tonight for a discussion of great importance. At the end of the services, the Elder walked from his customary seat in the last row, past a full auditorium. As the Elder walked to the pulpit, he decided he would be as direct as he could with the audience seated before him. He had known most of the people all of his life. They were his friends and their feelings mattered to him. 

“As you all have noticed, we have experienced a bit of a growth spurt.” Elder Cheatum smiled as he looked out over the faithful. “Our little church is kind of like the teenager who has outgrown his new blue jeans before you can even get them home from the store.”

The Elder waited for the short laugh from the congregation to subside before he continued, “We’ve slapped mobile homes down both sides of the church, and as you can see, they’re full.”  “We’ve added these big screen TVs and all of the speakers to provide a better experience, but, everything we’ve done appears to be stop gap measures,” he said as he waved his arms to indicate the improvements.

“The question before us is threefold, I think.”  “Do we limit our growth and say ‘no’ to new members?” “Do we try to build on our existing site to provide a home for our expanding congregation?” “Or, do we seek another site?”, the Elder asked.

A buzz was circulating in the congregation, and Elder Cheatum raised his voice to regain control.

“I know that since the TV broadcasts started, more and more folks have been coming to our church; and they’re coming back, again and again.” “People have started queueing up for the 11AM service at about 10:15.” “I see them when I come to Sunday School.”

The Elder paused and grinned at the audience before he continued.

“I know that this influx of newcomers is causing a great deal of  anxiety for most of our older members.” “The people that were married at The Full Gospel Original Church of God, had their babies baptized here, and yes, had demons cast out here, feel like they shouldn’t have to jockey for seats.” “I get that, I understand that, that’s why I’ve asked Reverend Helena to let me speak here tonight.”

The Elder took a big breath and continued, “I would like to propose a temporary solution, another stopgap if you will, until we answer the larger question of future growth.” “I would like to propose that we offer additional services on Sunday.” “There could be a 7AM service, the usual 11AM service, and a 3PM service.”

Emboldened by the lack of dissent, the Elder continued on, “Now, in my mind, this solution has a lot of upside.” “Some folks might be happy to attend the 7AM service, and well, to be honest, get the formal proceedings over with.” “Then they’d have the rest of the day to do quiet reflection on their own, or watch the Bulldog wrap-up, as the case may be.”

The Elder waited for the laughter to die down before continuing, “The 3PM service might fit young people’s lifestyle a little better, and we do seem to be getting more of these folks since the telecasts.” “It might be a better fit for people traveling from outside of Union county.” 

The Elder could see that some of the older members were buying into his implication that the new members would be attending the services at the new start times, and leaving the traditional 11Am time slot to them. Satisfied that he was still on firm ground, the Elder continued.

“Now, to be fair, I do have to bring up the downside of the proposed schedule change.” “We will be basically doubling the Reverend Helena Handbasket’s workload, and I’m reasonably sure that Reverend Helena is not going to be happy performing in this capacity for an extended period of time.” “To that end, we will still have to work out our facility issue as soon as possible.” “Besides, no one has asked our ophidian friends how they feel about doing three Testaments of Faith a day.”

The Elder waited for the laugh before continuing,  “I’m sure they’ll be fine as long as they are in Reverend Handbasket’s hands.”

Elder Cheatum gave a sweeping gaze to every corner of the auditorium before speaking again, “Well, that’s the long and the short of it.” “The church board members wanted to let you know that we’re aware of everyone’s concerns, and that we’re working on solutions.” “There will be comment cards in the back of your pews on Sunday to scribble down your thoughts.” “Just turn them in with your tithe.”

As the Elder turned the podium back to the Reverend he realized he was sweating like the proverbial lady of ill-repute in a house of worship. He hoped the other board members didn’t realize that he had pushed his Dale Canegie, “Speak More Effectively” course to the max. He walked quickly back to the office and the comfortable security of his old friends.

 

Good morning, y’all. As we ponder the unique gifts bestowed on Donald Trump that endow him, and only him, the ability to make America great again, we are reminded that many of the problems we experience in the United States are not unique to us. A crazed gunman has shot innocents at a mall in Munich. England’s economy is crashing due to the white supremacists decision to exit the EU. Turkey is beginning a purge based off of the recent coup. I for one think The Donald is better suited to taking on any of these other countries’ problem and letting America see if it can get better on its own.

Speaking of making things better brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Wednesday morning’s breakfast was filled with the news of Bud Lite’s early morning encounter with the Bread family. Mulva had called Elder Cheatum with the details shortly after the Elder’s breakfast orders had arrived at their table.

Elder Cheatum sat his phone on the table to allow the other Elders, and patrons, hear the account in real time. “Bud got a call about a clogged toilet, with ‘water everywhere’, at 6AM this morning for the trailer where Alva Bread and her kids are staying.” “Well, he walked in to find Reverend Dale standing in the bedroom to the right of the front door with nothing between him and the Lord but a smile.”

Mulva continued, “Let me just say right here that Bud is real uncomfortable with male nudity, and that probably made him madder than anything else.” “In his defense, Reverend Dale seemed as startled as Bud, and Bud says he hid in the back room while Bud went to work in the hall bathroom.” “Well the floor is standing in water, but it’s clear water, if you know what I mean”.

At this point, Elder Diggum stopped the methodical cycle of his fork from plate to mouth. He seemed content to just listen to the story that Mulva was continuing to unfold.

Mulva pressed on, “The good news is that it was just an overflow of water.” ” The bad news is that simply plunging isn’t getting rid of the clog.” “Bud has to go and get the Johnny Jolter, his super plunger.” “On his trip back to the tool shed, Bud walked around the park to see if he could find Reverend Dale’s car.” “Turns out, Reverend Dale was parked in front of Number Fifty Three, Anita Goodman’s trailer.” “Maybe it’s just a coincidence.”

Mulva continues, “Anyway, long story short, Bud comes back to Alva’s trailer and after three or four big plunges, he clears the clog.” “Well, portions of the clog are coming to the surface attached to the plunger.”

Elder Cheatum tried to grab his phone and turn off the speaker. Before the Elder can act, Alva spits out one word, “Condoms.” 

“Bud says it looked like somebody flushed down a whole box of condoms.” “Bud’s take is that the eldest boy, Devin, flushed them down to call attention to the fact that Reverend Dale was back in the house.” “I just can’t imagine an eight year old being that devious, but, no matter, it appears that Reverend Dale and Alva are working on mending fences.”

Mulva caught her breath for half a second and continued, “I’m sorry to call you so early, I know you all must have more important things on your minds.” “I just had to give you the news, and I guess to let you know that Bud is about to lose it.” “I’m going to need to give him a lot of space until he calms down, so I’ll probably be working at the church today if anybody needs anything.”

“All right, thanks for the update”, said Elder Cheatum, “I’ll check in with you later.”

Elder Cheatum turned off the speaker of his phone and returned it to its case attached to his belt. The Elder reached for the little pot of coffee to refill his cup before speaking.

“So it appears the first born Bread has got it in for his old man,” Elder Cheatum said, “Interesting.” “It looks like we have a sub plot of the son wanting to ‘out’ his old man.” 

“Hard to imagine that level of devious thinking in an eight-year-old”, said Elder Wiley, “I mean that trick with the baby rattle was inspired, but it might have been Alva’s idea.” “This sounds like it was just the kid.”

Elder Diggum had recovered from the shock of all of the ‘potty talk’ and started devouring his breakfast again. “Who buys condoms by the box?” “I mean that’s thirty or forty condoms, right?” “That’s fifteen birthday’s and Christmases, with a few left over for those spontaneous moments we hear so much about.”

“Somebody with seven kids, that’s who,” Elder Cheatum replied, “I’d love for Dale to get it together and take over the responsibility of his family, but this doesn’t feel right.” “This feels like he’s cheating on Ophelia with his wife, and that is just weird.”

“Barry, it’s your turn”, the Elder concluded as he handed Elder Diggum the check.  As the three friends stood in the parking lot saying their goodbyes, Elder Cheatum was struck by inspiration.

“I think I’m going to test the waters with the congregation tonight after services.” Elder Cheatum said. “Prayer Meeting attendees are our ‘core constituency’, the people who are in church every time the door is open.” “I think I’ll float a trial balloon tonight, and see if anyone wants to shoot it down.”

“Well, I can help you with that,” said Elder Wiley, “tell me, and I’ll shoot it down, and save you the embarrassment of standing in front of everybody.” 

“I know that you would”, grinned Elder Cheatum, “but, I think I need a less biased audience.”

Elder Cheatum got his car and slid down the window, “Be prepared for anything, and you won’t be surprised.” The words of the Elder’s pedophilic former scoutmaster did not encourage the other two elders.

Good morning, y’all. If we can make it through just one more day, it will finally be over. The Republican National Convention, I mean. I have to clarify because the Repubs are predicting life will end on this planet if they don’t get their way, but you know how Republicans lie. Take “Lying Ted Cruz” for example. Feeling the desperate need to defend his wife against the charge of ugliness, and his Dad against the charge of crazy as a loon, The Tedster decided to throw himself under the Republican bus by not endorsing The Donald. The Donald was happy to drive the bus, which was a short one, if you know what I mean.

Talking about the ends of eras brings us to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The members of the board turned their attention to Elder Cheatum. His announcement that he had momentous news was exciting, and possibly scary. The board members had been through so much, that didn’t know what to expect.

Elder Cheatum cleared his voice and began, “The Full Gospel Original Church of God, is doing, very, very well.” “The question before us is, how do we apply these new found riches to the mission statement of the church?” “Will we spend the money on furthering our message by establishing missionaries throughout the world?” “Should we spend the money on improving this location’s infra-structure by building a structure of sufficient size to accommodate our anticipated future needs?” “Should the church attempt to go global by the use of advertising and mass marketing?” “Clearly some of the money should be spent by improving compensation for the Reverend Helen Handbasket”. “I’m sure that this committee could be better compensated for our time.” 

At this point, Elder Cheatum paused and looked directly at each of the select group seated around the table. 

“Which of these choices best fit our church’s mission statement, or should it be a mix of  ‘all of the above’?” the Elder asked the group. 

As each of the board members contemplated the opportunity to fund any of the items on the wish list presented by Elder Cheatum, they also considered ideas that the Elder had not mentioned. Mulva was about to mention the need for a day care for the Nunsuch area when Elder Cheatum began again. 

“I am proposing we establish a  ‘task force’”, Elder Cheatum said, “that is charged with determining the best way financially to accommodate our current growth and to sustain the growth well into the future.” “I have already begun a personal study of acquiring another, already existing structure.” “Our trailer additions can not be expanded, and a new structure on this location will take at least a year to complete.” “I should mention the disruption to the congregation that new building would cause.” “We might turn so many people away by the construction issues that we would lose the need for the additional seats.”

“You said you’ve explored an existing structure”, said Elder Wiley, “Might I ask where the structure is?”

“It’s the abandoned Mormon church in Blairsville”, Elder Cheatum answered.

“The Crystal Palace?” the other board members echoed in a derisive tone.

“Wait, wait, wait”, Elder Cheatum responded. “We don’t need to get all judgmental in this situation.” “I realize the Seventh Day Adventists over shot their market a little bit in our area.” “We’ve all heard the stories about The Adventists getting overly encouraged by all of the early signups.” “We know you can’t tell folks in these parts that the church has great stores of free food and other items available for their members.” “People around here are going to lineup for the free food, and blow off church if the church doesn’t meet their spiritual needs.”

“Or tells them they can’t drink coffee,” interjected Elder Diggum.

“Or denies them caffeine”, Elder Cheatum agreed. “Anyway, the Adventist’s loss can be our gain if we play our cards right.” “The Crystal Palace is available for our use, if we can persuade our congregation to move to town.”

“Well you were right about one thing”, Elder Wiley said, “you came here to drop a bomb.”

“I don’t know what to say, what to think”, replied Mulva, “I’ve never contemplated worshiping anywhere but in this church.” “My family is buried in that cemetery, I plan on being buried in that cemetery alongside of my family.” “I just don’t know what to think.”

“I’m not saying that is what we’re going to do,” Elder Cheatum replied, “I’m just throwing out options.”

Elder Cheatum looked at Mulva whose face showed her heartbreak.

“Look, let’s just think about it all.” “We don’t need to do anything tonight.” “I’ll get some bids on a new structure, and we can study things more closely later.” “For right now I think we all agree that for The Full Gospel Original Church of God to maintain it’s growth trajectory, we have to lock up Reverend Helena.” “Would you all agree?” 

The assembled responded with a collective “yes”.

“I’m proposing we give Reverend Helena a ‘base plus commission’ situation.” “I think that we should raise her base by twenty percent, and give her five percent of all collections, no matter the source.” “If folks in TV land send a hundred thousand dollars a week, then Reverend Helena gets a bonus of five-thousand dollars a week.” “Does that seem fair to you all?”

The board members looked at each other contemplating the large numbers being mentioned. While nodding agreement to one another, the group responded, “yes”. The motion was carried.

“Good, good”, responded Elder Cheatum, “Mulva, will you give Reverend Helena the good news?”

The secretary/treasure smiled her agreement.

“I know I’ve given you all a lot to think about, and maybe it was like dropping a bomb,” Elder Cheatum said. “But to continue the analogy, our growth has been explosive.” “I think we’re going to have to start thinking really big to get ahead of this phenoneum.”

“Anybody have anything else?”, the Elder said as he stood to leave.

There being no further business, the meeting was adjourned.

 

Good morning, y’all. I guess we will all remember this summer as the one when truth went on vacation and hyperbole came to stay. From the Melania deniers, to the other stalwarts of the Republican party that promote the meme that we are living in the end of times, and that only a Trump presidency can save us, to Trump’s brother from another mother, Boris Johnson, who is now being crushed by the reality of what Brexit really means, the chickens are coming home to roost. Of course, they are the biggest, fattest, best tasting chickens ever. Just ask me.

Anyway, speaking of big numbers brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Wednesday morning breakfast at IHOP was light hearted and jovial. The three Elders were pleased as punch with themselves regarding the mini-revival.

“You know, we probably have been closing off more opportunities over the years than we’ve embraced,” said Elder Wiley. “Maybe our culture, our upbringing, has been holding us back from delivering our message to the world.”

“Are you saying that maybe we’re ‘just shy'”, asked Elder Cheatum.

“Maybe, maybe, we’re just so close knit that we think we’re rejecting the outer world’s values, when we’re really not letting the outer world get to know us.”

“I think I saw about five hundred people that wanted to get to know us on Sunday,” said Elder Diggum, “and about a half of them were asking us for help.” “Well, not us specifically, but Reverend Helen”. “I have never seen the like,” he said as he plunged a cube of pancakes topped by an egg over easy into his mouth.

“I guess the young bard has gone back to school,” Elder Cheatum said as he handed the latest copy of the North Georgia Gazette to Elder Wiley.

“Maybe his editor didn’t think he was all that funny, or insightful, or whatever it was he was trying to do.” Elder Wiley replied, “I do think he pretty well insulted all of the religious factions in the area.”

“Yeah, he was a little heavy on Pentecostals, but who knows, maybe the attention helped the cause.” said Elder Cheatum. “Who would have ever thought that the TV broadcasts would have brought us this much positive attention?”

“I did”, answered Elder Diggum, catching his breath between bites. “Remember, it was my idea.”

Under the glare of his two partners, Elder Diggum revised his statement, “Well, I made the contact.”

“Ok, you made the contact”, replied Elder Cheatum, “but let’s not any of us get confused as to who the star of the show is.”

“Amen”, chorused the other two partners.

As the partners stood in the parking lot ready to begin their work day, Elder Wiley looked at  Elder Cheatum and asked, “You got anything special going on?”

“Matter of fact, I do”, replied Elder Cheatum, “I’ve got a line on a very interesting piece of property.”

“Well, let me know if you need any help working out the legalities”, answered Elder Wiley.

“You know I will”, replied Elder Cheatum as he got in his car.

Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting was packed. What was once considered a light, midweek “tuneup” was becoming another full blown service. The usual twenty a week attendees had mushroomed to a hundred. The service that was designed to be more intimate, was now growing to rival that of Sunday service. Prayer Meeting was now becoming another area of concern.

As the Elders sat around the table in the office of the church after Prayer Meeting, Elder Wiley was first to speak. “What are we going to do?”, he asked to the other members. “At first I thought the new faces coming to Prayer Meeting were just tourists.” “You know, people who were curious about us, but couldn’t fight the crowd on Sunday.” “Now I’m starting to recognize people that are here every time the doors are open.”

Mulva Lite seemed to be particularly spirit filled that night, and the secretary/ treasurer jumped ahead of the Elders to speak.

“The net profit for ‘Revival  Sunday’ is ten thousand dollars and some change.” The treasure said as she handed out spreadsheets to the Elders.

“I’ve expensed all of the preprinted items that we gave away Sunday as ‘Advertising’.” “I don’t know how we turned an absolute disaster into a rip-roaring success, but we did.”

Before anyone else could speak, the secretary forged ahead, “Since Reverend Helena has taken over, we have had one-hundred-twenty-eight new souls dedicate their lives to the path of righteousness.” “We’ve also had forty-six re-dedications of existing members, which is probably the more remarkable number, if you think about it.” 

The secretary was wound up tighter than the girdle of a baptist minister’s wife.

“I’ve been thinking how we could figure out what the broadcasts of the services by Channel 99 in Blairsville is doing for attendance.” “I keep the contributions separate from one another, so we know that number, what I’m trying to figure is, how many people are watching?”

Mulva looked quickly around the table at the Elders and continued, “I was thinking that if I used the metric of one donation for every twenty viewers, and we’re getting over three hundred checks in the mail each week, I’m guessing the viewership for the broadcasts would be about seven-thousand people.” “Has anybody else got a better feel for how to calculate?”

The outburst of upper-math has left the Elders relatively speechless.

Finally, Elder Diggum broke the silence, “Jed Dye says the broadcasts are viewable by about four-hundred-thousand people in the tri-state area.” “Obviously, not all of them are tuned in to the show each week.”

“I think Mulva has really hit on something here that is really important,” said Elder Cheatum as he looked at the secretary treasurer. “The relationship of donors to watchers is a really important metric.” “Knowing that metric would give us the ability to predict what revenues would be generated by an increased viewership.”

Elder Cheatum looked at the secretary and smiled. “Mulva, I know you wouldn’t have brought us a problem without already figuring out the solution, so, do you have anything else for us?”

Mulva smiled back and replied,” I was thinking we could ask Channel 99 if they could do a little mini-commercial for us that would run during the collection.” “We could ask the people watching the broadcasts to write the church requesting a free book marker blessed by Reverend Helena.” “The bookmark would have a scripture printed on it that was ‘specifically chosen for the viewer’ by Reverend Helena.” “We can get the bookmarks for about a nickel a piece, so we could get four-thousand bookmarks for two-hundred dollars.””It won’t be totally accurate, but people always want something for free, and it has the value of being blessed by Reverend Helena.”

The Elders are gob-smacked. Their mouths were so open that they were lucky it was winter, otherwise they would have been trapping flies.

After a few seconds, Elder Cheatum spoke, “Wow, I thought I was the one that was going to drop a bomb on everybody.” “I was sure not giving everybody the credit they deserve.” “Outstanding, Mulva, I’m really impressed, and I motion we move forward on Mulva’s proposal right away.”

The motion carried.

“Barry, handle the details with Channel 99, we want to start this Sunday if possible.” Elder Cheatum continued, “Mulva, order the bookmarks and alert the Ladies Auxillary that they’ve got some envelope stuffing in their future.” “Alvin do you see any legal implications, here?”

“I think we’re good as long as the commercial doesn’t promise that the bookmark has healing properties.” Elder Wiley said. “We don’t want to run afoul of the medical profession.” “Excellent, excellent”, replied Elder Cheatum, “Now I’ve got some really interesting business to discuss.”

 

Good morning, y’all. You know, the funny thing about politics is that the family is supposed to be off limits to the criticsms and slanders thrown at the politician. I think that should apply as long as the family doesn’t decide to mix it up politically. Then I think they’re open to all of the scrutiny due the candidate. All of that said, Melanoma plagiarized and lied or just plain lied, and then plagiarized. Either way, it was a fitting kickoff to the Republican National Convention. Business as usual. Liars in the house!

Speaking of half truths brings us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Elder Cheatum knocked on the door of the rectory, excited with the proposal he was about to unfold. The Reverend Helena Handbasket came to the door in jeans and, what looked like, multiple sweatshirts. Elder Cheatum was happy to see that the outer layer at least, was a University of Georgia sweatshirt.

“Hey, sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to set up this generator for you to use until power is restored” , the Elder said as he pointed at the generator in the wheelbarrow behind him. “It’s not much power, but it will keep some of the lights on and the refrigerator cold.”

“Oh, thanks so much”, the Reverend responded, “I don’t know how long this ‘no power’ thing is supposed to last.” “I’m about out of candles.” The Reverend continued, “There’s not too much in the refrigerator, I’m not one who stores up a lot of stuff.”

“Well that’s good, I guess”, said the Elder, “I’ll just hook this up for you.” “I’d like for you to think about something while I’m getting it going, if you would”.

“What’s that?” the Reverend answered.

“Well, I’m thinking that a lot of folks in the area wait for the revivals to receive healing, and we missed that chance this week.” “I was wondering if you would consider doing a healing instead of the altar call tomorrow.”

“Oh, I don’t have to think about that”, the Reverend said, “I’m happy to use whatever gifts I have as often as I can.” The Reverend continued, “As I recall, I was told that your custom was to wait for revivals, and so I’ve just been honoring your guidelines.”

“Yes, that’s true, that’s been our policy, but everything has gotten kind of wonky jaw with the ice storm and all.” The Elder replied. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to get the phone tree started and get the word out that tomorrow is going to be special.” “It might raise people’s spirits from the disappointment about the revival.”

“That’s just fine”, the Reverend replied, “are there any special rules or guidelines I need to know about?”

“Yes, since you asked”, the Elder responded, “there is to be absolutely no reliance on any external devices.”

“Gotcha”, the Reverend said,” just me and whatever God gave me, I got it.” “Anything else?”

“I think that’s all, I’ll get the phone tree started and also alert Channel 99 that there will be a divergence in the program,”  the Elder answered. “Now, give me about three shakes of a lamb’s tail and we’ll get you some power going.”

The Elder called Jed Dye, the producer at Channel 99, about the program changes from his car. Jed related that the crew coming on Sunday would have the “mobile studio” truck that had full backup power. The two men congratulated each other on what a successful relationship they had forged, and then Elder Cheatum was on to his next call.

“Hello, Mulva?””This is Buster Cheatum””I need you to get the phone tree started, the all souls list.” “We’re going to do healing tomorrow, and we need to get the word to everybody.” “Can you do that?”

Mulva replied that with the help of the Ladies Auxillary she could call everybody in the state by tomorrow morning, if need be. Elder Cheatum replied that the ‘all souls’ list would be a plenty, and he wished her a good rest of the day.

Sunday was a bright and beautiful day. The parking lot was filling up for Sunday school, and that had never happened before. Mulva and the ‘Ladies’ had apparently done their work well. Elder Cheatum noticed license plates from Kentucky, South Carolina, Florida and Alabama joining the usual suspects, Georgia, North Carolina and Tennessee. “Oh my, oh my, oh my”, the Elder thought to himself as he entered the sanctuary. The auditorium was half full; and it was an hour and half before services. When the Elder returned from Sunday School he could see there was no point in going to his usual spot at the front door to act as greeter. The church was full to the rafters, with people in wheelchairs lining the walls.

Rather than trying to wedge himself into his appointed spot, the Elder took a folding chair and placed it at the back of the stage, out of sight. As Ted E. Bayer and his Love Fellowship played the gathering hymn, the Elder realized he was too close to the band. “I’m probably going to need to have Reverend Helena heal my ears after this is over”, he thought to himself.

As the Reverend Helena Handbasket strode to the pulpit, the Elder caught himself in thought. “I know most of it is presentation.” “The red hair, the white flowing robes, the way she moves like a dancer on the stage.” “Helena could not be any more feminine, and yet her voice is as strong and confident as any man’s.” “There’s something here, and clearly I’m not the only one who can see it.” 

Between the Reverend and The Love Fellowship, the faithful were jumping and jiving even before the Testament of Faith. After the Reverend Handbasket made the move from the pulpit to the main floor, there were just a few people left in the pews. It was a sight never witnessed before. Even after the snakes were brought out, the crowd stayed on their feet dancing to the music of the choir. The rhythm of the Reverend Handbasket moving about as she wrangled the serpents, set the tempo for the rest of the acolytes.

Since the service was televised, and the worshipers in wheelchairs didn’t have the mobility one would need to avoid runaway snakes, the serpent wrangling was kept to a minimum. The Reverend Helen Handbasket kept everything “close to the vest”. The Reverend didn’t allow any of the snakes to be handled by anyone other than herself. She did a fine job getting through the entertainment portion of the show with minimal liability exposure.

The altar call looked like the scene from the movie “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” where everyone was lined up for their medications. There were folks in line that didn’t know where they were, but they knew they were going to receive a miracle. To her credit, The Reverend Helen Handbasket didn’t make folks “take up their bed and walk”, like some of the old school evangelists do. Reverend Helena also didn’t cause any neck damage by laying hands so forcefully that the sick were dumbfounded. All and all, The Reverend conducted herself with grace and dignity through the three and a half hours it took to lay hands on each person requesting a blessing. Even Hugh Morris and his chronic prostate condition was handled with the respect of a doctor for their patient.

“Well, we don’t know, what we don’t know”, said Elder Wiley as the group sat in the office after the last pilgrim had been healed. “I’m just wondering how our one day extravaganza compares to a week long revival.” Elder Wiley continued, “Obviously today was tough on Reverend Helena, but she got it all out of the way in one day instead of spread out over a week”.

“I hate like the dickens giving all of that stuff away for free, but it was the right thing to do”, said Elder Cheatum. “I guess you might say we have ‘cast out bread upon the waters'”. “Now we’ll just have to wait to see if it comes back tenfold, or if we wind up with soggy bread.”

“Speaking of soggy Bread, I didn’t see Reverend Dale in the audience today”, said Elder Wiley, “I guess he was afraid of fratricide after last week.”

“Wouldn’t you?” asked Elder Diggum. “Seems to me like that boy of his has picked sides, and he doesn’t favor his daddy.”

“Mulva, how are you doing?” asked Elder Cheatum.

“I’ve checked three times, and I think I’m right”, Mulva replied, “Keep in mind we’ve got a lot of checks, so you can’t count them until they clear.”

“We know,” said Elder Cheatum, “We just wanted a ball park figure.”

“The ball park is eleven-thousand-eight-hundred and eighty-five dollars”, the secretary/treasurer reported.

“That’s a nice ball park”, said Elder Diggum. “Maybe we should revisit the idea of just doing healings at revival time”, the Elder said to the group.

“We’ll have to get an assessment of how Reverend Helena is feeling before we start the discussion,” Elder Cheatum commented, “Mulva can you check in with her before you go home?”

“Sure, I’d be happy to”, Mulva replied.

“Ok, then we’ll leave you to it”, Elder Cheatum continued, “It will be good to get the deposit in the night deposit box tonight if you can”. The Elders left the office together, all making comments about the unusual turn of events during the week.

“God moves in a mysterious way; His wonders to perform; He plants His footsteps in the sea, and rides upon the storm”, said Elder Wiley.

“I’ve always wondered; where in the scripture can I find that verse?” asked Elder Diggum.

“The verse you seek is from a very old hymn by William Cowper”, replied Elder Wiley. “It’s so old I guess most folks think it’s from the Bible.” 

“Live and learn, live and learn”, said Elder Diggum.

The three friends parted company for a few days. They were more than satisfied with Winter Revival 2015.

 

 

Good morning, y’all. The Republican convention starts today with a novel twist. Ohio is an open carry state. All of the wacky doodles that use an AR15 as a security blanket will be walking the streets of Cleveland; one hand on their weapon, the other hand in their face with the thumb firmly a fixed to their mouth. It will be the greatest collection of onesies in camouflage ever assembled. The Donald’s orange face should have the same effect as a hunter’s vest on the assembled marksmen. He hopes.

Speaking of large assemblages brings us back to the retelling of the history The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Lost in the shuffle of new preachers, and scandal, and intrigue, was the Winter Revival 2015. The Winter Revival was definitely on the church schedule, but it was not promoted like previous years. The urgency to draw new membership to the church was just not there like before. In fact, new membership was now the problem.

After a lot of conversation, it was determined that Winter Revival 2015 would be carried out over a four day weekend, beginning with Thursday, November 12th. The large tent would be setup as usual to host the traveling ministers. Reverend Helena Handbasket would hold court each night inside the main building. Each minister would rotate as the opening speaker for Reverend Helena. The visiting ministers would then rotate for each other in the tent, giving each a turn as warmup and keynote. 

News of the success of the little church had spread throughout the Evangelical community. The board was actually receiving requests from ministers to do the revival for free. It seemed that a large number of ministers felt that being associated with the little church would be a great way to get exposure within the Pentecostal body. Since Channel 99 would be broadcasting each night, the opportunity for spreading the names of the ministers was without parallel. There was even talk that some of the broadcast footage might be included in a proposed documentary. The Elders had whittled their minister list down to three, all ministers who offered to do the revival for free. Even the minister’s expenses would be out of their own pockets.

The Ladies Auxillary had once again done yeoman service in setting up the concessions. The Ladies had also “setup” their husbands into providing all of the physical labor necessary to get the tent and concession stands ready. In fact, the “husbands auxillary” was putting the last string of lights up in the parking lot when the sleet started to fall. It was light at first, and then the sleet started coming down as large frozen droplets of rain. The collective group of volunteers knew the mountain roads would be impassable in just a short time. With various explanations of how many children or aging parents that were left defenseless at home, all of the volunteers gave their apologies and left for home.

The board was sitting in the church office going over the schedules when the first volunteers came in complaining of the worsening conditions.

“I think we better make like a tree and leave”, said Elder Diggum as he looked out of a window. “From the looks of things, we’ve got about half hour to get to where ever we’re going to be for a while.”

“Well, I guess if we had a webpage we could post the cancellation on there,” said Elder Cheatum. “Mulva, can you leave a message on the phone that the revival is postponed until conditions permit?” Elder Cheatum asked.

“Sure, I’ll do it right now.” said Mulva.

“What do you want me to do about the traveling ministers?” Elder Diggum asked.

“If they’re still traveling, tell them to stay put until conditions improve.” Elder Cheatum responded. “If they’re here, we need to see what kind of rig they’re traveling in.” “It might be that they may have to bunk in the church.” “I don’t want to put Reverend Helena out by asking her to play hostess.”

“I’ll go have a ‘look see’ around the rectory and update Reverend Helena”, said Elder Wiley. “I’ll check her firewood situation while I’m at it.” “The power lines won’t stay up for long with this much ice coming down.”

“Good thought, good thought,” said Elder Cheatum. “I am less than confident that the good folks at the Blue Ridge Mountain Power Company are ready to handle a lot of downed lines.”

“Ok, ok, time to go”, said Elder Diggum, “I’ll warn anybody that’s here what we’re in for, and offer the sanctuary as a bunk house, then I’m gone.”

“If you’re waiting on me, you’re backing up”, said Elder Cheatum as the group headed for the door.

The ice was forming a thin layer in the parking lot as they walked out of the church. The steps were already slippery, and required the use of the handrail to safely negotiate the descent  to ground level. Through good fortune, and the experience born from years of driving in inclement conditions, the group made it safely to their respective homes. Depending on their proximity to Blairsville, or distance from Nunsuch, the group would experience various power losses over the next few days.

Power was lost completely in Nunsuch for three days, though the roads were considered “drivable” after two. “Drivable” was a cautionary word to mountain folk that meant “carry a chain saw with you in case there are still fallen limbs or trees blocking the road”. On Saturday, as soon as the road was entirely passable, Elder Cheatum brought four portable generators to the little church. His intent was to provide power to the rectory, the sanctuary and the two additions. The weather was forecast to be clear with highs in the seventies for the balance of the week; and the Elder knew the faithful would be ready to end their incarceration and return to every day life as soon as possible.

The Winter Revival 2015 had been officially cancelled. As he looked at box after box of items purchased for resale, Elder Cheatum decided that the t-shirts and other preprinted items would be gifted to the folks attending services that weekend. At least the items could return some value as advertising. To that end, Elder Cheatum made a mental note to give a couple of boxes of t-shirts to the Channel 99 crew. The inclement weather was going to cost the church thousands of dollars, and no telling how much good will. Hopefully the gifted items would buy back some good will.

As Elder Cheatum watched the “auxillary husbands” take down the tents and concession stands, he hit upon an idea. He promptly walked to the rectory to run it by Reverend Helena. Since he was bringing the gift of electricity, he didn’t see how she could refuse.

Good morning, y’all. Our heart is saddened as we read about the deaths of three police officers gunned down in Baton Rouge. Again, another unstable person with a military weapon, this one with military training. I’m sure I’m not the only person who has figured out that there are thousands of human time bombs out there. Just one break up with a loved one, one layoff, one slight of any kind could set off the next shooting spree by a deranged person with access to weapons. At some point we will ask ourselves if we’re the crazy ones for allowing this situation to continue. Apparently, not today.

Speaking of being unable to break unhealthy habits brings us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Elders gathered in the office of the little church after prayer meeting.

“Old Rusty looks fine,” said Elder Cheatum as he looked at the massive cast iron safe in the corner. “Anybody notice anything missing after our invasion of the “Love Fellowship”.

“No, not a thing”, replied Mulva Lite. “They all seemed real nice.”

“Well good,” replied Elder Cheatum, “so Barry, what did the full complement of the ‘Love Fellowship’ set us back?”

“Two hundred dollars, the agreed upon price”, replied Elder Diggum, “Ted wanted to give us a taste of what the total fellowship could do.” “After the service, Ted told me we could have the whole experience for five hundred a week, and they’d even come to Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting if we wanted.” “I think we may have picked up a believer or two.”

“Hmmm”, said Elder Cheatum, “that brings up another topic we need to talk about, conversions.” “Mulva can you give us an idea about what our current head count is?”

The secretary/scheduler searched her laptop for the right spreadsheet and printed out the results. “People that have given their souls to Jesus and filled out membership cards since Reverend Helena took over is twenty-two”, Mulva replied. “I can’t make comparisons statistically because previous years were never more than three or four, total.” “We’ve kind of been staying even with attrition for a long, long time.”

“Twenty-two in a little over three months, wow”, said Elder Wiley, “It looks like our little ‘flash in the pan’ is panning out.”

“Butts in the seats is just one of our issues”, said Elder Cheatum, “our mission is reaching folks all over the tri-state area.” “We’ve got folks tuning in to Channel 99 and sending a check every week.” “Mulva do you have a breakdown of collections from the attendance and the mail separately?”

“I sure do”, replied the secretary as she printed out a different spreadsheet. “As you can see from the columns, we started receiving donations that first telecast, and they totaled forty-six hundred dollars.” “The next week, when we told people where to send their money, we got ninety-seven hundred dollars.” “The ‘outside’ collections have gone up about ten percent each week since”. “Our collections from attendance have increased as we’ve added the additions and have now peaked at about six thousand per service.” “I’m estimating a full church at two hundred members, so we’re averaging about thirty dollars per person, which is up from our previous average of twenty-four dollars per person.”

“I’ve got a pie chart here if you’d like to see the comparison in color,” the secretary said as she handed out the pie charts. 

“Wow, Mulva, you’ve outdone yourself,” beamed Elder Cheatum. “This is some really good, useful information.” “Folks, I think we’ve got to decide what to do, and fast, about our growth issue.” “I think that a good portion of our TV viewership is going to want to visit our church in person, at least once.” “What will we do, now that we’re already busting at the seams?” “We can decide to stay small, and turn the TV broadcasts off, or look for some serious alternatives to what we’re doing.” “I want everybody to think about it, pray on it, and jot down some ideas for the next board meeting, ok?”

Elder Cheatum looked each member in the eyes. He took a deep breath and continued, “I’m afraid at some point that Reverend Helena is going to realize that she is the ‘Diana Ross’ to The Full Gospel Original Church of God’s ‘Supremes’.” “We can’t predict if that day will ever come, but I want us to be prepared if it does.” “If we can sustain this growth pattern for a while longer, we’ll be able to afford to bring in the top talent in the business, if she leaves.” “Hopefully we’ll be able to keep her happy here, but you never know how young people are motivated sometimes.” “What are your thoughts on the topic, Mulva?”

Happy to be called on again, Mulva related that the Reverend Handbasket seemed to be completely overwhelmed by the experience. “Helena comes back to the office after each service to sit with me while I’m the counting the tithes,” Mulva said. “She seems to be generally less interested in the money than in releasing her feelings.” “Helena just kind of chats incessantly while I’m counting.” “It’s like she’s  transitioning from some sort of ‘out of body’ experience back to our world.” “I swear, I feel like she is just charged with electricity.”

“Maybe I’m imaging a problem that has no basis,” said Elder Cheatum, “thanks for your feelings, Mulva.” “By the way, I did want to ask you for an update about Alva Bread and the kids.” “Has anybody said anymore about the incident?”

“Alva’s being pretty tight-lipped about everything, so I really don’t have anything to report, except a rumor.” Mulva said. “Widow Ferguson in Number Four says she has seen Reverend Dale, ‘visiting his kids’, at hours after their bedtime.” “I haven’t said anything to Bud about it yet, he’s still mad about the whole mess.” “I’ll keep my eyes and ears open.”

“Good, good”, said Elder Cheatum. “Is there any further business?” 

There was no business brought forward, and the committee headed out into the parking lot to a slight dusting of snow. “This might be the only thing that can slow us down”, Elder Cheatum thought to himself as he drove out of the parking lot.