Tag: all

Good morning, y’all. Well the world is going nuts, and I’m absolutely sure that electing a nutty president will not be the solution. French officials are saying that their truck assassin must have radicalized “quickly”. Let’s just go ahead and call B.S. on that one and move on the next big story, a semi-coup in Turkey. I have a neutral position on coups, I figure some are good, and some are bad. I do find this attempt amusing since it was a military coup and was so poorly planned. At one point the president’s jet was in the air and the military had two F16’s in the area. Seems like taking out the president should be objective number one of a coup. Maybe not for the Turks.

Speaking of missed objectives brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Elder Cheatum was the last to sit down at the table for the Wednesday morning breakfast meeting at the IHOP in Blairsville.

“Sorry, I had to get a copy of the paper to see if we made the front page or not”, the Elder said as he slid into the booth.

“Well?”, asked Wiley as he refilled his cup from the little pot of coffee left behind by the waitress.

“Nope, not on the front page,” said Elder Cheatum, “Let’s see if we made it to the religion column.” The Elder was quiet for a couple of minutes while he read the religion column of the North Georgia Gazette. “Nope, not a mention, but a pretty good piece”, he said as he passed the paper to Elder Wiley. Elder Wiley folded the paper to his liking and read this week’s offering by Howard Doohan. It read:

This week I’d like to talk about a church that goes by many names. It seems that the Mormon Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, have decided to exclude children of same-sex couples from receiving the church’s blessings. What a bunch of mean spirited wacky doodles is my immediate response.

As always, my thoughts go first to the child. Imagine attending church with your parents, believing whatever dogma that religion churns out with regard to their heavenly standards, and then being told that because your parents don’t measure up, you’re going to be denied heaven. How cruel is that? And what is the child supposed to do, go home and kill their parents so they can receive God’s love? Clearly the Mormon’s homophobia doesn’t go any further than sending a message to the gay community that the gays are not welcome, and to prove it, the Mormons will deny your children any thoughts of Heaven.

Hypocrisy is an easy topic when discussing religion, and I usually like to use the Bible to give an example of where practice varies from preaching. Luke 18:16 says, “But Jesus called them unto him, and said, ‘Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.‘” Now, I know not every Bible scholar knows every verse, and every verse is open to interpretation, apparently, but this one looks pretty clear to me. It’s also not the only time in the Bible that the phrase, “don’t prevent children from seeking my love”, appears. So, to see a policy put in place that directly contradicts the teachings of Jesus, one questions the validity of the religion to make any interpretations.

It’s not like the Mormons are without their other peculiarities. Multiple wives and overloading the welfare roles with children supported by the state are a couple of the traits that have dogged the Mormons for years. While the “official” church has tried to calm the public opinion towards the church in the last few decades, there are still many outliers that give rise to the public questioning whether Mormonism is a religion or a cult.

One of the more famous cases of “extreme Mormonism” is Warren Jeffs. Could anyone ever imagine that a religious leader would be placed on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List?

Warren Jeffs gained worldwide attention in May 2006 when he made the list. He made the Top Ten list for unlawful flight to avoid prosecution in Utah. The charges in Utah related to his taking underage girls and “marrying” them to his favored male followers. He was also charged with incest and sexual conduct with minors. Jeffs was found guilty of sexual assault and aggravated sexual assault of children, some as young as twelve. When an investigation was led into Jeff’s FLDS Church’s YFZ Ranch, it was revealed to be nothing more than a breeding ground for child brides for the elder loyal followers. Young males were routinely forced out of the compound, eliminating competition for the elder males. It is hard to imagine a more sick, perverted situation.

My religious philosophy is a simple one, it has but one dictum, “Do unto others as you would have done to you”. It’s easy to see how if the Mormon church could apply the Golden Rule first, they’d avoid a lot of the other notoriety and controversy. Just saying.

“Well, like I said, better somebody else, than us,” Elder Wiley said as he handed the paper back. “I’m surprised no one has called, or asked a question, or anything, about what happened Sunday.” “It’s like the congregation is just sitting back and watching things play out.” “That’s pretty unusual for our folks.”

“Well, I guess we’ve thrown a lot of changes at them in the last few months,” Elder Cheatum answered, “maybe they’re shell-shocked.”

“Oh, before I forget, Ben Weinberg called to say that Dale is not pursuing his suit for damages anymore.” Elder Wiley related.

“What reason did he give?” Elder Diggum inquired.

“None, but I suspect he’s spent all of the money that Ophelia was willing to advance him.” Elder Wiley he responded. “Maybe the fact that his kids have turned against him has effected his worldview.”

“Yeah, that’d do it”, Elder Cheatum responded, “I’d sure like to know if Dale’s kid came up with the rattle trick on his own, or if Alva put him up to it.” “Let’s be sure to ask Mulva what she knows tonight at the board meeting.” “Women have a way of knowing everything without being obvious about it.”

“Good thought”, said Elder Wiley. “Here Barry, it’s your turn”, he said as he slid the check to his partner.

“Sure, sure, pick on the fat kid, that’s the way you guys do.” Elder Diggum said as he paid the check. The partners walked out of the restaurant into the cold.

“I guess we’ll see how well the heaters in the additions are working tonight”, said Elder Cheatum.

“I reckon”, said Elder Wiley.

“See you later”, called Elder Diggum, and the three went about their daily tasks.

 

Good morning, y’all. Well, good is just a salutation, it is not a good morning. A nut job in Nice, France has killed 84 people with a truck. The mind bongles. It is too sad to comprehend, and yet, everyone must pick themselves up, dust themselves off and start all over again. It will be interesting to see over the next few days if there were warning signs. Should someone have noticed that this guy was so deranged that he might be capable of acting out in such a horrific way?

Speaking of acting out brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Wednesday night’s board meeting brought the disturbing news from Mulva Lite that Reverend Bread and Ophelia Bottoms were making themselves out to be the new “it” couple in Blairsville. The Ladies Auxillary cast a pretty wide net in Blairsville with all of their service missions. There had been so many sightings lately of, “Bread and Bottoms” that even the Ladies Auxillary was having a hard time keeping track.

“It’s a shame we can’t make a cute name like “Bennifer” for the couple, ‘Dalephelia’ just doesn’t have the same feel”, said Elder Diggum, “I guess ‘Bread and Bottoms’ will have to do.”

The Elder’s attempt at humor was met with harsh stares by the rest of the group.

“I don’t find one thing funny about this situation”, said Elder Wiley, “the fact that he has tried to file suit against his wife for damages, and she is living on the mercy of the church and the Lites, just makes my blood boil.” “I think that rattlesnake venom must have effected his brain.” “He’s just not thinking right”, Elder Wiley concluded.

“Well, maybe it’s not his brain that’s doing his thinking for him,” Elder Cheatum said. “Let’s get on with business, I’ve wasted enough of my life on Dale Bread.”

“I’ve found a great gospel group to take over the choir”, Elder Diggum reported. “Ted E. Bayer and His Love Fellowship”. “We can mix and match as many components as we want.” “They’ve even got a horn section if we want.”

“None of which are cheap I imagine”, Elder Cheatum speculated.

“Cheaper than you’d think”, Elder Diggum replied. “I should tell you that they all are ex-cons.”

“What?” was the chorus from the other board members.

“Hold on, hold on”, said Elder Diggum, “none of them has been convicted of a violent crime, and the state of Georgia provides us with a bond to insure us against any mishaps not covered by our own insurance.” “I don’t see how it’s not worth a try.” “Think of the positive publicity”.

“If we get any more positive publicity, we’re going to be setting up rows of speakers in the parking lot like at the drive in movie theaters,” said Elder Wiley. “People will have to sit in their cars to hear the service.”

“Or stay at home and watch it on TV”, said Elder Cheatum as he turned to Elder Diggum, “how much?”

“Two hundred for Ted E. Bayer and three backup singers.” “Three fifty for the singers and four horn players.” Elder Diggum answered.

“Let’s go the two hundred, and if the big screens and the audio system are still here next week, maybe we’ll expand.” Elder Cheatum responded. “Mulva make sure that ‘Old Rusty’ is locked tight after services on Sunday”, the Elder said as he nodded towards the cast iron floor safe in the corner. “No point in tempting disaster.”

“I always do”, Mulva replied as she smiled meekly.

“Is there any other business?” said Elder Cheatum as he rose to leave. There was none.

As the group rode off into the night, each was satisfied that while the church had had its share of adversity lately, the board had not only been equal to the challenges, but had excelled. In spite of the torrential rain falling on the area, the board member’s spirits were bright. The group was feeling very satisfied with themselves.

As Elder Cheatum walked through the sanctuary after Sunday school that Sunday, his heart nearly stopped. Sitting slap dab in the middle of the church was Reverend Bread and former choir director, Ophelia Bottoms. The Elder rushed to his post at the front door trying to not look towards the couple. If he acknowledged their presence, he would have to respond. He had not a clue as to how to respond. The couple had not been banished, if the Pentecostals even had banishment. They certainly weren’t trespassing, and unless they did something outrageous they would be allowed to worship.

Fact was, the couple was more likely to suffer from the ire of the people who normally sat in the prime seats than anything the church officials could do to them. As it turned out, the usual occupants of the seats made room for “Bread and Bottoms”, and even exchanged pleasantries with the couple before the services began. The monsoon like rains had not diminished the attendance any, and soon the couple were surrounded on all sides by eager acolytes.

This week would be the first week that the big screens would be tuned to the telecast from Channel 99 instead of displaying the shots from the overhead camera installed by Elder Diggum. It was felt that the worshipers in the “additions” would gain a better experience from the scenes provided by the professional TV crew as opposed to the fixed camera. The services got off to a roaring start with the full gospel sound of Ted E. Bayer and His Love Fellowship. Ted E. Bayer had brought it all, horns, drums and guitars. The group was providing a deepness and richness of sound only found in the big megachurches.

“They must have over a thousand watts of amplified power behind those instruments”, Elder Cheatum though as he squeezed into his spot. “I don’t know that the rafters of the church were designed to be able to withstand a sonic assault”. “Much less, my ears.” The Elder resolved to mention volume and pricing to Elder Diggum as soon as services were over. 

As things quieted down, the camera panned the crowd searching the faces of the faithful as they waited for the Reverend Helen Handbasket to begin her service. The camera settled on “Bread and Bottoms”, and why not, they were an attractive young couple. Maybe it was the producer’s idea to show the young couple as the typical worshiper. Hard to say.

What happened next is hard to categorize. Was if fate? Divine intervention?  The revenge of a woman scorned? All of the above? As the camera settled on the unsuspecting couple, the little hand of seven year old Devin Bread could be seen rattling his baby brother’s rattle in his daddy’s ear. While most people can easily differentiate the difference between the sound of a baby rattle and a rattle snake, apparently Reverend Bread was still extremely sensitive. His go round with Old Ben must have still been very fresh in his mind.

Reverend Bread jumped from his pew as if shot out of a cannon. He hollered as if stung by a nest of hornets. The former pastor did a couple of confusing steps similar to one afflicted with the St. Vitus dance, and then made a beeline for the door. His paramour, Ophelia Bottoms, was left in his wake with a confused look on her face. His son, Devin, sat back down quietly next to his mama. The full episode was shown live to the world on the Channel 99 broadcast.

The rest of the sermon and service was a blur in time to Elder Cheatum. “We’re going to get creamed in the press,” Elder Cheatum said to himself as he took his place at the front door at the end of services. As the Elder shook hands and patted backs he listened for bits of conversation to see how the crowd was reacting to the episode. Not a word was mentioned.

The Elder looked heavenward as he got in his car to leave for the day. “Thanks big guy”, he said, as he raised his face to the sky, and received a face full of rain.

Good morning, y’all. The news out of California is disturbing on a couple of levels. First off, the police appear to have killed an unarmed teenager for no apparent reason. It seems that the teen had decided that suicide by cop was the way to go, and he was able to find police that were willing to make his wish come true. In an unrelated incident, a robot cop ran over a child at a San Francisco mall. I guess if the police are not going to give in to human reasoning and compassion, robots will work just as well. They just need to be taught to not roll over toddlers.

Speaking of compassion brings us to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Wednesday Night Prayer meeting was more heavily attended than ever before. About half of the worshipers were new to the Elders. As the Elders collected in the office for their weekly board meeting, Elder Cheatum commented, “Wow, where did that crowd come from?”

“I don’t know”, Elder Wiley said, “but if they keep coming, we ought to pass the plate.” “Who knows, we might have opened up another revenue stream.”

“Well you know the old-timers ain’t going to go for that,” said Elder Diggum, “but it is an interesting thought.” “These new comers don’t know what to expect.”

“Yeah, we didn’t do a very good job of informing the public, about anything”, said Elder Cheatum.

“Well, excuse my impertinence, but I think we messed up for sure”, said Mulva as she pushed a box of envelopes towards the middle of the table. “Channel 99 brought these out today, it’s mostly donations”, she said. “There’s some prayer requests, but it’s mostly donations.” “They’re addressed to the “Church Show”, or the “Lady Preacher”, Mulva continued, “It doesn’t seem like we even got our name out there.”

“Yes, we really bungled this one from a marketing point of view”, Elder Cheatum said, “I guess we’re lucky that folks know they can’t receive blessings without a sacrifice on their part,” he said as he separated checks from the envelopes. “Let’s be sure to add these people to our mailing database before you deposit the checks, ok?” The Elder asked looking at Mulva.

“Of course,” Mulva replied.

“It looks like there’s about forty five hundred dollars here”, Elder Cheatum said as he handed the checks to the secretary/treasurer.

“Barry, what were you thinking?” The Elder said as he turned to Elder Diggum. “How could you let the largest opportunity to reach a mass market escape us?”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Elder Diggum said, “we may have missed a little on this go around, but the folks at Channel 99 are telling callers who and where we are.” “Also, Channel 99 wants us to commit to regular telecasts.” “They’d like to broadcast through the end of the year, so, that’s at least eight more telecasts.”

Elder Cheatum raised one eyebrow and said, “Well, that’s different. “You’re forgiven, maybe.”

“I’m guessing we won’t get a cut of the station’s commercial sales, unless we can get our own sponsor.” Elder Wiley said. “Barry, you and I can work on that angle, while Buster explores whatever other revenue streams might be available from our telecasts.

“Sounds good”, said Elder Cheatum, “Anybody have anything else?”

“Well, I feel compelled to mention Alva Bread and her little ones.” Mulva said. “The Ladies Auxillary has been very helpful with fixing meals and babysitting.” ” I was able to take Alva to Walmart today to get some staples and to buy the little ones winter clothes.” “It’s just a shame how ill prepared Reverend Dale has left his family.” “He has not come around, by the way.”

“Well, you and the Ladies Auxillary are saints, and you can tell them I said so, ” Elder Cheatum said.

“Here, here”, replied Elders Wiley and Diggum in unison.

“Is there any further business?” Elder Cheatum asked.

There was none, and the board got up to leave. As the board walked out into the empty sanctuary, Elder Cheatum paused dead center of the church.

“Look around”, he said as he waved his arms about to indicate the expanse. “We have doubled our size in just a few months.” “We have been in this church for one hundred and thirteen years, and until recently, it has served our needs adequately.” “Now we’ve got people from three states coming to share our message.” “I don’t know about you, but I feel something Divine is happening.”

“Praise God”, was uttered by the other three board members.

“Praise God” repeated Elder Cheatum. 

Minutes before the Sunday service began, Jed Dye sought out Elder Cheatum to get his approval for the signoff for the telecast. As the Elder strained to watch the visual on the producer’s iPhone, he could tell that a lot of thought had gone into the production. This week’s telecast would end with a full minute of text over the visual of the Reverend Helen Handbasket handling some of the smaller serpents. The fade to black was an advertising winner. The camera was at a low angle and captured the lights shining through the Reverend Helen Handbasket’s flowing red hair. The shot captured enough of the snakes to be interesting, but not scary. The text message was simple:

“If you have been touched by this service of The Full Gospel Original Church of God, help us continue our outreach to the people in our area by contributing whatever you can afford to:

The Full Gospel Original Church of God

P.O. Box 999

Nunsuch, Ga. 30524 “

“Marketing genius”, thought Elder Cheatum, “ ‘Whatever you can afford’ is so open-ended and yet non-invasive.” “It’s bound to bring big rewards.”

As the opening notes of the gathering hymn pealed through the new audio system, the Elder squeezed into his favorite spot in the last row. As he glanced to the left and the right, he could see that every seat in the “additions” was filled. The auditorium was again packed to the rafters.Looking out over the congregation, he became aware that the jockeying for seats was becoming more serious.

It appeared, that some of the original members of the church were less than pleased with the new found popularity of their church. The older members were placing purses and Bibles next to themselves to provide an extra buffer between themselves and the newcomers. Members of the “amen corner” were finding they were having to arrive earlier to services to claim their “rightful” places in the pew. There had even been the reported rumor that the newcomers were choosing their seats by virtue of their likelihood of being shown on TV.

“Well, I guess every silvery lining has a cloud”, the Elder thought to himself. “I don’t know how to fix this other than to put ‘reserved’ signs on the pews”, he thought, “and I don’t want to do that.” “I don’t want to have the newcomers to have any reason to continue their search for religious fulfillment at another church.”

Reverend Helena Handbasket was graced in beige robes this Sunday that were very favorable to her coloring. The Reverend was still bouncing back and forth between the pulpit and the choir as she led the choir in every hymn. Elder Cheatum could sense that the interruptions were breaking the Reverend’s flow, and he resolved to look into the hiring of a replacement choir director. The bouncing back and forth also made it hard for the camera crew to keep up with her movements. After all, she was the show, and the camera needed to be on her every second.

The Elder was continuing his cogitations on seating arrangements as he passed the collection plate from row to row. No easy solution jumped out at him. Finally he resolved that it would just have to be first come first served, even if some of the older members felt slighted. “If it bugs them enough, they’ll get up earlier”, the Elder reasoned.

The balance of the service went like a well oiled clock. Elder Cheatum noticed that the people that remained seated during the altar call were still swaying to the music as if they were up front taking part themselves. Reverend Handbasket had a powerful hold over her audience.

“Now, how do we maintain our hold on her?” Thought Elder Cheatum as he took his spot at the front door at the end of the service.

 

Good morning, y’all. Well, I haven’t complained about the heat in a while, please allow me to do so. It’s HOT!!!! Popup thunderstorms just seem to create a sauna like effect to further punish our frail bodies. It’s easy to see how the cradle of civilization was in Africa, and then everybody moved to colder climates. Using my reasoning, the Scandinavian countries should be leading the world in education and quality of life. I bet there’s some mighty smart Eskimos, too.

Speaking of hot temperatures bring us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Elders were seated at their new favorite table at the IHOP for their Wednesday morning meeting. Elder Diggum was trying to decide whether to get the mixed fruit bowl, or another stack of pancakes for dessert. He had already devoured his steak and eggs and felt like he needed something to satisfy his sweet tooth.

“Jed called me last night and said the phone has been ringing off the hook at Channel 99.” Elder Diggum said as he buttered a biscuit.  “Folks are asking if it’s real, and if it is, how can they get to the church.” “He says they’re thinking about making it an option on their phone menu until the interest dies down.”

“Good, good”, said Elder Wiley, “I watched the DVR when I got home.” “It wasn’t like being there, nothing could match that experience, but I imagine for a shut-in that the show would be pretty compelling.” “The camera crew did an excellent job of capturing everything.”

“Yeah, I thought so too, said Elder Cheatum as he handed that week’s copy of the North Georgia Gazette to Elder Wiley. “Our celestial reporter has decided that comedy isn’t his strong suit, or his editor has decided for him.” “He’s got an interesting take on things this week.”

The weekly column by Howard Doohan read:

This week I’d like to talk about what comes after death. Man has been wondering about what comes next since before he was able to put one stone on top of another one. In my brief survey, it seems that each religion approaches the afterlife differently.

Is belief in the afterlife a binary decision? Think about the consequences of there not being an afterlife. If folks didn’t believe in Heaven and Hell would they behave? If you view, Heaven and Hell as the carrot and the stick, would we donkeys continue on the right path without the proper motivation?

From what I read, Jewish folks are devoid of the concept of life everlasting. They reject the notion of walking the streets of gold, or being cast into the fiery pit. For our Jewish brothers and sisters it’s about the journey, not the destination. I like this system for its simplicity. Live a moral life and the afterlife will take care of itself. Sounds good to me.

A slightly more complicated view of afterlife is the concept of reincarnation as espoused by the Buddhists and Hindus. You get to keep coming back until you get it right, at which point you join with the “universal consciousness”, which I guess is their God. In reincarnation, life on Earth is Hell, which you keep repeating until you attain the required spirituality to attain Heaven. In my opinion, this is a decent enough concept, except that part of the repetition process is that you are reborn into the same family group each time. You keep being reborn with these same people until you get all of your issues resolved. People with “Daddy issues” might make a hundred rebirth trips to attain nirvana.

There are some religions, like the Catholics, that believe in a middle state between Heaven and Hell called Purgatory. Purgatory is a nice catch all for the question of what happens to children that die before they’re saved, or adults who don’t receive the last rites. It gives hope to the faithful that even if they die without being in a state of grace, there’s still hope for a heavenly reward. The Baptists refer to Purgatory as “Hell’s Waiting Room”. The Baptists are pretty adamant about attaining grace before dying. It is my observation that the Baptists don’t want any souls wandering around without a final destination.

One group that believes in souls or spirits in transition are the Spiritualists. Many years ago, my Mom and I happened into a Spiritualist church while traveling down in the Orlando, Florida area. It seems that Central Florida is a hotbed for mediums and circus performers. Anyway, Mom was still struggling with the loss of her mother, and was impressed by how the Spiritualists handle what many denominations would call the “altar call”. Spiritualist leaders give “readings” for the people in the congregation that raise their hands.

Mom was so impressed that we setup an appointment with a private medium who was highly recommended by the folks at the church. Ever the skeptic, I inquired of the medium how the process worked. She told me that when she went into a trance, her “spirit guide” would take over and handle the contact to Mom’s mom for us. I asked about the “spirit guide” and was told that it was a Cherokee Indian named Blue Flower that had passed in an untimely death. By the way, Native Americans are the de facto standard for spirit guides.

Well, the medium closes her eyes and the next thing you know the medium is speaking in a slightly different voice, identifying herself as Blue Flower. At this point I say, “Otahitsu” to Blue Flower and wait for a response. “Otahitsu” is “how are you?” in Cherokee, which I just happen to know because of my great great grandma Doohan. The normal response is “Hawa”, but Blue Flower only wants to know who we want to contact.

Probing questions from the medium get Mom to reveal enough information for the medium to give a “reading” and twenty minutes later we were done. A forty dollar “donation” was left in the basket as mediums can not charge for their “gift”, lest they run the risk of losing said “gift”. I’m sure taking remuneration as “gifts” is a lot easier than filing for a 501c deduction for tax purposes.

For some strange reason, Mom felt better. Maybe forty dollars was a bargain for Mom’s piece of mind. Meantime, I’m wondering if mediums go to Purgatory.

“Well, I don’t know that he’s totally turned his back on comedy yet, but I’d rather him make fun of the Spiritualists than the Pentecostals,” said Elder Wiley as he handed the paper back to Elder Cheatum.

“Yeah, I didn’t know that bit about the Jews, no heaven, no hell?”, Elder Cheatum said as he picked up the check. “How on Earth are you going to get kids to behave if there’s no rewards, no consequences?”

The Elders nodded goodbye as they got in their cars and headed off to carry out their normal functions. In just eight hours they would be gathered again doing church business.

 

 

Good morning, y’all. With all of the mean despicable things being said on the campaign trail, all of the mean allegations back and forth in the recent shootings, and all of the acrimony caused by Brexit, I’d like to take today’s discussion to a higher level. The act of legalizing recreational marijuana is underway in California. Currently, California’s medical marijuana industry is worth about $2.7 billion dollars. Estimates are that the revenue will double when and if recreational use is permitted. I guess you could say the stakes couldn’t get any higher.

Speaking of raising the stakes brings us to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The meeting with the producer from Channel 99 in Blairsville went swimmingly. As handshakes went all around the table at the Saw Mill Place, discussions about people in common filled the air. Truth was, there were very few families that the partners Wiley, Diggum and Cheatum hadn’t encountered in the area. The producer, Jebediah Dye was from an old family that was well known to the trio of Elders. The Elders had handled the funeral arrangements for three or four of Jed’s kinfolk.

Satisfied that the young producer meant no malice, and that the telecast would be handled with the utmost of respect and dignity, the Elders agreed to allow the TV station the access to the auditorium necessary to produce the television show. On Saturday the church was a beehive of activity as the workers were completing the attachment of the new “wing” to the church, and the TV crew was positioning it’s equipment for optimum coverage. Reverend Helena Handbasket was requested to come over to the church from the rectory to do a sound check. The new microphones and audio equipment pushed the Reverend’s voice into every nook and cranny of the church with perfect clarity.

“I guess I’m going to need to be really careful about keeping my thoughts to myself now”, the Reverend said as she heard the sound of her voice rebounding from the speakers. The sound engineer laughed and told the Reverend, “it wouldn’t seem so bad once the church was filled with crying babies and coughing old timers.” The Reverend responded that she “hoped not”, and then headed back to the rectory to prepared for the biggest day of her life. By six o’clock that evening, the stage was literally set.

Elder Cheatum arrived at The Full Gospel Original Church of God that Sunday morning about 9AM. He had not missed Sunday School for as long he could remember. He always appreciated the close fellowship of the Sunday School class before the full scale worship service in the main sanctuary. When he entered the sanctuary at 10:15, the camera crews were already in place. In fact, a large number of people were already in place. The pews of the main sanctuary were almost completely filled and the trailer additions were filling up. As he walked to the front door of the church to greet the later arrivals, the Elder noticed that some of the traditional seating arrangements had been usurped by new worshipers. “This is going to be a problem”, he thought and made a mental note to bring it up at the next board meeting, if someone else hadn’t forced the issue before then.

At the first notes of the gathering hymn, the Elder went inside the church and wedged his body into his favorite seat in the last row. His mental note to discuss seating was reinforced by the discomfort of sitting tightly next to someone he had never seen before. Fortunately, the Elder’s mind was distracted from his physical discomfort when the Reverend Helena Handbasket appeared on the stage. She was wearing long flowing, kelly green robes. The lights added to the sanctuary to improve the quality of the picture being telecast over the airwaves had the additional benefit of creating a halo like effect to the Reverend’s hair. The lights playing off of the Reverend’s hair and shiny robes gave the Reverend a very positive aura.

Elder Cheatum had no idea how things looked in TV land, but the audience in the sanctuary were awestruck. A quick glance to the trailer additions confirmed that the followers there were not suffering because of a lack of direct line of sight. The audio was perfect. Even if the follower was watching a big screen TV to get the best view of the Reverend, her voice was being carried with perfect amplification. Even the choir sounded better. Bubba Hawker seemed to be singing in a new harmony that gave the choir a richer, fuller sound.

From where Elder Cheatum sat, it was a concert-like experience worthy of some of the mega-churches in Atlanta. “I hope Jed Dye is getting what he wanted from this, because it’s certainly more than I could have hoped for,” the Elder thought to himself. The Elder was yanked from his revelry of how far the little church had come by the collection call. He moved to the front of the church with the other Elders, plate in hand. In addition to his two old friends, two deacons had been “ordained” as “Elders in training”, and were handling the collections in the additions. The “Elders in training” collections would be monitored separately for a few months until the Elders were comfortable that all of the offerings were making their way back to the church office. It was sad to contemplate, but churches were not immune to thievery.

As he squeezed back into his seat, Elder Cheatum watched the camera crew pick up hand held cameras anticipating the Testament of Faith and altar call. They worked closer than Elder Cheatum would have preferred, but, they too may have been caught up in the spell that Reverend Helena was casting. She was flawless. Her glossolalia was like the voices of angels. The snakes seemed hypnotized by the sound of her voice and her soft touch. As she placed the last serpent in the box, the choir began to sing “Love Lifted Me”, and the aisles began to fill with people touched by the service. Elder Cheatum moved to his position at the front door to wish the exiting worshipers well on their way. He would have preferred to stay inside of the sanctuary to see what happened next, but duty called. Someone else would give “the lost souls count” at Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting.

The Elder was buoyed by the entire service. “So, this is what ‘spirit filled’ means” , he thought.

Good morning, y’all. There’s a lot of disturbing stuff in the news today. I’m still mulling over the concept of the Dallas police sending in a robot bomb to kill the Dallas assassin. Intellectually, I know that dead by SWAT is the same as dead by robot bomb, it just feels less sporting, or something. Of course, I always question why time limits get put on these things. If the perpetrator is pinned down, and you know he’s not going anywhere, wait until he goes to sleep. I guess waiting makes the police look like they’re not in charge or something. Hard to say.

While we’re speaking of time limits, it brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The board meeting after Wednesday Night Preayer meeting found the members tussling with a couple of issues. First, the second trailer was being adjoined to the left side of the little church. To keep on schedule for this Sunday’s service, the crews were working late into the night. The board members were having to raise their voices over the occasional rip of a table saw to be heard.

Mulva Lite began the meeting with the accounting reports, which were outstanding. The collection indicated either that the new crowd attracted to the little church didn’t understand the concept behind tithing, or their income was way higher than the average follower. Either way, the little church was flush with cash. Even after paying for all of the associated costs of the expansion, in cash, the church was still roughly doubling the previous year’s income.

The only disturbing financial negative was the resettlement of the Bread brood to the trailer park at TackyToo. Mulva had donated the use of a trailer to Alva Bread and her family for as long as it took for them to get back on their feet. Mulva’s husband, Bud, was none too happy about the arrangement. Bud’s “last button had been pushed”, when the Bread children had stomped Bud’s prize Irises into oblivion.

Mulva had enlisted the Ladies Auxillary to provide at least one hot meal a day for the family, it was the Christian thing to do; but Mulva was concerned about the rest of their needs. It had been confirmed that Reverend Bread was living in town with Ophelia Bottoms, and that neither seemed to have found employment. A motion was made and passed to appoint Mulva as “secret guardian” of the Bread family until such time as the family was able to get back on their feet. Mulva could draw as much as one thousand dollars a month to provide for the shelter and other needs of the Bread family. Though it went without saying, Elder Wiley felt compelled to remind Mulva that under no circumstances was Dale Bread to receive any benefit from the fund. Mulva agreed, and reported that no one had seen hide nor hair of their former pastor since the family moved into the park.

Satisfied that they had handled the “Bread” issue, the group moved on to more positive topics. Barring any unforeseen acts of God, the second “addition” would be ready for occupation on Sunday. Elder Diggum would be tasked to setup the audio visual in the second trailer to provide as good an ecclesiastical experience as possible.

At this point, Elder Diggum jumped in with some rather exciting news. The “geek” that had setup the new audio visual had attended services on Sunday to make sure that everything was operating smoothly. The “geek” was so impressed with the service that he had pitched the idea of broadcasting the service to his bosses at the public TV station, Channel 99 in Blairsville. Elder Diggum had been contacted by the producer at Channel 99 on his way to prayer meeting that very evening. The producer wanted to setup a meeting to see if the church would be interested in allowing their services to be broadcast.

“It might be a one time thing”, “It might be part of a special documentary about churches in the area”, “It might be a rotational thing between us and other churches taking turns each week”, Elder Diggum said. “It’s all very ‘conceptual’ right now.”

The other board members looked at each other closely. Widespread exposure had always been a very bad thing for the little church.

“When does this fellow want to meet?” asked Elder Wiley.

“As soon as possible”, replied Elder Diggum. “He says they could be ready for this Sunday with a day’s notice.” “So we’d have to let him know by Saturday”.

“Ok, so let’s plan on meeting him Friday for lunch,” Elder Wiley said. “It will give us some time to pray on it, and to check them out.”

Everyone looked at Elder Cheatum for a response. Elder Cheatum scribbled a bit on his copy of that weeks’ Profit and Loss statement before answering. “It can’t hurt to meet,” he said. “And for some strange reason, I’m feeling like it might be a positive thing.” “We’ve got cars from all over North Georgia and East Tennessee in the parking lot every Sunday.” “The word of mouth about what we’ve got going here is spreading our message like wildfire.” “Can you imagine the exposure we could get from a TV broadcast, even if it’s just a public access channel?”

“We are talking about a double edged sword here,” Elder Wiley responded. “For every person drawn to us, there’s probably ten that are repelled by us.” “Some of those that are repelled are going to be powerful people who will seek to shut us down.” “None of us wants to go back to the dark days.”

A look of apprehension passed between the board members as they remembered the dark time when practicing their faith was a capital crime.

“No, we don’t”, Elder Cheatum said. “But there is something very different about Reverend Helena.” “Maybe it’s something as simple as the fact that she is a woman.” “Maybe it’s something much, much more”, he continued, “I don’t know; but I know that whatever it is that is happening in our church, people are telling their friends and their relatives.”

Elder Cheatum continued, “This ‘geek’ told his bosses, and now his bosses are interested.” “I say we setup the meeting and decide after we meet with the guy.” “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” “Now let’s all get the heck out of here before we all go deaf”, the Elder said as he gathered his papers and headed for the door.

The sounds of the table saws were going full pitch as the board walked through the sanctuary on their way to the parking lot. The trailer was being matched to the side of the building while being leveled on the outside. It was dangerous work in the dark, and Elder Cheatum said a silent prayer that the work would be completed without incident. The Elder wanted the meeting with the TV station to be about the positives of the church, not the death of a worker.

“Ok, Friday for lunch, Barry you pick the time and place,” Elder Cheatum said as they reached their cars. “Mulva, you can come if you like.”

“Why, thank you”, said Mulva somewhat flustered at being included. “I’ll try to be there if I can,” she said as she got into her car. The board members headed off into the night to their respective homes, anxious that their little church was about to become famous and what it might mean.

Good morning, y’all. “Something is happening here, what it is ain’t exactly clear”; what prophetic words. Demonstrations are being held all over the country protesting the latest police killings of innocents. One of the innocents was found to have been stopped fifty-two times over the last few years. Never convicted of anything harsher than assorted parking/driving offenses. It appears that the infraction that led to his ultimate execution was driving while black. If the police are this afraid of the population, they ought not to be issued guns. Think Barney Fife.

Speaking of assorted infractions bring us back around to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Sunday’s service was a combination of new, and old, and weird. Worshipers witnessing the new “addition” didn’t know what to make of the trailer that had metastasized itself onto the side of the church. Late arrivals were happy to have a seat, though. It was ugly, and the word was circulated that it was only temporary until a more permanent solution could be derived.

It was true that the seats in the trailer didn’t have quite as good a viewing angle on the services as actually being in the sanctuary. The big screen TV mounted at the front of the trailer and expanded sound system should pay big dividends. The Elders were concerned that seating could be a potential conflict between new worshipers and the older members of the church. Certain seating arrangements had been in place for decades in the little church. The Elders hoped that they could avoid any back biting or infighting for the “good seats”, by the addition of the audio-visual component to the new trailer and sanctuary.

The Reverend Helena Handbasket was now flanked at the altar by two big screen TVs with a Boise PA system. Now, even the folks in the back row of the church or the trailer, were able to watch the Reverend Helena Handbasket perform her magic in full HD.

“The comparisons to Carrie’s mom from the movie “Carrie” will probably be even more plentiful now that the faithful will see the whole show in digitized glory”, thought Elder Cheatum from his vantage point in the last row. As the Elder did a quick head count on the attendance, he mused to himself, “Barry went a little crazy at the electronics store, but from the looks of things, we’ll pay the whole bill from collections today.” 

As the Elders started the collection plate for the service, they also passed the prayer basket right behind. The prayer basket was a tradition dating back to Hiram Walker. It was the way that the parishioners could put in the name of a family member or loved one that was needing special attention from the Lord. The prayer baskets were brought to the altar after the collection and the Reverend Helena Handbasket would pull out a name or two and offer up prayers to the congregation on that person’s behalf. It was a widely held belief, almost a sign, actually, that if the Reverend didn’t pick your name, that, that person was already healing and didn’t need special prayers. The requests that were not picked out by the Reverend would be reviewed by the Women’s Auxiliary after services. Each request would receive attention, if not that day, at Wednesday Night Prayer meeting.

On this Sunday, the deep roots of Georgia football were in evidence in the prayer baskets. Georgia’s star running, Mick Chub, had been seriously hurt the day before. The prayer basket was filled with requests for prayers for Mick Chub. According to Reverend Handbasket’s retelling of the episode after services, she was shocked when the first name she pulled out was “Chubbie”. The Reverend thought that she was being pranked, and she had a good idea of who the perpetrator of the prank was. Everyone in the congregation had seen the Reverend as she turned and looked directly at Hugh Morris and said, “the prayer basket is not to be used for prayers for yourself”. When the second name the Reverend pulled out was “Mick Chub”, the Reverend’s face turned as red as her hair. The new HD TV’s showed the transformation of color in the Reverend’s face with exceptional clarity. The Reverend offered up an impassioned request for Mr. Chub’s quick healing. She also took the time to pull another half dozen names from the basket and offered entreaties to the Lord on their behalf.

The Elders were having a good laugh at the Reverend’s expense at their Wednesday morning breakfast.

“I can certainly see how she thought it was Hugh Morris asking for special assistance”, Elder Wiley said. “That old goat makes his attentions known to every good looking female under the age of thirty,” Elder Wiley continued, “and some not so good looking.”

“It was funny watching her blush,” said Elder Diggum as he dug into his steak and eggs. “And did you notice how good the reds were on those big screens?” “I think I got a really good deal, and I think that geek I hired was outstanding.” “Did I tell you he also works at Channel 99 doing camera work and stuff?”

“Only about eight times,” Elder Cheatum said, “You did good Barry, now give us some peace about it.”

“The young scholar seems off his message a bit this week”, he said as he handed that week’s copy of the North Georgia Gazette to Elder Wiley. Elder Wiley looked at the religion column as written by the young intern Howard Doohan. It read:

The holy pontiff is making a tour of the United States right now. I happen to have been deeply touched by the pontiff last night when I tuned into my favorite news show, the NBC Nightly News, no longer with Brian Williams. The new anchor, Lester Holt, does a fine job, but he is not the seasoned veteran Brian Williams is. I was bursting with anticipation to hear about the top news story of the day, a genetically engineered cross over of a farm animal and a transportation device. I believe they called it a “duckboat”. The lead story was that a “duckboat”  had run amok in Seattle with deaths and injuries and other assorted of mayhem.

But, before we could get to the lead story, the viewers had to watch the pope ride another genetically altered vehicle, called the popemobile, about a quarter of a mile to church. In deference to his advanced years, I’m going to cut the pope a lot of slack here. The pope is 78, and walking a quarter of a mile is probably too much for a man in his stage of life. I also understand that there were millions of folks in New York City that wanted to get a glimpse of his popeness as he passed by.

For occasions such as these, the pope’s entourage carry a Jeep that looks like it was designed by the folks at Tupperware. The popemobile has a snap down lid on it so the pope can be seen by everyone, but he is still behind bulletproof glass. For the longer stretches of this tour, the pope is tooling around in a micro Fiat, very consistent with his ecological message. The Jeep popemobile has got to get about 12 miles to the gallon. I guess it’s good they only use it for a quarter of a mile at a time.

Anyway, the pope finally arrives at this monster of a church that I forget has had how many hundreds of millions of dollars spent on it. The pope pops out of the popemobile and, like Edwin Edwards at a crawfish festival, starts shaking hands and kissing babies with everyone in sight.

The clock was  approaching the 7 o’clock hour, and the folks at NBC didn’t seem to be remotely motivated to move from the scene at the church. All of NBC’s viewership waited as the pope made the long slow walk down the aisle of this monster church. Finally, his popeness reached the altar of the church and began taking deep breaths in anticipation of delivering a long sermon.

At 7 o’clock, Lester and his friends had to say goodbye and relinquish their time to “Wheel of Fortune”. I was aghast. I had waited patiently for one half hour to receive information about what had set this “duckboat” off on its killing spree.

What if “duckboats” were rapidly reproducing and the streets of Blairsville were about to be overrun with genetically engineered, mentally fragile, hybrids? How was the general public supposed to respond to the threat based off of the scant information received from NBC News?

Visiting the monster church was not the only stop on the pope’s tour. The pope also visited the 9/11 memorial and gave a stirring speech to Congress. My guess is there were less deaf ears at the 9/11 memorial than in the Congress.

I realize I’ve made a feeble attempt at humor about the visitation of the leader of one of the largest religions on the planet. In his defense, he seems to be a good one, which is an exception in his position. I just marvel at the power of a man who had the ability to completely disrupt all of the media in this country, but can’t stop his priests from abusing children. This powerful man would have us believe that he is powerless to allow women control over their bodies, or allow women to advance to leadership positions in the church.

I’m out of space, but not things to say. Until next time. 

“Well, looks like he’s decided to become the humor columnist”, said Elder Wiley has he handed the paper back to Elder Cheatum.

“Works for me”, said ELder Cheatum. “I’m happy for him to shine his light on anybody but us.”

“Amen”, replied Elder Diggum.

The three friends walked out into the parking lot together.

“How are we coming with that second trailer”, asked Elder Cheatum.

“I’m going there right now to check,” Elder Wiley responded. “Barry you might need to make another run to the electronics store this week.”

“Fine, just let me know”, said Elder Diggum as he got into his car. The three friends parted until they would meet again at prayer meeting.

 

 

Good morning, y’all. We all wait with baited breath while The Donald picks a VP candidate that won’t show him up for being the fool that he is. It’s a small list, as one could imagine. Unfortunately, Justice Ginsburg has shined her light on The Donald and drawn criticism for it. Like we didn’t know what Scalia thought of President Obama. Of course that’s different, racism is acceptable to the right wing, reason is not.

Speaking of reason brings us back to the retelling of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Sunday’s service was not only packed to the gills, it was packed beyond description. Standing room only included the porch of the church with the late arrivals peeking through the doors to get a glimpse of Reverend Helena Handbasket. She did not disappoint.

The Reverend was wearing pure white robes that made her hair look like the flame on top of a candle. Her voice was never more pure as she led the choir through their program. In the absence of Ophelia Bottoms, Reverend Handbasket jumped back and forth between the choir and the pulpit. The Reverend was conducting every aspect of the service. When the Testament of Faith and altar call were made, the aisles filled rapidly with people pressing forward towards the Reverend.

Whether the initiates were feeling the call to Jesus, or just the need for more breathing room was not knowable. Elder Cheatum watched from his spot at the back of the church and felt a pang of guilt. The head counts from week to week were indicating that this day would come if the Reverend’s popularity continued. It was just hoped that they had more time. Clearly they had run out of time. In addition to fire safety issues, there was also the possibility that there were people being pushed a lot closer to venomous snakes than they intended. Before the benediction, Elder Cheatum went to his place at the front door and texted his partner Alvin Wiley. “Get those trailers here ASAP, cost is not an object,” the text read.

As the crowds left the church, the word “magical” was heard over and over. Occasionally there was a reference to “spirit filled”, but for the most part the description was “magical”. Elder Cheatum didn’t know what to make of that turn of events. This was not Siegfried and Roy. While he appreciated the large crowds, he did not want his church to become a carnival attraction. The Elder resolved to do what he could to make sure the message was delivered in the right context, and decided to discuss the matter with Reverend Handbasket that day.

Unfortunately, the Reverend escaped before the Elder could approach her. Reverend Helena was headed back to her home in Ellijay to gather her belongings. The Reverend would be moving into the rectory at the end of the week and was taking the week off to make the move. It was perceived that the eviction of the Bread’s from the rectory would be easier on everyone if Reverend Handbasket was not in sight. Alva Bread had already proven herself to be a vengeful woman. The Elders could not speculate how Alva Bread would react to Reverend Handbasket trying to move in as she was moving out.

The first trailer arrived Monday morning. The Elders were able to outfit the single wide trailer to the side of the main building with a lot of help from a lot of volunteers. All concerned agreed that it was an abomination, but they had to do something to make room for the overflow crowds. The new setup required some specialized carpentry, but they were able to get the job done in six days.

Being able to wrap up the work in time for the Sunday service was perceived by all as a good omen. The trailer added seating for about a hundred more worshipers, and an oddly placed bathroom. The Elders did a walk around of the new space on Saturday about lunch time.

“We needed that extra bathroom indoors,” said Elder Diggum as he returned from his inspection of the new plumbing addition. “I’m just concerned that the proximity of the trailer bathroom to the auditorium might create some odd moments.”

“Hopefully, the crowd will be so enthused from start to finish that the sound of people praising the Lord will drown out any inappropriate noises”, said Elder Wiley. “I think they did a right fine job of getting everything to match up.”  “What do you think, Buster?” he said as he turned to Elder Cheatum.

“I think there’s no amount of lipstick that can be thrown on this pig to make it look presentable, but we don’t have a better option right now”, Elder Cheatum said as he banged his palm against the external wall of the trailer checking for structural integrity. “What’d we pay for this thing?” He asked.

“Three grand for the trailer, five hundred for the haul, everything else was donated.” Elder Wiley responded.

“Ok, here’s what I want you to do” Elder Cheatum said to Elder Diggum. “I want you to go buy the biggest, cheapest big screen TV you can find and a good digital camera.” “Then we’re going to install the camera in the ceiling about mid way back in the auditorium.”

Elder Cheatum pointed at the wall separating the new seating area and the bathroom. “Mount the TV on that wall so the folks sitting in the trailer will have a good view of the show at all times.” “If you need to hire a geek to make it work, do it, you have my blessing.”

“Amen to the geek”, Elder Diggum said. “You all want to do lunch first?”

“No, I need to do some errands and make some calls,” said Elder Cheatum. “The Bread brood has ended up at Mulva’s trailer park and I understand it’s causing some discord.” “I thought I would check in with the Breads, and the Lites, and see if I can smooth the troubled waters.”

“I’ll come with”, Elder Wiley said to Elder Diggum. “I hate to miss an opportunity to look at the latest gadgets.”

“Looks like Reverend Helena is getting moved in ok”, Elder Diggum said as they walked to their cars.

“Yeah, I wonder who that ol’ boy is that’s helping her with the boxes”, said Elder Cheatum as he nodded towards the Uhaul truck and the six foot four Adonis carrying a five drawer dresser into the house by himself.

“I don’t know, but I’d like to know if he’s got any eligibility left.”, responded Elder Wiley. “Georgia’s needing tight ends this year.”

“I think I’ll go ask”, said Elder Cheatum, “We don’t need anymore surprises this year.”

Elder Cheatum was surprised to find that Reverend Handbasket’s helper was her twin brother. And, “no”, he didn’t have any eligibility left.

Elder Cheatum was more than just a little amused to find himself grinning as he drove towards the TackyToo Trailer Park. Tomorrow was shaping up to be an absolutely blessed day. What could go wrong?

Good morning, y’all. As the scrutiny is drawn from the police shooting innocents in Baton Rouge and Minneapolis, to the fallen officers in Dallas, demonstrations are popping up all over the country. The demonstrators are reminding the media that the reason the Dallas shooter gave for shooting the officers was retaliation for the systematic abuse of blacks at the hands of the police nationwide. Once the Dallas shootings are put behind us, perhaps someone, somewhere, will dive neck deep into the issue and come up with a plan that keeps us all safe.

Speaking of keeping us safe brings us back to the retelling of the Full Gospel Original Church of God. Shortly after the firing of the choir director, Ophelia Bottoms, the skies opened up and deluged the area with rain. The rain fell non-stop in Nunsuch like the floods in the Bible. From Thursday through Sunday service, the rain fell like it would never stop. There was so much water that Reverend Handbasket was asked to mention in her prayers that the area needed a little relief. In her benediction, Reverend Handbasket entreated the Lord to open Heaven for souls, but not to let any more rain pass through.

In point of fact, Reverend Handbasket asked the parishioners to stay back after service to offer up special prayers to the Lord. The Reverend quoted Matthew 18:20,“For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst“, as the rationale to call group attention to the problem. Over forty people stayed behind to offer a special entreaty to the Lord for relief from the floods.

As Elder Cheatum watched from his vantage point in the last row he reflected on the influence the new minister was having on the congregation. To have this many people stay behind and miss part of their NFL experience was amazing. Admittedly, it was for a good cause, the area was flooded, but still, this turnout was a powerful statement of the Reverend’s popularity.

“It seems that the Reverend Handbasket has found a real home at our little church,” Elder Cheatum thought to himself. “The church has been packed to the rafters at every service since she took over, and salvation is at an all time high.” “If the tithing continues to match the attendance, then it won’t be long before our little church will be looking to expand.” 

The Elder brought up expansion at the Wednesday morning breakfast at IHOP. As he watched Elder Diggum dig into his Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity Pancakes with steak breakfast on the side, the Elder began; “We need to start talking about expansion.” “We’ve got standing room only now and I think we’re turning people away.” “Ideas?”

“Well, this is going to sound crazy, but I can get my hands on a couple of FEMA trailers for next to nothing,” Elder Wiley said. “I think we could open the side of the trailer, and match it up to the side of the church.” “We’d put folding chairs in the main part of the trailer and put in a big screen TV for the folks to watch.”  “That’s what those mega-churches do in Atlanta.” “They just add seating room for the congregation to watch the service on TV”.

Elder Diggum stopped his fork mid-swing; and, with a full mouth of food interjected, “My God, are you kidding?” “People are coming all the way from South Georgia, West Tennessee, all over, and we’re going to invite them in to watch the service on TV?” “I never in my wildest nightmares thought I’d see this day.”

“It’s a temporary fix, Barry”, Elder Wiley said. “It’ll cost next to nothing to implement, and we’ll gain sanctuary size and probably a couple of bathrooms.” “That can’t be bad.”

“Think temporary, Barry,” Elder Cheatum said. “I think it could work, and if we can implement the plan as cheap as Alvin says, I say go for it.” “Alvin, why don’t you start a plan in motion, and get two of them while you’re at it.” “We need to ride this pony for as long as we can.”

“While I’ve got the floor”, Elder Cheatum continued, “We need to talk about our star’s remuneration.” “Right now she’s getting paid about 70% of what we paid Dale.” “Now, admittedly, Dale came with a lot of mouths to feed, but his value to the church’s earning power had peaked.” “We don’t know where the ceiling is with Reverend Helena.” “I’ll be able to give some better numbers tonight, or Mulva will, at our board meeting.” “But, I think Reverend Helena has been doubling Dale’s best Sunday ever on a consistent basis.” “Part of it is more butts in the seats, but it’s also the fact that each individual is giving more.”

“We’ll talk some more tonight”, Elder Cheatum said as he reached for the check. “Barry, it’s your turn, here you go.”

“My turn, how do you get that it’s my turn?” Elder Diggum asked as he took the check, “I paid last time.”

“Any time you eat three times as much as me and Alvin put together, it’s your turn.” Elder Cheatum replied as he walked past the cashier and out the door. The three friends reconvened in the parking lot before heading off on their appointed rounds.

The board meeting after Wednesday Night Prayer service was very low key compared to the previous meetings. Mulva Lite related that Reverend Helena Handbasket had indeed been doubling Reverend Dale’s collections. There was so much money in the reserve fund now that the church could invest their interest earnings in a variety of projects without putting a dent in the principle. A mission to Central America was dear to Mulva’s heart. Failing that, an outreach program to the local Hispanic community was another idea put forward by the secretary/treasurer.

“Good ideas, good ideas”, said Elder Cheatum. “Let’s discuss them again after we get this sanctuary project off the ground, ok?” Everyone nodded their head in agreement.

“You’re looking awful flush tonight”, Elder Diggum said to Elder Cheatum, “You having a stroke or something?”

“No, no, thanks for the concern”, Elder Cheatum replied, “I did a little field work today.”

“Field work, what kind of field work?” Elder Wiley inquired.

“Well, I’ve kind of been missing Old Ben, so I thought I’d look to see if I could find him, or one of his cousins.” Elder Cheatum replied. “I know we can wait until the rattlesnake roundup in Folkston to get a replacement.” “We’d also save the little feller from being barbecued, but I thought I’d just do a little walkabout for myself.”

“Well as long as you don’t go all wonkey like Steve Irwin.” Elder Wiley replied.

“Steve Irvin?” asked Mulva.

“Yeah, you know, that Aussie smart aleck that plays with dangerous animals so he can make it look easy for a kid to do,” Elder Wiley replied. “Used to play, I should say”.

Elder Wiley continued on, “Irwin was the most famous snake hunter to ever grace these mountains, if you ask him.” “He came to our area looking for timber rattlers.” “Apparently since he’s faced off with those cobras that immobilize their victims by spitting in their eyes, he thought he’d be interested in facing off with the biggest and baddest snake America has to offer.” “There’s a video of the encounter on Youtube.” “You all should watch it.” “It’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.”

Elder Wiley drew a breath and continued, “If you watch closely, you’ll see that while Irwin is climbing over boulders looking for rattlers, he positions himself so that the cameraman can get Irwin and the snake in the same shot.” “After Irwin puts himself in a squat over two rocks, he realizes that he has squatted directly over another rattler.” “If the rattler strikes, the first thing in the way is Irwin’s family jewels.” “It was lucky for Irwin it was a cold fall day and the snakes were sluggish, otherwise ………” 

“I’ll have to check that out,” Elder Cheatum said. “I thought with this being the first sunny day after all of our rain that I’d catch a big boy out sunning himself, but, it wasn’t in the stars today.” “I did get a little sunshine, though, and I’m happy about that.”

“Is there any more business?” Elder Cheatum asked as he stood. Everyone looked at each other and shook their heads no. “Ok then, see you all on Sunday.” Elder Cheatum said.

The board headed off into the night to their respective homes and lives before the call to duty would once again bring them back to the little church in the valley.

Good morning, y’all. The news of the sniper shooting and killing five Dallas police officers saddens us all. The shooting should come as no surprise to any of us, and not because of the traditional concept of vengeance. It shouldn’t be a surprise because of the numbers of veterans returning from war zones that need specialized help assimilating back into society; and the help is not available to them. It shouldn’t be a surprise because of the easy access to military weapons in this country to everyone, regardless of mental state. It shouldn’t be a surprise because the media serves the powerful and rarely pursues justice for the victims of police shootings.

Speaking of surprise, brings us back the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. It was Thursday, September 24th, and Elder Cheatum thought he detected a touch of Fall in the air. It couldn’t come quick enough for the Elder. The older he got, the less he was able to tolerate the heat that was now everywhere. It was cooler still in the mountains than it was in the city, but when it’s in  the 90’s in the mountains, it is still intolerable. Elder Cheatum pulled into his reserved spot in the parking lot of the Full Gospel Original Church of God. Alva Bread was rocking on the front porch of the rectory with a couple of her babies scattered about the porch. The Elder tried to not look her way as he entered the church.

The rest of the board was already sitting in the office, along with the choir director, Ophelia Bottoms.

“Sorry I’m late”, Elder Cheatum said as he took his chair, “Have I missed anything?”

“Well, Ophelia here has been telling us that she and Reverend Bread have been ‘close’ since she joined our church last year,” said Elder Wiley. “Reverend Bread discovered Ophelia singing at the ‘Rise and Grind’ coffee shop over in Helen and recommended that she come here and apply for the job of choir director.”

“They’ve been meeting three or four times a week”, Elder Wiley continued, “and some of the time they’re working on choral arrangements.” “Is that about right?” the Elder asked the choir director.

“We’re in love”, replied Ophelia, “can’t nothing you all say or do will change that.”

“No, I guess you’re right”, said Elder Cheatum, “but we can keep you from practicing your ‘love’ on church grounds.” “You’re fired, but, I guess you already know that from Dale.” “We have a check for you for one month’s severance, and some paper work for you to sign.”

As Elder Wiley slid the check and the contract across the table to the choir director, he began to speak. “The paper work says that you will not reveal the conditions surrounding your termination to anyone.” “No running to the paper, no running to the state looking for unemployment.” “We’d be happy if you and Dale ride off into the night and are never heard from again, understand?”

Ophelia looked at the check, and the contract, and then the check again.

“We’d be happy to”, she said as she signed her name to the bottom of the contract. “You know, you all ain’t as holy as you like to think you are”, she said as she pushed the contract back to Elder Wiley. “I hear things.”

“I’m sure you do”, said Elder Wiley as he folded the contract and put it into the breast pocket of his suit. “That’s why you signed the contract, whatever you’ve heard, whatever you know, stays in that pretty little head of yours.” “If it doesn’t, we’ll come after you with the full authority of the state of Georgia and God Almighty.”

Elder Wiley rose from the table. “We’re done; Mulva will go with you to gather any personal items you might have about and to escort you to the door.””Mulva?” he said as he looked at the secretary/treasurer.

The ladies left the room and the men breathed a collective sigh. “Will that contract hold up in court?” Elder Diggum asked.

“A contract is as strong as the parties believe it to be, is what I always say,” Elder Wiley replied. “If she believes we’ll pursue her until Gabriel blows his horn, she won’t give us any trouble.”

“Well, I guess it’s always good to have God on our side”, replied Elder Diggum. “Now what are we going to do about Dale?”

“I don’t know”, Elder Cheatum answered, “he truly has ‘made his own bed’, and now I guess we’re going to see how he likes sleeping in it.”

“Hang on to that thought”, Elder Wiley said, “I’ve got to take this.” “Ben, what’s up”, Elder Wiley said into his cell as he walked out of the room. The two remaining board members made lunch plans while waiting for their partner to return.

“That was Ben Weinberg”, the Elder said as he returned to his seat. “Guess who was in his office first thing this morning, Dale Bread!” “Apparently after finding out that Bud Jr. wasn’t going to lock up Alva, Dale has decided to file a civil lawsuit against her.” “He’s got his mind wrapped around the idea that Alva’s actions caused him to lose his job, and therefore injured him financially.” 

Elder Wiley took a breath and continued, “I guess he’s hoping for some sort of verdict that gets him clear of alimony.” “I reckon he figures paying child support for his seven little ones is going to be punishment enough for his dalliance.”

“Well”,  began Elder Cheatum, “I guess Dale must be feeling pretty overwhelmed by the prospect of losing his life’s work, his calling if you will, at the same time that his financial burdens are going to skyrocket.”

Mulva Lite returned to the room and the Elders gave her the latest news. “I just feel sorry for those babies,” she said, “it ain’t their fault that their parents are a train wreck.” “I wonder if Alva’s family over in Helen will help out.”

“That’s good, Mulva, why don’t you check on her plans while we cogitate on what to do about Dale”, said Elder Cheatum. “Are we adjourned?”, he asked as everyone got up to leave.

“We are”, replied Elder Diggum.