Good morning, y’all. As we ponder the unique gifts bestowed on Donald Trump that endow him, and only him, the ability to make America great again, we are reminded that many of the problems we experience in the United States are not unique to us. A crazed gunman has shot innocents at a mall in Munich. England’s economy is crashing due to the white supremacists decision to exit the EU. Turkey is beginning a purge based off of the recent coup. I for one think The Donald is better suited to taking on any of these other countries’ problem and letting America see if it can get better on its own.
Speaking of making things better brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Wednesday morning’s breakfast was filled with the news of Bud Lite’s early morning encounter with the Bread family. Mulva had called Elder Cheatum with the details shortly after the Elder’s breakfast orders had arrived at their table.
Elder Cheatum sat his phone on the table to allow the other Elders, and patrons, hear the account in real time. “Bud got a call about a clogged toilet, with ‘water everywhere’, at 6AM this morning for the trailer where Alva Bread and her kids are staying.” “Well, he walked in to find Reverend Dale standing in the bedroom to the right of the front door with nothing between him and the Lord but a smile.”
Mulva continued, “Let me just say right here that Bud is real uncomfortable with male nudity, and that probably made him madder than anything else.” “In his defense, Reverend Dale seemed as startled as Bud, and Bud says he hid in the back room while Bud went to work in the hall bathroom.” “Well the floor is standing in water, but it’s clear water, if you know what I mean”.
At this point, Elder Diggum stopped the methodical cycle of his fork from plate to mouth. He seemed content to just listen to the story that Mulva was continuing to unfold.
Mulva pressed on, “The good news is that it was just an overflow of water.” ” The bad news is that simply plunging isn’t getting rid of the clog.” “Bud has to go and get the Johnny Jolter, his super plunger.” “On his trip back to the tool shed, Bud walked around the park to see if he could find Reverend Dale’s car.” “Turns out, Reverend Dale was parked in front of Number Fifty Three, Anita Goodman’s trailer.” “Maybe it’s just a coincidence.”
Mulva continues, “Anyway, long story short, Bud comes back to Alva’s trailer and after three or four big plunges, he clears the clog.” “Well, portions of the clog are coming to the surface attached to the plunger.”
Elder Cheatum tried to grab his phone and turn off the speaker. Before the Elder can act, Alva spits out one word, “Condoms.”
“Bud says it looked like somebody flushed down a whole box of condoms.” “Bud’s take is that the eldest boy, Devin, flushed them down to call attention to the fact that Reverend Dale was back in the house.” “I just can’t imagine an eight year old being that devious, but, no matter, it appears that Reverend Dale and Alva are working on mending fences.”
Mulva caught her breath for half a second and continued, “I’m sorry to call you so early, I know you all must have more important things on your minds.” “I just had to give you the news, and I guess to let you know that Bud is about to lose it.” “I’m going to need to give him a lot of space until he calms down, so I’ll probably be working at the church today if anybody needs anything.”
“All right, thanks for the update”, said Elder Cheatum, “I’ll check in with you later.”
Elder Cheatum turned off the speaker of his phone and returned it to its case attached to his belt. The Elder reached for the little pot of coffee to refill his cup before speaking.
“So it appears the first born Bread has got it in for his old man,” Elder Cheatum said, “Interesting.” “It looks like we have a sub plot of the son wanting to ‘out’ his old man.”
“Hard to imagine that level of devious thinking in an eight-year-old”, said Elder Wiley, “I mean that trick with the baby rattle was inspired, but it might have been Alva’s idea.” “This sounds like it was just the kid.”
Elder Diggum had recovered from the shock of all of the ‘potty talk’ and started devouring his breakfast again. “Who buys condoms by the box?” “I mean that’s thirty or forty condoms, right?” “That’s fifteen birthday’s and Christmases, with a few left over for those spontaneous moments we hear so much about.”
“Somebody with seven kids, that’s who,” Elder Cheatum replied, “I’d love for Dale to get it together and take over the responsibility of his family, but this doesn’t feel right.” “This feels like he’s cheating on Ophelia with his wife, and that is just weird.”
“Barry, it’s your turn”, the Elder concluded as he handed Elder Diggum the check. As the three friends stood in the parking lot saying their goodbyes, Elder Cheatum was struck by inspiration.
“I think I’m going to test the waters with the congregation tonight after services.” Elder Cheatum said. “Prayer Meeting attendees are our ‘core constituency’, the people who are in church every time the door is open.” “I think I’ll float a trial balloon tonight, and see if anyone wants to shoot it down.”
“Well, I can help you with that,” said Elder Wiley, “tell me, and I’ll shoot it down, and save you the embarrassment of standing in front of everybody.”
“I know that you would”, grinned Elder Cheatum, “but, I think I need a less biased audience.”
Elder Cheatum got his car and slid down the window, “Be prepared for anything, and you won’t be surprised.” The words of the Elder’s pedophilic former scoutmaster did not encourage the other two elders.