The Princess Bride

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. Another gorgeous day in the mountains. There’s nothing like breathing deeply of the cool mountain air and having all that pure clean oxygen reach your tired, worn out brain. I don’t know how folks in the city can get by without fresh air. I hear tell they’ve even opened oxygen bars in some cities.

This sounds like an opening to chose “Twelve Monkeys” for the date night movie, but my plans were derailed. Pitching the movie based on its stars Bruce Willis, Madeleine Stowe and Brad Pitt, would have been an easy sale. Unfortunately, Mulva had other plans. As previously discussed, we are now the proud landlords to the Reverend Dale E. Bread’s soon to be ex-wife, Alva, and their brood of seven curtain climbers. The little monsters range in age from one to eleven or so, and it’s clear that the Gospel wasn’t the only thing that the Reverend Bread was inspired by.

Anyway, in the spirit of “doing unto others”, Mulva has decided it would be the Christian thing to do to use our date night as a family night for the Bread’s. I’m thinking that my suggestion of scattering small animal traps around the park to keep the local vermin in check didn’t sound to Mulva like the correct response to the little monsters trampling my irises. I wonder if I can get a license plate that says, “Hell, No, I Ain’t Fergettin'”, but with an iris in the background instead of a rebel flag. I’ll need to look into that.

Well, now I’m supposed to find a family movie that will hold the interest of the little monsters while not sending the adults into a coma. I chose, “The Princess Bride”. In case you’ve been living in a cave, or Alabama, for the last thirty years and haven’t seen the movie, shame on you. It is truly a great movie, a family movie, and the best babysitting investment you’ll ever spend. My kids never tired of watching the movie over and over, even on our little RCA. The fact that they would routinely quote pieces of the movie was a source of parental concern. Kids are supposed to quote Aristotle, not Fezzik, right? Fezzik was played by Andre the Giant, though, which I’m sure made him more relevant to the kids than Aristotle.

Princess Bride quoting leads to one of the weirdest encounters I’ve ever had. A few years ago, I was picking up some landscaping rock from a landscaping supply yard. The yard is one of those big places where they move everything with front end loaders and dump it in the back your pickup truck. Normally they kept three guys behind the counter to help folks and answer the phone. The owners were all in their fifties and I assumed brothers or really tight friends.

Anyway this other customer comes in and he’s about to pay for his purchase when the smell of the sandwich in his hand hits everyone. It’s lunch time, and I guess it wasn’t too weird that this guy is eating a sandwich while taking care of business, I think they call it multi-tasking.

So, the smell is very pronounced and the lead guy behind the counter asks, “Did that come from Italiano’s?”. Italiano’s is a little place down the street. Sandwich guy says, “Yeah, it’s their ‘Genovese ham and peppers'”. My counter guy goes, “I thought perhaps it was a Sicilian”. Since I’ve never eaten at Italiano’s, I just assumed they were discussing the menu until lead guy replies, “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line”. Counter guy responds, “that would have been one of the classic blunders”. To which lead guy responds, “Inconceivable”. The third counter guy, who has been talking on the phone hangs up and says, “Inconceivable, you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” At which point, sandwich guy says, “Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?” Lead guy responds, “If there are, we all be dead”. Phone guy answers with,”No more rhymes now, I mean it”. Lead guy responds with, “Anybody want a peanut?”

At this point, I am standing slack jawed at this complete mastery of the dialogue of a movie from a bunch of old-timers. My counter guy returns to reality by asking, “Do you want to put this on your debit card?” I respond with, “As you wish Buttercup”. Everyone laughs. A bond has been formed by five strangers in the most masculine of circumstances over a children’s movie about a princess bride. It is completely surreal. Art trumps all.

Art trumps all, except for the descendants of the Reverend Bread.  Alva Bread conked out shortly after the three youngest Breads went to sleep on their pallets on the Rec room floor. This left Mulva and I dealing with the four oldest Breads’ interminable questions throughout the movie. The movie ends, we wake Alva and walk her and her kids over to Number Thirty Nine.

So much for a date night. You’ll have to watch Princess Bride for yourself without further review from me. You won’t be disappointed.




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