Good morning, y’all. If we can make it through just one more day, it will finally be over. The Republican National Convention, I mean. I have to clarify because the Repubs are predicting life will end on this planet if they don’t get their way, but you know how Republicans lie. Take “Lying Ted Cruz” for example. Feeling the desperate need to defend his wife against the charge of ugliness, and his Dad against the charge of crazy as a loon, The Tedster decided to throw himself under the Republican bus by not endorsing The Donald. The Donald was happy to drive the bus, which was a short one, if you know what I mean.
Talking about the ends of eras brings us to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The members of the board turned their attention to Elder Cheatum. His announcement that he had momentous news was exciting, and possibly scary. The board members had been through so much, that didn’t know what to expect.
Elder Cheatum cleared his voice and began, “The Full Gospel Original Church of God, is doing, very, very well.” “The question before us is, how do we apply these new found riches to the mission statement of the church?” “Will we spend the money on furthering our message by establishing missionaries throughout the world?” “Should we spend the money on improving this location’s infra-structure by building a structure of sufficient size to accommodate our anticipated future needs?” “Should the church attempt to go global by the use of advertising and mass marketing?” “Clearly some of the money should be spent by improving compensation for the Reverend Helen Handbasket”. “I’m sure that this committee could be better compensated for our time.”
At this point, Elder Cheatum paused and looked directly at each of the select group seated around the table.
“Which of these choices best fit our church’s mission statement, or should it be a mix of ‘all of the above’?” the Elder asked the group.
As each of the board members contemplated the opportunity to fund any of the items on the wish list presented by Elder Cheatum, they also considered ideas that the Elder had not mentioned. Mulva was about to mention the need for a day care for the Nunsuch area when Elder Cheatum began again.
“I am proposing we establish a ‘task force’”, Elder Cheatum said, “that is charged with determining the best way financially to accommodate our current growth and to sustain the growth well into the future.” “I have already begun a personal study of acquiring another, already existing structure.” “Our trailer additions can not be expanded, and a new structure on this location will take at least a year to complete.” “I should mention the disruption to the congregation that new building would cause.” “We might turn so many people away by the construction issues that we would lose the need for the additional seats.”
“You said you’ve explored an existing structure”, said Elder Wiley, “Might I ask where the structure is?”
“It’s the abandoned Mormon church in Blairsville”, Elder Cheatum answered.
“The Crystal Palace?” the other board members echoed in a derisive tone.
“Wait, wait, wait”, Elder Cheatum responded. “We don’t need to get all judgmental in this situation.” “I realize the Seventh Day Adventists over shot their market a little bit in our area.” “We’ve all heard the stories about The Adventists getting overly encouraged by all of the early signups.” “We know you can’t tell folks in these parts that the church has great stores of free food and other items available for their members.” “People around here are going to lineup for the free food, and blow off church if the church doesn’t meet their spiritual needs.”
“Or tells them they can’t drink coffee,” interjected Elder Diggum.
“Or denies them caffeine”, Elder Cheatum agreed. “Anyway, the Adventist’s loss can be our gain if we play our cards right.” “The Crystal Palace is available for our use, if we can persuade our congregation to move to town.”
“Well you were right about one thing”, Elder Wiley said, “you came here to drop a bomb.”
“I don’t know what to say, what to think”, replied Mulva, “I’ve never contemplated worshiping anywhere but in this church.” “My family is buried in that cemetery, I plan on being buried in that cemetery alongside of my family.” “I just don’t know what to think.”
“I’m not saying that is what we’re going to do,” Elder Cheatum replied, “I’m just throwing out options.”
Elder Cheatum looked at Mulva whose face showed her heartbreak.
“Look, let’s just think about it all.” “We don’t need to do anything tonight.” “I’ll get some bids on a new structure, and we can study things more closely later.” “For right now I think we all agree that for The Full Gospel Original Church of God to maintain it’s growth trajectory, we have to lock up Reverend Helena.” “Would you all agree?”
The assembled responded with a collective “yes”.
“I’m proposing we give Reverend Helena a ‘base plus commission’ situation.” “I think that we should raise her base by twenty percent, and give her five percent of all collections, no matter the source.” “If folks in TV land send a hundred thousand dollars a week, then Reverend Helena gets a bonus of five-thousand dollars a week.” “Does that seem fair to you all?”
The board members looked at each other contemplating the large numbers being mentioned. While nodding agreement to one another, the group responded, “yes”. The motion was carried.
“Good, good”, responded Elder Cheatum, “Mulva, will you give Reverend Helena the good news?”
The secretary/treasure smiled her agreement.
“I know I’ve given you all a lot to think about, and maybe it was like dropping a bomb,” Elder Cheatum said. “But to continue the analogy, our growth has been explosive.” “I think we’re going to have to start thinking really big to get ahead of this phenoneum.”
“Anybody have anything else?”, the Elder said as he stood to leave.
There being no further business, the meeting was adjourned.