Month: August 2016

Good morning, y’all. Well if you can’t get excited about watching America’s swimmers at the Olympics, I don’t know what will get you out of your seat. Michael Phelps’ continued dominance of his sport at the ripe old age of thirty-one is mighty impressive. Thank God he’s winning, or people would be pointing out that maybe he should stop playing huggy buggy with that octopus before each match. The physical results of “cupping” are very distracting, and one could imagine what Phelps’ detractors would be saying if the practice was not producing such astounding results. That, and all of that training, of course.

Speaking of dominance brings us back around to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The board meeting after the Wednesday Night Prayer meeting was filled with the news that Bud Lite was relieved of his probation from the State of Georgia and would now be available to donate his skills to the furthering of the mission of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Mulva was most complimentary of Reverend Dale’s efforts as a character witness on Bud’s behalf.

“Turns out, Reverend Dale knows the judge”, related the secretary/treasurer to the group seated around the table.

“Bud says they acted like old buddies”, Mulva continued, “Isn’t that providential?”

“It’s a true blessing”, replied Elder Cheatum, “I know you’re happy that Bud’s been released.”

“How’s he coming on our website”, asked the Elder hoping to divert the attention away from Reverend Dale’s friendship with yet another female.

“Ok, I guess”, replied Mulva, “He’s going to come out and take photos of everything for the webpage.” “I think he wants to get some testimonials too”.

“Well, he shouldn’t have any problem around here finding people who are willing to testify“, said Elder Wiley.

A light chuckle passed through the group and the board members continued on with their business. Repairs at the Crystal Palace were continuing unabated despite the snow and ice on the grounds. A tentative grand opening was scheduled for Sunday March 27, two weeks hence.

“I’m cogitating on an idea”, said Elder Cheatum, “and I’d like to have your thoughts.”

Eager to be a part of one of the few times that the Elder needed help making a decision, the group leaned forward in their chairs.

“I’d like to take the whole congregation to the new church the week before we open.”, said Elder Cheatum, “We could charter three or four buses, drive to the new church, and setup in the parking lot for Reverend Helena to deliver a blessing to the new church.”

The Elder drew a breath and continued, “After the benediction, we’d let everybody walk around and appreciate the work of our volunteers for a while, then load them up on the bus and give them a box lunch to eat on the way back.” “What do you think?”

“I love it”, responded Reverend Helena, “it might help make some of the older members of the church to feel more at home.”

“What about Channel 99”, asked Elder Diggum, “this endeavor is going to far exceed our hour of air time”.

“I thought about that”, responded Elder Cheatum, “I’m thinking we would leave here at 9AM.”

The Elder paused to look at the faces around the table, “We’d be basically cancelling church here for the day”. “The dudes from Channel 99 would be able to film whatever they want to film, edit it, and then present it at 11AM in documentary style.”

“I’m not sure that will fly”, responded Elder Diggum, “that’s not exactly our agreement”.

“If you need help with the ‘agreement’, we’ll get Alvin to help out”, replied Elder Cheatum, “that is if everyone agrees that it’s a good idea.”

“I think the Ladies Auxillary and all of the volunteers will be tickled pink that we’re showing off their good works on TV”, said Mulva, “I agree”.

“You know, we could do one of those scrolling things at the end of the broadcast that displays all of the businesses that have contributed to our efforts”, said Elder Wiley, “that will go a long way when we need to ask them for something the next time.”

“Then we’re all agreed”, asked Elder Cheatum.

The “ayes” carried the motion. The meeting adjourned with Mulva tasked with securing enough transportation at the “best price” to carry the acolytes to their Promised Land.

Spirits were high that Sunday. All of the pieces seemed to be fitting together. The message of the week was on temperance, and Reverend Helena lit right into the evils of hard drink and drugs. She was not giving a pass to “social drinkers” or folks who only used prescription medicines. The “highway to hell is paved with good intentions”, and folks who have a drink to be sociable are just “tempting the Devil”.

From his vantage point at the back of the church, Elder Cheatum calculated that Reverend Handbasket did a good half an hour on the perils of strong drink, leaving about fifteen minutes for the evils of drugs.

As the Elder passed the collection plate from row to row, years of performing the task led him to believe that the offerings were lighter than usual.

“I don’t know if a poll of the congregation would reveal a demographic that is supporting of the Reverend’s time allotments”, the Elder thought,”I suspect the drug problem is about two to one the drinking problem.” 

“I don’t have any hard numbers”, the Elder concluded to himself, “but I know my neighbors, and you just know these hipsters are messing with something illegal.”

For the first time since the Reverend Helena had taken over, there were no people coming up to the altar call at the end of the service. Elder Cheatum scanned the congregation and looked for a clue as to the cause of the anomaly. As surreptitiously as he could, Elder Cheatum slipped alongside of Elder Wiley.

“I don’t know what to make of it”, Elder Cheatum whispered in his friend’s ear, “She was certainly fiery in her delivery, and did a mighty fine job of wrangling the serpents.” “She just couldn’t get anyone to get out of their seat to ‘come on down’.” 

Elder Wiley whispered back at Elder Cheatum, “I know what it looks like in person, and I’m guessing out in TV land it looks God awful.”

Elder Wiley continued whispering animatedly,”I’m sure hoping the management at Channel 99 is not negatively effected by the paucity of souls saved this week.” “It could greatly effect our request for them to do us a favor by doing the road trip show to the Crystal Palace.”

“You work on that”, whispered Elder Cheatum, “and I’ll see what’s going on with our Reverend.”

“I’m taking off”, Elder Cheatum declared, “Can you follow up with Mulva and make sure she gets the deposit done?”

Elder Cheatum didn’t wait for a response and he was out of the church immediately. On his way down the steps he whispered into the Reverend’s ear, “We need to talk, will you be home later?” Reverend Helen nodded “yes” and Elder Cheatum left the parking lot headed for parts unknown.

 

Good morning, y’all. There is no “out of bounds” for crazy. Unlike all of our endeavors in life, where there is perceived to a defined area that society feels comfortable operating in, crazy does not have those restrictions. I’m referencing the Donald’s call to arms by the second amendment wingnuts to do harm to Hillary because the Donald is unable to compete intellectually. To paraphrase the words of that great American, Forest Gump, “Crazy is as crazy does.” I don’t recall there ever being a  political campaign in America that was predicated on the assassination of the opponent. Thanks for that, Donald.

Speaking of giving thanks bring us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Wednesday morning “breakfast club” members were gathered around their favorite table at the IHOP when Elder Cheatum dropped the bomb.

“I got a call from Bud Lite”, the Elder began, “and he has related some very disturbing news to me.”

“Is Mulva ok”, asked the other Elders in unison.

“She’s fine, for now”, Elder Cheatum replied, “but Bud is scared that the latest news might send her to Glory”.

“What is it”, asked Elder Wiley, “quit drawing it out.”

“Well, as Bud tells me, he had security cameras installed around the park at TackyToo so that he could get the goods on a suspected peeping Tom”, Elder Cheatum continued, “Seem’s Bud wanted to be able to confront the peeper with video evidence when he evicted him.” “Well, even though the peeper is long since gone, the security system lives on.” “The cameras just keep recording everything they see, 24×7, rain or shine.”

“And….”, asked Elder Diggum.

“And the cameras have revealed more goings on in the wee hours of the night than just the possums turning over the trash.” “Bud has tapes of the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread sneaking into Ms. Anita Goodman’s trailer the last three nights at about 2AM.” “The camera’s datetime stamp shows Dale leaving at about 3AM.”

The Elders are all quite for nearly a minute.

Elder Wiley is first to speak, “I think we have established a new meaning for ‘The Sweet Hour of Prayer’.”

“Well, we can make light of it”, answered Elder Cheatum, “but Bud is afraid the news will send Mulva right off the deep end.” “In her way, she is as important to us as Reverend Helena.” “We need to come up with a plan for protecting Mulva from this information.”

Elder Diggum took the opportunity of the moment of contemplation to order another order of French toast and a side of bacon. When he finished ordering, he looked at his two friends and said,

“You know the old phrase that you can’t teach an old dog a new trick.” “Is there anyway in this world we can teach this ‘old dog’ how to forget this particular trick?”

“Neuter him, I reckon”, replied Elder Wiley, “I don’t see any other way.”

Elder Cheatum looked at Elder Wiley and grinned, “Always the practical one, aren’t you?” 

“Well, I’m just saying that it’s hard to put the genie back in the bottle”, replied Elder Wiley, “if you know what I mean.”

“Yes, yes, we know what you mean”, answered Elder Cheatum. “Look, I’m going to tell Bud to keep it quiet”. “If it blows up in our face, we’ll deal with it then, but as of now we are like those three monkeys.” “We haven’t seen anything, we haven’t heard anything, and we’ve certainly got nothing to talk about.” “Agreed?”, he asked as he looked at Elder Diggum.

Elder Diggum answered by clapping his hand over his rather full mouth.

“Ok fine, now let’s get out of here and remember, we don’t know a thing.” said Elder Cheatum as he started to slide out of the booth. 

“That’s not that much of a stretch for Barry”, said Elder Wiley as he handed Elder Diggum the bill, “Here, Barry, this one is on you.” 

The three friends rejoined eight hours later for the “official” weekly board meeting after Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting. All of the news was good. Work was progressing at the Crystal Palace at a pace consistent with a motivated volunteer workforce. Mulva announced that she had ordered another twelve thousand Bible bookmarks in response to the request coming in from the new market areas. Mulva also announced with equal pride that Reverend Dale had made a payment on his outstanding debt to TackyToo. The news was met with smiles and words of approval from the Elders. The meeting ended on a high note.

Sunday’s services were packed to the rafters in spite of the snow on the ground. Elder Cheatum couldn’t help but notice that the Channel 99 truck in the parking lot was a very large step van. Previous telecasts were handled by a converted Ford Econoline. Now the telecasts were being funneled through a van the size of those food trucks you see in Atlanta.

“Well, I guess we’ve all stepped up a bit”, Elder Cheatum thought as he headed inside for the service.

This week’s sermon was on “Envy”, and would complete the ‘seven deadly sins’ series. From his vantage point at the back of the church, Elder Cheatum thought that Reverend Helena gave a good one.

“Not as good as ‘Gluttony’, or ‘Lust’, but still right up there”, the Elder thought.

While waiting for his cue to begin the collection, the Elder wondered about his tenuous relationship with Reverend Dale. The Elder wondered if any of his feelings towards the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread were envious in nature. Clearly the words of Reverend Helena’s sermon were creeping into the Elder’s psyche.

“I mean, he truly is the poster child for an ‘old dog'”, Elder Cheatum thought as he headed to the altar to collect his collection plate.

“He makes his living selling something that can never be returned, and apparently only puts in about eight hours a week doing it.” “The balance of his week is spent ‘ministering’ to the congregation.”

“If truth be told, I’ve always known that Reverend Dale prefers to minister to the more fetching female members of our community”, thought Elder Cheatum as he avoided looking at Anita Goodman while passing the plate down her row.

“I suspect I could be envious of the Right Reverend”, Elder Cheatum thought as he returned his full collection plate back to the altar, “it just seems like the risk-reward is too disproportional for my liking”.”Once you’ve been caught cheating on your spouse, nobody will trust you in anything else.” “The loss of confidence might be something you’d never recover from”.

“Who can afford that”, the Elder asked himself as he watched the Reverend Handbasket put the snakes quietly back in their box.

At the end of the benediction hymn, the Elder and the Reverend crossed paths in the aisle as the Reverend was going to take her first turn at the exit. The Elder was headed to the office to get the preliminary numbers on the collection, and to check Mulva’s attitude. It was hard to judge which was higher, the collection or Mulva’s mood.

The Elder left the church confident that everything was under control.

Good morning, y’all. Well it is a momentous day indeed. The Donald has released his tax plan, and wonder of wonders, it provides for a massive tax break for the rich. Somehow, the Republicans are thinking that the Reagan “trickle down” economics will still play well with the voters. Ironically, the term “trickle down” didn’t begin with the Republicans, but with my favorite Democrat, Will Rogers. Rogers said during the Great Depression that, “money was all appropriated for the top in hopes that it would trickle down to the needy.” It’s kind of like hoping that so much money will get stuffed into the fat cat’s pockets that some of it will fall out of their pockets for the poor to pick up. I prefer higher taxes for the rich. It certainly worked during our last good Republican president’s day. During the Eisenhower administration, the rich paid up to ninety four percent.

Speaking of taxing situations brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Elder Cheatum walked into the Wednesday night board meeting to hear Mulva Lite telling the collected group of her most recent baby-sitting adventures with the Bread Brood. “You know Valentine’s day is on Sunday, so I thought it would be nice if Bud and I kept the kids for a little while so Dale and Alva could go out”, Mulva continued,”I guess I wanted to be sure they celebrated”.

“Anyway”, Mulva said, “We rented this movie, ‘March of the Penguins’ to show to the kids, and it was just perfect, if you all haven’t seen it, you should.”

Mulva looked about the room to see if the audience was still following her, and everyone was.

“The ‘March of the Penguins’ is this French documentary about the Emperor penguins of Antarctica”, Mulva continued, “It’s a fascinating story, even with Bud constantly pointing out to the children how a good daddy takes care of his children, even when they’re just eggs.” “Anyway, Reverend Dale and Alva get back just as their eldest Devin is making a hangman’s noose out of the Venetian blind cord.”

“I just don’t know what to think about that one”, Mulva concluded, “he kindly sends chills down my back.” “Anyway, watch the movie if you get a chance”.

“Will do”, said Elder Cheatum, “how are we doing this week?”

“Well, our collections from attendance are around seven thousand this week”, replied Mulva, “the additional services are bringing about eleven hundred per week so far, so that’s good.”

“Where we are going ‘off the hook’ as the kids say, is the money coming from TV land” “The donations from the Bible Bookmarks are now averaging fifty dollars a piece, so we’ve collected nearly four hundred thousand dollars from the bookmark campaign.”

Mulva looked around the table at the other board members who appeared to be afraid to breathe or swallow or do anything that might change their good fortune.

“Regular donations from TV land are now about fifty thousand per week.” “I’m calculating that with an average check of thirty five dollars, and that’s if we’re getting one donation per twenty viewers, we’ve got between twenty-five and thirty thousand viewers watching each week.” “Of course we expect that number to rise as the market areas of the new telecasts expand.”

If Mulva had any anxious feelings about wasting the time of the board with the banality of her story about the penguins, she need not worry. The preponderance of the financial data had left the board speechless.

Finally, Reverend Helena broke the silence, “How many people are watching me”, she asked.

“Well, my numbers are inexact”, replied the secretary/treasurer, “but I’m guesstimating close to thirty thousand”. “It might be lower, but that would mean that the percentage of ‘givers’ in the audience is higher than we expect.” “One giver for every twenty viewers felt like a good estimate based on the area reached by Channel 99 when we started.” “I guess at some point Channel 99 will tell us what they know”.

“They’re called ‘Nielsen Ratings'”, chimed Elder Diggum, “they’re real hard to get for areas like ours.” “It’s much easier in the city where the station has a strong financial interest in knowing who is watching.”

“Well, I would like to invoke a little country wisdom here,” said Elder Wiley, “it ain’t broke, let’s don’t try to fix it.” “I’m amazed that Mulva’s ‘free’ bookmark idea has born so much fruit, and I think it has given us a great insight into our audience.” “I’d say let’s just keep on collecting data and once we get moved to the Crystal Palace we can hit the audience with a direct mail campaign.”

“I agree”, said Elder Cheatum, “the audience will see the telecasts coming from the Crystal Palace and have a real sense of  ownership.” “Twice a year capital drives for improvements should be no problem for the first three or four years.”

“I’m curious”, said Reverend Helena as all eyes turned on her, “where’s all of this money going?” “I know it costs a lot to fix up the new church, and to keep this one open, but I get the sense we’ve collected over a million dollars since I started, and, well, I’m just curious.”

“Well, some time we’ll sit down and tell you about all of the missions that our church is involved in”, said Elder Cheatum as he stood to leave, ” but not tonight.” “Anybody have anything else?” he said as he backed towards the door.

No one raised an objection and the meeting was over.

As Elder Cheatum stood on the porch of the little church in the valley that Sunday counting the cars vying for parking spaces, he was glad that the faithful had failed to heed the warnings of the weather service. “Black ice” was predicted for the area, and it was clear from the cloudless blue skies that the weather people didn’t know what they were talking about. An old Bible verse popped into Elder Cheatum’s head as he shook hands and patted the backs of people crowding into the church. Proverbs 17:28 stated, “Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding”.

“So even back in Biblical times, they knew that it was better to, ‘remain silent and be thought a fool, rather than speaking and removing all doubt’”, thought Elder Cheatum as he headed inside to the beginning notes of the gathering hymn.

As the Reverend Helen Handbasket began her service, Elder Cheatum looked to see if his dear friend Barry Diggum’s ears were turning red. This week’s sermon topic was Gluttony. As the Reverend Helena warmed to her task, Elder Cheatum looked out at the congregation whose average BMI was higher than Hank Aaron’s lifetime batting average.

“I know she’s working her way through the seven ‘deadly’ sins, but the Reverend Helena is going after gluttony with a real relish”, thought Elder Cheatum, “real relish, I’ll have to remember that one”.

Reverend Helena must have dug deep into her research this week to be able to quote Thomas Aquinas on gluttony, “Gluttony denotes, not any desire of eating and drinking, but an inordinate desire… leaving the order of reason, wherein the good of moral virtue consists.”

“Well, I guess it’s interesting to learn that Thomas Aquinas took the position of gluttony not only applying to personal consumption”, thought Elder Cheatum, “but we may be getting too far a field for this audience.”

After an appropriate amount of time dedicated to the overweight, Reverend Handbasket’s admonitions turned from the portly to the wealthy. Reverend Helena dove right in to the defense of the poor and disadvantaged, against folks who already had “more than their share”. What started as an attack on all of the “big boned”, ended up as a diatribe against the wealthy. Reverend Handbasket talked the talk of economic injustice as well as anyone with a degree of economics.

Reverend Handbasket didn’t limit her arguments to the precepts of Keynesian economics but also interspersed the old saws, like Luke 18:25, “Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” The hair on the back of Elder Cheatum’s neck raised up when Reverend Helena drew a fine line of distinction between the owners of Chevrolets and Lexuses.

“Geez”, thought Elder Cheatum, “that’s inviting some serious disaster when your congregation can go out into the parking lot after the service and see who’s going to Hell.” “We’re definitely going to discuss this sermon later”, he thought, “The only heat I want our wealthy parishioners feeling on their drive home is from their electric seat warmers”.

 

Good morning, y’all. If you have fun filling your head with minutia, and I know I surely do, then you’ll be happy to know that today is National Dollar Day. August 8, 1786 is the day that our beloved Congress established the U.S. monetary system. So, that kind of makes it National Dollar Day! It is speculated that the political campaigns will spend 4.4 billion dollars this year on TV advertising trying to get their respective candidate ensconced in the White House. Makes you wonder how a job that pays $450,000 a year is worth it, doesn’t it? There must be some other perks there somewhere.

Speaking of collecting mountains of cash to further an agenda brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Reverend Dale continued his rehabilitation that week by wielding a paint brush at the Crystal Palace. There could be an argument made for the value of his work as it also carried with it babysitting duties for the Ladies Auxillary for his brood. Alva Bread was no longer allowing her husband out of her sight, and where Alva went, generally speaking, the brood went.

Work on rehabilitating the former Mormon sanctuary was coming along as well as the weather and the volunteer’s schedules would permit. There was an assortment of little jobs that suited themselves to a well directed volunteer coordinating everyone’s efforts. Mulva Lite coordinated as well as she could in between her secretary/treasures duties back in Nunsuch and her constant mission of leading the Ladies Auxillary. The Ladies Auxillary was stretched to the max caring for the infirmed, stuffing and opening envelopes for the Bible bookmarks campaign and keeping all of the church properties in spotless order.

Accounting for all of the church’s money was keeping Mulva awake at night. She had never been exposed to the amounts of cash that were being generated. Many was the time when she would wake up from a nightmare that involved her putting the night deposit bag in the book return deposit at the Nunsuch library, or some other nonsensical place. It didn’t help her anxiety that her husband Bud was continually complaining about the back rent owed to him by the Bread family. Mulva had never used the monthly stipend of a thousand dollars allocated by the church board for the Bread’s upkeep to help alleviate the Bread’s indebtedness. Her commitment to “Christian charity” was steadfast.

Mulva had used Matthew 6:19-21, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”, so many times to explain her position that when Bud heard the words “Do not store”, he would immediately leave the room. Bud knew when an argument was already lost.

Elder Cheatum decided to put his Sunday School perfect attendance award at risk by attending the 9AM service at the little church that Sunday. The Elder was curious as too how much spin had been taken off of Reverend Dale’s fastball, using baseball terminology. The Elder was happy that the Reverend was not a blubbering hot mess, but Reverend Dale was not up to his previous stature. Reverend Dale’s sermon had punch, and his singing and his glossolalia were first rate, but his serpent skills were embarrassing.

As Elder Cheatum looked at the congregation from his “old” spot in the last row, he didn’t notice any restlessness among the crowd. The sanctuary was half-filled with a mix of the old and new members. Elder Cheatum speculated that as the Superbowl neared, the “early show” might draw higher numbers. At the Altar call Elder Cheatum rushed to his Sunday School class, keeping his perfect attendance record intact. 

After Sunday School, Elder Cheatum walked outside and was pleasantly surprised to find the weather warming up a bit. The Elder stood at the door and greeted as many people as he could as the parking lot and the road in front of the church filled with cars. At the gathering hymn, the Elder moved five feet backwards to stand inside along the back wall of the church. The Reverend Helena Handbasket came to the pulpit looking flushed. If she was flustered about something it did not come across in her delivery.

On this Sunday, the Reverend Helen Handbasket was fanning the flames of Hell so high that even some of the old-timers were surprised by the Reverend’s  “old timey religion” tone.

“I’m sure that some of the congregation is going to need to put Aloe vera on their backsides after services today”, thought Elder Cheatum.

Reverend Helena’s sermon was on “Lust”, and it was a topic the Reverend seemed to be highly opinionated on. Not content to let the seventh commandment stand on its own, “That Shalt Not Commit Adultery” , the  Reverend invoked  1 John 2:16 to flesh out her argument, “For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.” Elder Cheatum was surprised to find his mind speculating as to whether the Reverend’s opinions were formulated from personal exploration, or if the Reverend was just well read on the topic. Either way, the fire was coming from one direction and the brimstone from the other.

The Reverend Helen Handbasket delivered the entire message balancing on the edge of the stage. The cameras from Channel 99 caught the light just right behind her, giving her that other worldly glow that has drawn so many to the church. Her voice took on a husky tone as she delivered the sermon, and towards the end, her speech pattern was in a sing song rhythm more usually identified with black pastors.

“I wonder if the more old school gospel tone is to reach out to our new audiences in South Georgia”, wondered Elder Cheatum.

Toward the end of the sermon, Reverend Helena seemed on the verge of breaking out into tongues, or actually being possessed, her performance was that transformative. When the TV crew panned the audience, there was not one eye that was not locked on the stage. Most were slack jawed, many with their mouths open. Even the Right Reverend Bread and his collective brood were transfixed on the pastor, and they are known for disrespecting the services. If there was a meter for measuring services, and the top end was an eleven, this would have been a thirteen.

Ironically, the altar call and testament of faith were anti-climatic. It was as if most of the congregation did not have the energy to make it to the altar, even if they felt the call. The Reverend Helen Handbasket had absorbed all of the energy in the room and spun it into a premonition of the hereafter that was so vivid that it rivaled Imax. All of the faithful could see clearly what their afterlife would be, if they continued in their lustful ways.

“Well, if scaring the devil out of folks is our mission, Reverend Helena sure earned her pay today”, thought Elder Cheatum as he headed for the office after the services, “Now let’s see if she scared folks enough to want to make an investment in their salvation”.

From the stacks of checks and cash piling up on the table in front of the secretary/treasurer, it appeared that most members of the congregation had felt need to make a healthy down payment on the mortgage of their soul. Elder Cheatum saw all of the donations that had been made, and it was very good.

Good morning, y’all. Such a flip between the saneness of having all of the world’s countries coming together and presenting their fittest athletes for healthy competition, and the insanity of political competition. While the best among us strive to win the ultimate prize, an Olympic Gold Medal, the Donald wallows in the glow of being given a Purple Heart by a follower. “I always wanted one”, the Donald said. Gee, had the doctor that wrote the Donald the medical exemption for bone spurs only known, the Donald could have had his chance to earn one on his own in VietNam. There were 351,794 Purple Hearts awarded in VietNam, so there’s a good chance the Donald could have earned one. An even better chance that it would have come from friendly fire.

Speaking of earning things brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Sunday January 31st marked the return of the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread to the pulpit of the little church in the valley. The move was not without controversy. Reverend Dale was not “out of the doghouse” with many of the church’s members, and it was a risky move on the part of the church board to give Reverend Dale a second chance. The Elders could use “Christian charity” to describe their move, but in reality, the move was a shrewd, calculated financial decision. The board was using every resource available to them to bridge the gap between today and the eventual move to the Crystal Palace. As the church couldn’t afford, or would not pay, to have Ted E. Bayer and his Love Fellowship play an additional two times per week, the choral director duties for the new services were given to Ophelia Bottoms.

If the congregation had any concerns about Ms. Bottoms sincerity in serving the Lord and putting all of the business with the Right Reverend behind her, they were dispelled by her heartfelt delivery of the gathering hymn that Sunday. The embarrassed choir director chose the 23rd Psalm to begin her new incarnation at the little church. It was the most beautiful rendition of the 23rd Psalm that many of the followers had ever heard, leaving many of the followers in tears. 

It was clear to one and all that the two participants of the most famous coupling since Space X hooked up to the International Space Station, were busily redeeming themselves with the congregation. The Right Reverend Dale E. Bread was conducting services at 9AM and 3PM to help alleviate the overflowing crowds at the church.

Choral director, Ophelia Bottoms, was working the new services to provide the congregation with the most enlightening musical experience she could using whatever resources she could muster. Fortunately, she could always count on the deep Bass voice of  Bubba Hoakum to be available any time the doors of the church were open. Adding a tinge of soap opera drama to the proceedings was the fact that all of the new services were being conducted under the watchful eye of Alva Bread and her brood.

The morning service contained some new members and some old. There were between forty five and fifty in the crowd, and it was hoped that those people would not return fro the 11AM service.

“Freeing up an additional fifty seats for the main service is a bargain”, thought Elder Cheatum as he walked through the congregation on his way to Sunday school. It was assumed that Reverend Dale would pay for himself from the collections received from both services. Collections that exceeded Reverend Dale’s pay were “a gift” in Elder Cheatum’s eyes.

The “Elders in training” had been assigned the collection duties for the new services. Elder Cheatum was happy to be training the next generation and he felt good about the men they had chosen. The weeks of close scrutiny of their collections had revealed no improprieties.

“If any of the ‘Elders in training’ are stealing, it isn’t much”, reasoned Elder Cheatum.

Promptly at the end of Reverend Dale’s redemption service, Channel 99 moved in to get ready for the 11AM service. The broadcast that day would reach out to the newly added markets of Savannah and Macon, joining Columbus and North Georgia. The Channel 99 crew worked feverishly to check and double check every wire, cable and camera. Having statewide distribution of a telecast was the “big leagues” for the little station, and they didn’t want to be embarrassed by making a rookie mistake. Producer Jebediah Dye saw himself doing much bigger things someday, and he hoped to use the phenenom of the Reverend Helena Handbasket to spring board to bigger things.

In spite of the morning service, and the biting cold, the church was still standing room only. While the upbeat selections of the Love Fellowship tended to motivate the congregation to movement, being packed cheek to jowl also contributed to the rhythmic swaying in unison of the followers.

“I don’t think you could pull a sheet of paper between them”, Elder Cheatum thought as he looked at how closely packed the auditorium was. Children under the age of twelve were, by necessity, lap children.

“I bet the airlines would love to figure out how to do this”, the Elder chuckled to himself as he leaned his back against the wall at his post at the back of the church.

“She looks positively radiant”, thought Elder Cheatum as Reverend Helena strode to the pulpit. Reverend Helena’s hair seemed to have an extra sparkle this week. Her cheeks had just a touch of red, as if she had just run up a flight of steps, but her voice did not indicate that she was out of breath.

Reverend Helena Handbasket’s sermon this week was on Greed. The Reverend invoked the vision of the fiery lake for those in the congregation who had planned on taking their riches with them. The most simple follower, either in church or TV land understood by the end of the sermon that the opposite of “greed” is “give”. If one wanted to avoid eternal discomfort in the afterlife all you had to do was to give in this life. Reverend Helena closed the sermon out with Matthew 19:24, “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

Elder Cheatum could barely contain his excitement during the Altar Call and the Testament of Faith. His collection plate had felt heavier this week than ever before, and unless the people were putting coins in their donation envelopes, today’s final tally was going to be a humdinger.

 

Good morning, y’all. It is a fine Saturday for staying indoors and watching the Olympics, and, I’m doing just that. It’s funny to think of the Brazil jungle and its environs as having a winter, but that’s where they are now. It’s cooler in Brazil than it is here, and that seems like some sort of mental trick. Kind of like the Donald endorsing Paul Ryan and the other Republicans that are endangered by the Donald’s nut-wings, who are, after all, loyal Republicans.

Speaking of loyalty brings us back around to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Wednesday night’s prayer meeting brought the news to the Elders that the news of the impending move had been announced in the later edition of the North Georgia Gazette. Right there on the front page was an article that was not exactly welcoming of the move of an “outlier cult” to the most prominent piece of architecture in Blairsville.

While the argument could be made that the Union County Jail might rival the Crystal Palace as being the most prominent piece of architecture, it was not the architectural considerations that had Mulva’s fur ruffled. The phrase “outlier cult” stuck in Mulva’s craw so bad that she could barely talk. Adding insult to injury, the article was right next to an article about a multi-convicted pedophile who had been arrested again. From the picture in the paper, the molester looked like he was ninety, even though the paper listed his age as 67.

“Well, I never thought to check the home edition”, commented Elder Cheatum as he passed the paper to Elder Wiley, “Thoughts?”

“Well the first thing that comes to mind is jail sure does age a man if this peodphile is really 67”, replied Elder Wiley, “but all kidding aside, we knew the news would come out sooner or later.” “It’s just a little sooner than we would have liked.”

“What does this do to our plans?” asked Mulva.

“Doesn’t change a thing that I can think of”, responded Elder Cheatum. “The Mormon’s real estate agent, Ima Goochey, was more than happy to take a year’s rent up front and allow us the opportunity to bring the building up to code.”

Elder Cheatum looked about the room with as stern a look as he could muster.

“If he thinks that now that the ball is rolling we’ll fold because we’ve run into a little outside resistance, he’s got another think coming.” “I’ll not have our people put our hearts and souls and hard earned money into improving this property just to abandon it because of a little name calling.”

Elder Wiley was doodling furiously on his legal pad, releasing energy before he spoke, “It’s not like there wasn’t plenty of resistance already by the old-timers to the move.” “This news article is going to give the ‘stay in the valley’ crowd another argument for staying put.”

Elder Wiley added smoke to the caricature’s pipe before adding, “Sitting the article next to the piece about the pedophile is some serious devious machination.”

“Well, I’m not going to worry about that now, unless the paper comes out with something slanderous”, said Elder Cheatum, “We should just do our best to stay on track and continue expanding the mission.”

Elder Cheatum looked at Elder Diggum who had been quiet for most of the meeting, “To that end, Barry, what’s this email you sent me about ‘Channel 99 covers Dixie like the dew?”

Elder Diggum’s face broke out into a grin that was from ear to ear, “I’ve been waiting for you all to get through the bad news before I brought up the good news”. “Channel 99 has contracted with three other public broadcast stations to show our telecast.”

Elder Diggum paused for a couple of seconds to allow the news to sink in. “Reverend Helena is going to be shown in Savannah, Macon, Columbus and as far as their respective signals will reach”. “Basically the whole state of Georgia will have the opportunity to see our services, live”.

The grin had not diminished one bit from Elder Diggum’s face,”Well, there will be a slight delay for the three new stations, but basically it will be real-time.”

Elder Diggum’s grin was infectious and the complete board was grinning from ear to ear.

“Outstanding, Barry”, said Elder Cheatum, “you have turned my frown upside down.” He reached out and gave his friend an approving pat on the back. “When do the broadcasts start?”

“This Sunday, maybe”, said Elder Diggum, “next week at the latest.” “Channel 99 is as excited about it as we are.” “They’ll get some sort of revenue sharing from the commercials run on the other stations, so they’re real motivated to get started.”

“Excellent, excellent”, said Elder Cheatum as he turned to look at the secretary/treasurer, “Mulva, I think you need to order about twelve thousand more Bible bookmarks and get the Ladies Auxillary pumped up.”

“Are you excited”, Elder Cheatum asked as he looked at Reverend Helena, “You haven’t said a word all night.”

“I guess I’m just feeling a little funny about being called an ‘outlier cult'”, the Reverend replied, “Either word is not complementary, so using both words seems overly harsh to me.”

“I think there’s an old rhyme about stick and stones that might fit here”, said Elder Wiley as he addressed the Reverend, “I’ll keep a close watch on their language and we’ll sue them back to the stone age if they get out of hand.”

“Well, I don’t know about you all”, said Elder Cheatum as he got up to leave, “but I believe I’ve had about all of the fun I can have for one day.” “Anybody got anything that can’t wait until next time”, he asked as he backed towards the door. There were no objections and the group promptly adjourned the meeting.

Sunday’s service was once again heavily attended in spite of the snow on the ground and the sub-freezing temperature. Channel 99 had managed the link to the Columbus station, but not to the other two markets. As Elder Cheatum stood in his spot at the back of the church the idea that The Full Gospel Original Church of God might soon have to make room for worshipers of the Auburn persuasion excited him. The University of Georgia’s current coach “owned” the Auburn Tigers, and it would be fun to place a few friendly wagers with a diehard War Eagle. The sounds of the gathering hymn broke Elder Cheatum’s revelry and he turned his focus to the pulpit.

The strong emotions expressed by Reverend Helena at the board meeting seemed to form the background for her sermon this week. The sermon’s title was “Wrath”. Having attended thousands of services over the years, Elder Cheatum could generally plot the course of the sermon as easily as the minister. As he listened to the Reverend deliver her message eloquently and passionately, the Elder was having a hard time telling exactly who the sermon was directed at. Part of the sermon seem to draw on the Old Testament, vengeful God.

“I wonder if Reverend Helena is serving up a little wrath for the ‘city slickers’ in Blairsville who would try to disparage The Full Gospel Original Church of God”, he thought to himself.

The summation of the sermon seemed to be directed at the congregation before her, with an entreaty to calm their wrath for one another. Reverend Helena closed the sermon with Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”.

Fortunately for the TV viewing audience, the Reverend finished up in time to get the altar call and testament of faith in the telecast.

“The snakes looked a little sluggish”, thought Elder Cheatum as he headed for the office at the end of the service, ” but, don’t we all this time of year?”

 

Good morning, y’all. A positive force has invaded our news cycle. The Olympics have begun down in Rio. In spite of a lot of negative press, it looks like the games are going to be broadcast in the spirit in which they were intended, the celebration of our athletes. While we can get caught up in the doping scandals, cost overruns and local crime, the real focus is on the people who train and endure and seek perfection in their chosen discipline. It is fun to celebrate the best of what we as humans can accomplish.

Speaking of the best of what we can accomplish bring us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Elder Diggum slid into the booth at Wednesday’s unofficial meeting of the church board of directors held weekly at the IHOP in Blairsville.

“Hot off the presses”, he said as he handed the latest copy of the North Georgia Gazette to Elder Cheatum.

“Thanks”, said Elder Cheatum, “I went ahead and ordered for you; pages one through four of the menu”. Elder Cheatum raised his arm to call the waitress over as he grinned at Elder Diggum.

“Just kidding”, he said as he began rummaging through the paper. Elder Cheatum found the religion column and had completed reading it by the time that Elder Diggum had finished giving his order to the waitress. “Well, they haven’t picked up our move yet, or they’re ignoring it”, he said as he handed this week’s epistle to Elder Wiley. The article by Howard Doohan read:

I took a look inside of the belly of the beast of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the other day. It was not a pretty sight. The pictures of men with their families, where you couldn’t tell his children from his wives, was very disturbing. I will never get those images out of mind, and I’m glad that there are none of those folks in our area. Even the main stream Mormon’s couldn’t make a foothold in our area. I think there’s a group holding meetings in a trailer somewhere, but for the most part, they are not a player in the salvation market here.

Another non-player in our area are the Scientologists. I think they tend to setup where there’s a preponderance of rich folks, and, who can blame them? The original premise for their religion came from a science fiction writer, L. Ron Hubbard. L. Ron posited that if a fellow really wanted to get rich in life, he’d start a religion. He wrote a book called, “Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health” in 1952, that detailed his thinking about how people should live their lives. The book went into great detail about how people could psychoanalyze themselves and be able to cure themselves without the aid of doctors trained in the field. Mood altering drugs were not allowed, but it appears that mind altering drugs were. There were also people trained as “auditors”, who could help guide people in gaining “clarity”. The auditors would use something called an electropsychometer, or E-meter for short. The auditor would strap you into the E-meter and give you a reading about traumas you’ve experienced in this life, and previous ones, to help get you “clear”.

Obviously, the American Medical Authority was not happy about the Scientologists practicing medicine without a license, and they went after L. Ron and his followers. After Dianetics went into bankruptcy, L. Ron reformulated it as a religion called the Church of Scientology. With tax exempt status, and free from the attacks from the medical community, L.Ron was on his way to stardom. All he needed was a population looking for something other than a “traditional” religious experience, and he would have the road to riches paved for him. Turns out the road was paved in gold.

It’s easy to see how a science fiction writer could formulate a dialog of Creation that would blend in parts of science, and parts of fantasy, to make the Genesis appealing to people who were burned out on traditional religion. The story of Xenu, a tyrannical ruler of the “Galactic Confederacy”, who brought billions of people to Earth in spaceships 75 million years ago, is a pretty good start for a science fiction novel. Or a religion, apparently. It gets weirder from there, and I encourage further reading.

What is more interesting to me is that the Scientologists don’t seem to have a lot of moral scruples when confronted with opposition. “Do unto others as ye would have done unto you”, does not appear to be one of their tenets. There are a host of misdeeds and crimes listed on the internet for perusal. I think the attack on the IRS stands out the most to me. Maybe because it’s called the “Operation Snow White” affair, which conjures up Disney and Hollywood. A religion infiltrating the government is kind of science fiction stuff, but I guess it’s just the Scientologists getting back to their roots. They’d probably get Tom Cruise to play the lead in the movie, that is if they ever wanted the rest of the world to know what’s going on behind their closed doors. Sounds like a real Mission Impossible to me.

There are many lists of the famous Scientologists, and I guess there would be no reason to publish the non famous names. There is one name that jumps out past Tom Cruise and John Travolta to me, and that is Greta Van Susteren. I can see how a bunch of Hollywood types might get caught up in a foolish endeavor because it was trendy. I am surprised that a lawyer and journalist would not feel compelled to seek the truth about her religion. I guess, like they say, you just take some things on faith.

“Well, it’s not about us, so it’s a good column in my opinion”, said Elder Wiley as he handed the paper back to Elder Cheatum, “the young squire can continue to expose every religion in the world as far as I’m concerned, he just needs to leave us alone.”

“I hear you”, said Elder Cheatum, “I just don’t see how we’re going to get left out once we move into the Crystal Palace”. 

“I’d consider bribery”, said Elder Diggum between mouthfuls,”I just don’t know if anybody knows who he is.” “I think Doohan is a nom de plume.”

“Well…. if we were considering bribery”, began Elder Wiley, “I bet somebody knows who he is.”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen”, interjected Elder Cheatum, “Such talk is disturbing, may I suggest that we adjourn to the parking lot?” “That is if Barry doesn’t require another hog to be butchered to slake his appetite for bacon.”

Elder Diggum carefully wrapped his side order of bacon in a napkin before putting it in his jacket pocket. Once in the parking lot, the Elders agreed to not get carried away by perceived threats, but only to respond to actual threats to their mission. The three best friends bid each other goodbye as they left to perform their ‘real’ professions. In less than eight hours they would be together again, conducting church business.

 

Good morning, y’all. I think the most interesting story I’ve read recently is how our former directors of the CIA are referring to the Donald as a “Russian Doll”. It seems that the former directors, both of whom worked for Republican presidents, think that the Donald’s desperate need for flattery made him susceptible to being turned by Putin. Putin, who the directors point out never left the KGB, would be adept at exploiting the vanity of a megalomaniac. Fascinating stuff if the future of the world didn’t hang in the balance.

Speaking of balancing acts brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God.  The month of January was fairly flying by. Everyone associated with The Full Gospel Original Church of God was busier than “a one-armed paper hanger” as Elder Diggum liked to say. Elder Cheatum watched the congregation squirm into the spaces available at Sunday’s service on January 17th and marveled at the diversity before him.

As he watched the big screens in the front of the auditorium, the camera panned the crowd displaying the faces of people the Elder had never seen before. In point of fact, the Elder might have crossed to the other side of the street if he had seen some of the new acolytes out walking on the street. The new group of parishioners that were coming in from the hinterlands were as diverse a group of folks as one would ever hope to see.

“It looks like the auditions for Barnum and Bailey out there”, the Elder thought to himself.

While the Elder had grown a mild tolerance to the “body arts” as some people liked to refer to tattoos, he felt they should be of the subtle variety. The Elder realized that most young people sported an ink illustration or two, he just thought they should be out of sight. Where the Elder drew the line on “body arts” was the puncturing of perfectly good flesh and then sticking some sort of appliance through the hole. While he had long ago grown to accept the piercing of ears by women, he was horrified at the new custom of piercing noses and cheeks and lips. Piercing the tongue was so vile that the thought caused the Elder to retch.

While the Elder had gained a little acceptance of the female of the species puncturing themselves, he could not for the life of himself understand males wearing ear rings. When he looked out over the crowd, he saw a couple of males that had not only punctured their ears, but inserted something that looked like a spool for thread through the hole to make the earlobe drag like a basset hound’s.

“That can’t be good for you, can it?” the Elder thought to himself.

As Elder Wiley came over to stand next to Elder Cheatum, Elder Cheatum nodded at the big screen TV displaying the faces of the two males with spools in their ears.

“You know these folks don’t worry about my approval one iota, and I’m happy they don’t”, Elder Cheatum whispered in Elder Wiley’s ear, “but, I do believe they’re in the right spot to have their lifestyles and choices evaluated.” “I can think of a few members of the congregation that will tell the newcomers what they think of their looks straight off.”

Elder Cheatum nodded towards Amen Corner and continued, “One blast of  ‘country wisdom’ from Granny Waller should separate the curious from the confirmed right way.” “She’s never had a problem telling folks what she thinks, and at 97 years old, she’s just that much more forthcoming with her opinions; the filters are all turned off.”

Elder Wiley grinned and whispered in Elder Cheatum’s ear, “You always know where you stand with Granny Waller.”

Just then the sounds of Ted E. Bayer and the Love Fellowship blasted through the sound system as they began to play the gathering hymn. Conversation no longer possible, Elder Wiley moved to his usual spot near the front of the church . 

In this week’s message, the Reverend Helena Handbasket unleashed a blast from the fiery pit to warn the prideful of their eventual reward if they didn’t change their ways. It was not enough that, “pride would go before a fall”, but Reverend Helena Handbasket threw out a quote by T.S. Elliot that further summed up her feelings on the topic. “Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important”, was the quote. It was obvious that the quote had reached deeply into the congregation’s psyche by the pensive looks on their faces.

As Reverend Helena “preached on”, she explained that everyone should be important. “Everyone should be important to their families, their communities, and most especially, important to their church. “Your feelings of importance should come through your contributions though, and not through a sense of self importance”.

From where Elder Cheatum stood, it appeared that the Reverend Helen Handbasket was clearly issuing a challenge to the new members. As the Elder passed the collection plate from row to row, and looked at the member’s faces as they passed the plate to one another, he was struck by the thought.

“If you want to be proud of yourself, do good works in the church, don’t just show up dressed to the nines and expect to get recognition for your Bruno Maglis.” “I can roll with that”, the Elder thought to himself.

The Elder’s suspicions that the collection plate was a little heavier than usual was born out by Mulva’s deposit slips.

“Looks like people don’t mind paying a little extra to be able to feel prideful”, remarked Elder Cheatum.

Mulva looked up from her calculations and said,”I guess, I thought it was one of Reverend Helena’s best sermons, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did”, replied the Elder, “I was particularly impressed by the use of the quote from a Unitarian to drive home the point of self importance.” “I might have gone with anything from Proverbs, but you can’t argue with success.” The Elder nodded toward the bank deposit bag that was being filled by the secretary/treasurer.

“Speaking of good works for the church, how’s Bud coming with our website,” the Elder questioned.

“I think he’s trying real hard to get it going”, responded Mulva, “there’s been lots of diversions lately, and Bud is easily taken off of task.”

“That’s ok, I was just asking”, Elder Cheatum replied, “I’d just like to have it up to announce the new times and everything else we can think of”.

Elder Cheatum stood to leave and said, “Give him my best”.

“I will”, replied Mulva as she went back to her duties. The Elder left the parking lot proud of his contributions for the week.

 

Good morning, y’all. “There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee”, sorry, channeling my inner Bush to repeat an old saying about, “Dancing with the one that brung you”. Apparently the saying never reached Indiana where the Donald’s running mate Mike Pence resides. Mike Pence has had the unenviable task of walking behind the elephant and cleaning up the carnage and poop he leaves behind. Now Pence is outright breaking with the Donald’s statements and countering them with the sanitized versions we’ve all grown to expect. Come on Mike, have the strength of your convictions and stand by your man. Tammy Wynette did, and look at what success it brought her. You’ve got to dance with the one that brought you, it’s just good manners.

Speaking of ‘dancing with the one that brought you’ brings us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. After Reverend Handbasket left the room the members of the board reviewed the P&L report and Balance sheet. The church was making money like they had a printing press behind the altar. Even projecting the costs associated with paying Reverend Dale for the two additional services, and the expenses of maintaining two physical locations, the church was going to triple last year’s profits. If the move to the Crystal Palace paid the dividends the Elders suspected it would, the sky was the limit.

“I wanted to remind you to be sure and follow up with all of the new members and remind them of their vow to service”, said Elder Cheatum to Mulva, “We have no idea what skill sets are available to us until we get everyone catalogued in our database.” “Speaking of which, how are we coming with the improvements at the Crystal Palace.”

“Well, we’ve got the plumbing installation donated, but we’re going to have to buy the materials”, Mulva replied. “Constance’s husband just can’t afford both.”

“That’s fine, where are we with the HVAC”, Elder Cheatum said as he looked at Elder Wiley.

“I’ve got the condenser unit, the furnace and the installation donated,” Elder Wiley responded, “I have a client who sometimes comes in possession of unique items, and he happened to have a twenty ton unit available.” “Oddly, he also knew someone capable of doing the installation.”

Elder Cheatum raised an eyebrow at Elder Wiley before turning to Elder Diggum. “And how about the electrical?”

“Taken care of”, replied Elder Diggum, “he’ll be working after work, and it’ll probably take him a week or so, but it’s all free.” “He’s even donating the wire.”

“Good, good, now where do we stand on clean up?” Elder Cheatum asked as he looked back at Mulva.

“We’ve got crews going in every day until it’s done,” Mulva answered, “We’re using painter’s scaffolding to try clean the glass, but it’s slow going.” “We’re not as young as we used to be.”

“I’m still working on the Hispanic group of professionals”, interjected Elder Wiley, “I should know something this week.”

“That would be a blessing”, replied Mulva, “I’m not sure I’ll be able to enjoy the service if I’m going to be worried about every bird that flies overhead.”

The Elders chuckled at Mulva’s heartfelt admission.

“I heard that”, responded Elder Cheatum, “where are we coming on the landscaping and yard work?”

“We’re good, in fact, excellent”, said Mulva, “we’ve got a long list of people willing to work and donate a plant or a tree.” “We’re going to look like the Botanical Gardens if everybody comes through with their pledge.”

“That’s excellent”, said Elder Cheatum as he stood, indicating the conclusion of the meeting. “Keep the folks to their pledge, Mulva, “We’ve got the promised land in our sights, we can’t let up until we’ve crossed that river.”

“Would that be the Nottely river”, asked Elder Wiley as the group reached their cars.

“It would”, responded Elder Cheatum. The group headed off into the night to their respective destinations. Some to rest, and some to continue working on the church’s business long into the night.

Sunday’s service was filled to the brim, in spite of the freezing temperatures. People had taken to just leaving their coats in their cars to cut down on the extra space required by the outer garments. It was a sad indictment of the conditions, but, if all went well, relief was just a few more Sundays away. As Elder Cheatum watched from his ‘standing room only’ spot at the door, he was happy to see that the age demographic was decidedly turning younger. There was no denying the energy that the younger followers brought to the service.

This week’s service was on Sloth, a topic near and dear to Elder Cheatum’s heart. Reverend Helena opened her sermon by enlightening the congregation that in the Scriptures, Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins. Reverend Helena pointed out that in Ecumenical circles, “Sloth is described as a spiritual or emotional apathy, and being physically and emotionally inactive.” Reverend Helena touched a nerve with the people whose parents had taught them laziness was as sinful as drinking or smoking. The line that stuck with Elder Cheatum was, “Those of you committing the offense of sloth are not taking advantage of God’s gifts when you lay about all day doing nothing.”

“Fair point”, the Elder thought, “or as blatant a call to volunteerism as I’ve ever witnessed.”  The Elder was pleased that Reverend Helena drove that point in, time and time again.

Either the Reverend had a personal vendetta against the Slothful, or it was a topic that she was real familiar with. Either way, the Reverend ran out of TV time before she was finished delivering her message. Channel 19 in Blairsville cut away to “their regularly scheduled telecast” before the Reverend wound up. No altar call, no serpent wrangling, just a cutaway to the next show without the benefit of the call for donations. Fortunately the new ad for the Bible bookmarks was shown during the collection.

“Hopefully, the donations won’t suffer too much”, Elder Cheatum thought as he headed back to the office after services. As the Elder sat down at the table and watched the secretary/treasurer separate the cash from the checks, he marveled at how nimbly she handled the task, “Done it a million times”, he thought.

Mulva looked up from the task and in a rare moment of pique responded, “Ain’t it funny that  Reverend Helena took more than an hour to deliver a message that Granny Waller handled with, ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop and idle hands are the devil’s tools’.”

Elder Cheatum laughed and grinned at the secretary as he said, “And the message was generally followed by a smack to the back of the head as I remember.” “It always got me moving.”

The two graduates of multiple Vacation Bible Schools laughed together at the memory of the days of “spare the rod and spoil the child”.

“Well, it’s probably going to help with our calls for volunteerism this week,” Mulva said as she wrote out the deposit slips and placed the collections in the bank bag.

“Every cloud has a silver lining”, responded Elder Cheatum, “let’s hope these clouds outside aren’t carrying any precipitation.” “We’ve had our ice storm for the year, I hope.”

“The Almanac says it will be mild from here on out”, Mulva replied, “I hope it’s right.” “We’ve got a lot of work to do.”

“Speaking of”, replied the Elder, “I’m going to leave you to it.”

Suddenly the Elder was gone, leaving the secretary to conclude the church’s business for that week on her own.

 

Good morning, y’all. While we all ponder whether the Zika virus is just the first wave of the Zombie Apocalypse, it is interesting to note that one state has taken exception to the amount of compensation hospital CEO’s make, and how it relates to patient care. Arizona is taking the position that officers of a hospital should not  be paid more than the President of the United States, which is $450,000 per year. According to The Massachusetts Nurses Association, a CEO in a community hospital serving 100 people probably makes $600,000 a year. That $150,000 differential will buy a lot of band aids, or Zika vaccine. Not to mention the fact that there is only one PROTUS, and thousands of hospitals. Is it possible Arizona has gotten something right?

Speaking of big money brings us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Wednesday Night Prayer meeting was characterized by a subtle shift in the complexion of the faces of the audience. It was clear that Reverend Helena’s sermon on racial tolerance had led to the inclusion of three or four more families of color attending the service. Elder Cheatum made a mental note to himself to have Mulva follow up with the new members for inclusion in the “volunteer task force”. There was no telling what gifts the new initiates could bestow on the church.

Prayer meeting went well, and the Elder was surprised at how much he enjoyed the stylings of Ted E. Bayer and the Love Fellowship. To the band’s credit, there had been no reports of any misdeeds by the ex-cons. In fact, most of the musicians had signed membership cards for the church and had given their souls to Jesus at the altar calls.

“The Lord moves in mysterious ways”, the Elder thought as he headed for the board meeting in the office after services. The board meeting now included Reverend Helena. Although she was not a voting member yet, Elder Cheatum felt that including Reverend Helena in the meetings would give her the feeling that she had an ownership in the church. While the Elder did feel a certain kinship to the Reverend that he could not explain, his overriding thoughts were for the future of the church. Losing Reverend Helena would be a devastating loss to the congregation, not to mention to the church’s finances. Bringing the young reverend into ‘the halls of power’ could only help cement her relationship with the community. 

As Elder Cheatum sat down at the table, Mulva was finishing a story about her adventures in babysitting with the Bread brood. Reverend Dale and Alva were going out at least once a week now, and Mulva and her husband Bud were tasked with keeping the seven little ones breathing until their parents returned.

“Bud can’t figure where they’re getting the money to go out to eat and go to the movies if they don’t have the money to pay rent”, said Mulva.

Mulva paused and continued, “He gets really worked up when he sees the Ladies Auxillary delivering meals, and he gets absolutely apoplectic when it’s my turn.”

“Well, Mulva”, said Elder Cheatum, “maybe it won’t be for too much longer.” “If things go according to plan, we should be able to have Reverend Dale picking up the two services on Sunday, and that’ll bring the family a little spending money.” “Have you talked to Reverend Dale, Alvin?”

Elder Wiley looked up from his scratch pad, where he was drawing caricatures of people smoking pipes, and responded, “Yes, I did.”

“Well?”, said Elder Cheatum.

“Well, I offered him the two time slots, like we agreed upon, at the price we agreed upon, and bless Pat, he wanted to negotiate.”

“I just stood up and started to leave”, Elder Wiley continued, “I was half way to the door before he yelled he’d take it.” “I will never understand that man, or your interest in trying to rehabilitate him.” “I think he’s a lost cause.”

“But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins“, said Elder Cheatum.

“Matthew 6:15”, said Reverend Helena quietly.

“Mulva, let’s talk about something more pleasant, how are the Bible bookmarks doing?”, asked Elder Cheatum.

“We’ve gone through about eight thousand of the new batch,” Mulva replied, “and the demand seems to be slowing down some.” “I don’t know if that means we’ve saturated our market, or if we need to change up our ad so it is more appealing.”

“Good point”, said Elder Cheatum, “Barry why don’t you talk to Brother Dye over at Channel 99 and see if we can do three ads.” “We’ll rotate through them on a weekly basis.” “Shoot, we might even get repeat business with a new ad”.

“Will do”, said Elder Diggum, “By the way, I’ve been talking to them about our move, and there are going to be challenges.”

“I didn’t doubt that they’re wouldn’t be, anything they can’t handle?”, asked Elder Cheatum.

“No, not really”, said Elder Diggum, “but you’re going to be surprised at the solution.”

“Do tell”, asked Elder Cheatum.

“Well, you know they didn’t want there to be cameramen everywhere because they always wind up in the shot, and so mounting cameras was a good solution.” “The problem in the Crystal Palace is where to mount the cameras, and what to mount them to.”

The Elder allowed the group to contemplate the problem before he sprung the solution on them .

“We’re going NFL on it”, Elder Diggum fairly shouted with glee, “We’re going to suspend cameras on guy wires strung across the auditorium.” “The cameras will be controlled by a mobile truck Channel 99 is going to setup in the parking lot for the telecasts.” “We’ll have one or two cameramen inside, kind of hiding out of sight until they’re called on.” “The rest of the shots will come from the ‘flying cameras'”. “They’ll be able to look directly into Reverend Helena’s eyes, even though she’s up on the stage.”

While the group was catching its breath from the excitement of Reverend Diggum’s response, Reverend Helena was first to speak. “Well, I guess I better be sure my makeup looks right”.

“I wouldn’t worry about that”, Elder Wiley responded, “you always look just right.” “I do worry about the liability of a camera crashing down on somebody’s head.” “Who carries the liability insurance on this ‘NFL’ setup? ”

“I didn’t ask”, responded Elder Diggum, “that’s something you can put on your ‘to do’ list.” Elder Diggum continued, “I’m just thrilled that we took a real problem and turned it into a solution worthy of the finest promoters in the world.”

Elder Cheatum jumped in quickly to divert attention from the use of the word ‘promoters’ and the concept of promotion, “I’m just happy that the folks in TV land, who are housebound and unable to see Reverend Helena in person will have the opportunity to get as close to her gifts as possible”.

“Speaking of which, you must be worn out”, The Elder said as he turned to Reverend Helena, “We’ve got just a couple of other items to look at, why don’t you go out ahead and take the rest of the night off?”

“Thanks, I believe I will”, said Reverend Helena recognizing the fact that she was being excused.