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Good morning, y’all. A positive force has invaded our news cycle. The Olympics have begun down in Rio. In spite of a lot of negative press, it looks like the games are going to be broadcast in the spirit in which they were intended, the celebration of our athletes. While we can get caught up in the doping scandals, cost overruns and local crime, the real focus is on the people who train and endure and seek perfection in their chosen discipline. It is fun to celebrate the best of what we as humans can accomplish.

Speaking of the best of what we can accomplish bring us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Elder Diggum slid into the booth at Wednesday’s unofficial meeting of the church board of directors held weekly at the IHOP in Blairsville.

“Hot off the presses”, he said as he handed the latest copy of the North Georgia Gazette to Elder Cheatum.

“Thanks”, said Elder Cheatum, “I went ahead and ordered for you; pages one through four of the menu”. Elder Cheatum raised his arm to call the waitress over as he grinned at Elder Diggum.

“Just kidding”, he said as he began rummaging through the paper. Elder Cheatum found the religion column and had completed reading it by the time that Elder Diggum had finished giving his order to the waitress. “Well, they haven’t picked up our move yet, or they’re ignoring it”, he said as he handed this week’s epistle to Elder Wiley. The article by Howard Doohan read:

I took a look inside of the belly of the beast of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the other day. It was not a pretty sight. The pictures of men with their families, where you couldn’t tell his children from his wives, was very disturbing. I will never get those images out of mind, and I’m glad that there are none of those folks in our area. Even the main stream Mormon’s couldn’t make a foothold in our area. I think there’s a group holding meetings in a trailer somewhere, but for the most part, they are not a player in the salvation market here.

Another non-player in our area are the Scientologists. I think they tend to setup where there’s a preponderance of rich folks, and, who can blame them? The original premise for their religion came from a science fiction writer, L. Ron Hubbard. L. Ron posited that if a fellow really wanted to get rich in life, he’d start a religion. He wrote a book called, “Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health” in 1952, that detailed his thinking about how people should live their lives. The book went into great detail about how people could psychoanalyze themselves and be able to cure themselves without the aid of doctors trained in the field. Mood altering drugs were not allowed, but it appears that mind altering drugs were. There were also people trained as “auditors”, who could help guide people in gaining “clarity”. The auditors would use something called an electropsychometer, or E-meter for short. The auditor would strap you into the E-meter and give you a reading about traumas you’ve experienced in this life, and previous ones, to help get you “clear”.

Obviously, the American Medical Authority was not happy about the Scientologists practicing medicine without a license, and they went after L. Ron and his followers. After Dianetics went into bankruptcy, L. Ron reformulated it as a religion called the Church of Scientology. With tax exempt status, and free from the attacks from the medical community, L.Ron was on his way to stardom. All he needed was a population looking for something other than a “traditional” religious experience, and he would have the road to riches paved for him. Turns out the road was paved in gold.

It’s easy to see how a science fiction writer could formulate a dialog of Creation that would blend in parts of science, and parts of fantasy, to make the Genesis appealing to people who were burned out on traditional religion. The story of Xenu, a tyrannical ruler of the “Galactic Confederacy”, who brought billions of people to Earth in spaceships 75 million years ago, is a pretty good start for a science fiction novel. Or a religion, apparently. It gets weirder from there, and I encourage further reading.

What is more interesting to me is that the Scientologists don’t seem to have a lot of moral scruples when confronted with opposition. “Do unto others as ye would have done unto you”, does not appear to be one of their tenets. There are a host of misdeeds and crimes listed on the internet for perusal. I think the attack on the IRS stands out the most to me. Maybe because it’s called the “Operation Snow White” affair, which conjures up Disney and Hollywood. A religion infiltrating the government is kind of science fiction stuff, but I guess it’s just the Scientologists getting back to their roots. They’d probably get Tom Cruise to play the lead in the movie, that is if they ever wanted the rest of the world to know what’s going on behind their closed doors. Sounds like a real Mission Impossible to me.

There are many lists of the famous Scientologists, and I guess there would be no reason to publish the non famous names. There is one name that jumps out past Tom Cruise and John Travolta to me, and that is Greta Van Susteren. I can see how a bunch of Hollywood types might get caught up in a foolish endeavor because it was trendy. I am surprised that a lawyer and journalist would not feel compelled to seek the truth about her religion. I guess, like they say, you just take some things on faith.

“Well, it’s not about us, so it’s a good column in my opinion”, said Elder Wiley as he handed the paper back to Elder Cheatum, “the young squire can continue to expose every religion in the world as far as I’m concerned, he just needs to leave us alone.”

“I hear you”, said Elder Cheatum, “I just don’t see how we’re going to get left out once we move into the Crystal Palace”. 

“I’d consider bribery”, said Elder Diggum between mouthfuls,”I just don’t know if anybody knows who he is.” “I think Doohan is a nom de plume.”

“Well…. if we were considering bribery”, began Elder Wiley, “I bet somebody knows who he is.”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen”, interjected Elder Cheatum, “Such talk is disturbing, may I suggest that we adjourn to the parking lot?” “That is if Barry doesn’t require another hog to be butchered to slake his appetite for bacon.”

Elder Diggum carefully wrapped his side order of bacon in a napkin before putting it in his jacket pocket. Once in the parking lot, the Elders agreed to not get carried away by perceived threats, but only to respond to actual threats to their mission. The three best friends bid each other goodbye as they left to perform their ‘real’ professions. In less than eight hours they would be together again, conducting church business.

 

Good morning, y’all. I think the most interesting story I’ve read recently is how our former directors of the CIA are referring to the Donald as a “Russian Doll”. It seems that the former directors, both of whom worked for Republican presidents, think that the Donald’s desperate need for flattery made him susceptible to being turned by Putin. Putin, who the directors point out never left the KGB, would be adept at exploiting the vanity of a megalomaniac. Fascinating stuff if the future of the world didn’t hang in the balance.

Speaking of balancing acts brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God.  The month of January was fairly flying by. Everyone associated with The Full Gospel Original Church of God was busier than “a one-armed paper hanger” as Elder Diggum liked to say. Elder Cheatum watched the congregation squirm into the spaces available at Sunday’s service on January 17th and marveled at the diversity before him.

As he watched the big screens in the front of the auditorium, the camera panned the crowd displaying the faces of people the Elder had never seen before. In point of fact, the Elder might have crossed to the other side of the street if he had seen some of the new acolytes out walking on the street. The new group of parishioners that were coming in from the hinterlands were as diverse a group of folks as one would ever hope to see.

“It looks like the auditions for Barnum and Bailey out there”, the Elder thought to himself.

While the Elder had grown a mild tolerance to the “body arts” as some people liked to refer to tattoos, he felt they should be of the subtle variety. The Elder realized that most young people sported an ink illustration or two, he just thought they should be out of sight. Where the Elder drew the line on “body arts” was the puncturing of perfectly good flesh and then sticking some sort of appliance through the hole. While he had long ago grown to accept the piercing of ears by women, he was horrified at the new custom of piercing noses and cheeks and lips. Piercing the tongue was so vile that the thought caused the Elder to retch.

While the Elder had gained a little acceptance of the female of the species puncturing themselves, he could not for the life of himself understand males wearing ear rings. When he looked out over the crowd, he saw a couple of males that had not only punctured their ears, but inserted something that looked like a spool for thread through the hole to make the earlobe drag like a basset hound’s.

“That can’t be good for you, can it?” the Elder thought to himself.

As Elder Wiley came over to stand next to Elder Cheatum, Elder Cheatum nodded at the big screen TV displaying the faces of the two males with spools in their ears.

“You know these folks don’t worry about my approval one iota, and I’m happy they don’t”, Elder Cheatum whispered in Elder Wiley’s ear, “but, I do believe they’re in the right spot to have their lifestyles and choices evaluated.” “I can think of a few members of the congregation that will tell the newcomers what they think of their looks straight off.”

Elder Cheatum nodded towards Amen Corner and continued, “One blast of  ‘country wisdom’ from Granny Waller should separate the curious from the confirmed right way.” “She’s never had a problem telling folks what she thinks, and at 97 years old, she’s just that much more forthcoming with her opinions; the filters are all turned off.”

Elder Wiley grinned and whispered in Elder Cheatum’s ear, “You always know where you stand with Granny Waller.”

Just then the sounds of Ted E. Bayer and the Love Fellowship blasted through the sound system as they began to play the gathering hymn. Conversation no longer possible, Elder Wiley moved to his usual spot near the front of the church . 

In this week’s message, the Reverend Helena Handbasket unleashed a blast from the fiery pit to warn the prideful of their eventual reward if they didn’t change their ways. It was not enough that, “pride would go before a fall”, but Reverend Helena Handbasket threw out a quote by T.S. Elliot that further summed up her feelings on the topic. “Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important”, was the quote. It was obvious that the quote had reached deeply into the congregation’s psyche by the pensive looks on their faces.

As Reverend Helena “preached on”, she explained that everyone should be important. “Everyone should be important to their families, their communities, and most especially, important to their church. “Your feelings of importance should come through your contributions though, and not through a sense of self importance”.

From where Elder Cheatum stood, it appeared that the Reverend Helen Handbasket was clearly issuing a challenge to the new members. As the Elder passed the collection plate from row to row, and looked at the member’s faces as they passed the plate to one another, he was struck by the thought.

“If you want to be proud of yourself, do good works in the church, don’t just show up dressed to the nines and expect to get recognition for your Bruno Maglis.” “I can roll with that”, the Elder thought to himself.

The Elder’s suspicions that the collection plate was a little heavier than usual was born out by Mulva’s deposit slips.

“Looks like people don’t mind paying a little extra to be able to feel prideful”, remarked Elder Cheatum.

Mulva looked up from her calculations and said,”I guess, I thought it was one of Reverend Helena’s best sermons, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did”, replied the Elder, “I was particularly impressed by the use of the quote from a Unitarian to drive home the point of self importance.” “I might have gone with anything from Proverbs, but you can’t argue with success.” The Elder nodded toward the bank deposit bag that was being filled by the secretary/treasurer.

“Speaking of good works for the church, how’s Bud coming with our website,” the Elder questioned.

“I think he’s trying real hard to get it going”, responded Mulva, “there’s been lots of diversions lately, and Bud is easily taken off of task.”

“That’s ok, I was just asking”, Elder Cheatum replied, “I’d just like to have it up to announce the new times and everything else we can think of”.

Elder Cheatum stood to leave and said, “Give him my best”.

“I will”, replied Mulva as she went back to her duties. The Elder left the parking lot proud of his contributions for the week.

 

Good morning, y’all. “There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee”, sorry, channeling my inner Bush to repeat an old saying about, “Dancing with the one that brung you”. Apparently the saying never reached Indiana where the Donald’s running mate Mike Pence resides. Mike Pence has had the unenviable task of walking behind the elephant and cleaning up the carnage and poop he leaves behind. Now Pence is outright breaking with the Donald’s statements and countering them with the sanitized versions we’ve all grown to expect. Come on Mike, have the strength of your convictions and stand by your man. Tammy Wynette did, and look at what success it brought her. You’ve got to dance with the one that brought you, it’s just good manners.

Speaking of ‘dancing with the one that brought you’ brings us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. After Reverend Handbasket left the room the members of the board reviewed the P&L report and Balance sheet. The church was making money like they had a printing press behind the altar. Even projecting the costs associated with paying Reverend Dale for the two additional services, and the expenses of maintaining two physical locations, the church was going to triple last year’s profits. If the move to the Crystal Palace paid the dividends the Elders suspected it would, the sky was the limit.

“I wanted to remind you to be sure and follow up with all of the new members and remind them of their vow to service”, said Elder Cheatum to Mulva, “We have no idea what skill sets are available to us until we get everyone catalogued in our database.” “Speaking of which, how are we coming with the improvements at the Crystal Palace.”

“Well, we’ve got the plumbing installation donated, but we’re going to have to buy the materials”, Mulva replied. “Constance’s husband just can’t afford both.”

“That’s fine, where are we with the HVAC”, Elder Cheatum said as he looked at Elder Wiley.

“I’ve got the condenser unit, the furnace and the installation donated,” Elder Wiley responded, “I have a client who sometimes comes in possession of unique items, and he happened to have a twenty ton unit available.” “Oddly, he also knew someone capable of doing the installation.”

Elder Cheatum raised an eyebrow at Elder Wiley before turning to Elder Diggum. “And how about the electrical?”

“Taken care of”, replied Elder Diggum, “he’ll be working after work, and it’ll probably take him a week or so, but it’s all free.” “He’s even donating the wire.”

“Good, good, now where do we stand on clean up?” Elder Cheatum asked as he looked back at Mulva.

“We’ve got crews going in every day until it’s done,” Mulva answered, “We’re using painter’s scaffolding to try clean the glass, but it’s slow going.” “We’re not as young as we used to be.”

“I’m still working on the Hispanic group of professionals”, interjected Elder Wiley, “I should know something this week.”

“That would be a blessing”, replied Mulva, “I’m not sure I’ll be able to enjoy the service if I’m going to be worried about every bird that flies overhead.”

The Elders chuckled at Mulva’s heartfelt admission.

“I heard that”, responded Elder Cheatum, “where are we coming on the landscaping and yard work?”

“We’re good, in fact, excellent”, said Mulva, “we’ve got a long list of people willing to work and donate a plant or a tree.” “We’re going to look like the Botanical Gardens if everybody comes through with their pledge.”

“That’s excellent”, said Elder Cheatum as he stood, indicating the conclusion of the meeting. “Keep the folks to their pledge, Mulva, “We’ve got the promised land in our sights, we can’t let up until we’ve crossed that river.”

“Would that be the Nottely river”, asked Elder Wiley as the group reached their cars.

“It would”, responded Elder Cheatum. The group headed off into the night to their respective destinations. Some to rest, and some to continue working on the church’s business long into the night.

Sunday’s service was filled to the brim, in spite of the freezing temperatures. People had taken to just leaving their coats in their cars to cut down on the extra space required by the outer garments. It was a sad indictment of the conditions, but, if all went well, relief was just a few more Sundays away. As Elder Cheatum watched from his ‘standing room only’ spot at the door, he was happy to see that the age demographic was decidedly turning younger. There was no denying the energy that the younger followers brought to the service.

This week’s service was on Sloth, a topic near and dear to Elder Cheatum’s heart. Reverend Helena opened her sermon by enlightening the congregation that in the Scriptures, Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins. Reverend Helena pointed out that in Ecumenical circles, “Sloth is described as a spiritual or emotional apathy, and being physically and emotionally inactive.” Reverend Helena touched a nerve with the people whose parents had taught them laziness was as sinful as drinking or smoking. The line that stuck with Elder Cheatum was, “Those of you committing the offense of sloth are not taking advantage of God’s gifts when you lay about all day doing nothing.”

“Fair point”, the Elder thought, “or as blatant a call to volunteerism as I’ve ever witnessed.”  The Elder was pleased that Reverend Helena drove that point in, time and time again.

Either the Reverend had a personal vendetta against the Slothful, or it was a topic that she was real familiar with. Either way, the Reverend ran out of TV time before she was finished delivering her message. Channel 19 in Blairsville cut away to “their regularly scheduled telecast” before the Reverend wound up. No altar call, no serpent wrangling, just a cutaway to the next show without the benefit of the call for donations. Fortunately the new ad for the Bible bookmarks was shown during the collection.

“Hopefully, the donations won’t suffer too much”, Elder Cheatum thought as he headed back to the office after services. As the Elder sat down at the table and watched the secretary/treasurer separate the cash from the checks, he marveled at how nimbly she handled the task, “Done it a million times”, he thought.

Mulva looked up from the task and in a rare moment of pique responded, “Ain’t it funny that  Reverend Helena took more than an hour to deliver a message that Granny Waller handled with, ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop and idle hands are the devil’s tools’.”

Elder Cheatum laughed and grinned at the secretary as he said, “And the message was generally followed by a smack to the back of the head as I remember.” “It always got me moving.”

The two graduates of multiple Vacation Bible Schools laughed together at the memory of the days of “spare the rod and spoil the child”.

“Well, it’s probably going to help with our calls for volunteerism this week,” Mulva said as she wrote out the deposit slips and placed the collections in the bank bag.

“Every cloud has a silver lining”, responded Elder Cheatum, “let’s hope these clouds outside aren’t carrying any precipitation.” “We’ve had our ice storm for the year, I hope.”

“The Almanac says it will be mild from here on out”, Mulva replied, “I hope it’s right.” “We’ve got a lot of work to do.”

“Speaking of”, replied the Elder, “I’m going to leave you to it.”

Suddenly the Elder was gone, leaving the secretary to conclude the church’s business for that week on her own.

 

Good morning, y’all. While we all ponder whether the Zika virus is just the first wave of the Zombie Apocalypse, it is interesting to note that one state has taken exception to the amount of compensation hospital CEO’s make, and how it relates to patient care. Arizona is taking the position that officers of a hospital should not  be paid more than the President of the United States, which is $450,000 per year. According to The Massachusetts Nurses Association, a CEO in a community hospital serving 100 people probably makes $600,000 a year. That $150,000 differential will buy a lot of band aids, or Zika vaccine. Not to mention the fact that there is only one PROTUS, and thousands of hospitals. Is it possible Arizona has gotten something right?

Speaking of big money brings us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Wednesday Night Prayer meeting was characterized by a subtle shift in the complexion of the faces of the audience. It was clear that Reverend Helena’s sermon on racial tolerance had led to the inclusion of three or four more families of color attending the service. Elder Cheatum made a mental note to himself to have Mulva follow up with the new members for inclusion in the “volunteer task force”. There was no telling what gifts the new initiates could bestow on the church.

Prayer meeting went well, and the Elder was surprised at how much he enjoyed the stylings of Ted E. Bayer and the Love Fellowship. To the band’s credit, there had been no reports of any misdeeds by the ex-cons. In fact, most of the musicians had signed membership cards for the church and had given their souls to Jesus at the altar calls.

“The Lord moves in mysterious ways”, the Elder thought as he headed for the board meeting in the office after services. The board meeting now included Reverend Helena. Although she was not a voting member yet, Elder Cheatum felt that including Reverend Helena in the meetings would give her the feeling that she had an ownership in the church. While the Elder did feel a certain kinship to the Reverend that he could not explain, his overriding thoughts were for the future of the church. Losing Reverend Helena would be a devastating loss to the congregation, not to mention to the church’s finances. Bringing the young reverend into ‘the halls of power’ could only help cement her relationship with the community. 

As Elder Cheatum sat down at the table, Mulva was finishing a story about her adventures in babysitting with the Bread brood. Reverend Dale and Alva were going out at least once a week now, and Mulva and her husband Bud were tasked with keeping the seven little ones breathing until their parents returned.

“Bud can’t figure where they’re getting the money to go out to eat and go to the movies if they don’t have the money to pay rent”, said Mulva.

Mulva paused and continued, “He gets really worked up when he sees the Ladies Auxillary delivering meals, and he gets absolutely apoplectic when it’s my turn.”

“Well, Mulva”, said Elder Cheatum, “maybe it won’t be for too much longer.” “If things go according to plan, we should be able to have Reverend Dale picking up the two services on Sunday, and that’ll bring the family a little spending money.” “Have you talked to Reverend Dale, Alvin?”

Elder Wiley looked up from his scratch pad, where he was drawing caricatures of people smoking pipes, and responded, “Yes, I did.”

“Well?”, said Elder Cheatum.

“Well, I offered him the two time slots, like we agreed upon, at the price we agreed upon, and bless Pat, he wanted to negotiate.”

“I just stood up and started to leave”, Elder Wiley continued, “I was half way to the door before he yelled he’d take it.” “I will never understand that man, or your interest in trying to rehabilitate him.” “I think he’s a lost cause.”

“But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins“, said Elder Cheatum.

“Matthew 6:15”, said Reverend Helena quietly.

“Mulva, let’s talk about something more pleasant, how are the Bible bookmarks doing?”, asked Elder Cheatum.

“We’ve gone through about eight thousand of the new batch,” Mulva replied, “and the demand seems to be slowing down some.” “I don’t know if that means we’ve saturated our market, or if we need to change up our ad so it is more appealing.”

“Good point”, said Elder Cheatum, “Barry why don’t you talk to Brother Dye over at Channel 99 and see if we can do three ads.” “We’ll rotate through them on a weekly basis.” “Shoot, we might even get repeat business with a new ad”.

“Will do”, said Elder Diggum, “By the way, I’ve been talking to them about our move, and there are going to be challenges.”

“I didn’t doubt that they’re wouldn’t be, anything they can’t handle?”, asked Elder Cheatum.

“No, not really”, said Elder Diggum, “but you’re going to be surprised at the solution.”

“Do tell”, asked Elder Cheatum.

“Well, you know they didn’t want there to be cameramen everywhere because they always wind up in the shot, and so mounting cameras was a good solution.” “The problem in the Crystal Palace is where to mount the cameras, and what to mount them to.”

The Elder allowed the group to contemplate the problem before he sprung the solution on them .

“We’re going NFL on it”, Elder Diggum fairly shouted with glee, “We’re going to suspend cameras on guy wires strung across the auditorium.” “The cameras will be controlled by a mobile truck Channel 99 is going to setup in the parking lot for the telecasts.” “We’ll have one or two cameramen inside, kind of hiding out of sight until they’re called on.” “The rest of the shots will come from the ‘flying cameras'”. “They’ll be able to look directly into Reverend Helena’s eyes, even though she’s up on the stage.”

While the group was catching its breath from the excitement of Reverend Diggum’s response, Reverend Helena was first to speak. “Well, I guess I better be sure my makeup looks right”.

“I wouldn’t worry about that”, Elder Wiley responded, “you always look just right.” “I do worry about the liability of a camera crashing down on somebody’s head.” “Who carries the liability insurance on this ‘NFL’ setup? ”

“I didn’t ask”, responded Elder Diggum, “that’s something you can put on your ‘to do’ list.” Elder Diggum continued, “I’m just thrilled that we took a real problem and turned it into a solution worthy of the finest promoters in the world.”

Elder Cheatum jumped in quickly to divert attention from the use of the word ‘promoters’ and the concept of promotion, “I’m just happy that the folks in TV land, who are housebound and unable to see Reverend Helena in person will have the opportunity to get as close to her gifts as possible”.

“Speaking of which, you must be worn out”, The Elder said as he turned to Reverend Helena, “We’ve got just a couple of other items to look at, why don’t you go out ahead and take the rest of the night off?”

“Thanks, I believe I will”, said Reverend Helena recognizing the fact that she was being excused.

Good morning, y’all. I like to look at the “this day in history” segments of the news, just as a lark. I was stunned to see that today is the fiftieth anniversary of the Texas tower shootings. I’m sure very few people remember the details, but the essence is that a fellow that had been trained by the Marines as a sniper, climbed up into the bell tower of the University of Texas and opened up fire on the innocents below. Nineteen people were killed, and I guess the question can be asked, ‘what if he had had access to the weaponry that is available today?’. Texas has now voted for open carry on campus, so I’m guessing it won’t take long before my rhetorical question is answered. Heaven help us.

Well speaking of innocents brings us back around to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Wednesday morning “breakfast club” members were feeling quite full of themselves that day. Not “full enough” to not order breakfast as evidenced by Elder Diggum’s order of steak and eggs, stack of pancakes, and side of french toast with extra bacon.

As Elder Cheatum took a bite of his toast, he said, “He’s back”.

“Who’s back”, asked Elder Wiley.

“The religion, comedy, social media opinion about everything columnist”, responded Elder Cheatum, “he’s decided to rip our new landlords this week.”

Elder Cheatum handed that week’s copy of the North Georgia Gazette to Elder Wiley who promptly folded the paper so that only the column by Howard Doohan was revealed. It read:

I don’t sleep well when there’s bad storms, so I look for diversions to take my mind off of the weather. Last night I took the opportunity of the massive thunderstorms to watch a documentary that starred award winning author Jon Krakhauer. The movie that I chose was “Prophet’s Prey”. I admit, I went into viewing the movie as a mildly interested party. Well, I can’t say I’m not interested now. In fact, I may have to figure out how to charge the producers and directors of the movie for the counseling I’m going to need after watching the show. Disturbing kind of scratches the surface of how to describe the movie.

The “Prophet” in question is Warren Jeffs, the president of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The “Prey“, were everybody Jeffs came in contact with, but most especially children. The setup with these folks is so convoluted and entangled that it would take an army of accountants years to figure out their land holdings and internal structure, which is not to say somebody shouldn’t do it. Jeffs put hundreds of people in slavery by confiscating all of their belongings and then taking their paychecks from them. Jeffs controlled every aspect of the followers daily lives. The initiates were powerless to move away from the church, emotionally and financially. Once Jeffs held all of the purse strings, he tightened down on the congregation until the aberration that resulted was way more cult than church.

Now, I’m familiar with a wide range of religions, and I feel like I’m fairly tolerant of folk’s belief systems. I never suspected that anyone could go to the depths of perversion like Jeffs and his followers have. Especially those who claim they were doing the “Lord’s work”. We’ve all heard about the Mormons prolictivity for multiple marriage, there’s even a “T”ouching “L”ittle “C”hildren network show called “Sister Wives“. While I’ve made fun of the idea of having more than one woman to “put up with”, Jeffs is recorded to have more than sixty wives. Now these are not wives in the traditional sense. Most of the “marriages” were not done in the church in front of the congregation, like we do. These “marriages” took place by bringing the bride to the husband’s room. Thereafter the bride was called upon when it was the husband’s desire.

As open minded as I am, I can’t see the pretense of a marriage to have sex with multiple partners as anything but hypocrisy. But it gets worse. Most of the “wives” were below the age of consent, some as young as twelve. Jeffs would reward a follower with a wife for the male’s undying devotion to the Jeffs’ program. Having a wife put the follower in line to have children of his own, who would then be used as chattel to improve the husband’s standing. This goes beyond the old “arranged marriage” concept of wedding families together for the benefit of both families. This is wholesale child sex slavery. Carried out right here in the U.S.A., in multiple states, in full view of the law.

One of the saddest stories in the movie was from Jeffs’ wife number 66, I believe. She was fifteen when brought to Jeffs, and within a year had his baby. Her life was over at fifteen. She told the story about how the cult believed that wearing red was a sin because Jesus is supposed to be wearing a red robe when He comes back. She related that she would purposefully wear red to tempt God to destroy her for heresy. She was so miserable that she truly wanted an angel to strike her dead.

Finally, the state of Utah issued a warrant for Jeffs’ arrest on felony charges of accomplice rape of a teenage girl between 14 and 18 years old. He then used his many compounds and followers to avoid arrest. Jeffs even made the FBI’s ten most wanted list at one point. Jeffs was eventually arrested and convicted on two counts of sexual assault of a child. He was given life in prison.

Unfortunately his followers remain, and the patterns of child abuse still remain. Whether under Jeffs direction from jail, or vying for their own leadership, Jeffs’ brothers and sons continue the horror. These folks make Pentecostals look like Unitarians. Please put me down as a secular humanist, albeit a fundamental secular humanist.

“Well, I was riding right along there with him up until that little zinger at the end”, said Elder Wiley, “what’s the source of his major malfunction when it comes down to Pentecostals?”

“I don’t know”, replied Elder Cheatum, “it does concern me about our move.” “We’d like to be able to invite the press to our ‘grand opening’, but I don’t know about inviting anyone from the paper.” “Certainly not this kid”. “Oh well”, Elder Cheatum took a sip of his coffee and continued, “What’s the story from the trades people”, he asked.

“Well, there’s not a piece of copper pipe left in the place”, said Elder Diggum between forkfuls, “No one can speculate when it was taken, it could have been the Mormons for all we know, but the plumbers are going to have to re-pipe the place.”

“The HVAC had no compressor, just the outer cover”, said Elder Wiley, “they did leave us the duct work though.” “The electrician is going to have run new service from the street to bring us up to code.” “Looks like our copper thieves didn’t pull out the wiring, but I’m sure there will need to be some upgrades.”

“Well, at least we don’t have to worry about a roof”, grinned Elder Cheatum, “or painters.”

“No, but we should probably all buy stock in Windex”, said Elder Wiley as he placed his napkin in his plate indicating he was finished. “I’ve got a line on some Hispanic high rise window cleaners who are supposed to be fearless.” “I think I’m going to invite them to Sunday’s service to see if they might give up their Papist ways in favor of a more satisfying Ecclesiastical experience.”

The three friends walked to the parking lot together.

“See you in church”, they said in unison before getting in their cars to head about their business.

 

Good morning, y’all. Well if you look at today’s news you’d think there might be a fine line between crazy and insane. You’ve got a guy jumping out of an airplane without a parachute, hoping to be caught on the ground by a safety net. You’ve got a political figure insulting war heroes and their parents. What’s the difference? One of these nutjobs has a safety net, I don’t think the Donald does. There is never a dull moment with the Donald, so maybe that’s why he should go back to reality TV where he belongs. Maybe he could pair up with Ozzy Osborne.

Conjuring up the memory of Black Sabbath recalls the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The board members, “plus one”, arrived at the former Mormon church in Blairsville, known as the Crystal Palace, promptly at 9AM that Monday. While the unique architecture of the building looked like a giant golf ball made of glass and steel from the outside, one had to actually enter the church to absorb the wonders of the design.

The main building was constructed of glass triangles fitted together to form a geodesic dome. While looking like a piece of Waterford cut crystal, the dome shape was extraordinarly strong, and provided protection from high winds and other maladies. Upon entering into the auditorium, the group was struck by the almost 360 degree seating arrangement. In addition to the floor seating, which was impressive when compared to the Little Church in The Valley, the seating continued up into the dome, stadium style. Behind the pulpit there was an expansive area for the choir and other dignitaries to sit. The offices, changing rooms and storage were in a smaller brick building directly behind the main church, connected by a covered walkway. A large landscaped area separated the office building from a large pavilion at the back of the property that was used for picnics and reunions.

“Wow”, said Reverend Helena as she swiveled her head around looking about the interior.

“Just the response we were looking for”, said Elder Cheatum, “welcome to your new home.” “Well, not your ‘home’, but you get my idea”.

“I’ve only been by here a couple of times”, said Mulva with a look of wonder on her face, “I’ve never been inside, I had no idea.”

“Well, it looks more up to date than it really is because of the design”, said Elder Cheatum, “We’ve got a lot of behind the scenes work to do before we can invite the public.”

“Like bringing the wiring up to code”, said Elder Diggum.

“And updating the heating and air conditioning to something from this century”, chimed in Elder Wiley.

“And just washing everything down with a good vinegar solution”, said Mulva as she ran her finger through years of accumulated dust on the altar.

“Yeah, this is clearly the biggest window washing job ever seen”, said Elder Cheatum, “so we’re going to reach as deep into our membership as we need to, to find a solution.” “Obviously, it’s going to be an ongoing issue.”

“Probably why the Mormons gave it up”, wisecracked Elder Wiley. 

“Why did the Mormons give it up”, asked Reverend Helena.

“Well, I’ve been told they thought the demographics were right for them”, replied Elder Wiley, “People in this area are very self-sufficient, have large families, marry young and generally stay married, even if it’s to just one wife”. “Our voting habits would suggest that we are extremely racist and misogynistic, so we had that going for us as well.”

The Elder paused to give the group a grin, “When they started proselytizing the area they had an excellent following, particularly when people found out that the Mormons operated huge food banks for their followers that needed a hand.” “It didn’t take long before people found out the free food, wasn’t really free.”

“And it didn’t include meat or coffee”, chimed in Elder Diggum.

“That too”, said Elder Wiley, “but they had built this beacon for Mormonism right here in Blairsville, hoping to draw worshipers from the tri-state area”. “They did very well at first, a lot of people came just to see the church, but after a while folks couldn’t tolerate their teachings, and drifted away.”

“Telling folks we’re descended from aliens is crazier than telling folks we’re descended from apes”, inserted Elder Diggum.

“Wow”, said Reverend Helena., “the things they don’t teach you in seminary.”

“Well, we hope to turn their loss into our gain”, said Elder Cheatum, “we have a two year lease that is very favorable.” “We have already agreed upon a very favorable sales price should we decide to purchase at the end of the lease.”

Elder Cheatum looked about the auditorium and said, “The challenge before is daunting, but I know the good folks of The Full Gospel Original Church of God are up to the task.” “We are going to have to rely on the Ladies Auxillary, and their husbands like never before.” “Everyone is going to have give, and not just financially.” “We are going to need carpenters, painters, electricians..”

“And window washers”, added Mulva.

“And most certainly window washers”, answered Elder Cheatum. “So what we want to do today is spread out, look in every nook and cranny, and make a list of the obvious things that need to be repaired.” “We’ll let the specific trades people come in and look at the bones, we just want to target the things that untrained labor can remedy.”

When the group reconvened an hour later, Reverend Helena was first to speak.”Did you all know there’s a baptismal pool under the stage?” “It looks like it can be raised to floor level for Baptisms, and then hides out of sight when not being used.” “That’s very cool”.

“We prefer Hawker creek, but, that’s kind of limited to the summer time”, added Elder Wiley, “it might be good to be able to anoint people three or four times a year.”

“OK, everybody give your lists to Mulva and she’ll assign the volunteers to the tasks”, said Elder Cheatum, “I don’t know about you all, but I’m starved.” “Barry, where are you taking us today?”

Elder Diggum didn’t even rebel at being assigned the task of host. “Well, I was going to say the ‘Maison De Golden Arches’, but now that you’ve made a big deal of it, how about Outback Steak House?”

The group had plenty of time to chat on the ride to and from the steakhouse in Suwanee. When they returned to the Crystal Palace, each member had their marching orders. Excited, and filled with anticipation, the group left the parking lot of the new location of The Full Gospel Original Church of God.

Good morning, y’all. I don’t know when the term “news” was redefined to mean “just bad news” but there seems to be plenty to go around. Today, we hear about the devastating floods in Ellicott City, Maryland where the whole town was destroyed and two were left dead. Next, we hear about sixteen people dying in a hot air balloon accident. It was a clear beautiful day, and yet, sixteen people lost their lives. I guess no one knows the day or the hour.

Speaking of knowing the day and the hour brings us back around to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Sunday’s service was once again filled to the rafters with the curious and the convinced. The below freezing temperature did not dampen the followers burning with the flame the Holy Spirit. As Elder Cheatum looked across the congregation seated before him from his new vantage spot, standing next to the door, he noticed the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread sitting front and center with his family. Elder Cheatum was not sure how he had missed them entering the church, but there they were, in front of God and everybody. “I hope there’s not going to be any trouble”, he thought as Ted E. Bayer and his Love Fellowship broke the  silence with the gathering hymn.

As Reverend Handbasket appeared on the stage there was a collective gasp from the crowd. Reverend Helena was wearing robes that were patch-worked in the colors of the African flag. Bright red, bright green and solid black were mixed together harmoniously to give the appearance of a very tailored flag. The sermon was on race relations, which was a timely topic considering the numbers of new brown and black faces in the congregation. The older members of the congregation were not only having to contend with “flatlanders”, they were also having to contend with people of color, something they rarely had to do. Segregation of the races was just how things were done here in “Whitopia”.

Elder Cheatum remembered the phrase he had heard his whole life that was specifically reserved for blacks, “Don’t let the sun set on you in Union county”. Black people, who did the menial jobs that the white people did not want to do, had to live in the surrounding counties. In this part of Georgia, blacks were not welcome to live in the same county as the people that they served. Even today, the 2014 census revealed that less than 1% of the population in Union county was black, just slightly higher than the Native American population. Statewide the black population comprised almost one third of the general population in Georgia.

“The roots of bigotry run deep”, thought Elder Cheatum, “even when they go contrary to convenience.”

The Elder watched the crowd’s faces for reactions as Reverend Handbasket referenced the Bible to support her sermon. She quoted Leviticus 19:33-34, “When an alien lives with you in your land, do not mistreat him. The alien living with you must be treated as one of your native-born. Love him as yourself, for you were aliens in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.”

“Good catch all quote”, thought Elder Cheatum, “Red or yellow, black or white, they are all precious in His sight.”

As he scanned the faces of the congregation, the message seemed to be well received, and Reverend Helena was doing a bang up job of delivering it. So good in fact, that she ran long on the sermon. The telecast had to cut away before the Testament of Faith and the Altar call. As it turned out, the overrun was providential. It allowed the Reverend Handbasket to ask the congregation to stay behind for some “important church business”. As Elder Cheatum watched; a few folks scampered out of the doors before Reverend Handbasket announced what the “important church business” was.

“Just as well”, he thought, “They’re more interested in their fantasy football teams than the mission of the church, it’s just as well we don’t count their vote.”

As Reverend Handbasket explained the two options to the assembled crowd, the Elders and “Elders in training” moved up and down the aisles handing out 3×5 cards with the choices clearly printed on them:

Continue the growth of our mission, even if it means moving to a new sanctuary.

Discontinue the telecasts and abandon efforts to spread the word.

After dispensing the ballots, the Elders walked back to the front of the church and used the prayer baskets to collect the ballots. As the Elders returned the baskets to the altar, Reverend Handbasket led the congregation in the singing of “Love Lifted Me”. At the end of the hymn she pronounced the benediction and the congregation exited the church.

The Elders rushed to the altar and collected the baskets. Sitting around the table in the church office, the Elders stacked the ballots into two piles. The count was not even close; as the Elders had imagined it would not be. If seniority had been used to qualify voters, there is little doubt that the vote would have gone the other way. By allowing the newcomers to vote, the Elders had tilted the scales in the direction of the outcome they desired. 

“Well boys…, and girls”, said Elder Diggum as he looked between Mulva and Reverend Helena, “it looks like the people have spoken.”

“I would say overwhelmingly so”, responded Elder Wiley, “it looks like the people want to spread our message as far as we can.” “Mulva, how soon can you get the Ladies Auxillary mobilized?”

Mulva appeared to be in deep thought, but responded quickly,”It depends on the task”.

“Well, I’m sure that there’s years of dust and dinge that need to be removed at the new church”, said Elder Wiley, “plus we’re going to have to lean on the ‘husbands auxillary’ to repair and to paint.”

“If any of the husbands have a specific trade like HVAC, electrician, or plumber, we want to put them at the top of our list”, said Elder Cheatum, “Nothing will spoil an ecclesiastical experience like a backed up toilet.”

“By the same token, bringing folks into a new worship hall without heat will not engender folks to dig deep into their pockets”, responded Elder Wiley, “We need to get the right trades folks in to cross the t’s and dot the i’s before we invite the world to come visit.” 

“Well, I think we’re all agreed, the sooner started the sooner finished”, said Elder Cheatum, “so let’s all meet at the Crystal Palace tomorrow at 9AM, ok?”

Everyone at the table nodded their assent.

“Ok, since everyone is so agreeable, I’d like to float one more trial balloon”, said Elder Cheatum, “I’d like for all of us to consider letting Reverend Dale take our proposed new worship times on Sunday.”

“Are you crazy?”, was the immediate response from Elder Wiley.

“Perhaps”, responded Elder Cheatum, “But I watched how folks that knew him responded to him today, and they all seemed to be happy to see him.”

“I think we should consider him for the 7AM service and the 3PM service”, Elder Cheatum continued, “that way Reverend Helena is fresh for prime time, and we can offer our congregation the opportunity to worship with a familiar face, and without feeling crowded.”

“I’m ok with Reverend Dale”, Reverend Helena spoke for the first time, “If I had fallen, I would want to be given a second chance.”

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins”, recited Elder Diggum as he smiled at the group, “Mark 11:25”.

Elder Cheatum raised one eyebrow in the direction of Elder Diggum, and then turned his attention back to the group.

“I motion that we approach Reverend Dale with the idea of the two new time-slots, and then see how it goes”, Elder Cheatum said as he looked each member in the eye.

The motion carried. There being no further business the group left the church.

Good morning, y’all. Well, if you have any doubt about who Hillary Clinton is, it should be dispelled by now. Character witness after character witness came forward to sing the praises of someone who has been working for the common man, and children in particular, for forty years. In spite of Hillary’s brilliant acceptance speech, the most important words of the night were spoken by a Muslim father who had lost his son fighting for the United States Army. “You have sacrificed nothing, you have sacrificed no one”, the father accused the Donald. Offering to loan the Donald his copy of the U.S. Constitution for what would be a first reading by the Donald, was just icing on the cake.

Speaking of unique situations brings us to today’s retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Elders, ‘plus one’, met in the office of the little church after Wednesday Night Prayer meeting. As Mulva started printing the profit and loss statements to the little printer she had donated to the church, she commented on the crowd size.

“We’re just about as full tonight as we were on Sunday”, Mulva said, “I think we should start passing the plate.” “I’m betting there’s folks coming on Wednesday that are avoiding Sunday.”

“Well, I’m never going to get a better lead in than that”, thought Elder Cheatum.

“Well Mulva”, Elder Cheatum said to the secretary/treasurer, “We’ve all been agonizing over this problem day and night.” “I know you have too.” “I’ve prayed on it, I’ve read the scriptures, I’ve talked to people about it almost nonstop, and I think I’ve come to a couple of conclusions.”

Mulva Lite sensed the gravity of the Elder’s voice and put her paperwork down on the table and focused on Elder Cheatum.

“What I’m going to propose may sound like I’ve completely lost my mind, and I’m willing to take a crazy test if you all insist.”

Without waiting for a vote for a sanity test, the Elder plunged ahead, “I’d like to offer the congregation the opportunity to vote on our future.” “I know sometimes our members feel like we just make decisions without considering their feelings, but I can assure you that that has never been the case.”

Elder Cheatum took a sip of Mountain Dew and continued, “We’re unique in that the same family has provided leadership for the church for three generations.” “From our founder Hiram Hawker, through his grandson Daniel, most of our decisions for the church were made by their visions.” “We don’t have their guidance anymore.”

Elder Cheatum looked around the table and all eyes were on him, “What we do have is a Reverend that is reaching into the souls of people and causing them to take action.” “Reverend Helena is reaching people as far as the telecasts go, and those people are motivated to attend our church and contribute to spreading our message.” “I think most people would call it a phenomenon, maybe a miracle”.

Elder Cheatum took another sip and continued, “For those of us that believe that it is all part of God’s plan, we can say that the hiring of Reverend Dale and his subsequent fall were part of God’s plan to bring us to Reverend Helena.” “Now, because we have outgrown our current situation, we have to ask, ‘what is the next part of the plan?'”

Elder Cheatum continued, “I’m going to draw on one of my favorite childhood songs, ‘This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine’ as an answer.”

The Elder paused to take a breath and continued, “For those of you would went to vacation Bible school with Granny Waller, I know you’ve been told many times to not ‘hide your light under a bushel basket.'”

As the collected group shook their heads in agreement, Elder Cheatum felt moved to quote the scriptures, “I believe it was Matthew 5:14-16 that said, ‘You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.‘”

The Elder let his words sink in before he continued, “I feel deeply, deeply, that it is our mission to bring Reverend Helena’s special gift to as many people as we can.” “I believe we should allow our congregation the opportunity to vote to move our services to the Crystal Palace in Blairsville.” 

As the gravity of his words reached each member of the board, Mulva asked,”What if the people don’t want to go?”

“Then we’ll stay”, answered Elder Cheatum, “We’ll turn off the telecasts, and eventually all of that TV money will dry up.” ” Who knows, eventually the church may return to the same size as it was when Reverend Daniel was preaching, and we can take those horrible additions off.”

Elder Cheatum continued, “Now, we’re not going to be able to fund any of those projects we’ve been talking about, the trip to the Holy Land, the daycare center, the mission trip to Central America.” “We’re going to have to squeeze every quarter until the eagle screams, but hey, we know how to do that, we’ve been there before.”

Elder Cheatum measured the look of alarm in Mulva’s face before continuing, “I also worry about the revivals, but maybe that is part of God’s plan, too”.

Elder Diggum jumped in ahead of Mulva to ask,”What about the revivals?”

“Well, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re not getting any younger”, Elder Cheatum said as he looked around the table. “If we can’t attract young people into membership, and consequentially volunteership, then the church will have to contract for all of those services provided by volunteers.”

Elder Cheatum leaned back in his chair as he began to wrap up, “I’m not proposing a ‘reformation’, I don’t see splitting the church as the answer”. “I just believe that long term, we’ll lose Reverend Helena if we vote to stay.” “She’ll be getting offers that we won’t be able to match with our old revenue model.” “Maybe that’s God’s plan, but maybe God brought Reverend Helena to us to spread the vision of Hiram Hawker to the world.” 

The room was quiet for a few seconds before Mulva spoke. “I truly do believe what you’re saying, Reverend Helena is meant for a larger audience than the little church in the valley.” “I want to be a part of that larger voice and that movement.” “I just don’t want to lose our traditions and the friends that we have here.” “Does that make sense?” “It’s like you really want to live in Atlanta and enjoy all of its benefits, but your family wants to live in Nunsuch.” “You stay in Nunsuch with your family, it’s what you do.”

“Mulva, you’ve hit the nail on the head and given me an idea at the same time”, Elder Cheatum said. “What if the ‘Yes’ vote is to maintain the telecasts, which will also be a vote on moving Reverend Helena to the Crystal Place?” “The ‘No’ vote will discontinue the telecasts and trying to maintain the status quo.”

Having sat silent for too long, Elder Wiley took the opportunity to break his silence, “What if the ‘Yes’ vote also included keeping the little church in the valley open as long as someone attends Sunday services?”

All eyes snapped on the Elder, some with hope, some with disbelief at the proposal. Elder Wiley continued, “We’d have to find a preacher at a discount, I might know where to locate one.” “The good folks of our community won’t have to follow Reverend Helena to the Crystal Palace if they don’t want to.” “Come Sunday morning, it will be business as usual at the Little Church in the Valley, just like it has been since 1902.”

The look on Mulva’s face as she recognized what was being said was one of relief spreading to joy. “Could we do that?” she asked. “Can we afford it?”

“We’ll figure a way”, said Elder Wiley, “Can you support the move if we don’t leave any stragglers behind?”

The secretary/treasurer smiled at each member of the board and said, “Yes, I believe I can.” 

Elder Wiley raised his voice to an authoritarian tone, “The motion is made to poll the congregation this Sunday for a proposed move to the Crystal Palace.”

The “Ayes” carried the motion.

Elder Wiley continued, “It is further proposed to keep the existing facilities opened for as long as they are deemed necessary, regardless of the outcome of the congregation’s vote”.

Once again, the “Ayes” carried the day.

There being no further business, the board adjourned their meeting and returned to their daily lives.

Good morning, y’all. Well, if you’ve been watching, and weren’t moved to tears by President Obama’s speech at the Democratic National Convention last night, well, I’m guessing you’re in a coma or a staunch supporter of the National Rifle Association. The emotion that came through the screen when President Obama talked about the little lost children of Sandy Hook was overwhelming. You could just see the picture of the owl gifted to the President by the parents of a child who was killed, “so that he would never forget”. Powerful, powerful stuff. All I can say is, “Four More Years, Four More Years, Four More Years!”

Speaking of strong emotions bring us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Wednesday morning’s ritual breakfast at IHOP in Blairsville had a festive atmosphere. Christmas was two days away and the restaurant had expanded its menu to included Christmas related items. Elder Diggum opted for pancakes shaped like Santa Claus with a side of “reindeer” bacon.

Elder Wiley stirred his “elf spiced” coffee as he began to speak, “Honest to Pete, I bet I saw more elbows being thrown in ten minutes before the sermon this week than in a whole NBA game.” ” You know for those of us that were Pentecostal, before Pentecostal was cool, this fighting for a spot to worship is wearing a little thin.”

Elder Diggum paused mid-mouthful to interject, “You know some of us are fourth and fifth generation church members.” “We’re just not used to sharing the pews where our family has sat for years, with outsiders.” “Heck, I can point to the initials of my granddaddy, and daddy, where they carved them in the pew in front of our spot.”

“I know, I know”, said Elder Cheatum, “the worst part of it might be than lifelong enemies are being crushed together by the new members.” “I guess as a ‘love one another’ message that’s a good thing, but people don’t always practice the Golden Rule, even in church.”

“I’m afraid”, said Elder Wiley, “that with ‘open carry’ in Georgia, we might have a greater liability situation than the snakes pose.” “I cringe at a breaking news story that would involve shooting and snakes.” ” The Full Gospel Original Church of God would never live down that notoriety.”

“You know, the big leap of faith about us leasing the Crystal Palace is an anxiety I have about our new demographics,” said Elder Cheatum. “Most of these new comers are coming to church in clothes that look like they were pulled out of a Goodwill box.” “They wear these super tight skinny leg jeans, which are totally inappropriate for worship, in my opinion, and I remember our Happy Dalers.”

Elder Cheatum took a bite of his toast and continued, “I am kind of tickled at how many of them wear Chuck Taylor’s or Converse All Stars.” “Inappropriate, but it’s kind of cool to see these young folks appreciating the old standards.”

Elder Cheatum took a big sip of coffee before continuing, “The thing that has hit me the weirdest with these new folks is that they all went to a Super Cuts and picked out the same style from the pictures on the wall.” “Men and women, they’ve all got the same hair cut.” “It’s some sort of unisex thing I don’t understand.”

“Metrosexual”, interrupted Elder Diggum, “they call it Metrosexual.”

“Well, I figured if anyone knew the definition it would be you”, said Elder Wiley as he grinned at Elder Diggum, who had returned to his second order of ‘reindeer’ bacon.

“I think whether you call them unisex, or metosexual, or what-the-sex”, Elder Cheatum continued, “we can all agree that they are a giving lot of people.” “Our average donation per attendee is increased by at least fifty percent.” “That’s the thing I’m hanging our move on, that and the TV money.”

“In God we trust, all others must pay cash”, joked Elder Wiley, “but I do share that concern.” “If the metosexuals find a new something that’s ‘cool’ will they cast us aside?”

“That’s our leap of faith”, replied Elder Cheatum, “thank God we’ve got Reverend Helena on our side.”

Elder Diggum paused his perusal of the IHOP dessert menu to inquire, “Have you heard back from the Crystal Palace leasing agent?”

“Yeah, we’ve basically come to terms”, Elder Cheatum said, “I’ll put it up for a formal vote tonight.”

“Well?” asked Elder Wiley.

“Well”, answered Elder Cheatum, “it’s a two year lease with option to purchase.” “Lease payments will be deducted from purchase price if we decide to buy.” “The purchase price is locked in to today’s value, and we have right of first refusal.” “That way we won’t have to have a fight in two years if the Baptists decide they want the spot after we’ve built it up.”

“Good, good”, Elder Wiley replied, “what about improvements?”

“Improvements are like they are in any lease”, Elder Cheatum answered, “whatever we improve becomes part of the property.” “Of course, if we purchase, it’s not an issue.”

“Well ninety percent of our improvements will be donated, so it’s probably not a big deal either way”, responded Elder Wiley, “I will want to go over the agreement as soon as possible.”

“That’s why I brought you a copy”, Elder Cheatum said as he slid the lease agreement from his Royce Leather legal size notepad holder. “I figured you could give it the ‘once over’ and have it ready to for the vote tonight.”

“Will do”, replied Elder Wiley, “I’ll check to see if the Mormon lawyers interjected any Utah law into the agreement.”

Elder Diggum nearly dropped his fork as he asked, “They can’t do that can they?”

“No, Barry, I was just kidding”, Elder Wiley replied, “but there’s plenty in Georgia law to watch out for.” Is there anythng else?”

“Yeah”, said Elder Cheatum,”I’ve been thinking about Mulva’s reactions to everything, and I’m thinking she is a lot closer to the pulse of the church than we are.” “She rules the Ladies Auxillary, and without them we’d be in a world of hurt.”

Elder Cheatum breathed a low sigh, “The Ladies Auxillary and the ‘husbands auxillary’ have been keeping our church in the black for a long time.” “I want Mulva one hundred percent committed to what we’re going to do.”

The two other Elders were totaling focused on Elder Cheatum.

“To that end, I’m going to propose to Mulva that we have the congregation vote on our two big issues, multiple services on Sunday, and the move to the Crystal Palace.” “I think if we ’empower’ the congregation, Mulva will feel like nobody had their church yanked away from them.”

“That’s a really good idea”, said Elder Wiley, “if Mulva is committed, that may be the biggest battle of the war.”

“Agreed”, replied Elder Diggum. “Mulva carries more weight with the congregation than the three of us together.”

“Well, she is ‘known by her works'”, replied Elder Cheatum. “I planted the seed for what our projected growth could bring with the free trip to the Holy Land.” “I’m sure we’ll have more opportunities to help Mulva see the importance of spreading our message to as many followers as possible.”

“Barry, if we stay any longer they’re going to start serving lunch”, Elder Cheatum said as he got up, “Are you about done, some of us have work to do.”

“Here Barry, here’s the check”, said Elder Wiley as he rose, “and leave a nice tip.”

The Elders left the parking lot of the purveyor of international cuisine for their daily chores.

Good morning, y’all. I don’t know that the comparisons could be made any stronger. Sane, rational people are making speeches at the Democratic National Convention, people who actually know something about government and the law. Meanwhile, the Donald is asking the Russians to see if they can recover Hillary’s personal emails to see if they contain any dirt. Simultaneously, Melania’s website and bio have been stricken from the internet. Between plagiarizing Michelle Obama’s speech, and overstating her qualifications, Melania has proven herself to be a perfect match for the Donald. Trump Tower, where the truth goes to die.

Speaking of looking for a spot to die brings us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Sunday was a brisk cold day that brought out the faithful in their heavy winter clothes. Since there was not a cloak room in the little church, the congregation were forced to wear their outer clothes during the ceremony, or, place them under their seats. There was no room for personal items on the pews. The pews were jam packed with worshipers, and standing room now was at a premium.

Elder Cheatum decided to stand in the back of the church; his previous experience sitting next to Ted E. Bayer and his Love Fellowship had nearly deafened him. The Elder’s usual seat had been usurped by an Asian couple holding a small baby. The Elder reasoned that it was better for him to stand, than a paying customer. As the Elder looked across the congregation he could see that Reverend Helena’s appeal was cutting across all ethnic lines.The Asian couple were not the only minority in evidence.

Ted E. Bayer and the Love Fellowship were delivering the traditional Christmas carols with a funky overtone. The added spin to the timeless songs seemed to encourage the audience to be in a more cheerful mood. Certainly the appearance of the sanctuary raised everyone’s spirits. The Ladies Auxillary had decorated the church beautifully, using many natural and homemade decorations. A large twelve-foot Christmas tree stood in the place usually occupied by the altar. Elder Cheatum imagined it looked just as beautiful to the home viewers as it did in person.

As the Elder watched the service, he had the sense that the Reverend was particularly “on” this Sunday. It was the “Christmas service”, with Christmas day actually falling on Friday that week. As the Elder listened to the tone of the Reverend’s voice, he realized that Christmas seemed to have a lot of meaning for the Reverend.

The title of Reverend Handbasket’s sermon was, “If He Had Not Come“, and drew from the Bible verse, John 15:22, “If I had not come”. In the scripture, Jesus had asked his followers to imagine the world without his birth, just as Reverend Helena was asking her congregation to do now. Reverend Helena related the healings, the teachings, the examples for living a good life that the world would never have known had it not been for the birth of Christ. By the time she had gotten to the end of the sermon, she was emotionally spent from trying to imagine a world without Jesus.

At the Testament of Faith, it was revealed that not just Reverend Handbasket had special feelings for Christmas. Hugh Morris, who was generally thought to be in a coma during services, was so spirit filled this week that he was moved to leave his pew in the amen section and began to dance in the area reserved for the altar call. Whatever struck Brother Morris’s inner Chi, be it the slap bass of the Love Fellowship, or remembrances of Christmas past, something got him up on his toes.

The senior citizen’s dance took on elements of the Charleston and the Lindy Hop with overtures of the Watusi. Mr. Morris spun like a dervish all the way through all five choruses of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”. He didn’t stop dancing until the last “hallelujah!”, whereupon he dropped in a heap to sit cross legged in front of the Christmas tree. The feeling in the air was absolutely electric. As the people moved forward to answer the altar call, there was an air of uncertainty as to whether or not they too were supposed to display dance moves almost a century old.

As the broadcast crew used their hand held cameras to get a closeup of Hugh, his face was revealed to all of the congregation on the big screens mounted about the church. He seemed to be ok, he was catching his breath, but grinning like he just walked into the girl’s shower by accident. Oddly, there was also somewhat of a beatific look on the face of the Reverend Helen Handbasket.

“What is it about Christmas that reduces people to their child like selves”, wondered Elder Cheatum as he headed back to the office after services. Mulva Lite was separating the cash from the checks from each of the collection plates, and arranging them into neat little piles. She ran totals on each collection plate and then entered them into her spreadsheet. Next she bundled her piles with a bank deposit slip rubber banded to the stack.

“How’s it look”, the Elder asked as he sat down at the table.

“Real good”, the secretary/treasurer replied, “I’m always surprised that people will up their giving at Christmas time, when they have so many personal demands on their money.” “It seems like each Christmas people are starting to think more about others.” “It does my heart good.”

“Mine too”, the Elder said, “How are the collections looking from the Elders in training?”

“They’re consistent”, said Mulva as she placed the stacks in the night deposit bag. “If anybody is skimming anything, it’s nothing too big.” “It would probably be hard to pocket anything with all of these camera people running around during the service.” “You’d never know when you might be caught on live TV.”

“Well, I guess that’s another blessing the TV broadcasts have provided us.” the Elder said as he opened the door to the office so the pair could leave for the day. “I meant to ask, do you have a Reverend Dale update?”

“Just that Bud and I have kept their kids a couple of times for them so they could go out on dates.”, Mulva related, “It looks like Dale has moved in, which has got Bud in a snit, but I told him to calm down and see if they could work it out.”

“Well, you tell Bud we appreciate his charity and that I look forward to seeing his work on the webpage”, Elder Cheatum replied, “remind Bud that he’s building his stores in Heaven.”

“Oh, I do, I do” said Mulva as she got into her car, “but you know how Bud is.”

“Yes, I do”, said Elder Cheatum as he waved goodbye.