Month: August 2016

Good morning, y’all. Is there anything that embodies the essence of the Olympics like the marathon? The fittest of the fit pushing themselves to the limits of human endurance. They battle the elements, each other, and themselves to compete in the ultimate race. While the gold medal is awarded to the fastest, it is still a great accomplishment to just finish. This Olympics featured an American, Galen Rupp, for the first time since Meb Keflezighi took the silver in 2004. The last American winner goes back to the 1972 Olympics with Frank Shorter taking the prize. Has the world gotten faster, or are we playing too many video games? I believe you know the answer to that question. 

Excellence in an endeavor brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God.

After completing her secretary/treasurer functions at the Crystal Palace, Mulva stopped by the Arby’s and picked up meatball subs with curly fries for supper. The smell of the freshly cooked curly fries tempted Mulva the entire way home, but she resisted their siren’s call. Watching the DVR’d telecast of the services from the Crystal Palace while eating dinner with Bud would be their “bonding” time for the day. Mulva didn’t want to cut the experience short by having eaten before she arrived.

Mulva parked at Number Two and headed straight to the Rec room office. Bud was already ensconced in the big Barcalounger, so Mulva drug a side chair from the corner along side of him. As Bud queued up the telecast Mulva distributed the food and provided soft drinks from the vending machine. While Bud sifted through the myriad of sports events and horror movies recorded on the DVR to locate the telecast, he began to speak.

“You know I want to maintain my support of the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread for obvious reasons, I also don’t want to be left out of the goings on at the Crystal Palace”, Bud said.

“It’s like Reverend Dale is the old comfortable pair of slippers you put on at the end of the day.” “Reverend Helena is like your ‘high heeled sneakers’.” Bud waxed on, “What she brings to the stage is just amazing.” “It’s like a Las Vegas magic show, with a choir and snakes.” “It’s certainly the best show in our neck of the woods.”

For the millionth time in their marriage, Mulva bit her lip and did not respond to one of Bud’s outrageous observations.

“Only Bud could make comparisons of people to shoes and church services being like Las Vegas magic shows”, Mulva thought to herself. 

With her sandwich balanced on the left arm of the chair, and her Diet Dr. Pepper balanced on the right, Mulva was ready to once again to get filled with the spirit. The big screen popped to life, and there they were, looking down on the Reverend Helena Handbasket. Just like being in person, Reverend Handbasket had appeared on the stage as if out of thin air. Mulva knew about the trap door, but chose to keep it a mystery from Bud. She was hoping that the mystery would entice Bud into attending services in person.

As if he had been reading Mulva’s mind, Bud turned to Mulva and said, “I may have to join the choir to get close enough to solve the mystery of Reverend Helena’s sudden appearance on the stage.” “I can’t stand to not know how things work.”

Reverend Helena Handbasket was dressed in a yellow robe with her customary white sash trimmed in gold. Reverend Helena’s outfit caused an immediate reaction in Mulva.

“I am no fashion pate, but the yellow robe and the Reverend’s fiery red hair do not mix.”, she thought to herself.

When the TV displayed the shot from the floor cameras, Mulva felt like the Reverend looked like a yellow tulip with red stamens and pistils.

“A good look for a tulip, but not for an Evangelical preacher”, Mulva thought.

Suffering with the most uncharitable feeling that Mulva could recall having had in a long time, Mulva could feel herself  drawing a comparison to Ronald McDonald.

“Of course the Reverend’s makeup is much better”, Mulva thought as she tried to get her feelings under control.

“I know I’m being tacky in judging by appearance”, Mulva continued to muse,”I just think for propriety’s sake, the Reverend needs to dial it down a bit”. “Not Mother Superior, mind you, but not Ringling Brothers either”.

Mulva tried to bring herself back to center by remembering the tenets of Matthew 7:1-3, “Judge not lest ye be judged”.

While the Reverend’s appearance disappointed, her sermon did not. The message was on “rendering unto Caesar”. The specific passage was Matthew 22:20-22, “Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s.” Mulva couldn’t decide it the sermon’s timing was in anticipation of tax time, or if  Reverend Helena was feeling the moral imperative to say something about all of the new “religious freedom” laws being enacted. It was probably a combination of topics.

Mulva was very sensitive to the fact that the people watching the Reverend’s sermon were not known for being in support of government intervention. That would go one hundred fold when it came time for paying taxes. The only time that the people that populated the mountains felt like the need for a strong government was when the government was being used to persecute a minority. Mulva knew that there were just some topics you didn’t discuss with your neighbors, like immigration reform, refusing service to gay people, or invading other countries.

Mulva could see that the young Reverend was trying to steer the congregation down the path that separated Jesus’s teachings from constitutional amendments. In Mulva’s opinion, Reverend Helena did a fine job of explaining how the collective that is called government is supposed to raise the standard of living for all citizens.

“It is the government’s job to champion for all of its citizens, just as it is the Christians imperative to love one another”, stated Reverend Helena.

The Reverend wound up her sermon by pointing out that when Christians force legislation that does not promote Jesus’s values, “they are not rendering unto God what is God’s”.

Mulva could sense the backs and necks stiffening of the congregation even over the airwaves. The coup de grace was delivered when the Reverend pointed out that withholding taxes or other support for the government was not following Jesus’s teachings in Matthew 22:20-22, And He said to them, “Whose image and inscription is this?”

They said to Him, “Caesar’s.”

And He said to them, “Render therefore to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.”

When they had heard these words, they marveled, and left Him and went their way.

The testament of faith was performed flawlessly and all of the serpents were returned to their box, no less the wear. The altar call was disappointing, though. Mulva was convinced that the congregation was stunned by the news that Jesus didn’t support hating, and, Jesus wanted them to pay their taxes. The congregation sat in the pews after the altar call like they were glued to their seats. The followers seemed to be more interested in their own thoughts than they were in getting up and exulting the Lord with dance.

Mulva was sure there would be plenty of  feedback from the Elders at the board meeting after Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting. Mulva did not look forward to their assessment of the service. If she wanted more discord in her life she’d just disagree with Bud about something. Rather than testing her theory, she left Bud sleeping soundly in the Barcalounger. 

 

Good morning, y’all. While Ryan Lochte is twittering the world with his apologies for his abhorrent behavior, the man that needs no apologies, Usain Bolt, is crushing the world with his speed. Bolt, like his name implies, flashed by everybody to become the fastest man in the world for three consecutive Olympics. It is an incredible feat, and the fact that Bolt can do it with such ease is remarkable. Bolt is the first man to hold both the 100 metres and 200 metres world records at the same time, and appears to be just having fun doing it.

Speaking of having fun brings us back around the telling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Mulva decided to switch locations this week to catch the services at the Little Church In The Valley. The weather had turned bitterly cold again, threatening snow and ice, and Mulva didn’t want to risk the possibility of being trapped in town by an ice storm.

“The Crystal Palace doesn’t need my support as much as the old location does”, thought Mulva as she drove into the parking lot, “Certainly Reverend Helena doesn’t need my patronage”. Mulva reflected on the fact that the Elders were afraid that due to her meteoric success the young Reverend might get called away by a bigger congregation. Mulva smiled inwardly. She was confident that Reverend Helena was going to stay for as long as their church would have her.

“Even if she has become the Elton John of the Evangelical set”, thought Mulva, “I don’t think there’s enough tea in China to pull her away from our church”. Mulva was aware that the move to the Crystal Palace had placed Reverend Helena in a rather unique situation. There were only two or three Evangelical churches in the country that were larger than the Crystal Palace. All of them had bigger TV markets, but Reverend Helena’s market was growing exponentially. The fact that local restrictions in big cities like Dallas, Houston and Charlotte didn’t allow for the handling of serpents was a big plus for Reverend Helena.

“True believers can see something in our telecasts that the folks in the big cities can’t see”, thought Mulva, “although the testament of faith as performed by Reverend Helena is not her strongest job qualification”. “What she lacks in her testament of faith is more than made up in her message though.” “She is saying things in her sermons that need to be said, I just don’t know that a man would ever say them.” “I love her for that”, Mulva thought.

Mulva walked into church to find Alva Bread and her brood already sitting square in the middle of the church. Rather than slipping into her usual spot in the third row, Mulva slid in the pew next to Alva and held out her arms for a baby. Alva had plenty to spare, and she handed Mulva the two year old who was drooling heavily.

“He’s teething”, explained Alva as she fussed with the one year old, “just let him gnaw on your finger, he’ll be fine.” Mulva extended the pointer finger of her right hand and the little one latched onto it like a dog with a soup bone. While the gnawing was uncomfortable, it was not painful, and Mulva bore the call to service with the quiet dignity that she always did. 

“I felt like I needed to be counted in attendance at the ‘The Little Church In The Valley’ today”, Mulva said over the head of the child in her lap,”I feel I need to show my support for Reverend Dale.”

“We appreciate it,” Alva said as she reached over to untangle the two older children as they wrestled on the pew.

Mulva looked about the church and did a quick head count. The attendance was about half of what it used to be at the little church before Reverend Dale’s accident. The congregation consisted of the diehards who wouldn’t go into town, and the folks who were morbidly watching for a repeat of the Reverend Dale’s famous incident. There were also those who were romantically linked to the Right Reverend, and Mulva just put a guess on those by gender and age group. Mulva figured the age span for those females who were possibly linked to the Right Reverend was from 18 to 55.

  “I don’t want the Elders to close our little church”, thought Mulva, “I just hope Reverend Dale can contain his urges for the good of his family and our community.”

Between distractions by assorted members of the Bread brood, Mulva listened to their Daddy’s sermon. The Right Reverend did a fine job of delivering his message entitled, “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself”. It was a good, well thought out theme. It was so good that it set Mulva’s mind to wondering.

“I don’t know that anybody ever needs to preach anything else”, she thought, “but I know they will”. “Churches sure enough would go broke if week after week they just taught the Golden Rule”. “It would be like the preacher standing up behind the pulpit saying, ‘that’s it, that’s all I’ve got’.” 

Mulva continued to muse while the collection was being passed. From her own experience she knew how the little church competed with every distraction that a motivated mind could conjure up. Whether it was hunting, fishing, or just plain laziness, the church was always behind the eight ball when trying to attract male parishioners. When you throw in the just completed “March Madness” or the nine months that comprise the NFL season, it was a wonder that there were ever any male bodies in the pews. Mulva remembered the time back in the beginning of Reverend Dale’s tenure when the Elders threatened to fine the Reverend ten dollars for every minute he ran past noon.

The Elders had reasoned that most men could be corralled into attending a Sunday service if it didn’t go past noon. Their thinking was that the average man was willing to forego a few minutes of in depth analysis by NFL retirees for the potential salvage of their immortal souls. But, they cautioned, once the service started slipping towards kickoff, all bets were off.

Elder Wiley had made what he thought was a funny joke about folks that celebrate their Sabbath on Saturday.

“I don’t think there’s a male in these parts that would darken the doors of a church if he thought there was any chance he’d miss kickoff”, Elder Wiley waxed, “There’s religion, and there’s worship, it’s important to know the difference”.

Fortunately, Reverend Dale heeded the Elders advice today, and he slipped the last serpent back in the box by twelve noon. Mulva handed the sleeping baby back to its mother and headed back to the office to do her count. Once finished, she would head to Blairsville to perform the same function, weather permitting. With any luck, she’d be able to watch the DVR’d telecast of the services from the Crystal Palace while she ate dinner back at home at TackyToo.

As she drove to Blairsville, Mulva hoped Bud had remembered to set the DVR. He suffered from ‘selective memory’ sometimes.

 

Good morning, y’all. You know when you look at the sum of a person’s life you’re supposed to ignore the anomalies, the outliers, and concentrate on the overall sum and essence of the person. So, from the point of Ryan Lochte’s experience, I need to weigh the green hair and false condemnation of a country and it’s people against all of his good works, which I am unable to uncover. I guess the next thing we’ll see is Lochte at a Trump rally and then we’ll have the full measure of the man. Sad, so sad.

Speaking of sad brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. When we left the story, the Reverend Helena Handbasket had moved to the front of the altar in the church and was awaiting the serpents to begin her testament of faith. Normally the protocol calls for the pastor to do whatever maneuvers they’re going to do with the snakes before the lost souls approach the Reverend for a blessing. If the lost souls don’t feel like handling a serpent, the serpent is passed off to a wrangler or another “spirit filled” member of the church to be looked after while the Reverend blesses the repentant. The blessing generally takes the form of a few words said in some foreign language like Sanskrit, and then a sharp blow to the top of the head so that the sinner can feel the power of the Lord. The initiate is then free to join the testament of faith, lay prostrate where they fell, or return to their seat.

Reverend Handbasket had just started into her exultation dance when the first lost soul reached her. Reverend Helena had not had the opportunity to “warm up” the serpents prior to their introduction to the crowd scene that was gathering in front of the altar. The crush of people wanting to have the Reverend “lay hands” on them threw off the normally tightly controlled environment. The serpent wranglers and their charges were getting separated by the followers who just wanted to get a little closer to the aura being spread by the young  Reverend.

As Elder Cheatum looked at the mob scene unfolding before him his thoughts went to the enormous liability issues that were being exposed.

“I don’t know how she does it”, he thought to himself, “I guess I shouldn’t question whatever or wherever her power comes from.” As the Elder watched the crowd continue to crush forward he headed for his post at the front door.”If we get out of this without any trips to the hospital, it will be a miracle”, he thought.

Back at the altar, acolytes were dancing with all of their might, filled with the spirit of the Lord. The followers were passing serpents from one to another, and speaking in tongues like it was as normal as going roller skating. If Channel 99 had felt cheated by the previous week’s final act, they were more than compensated by the tableau playing out before them.

Eventually the energy died down and the wranglers collected all of the serpents and placed them safely back in their boxes. The choir raised its voice in, “We’ll Meet Again”, while the congregation closed their eyes in prayer. The benediction was delivered by Elder Diggum so that the Reverend could slip back up on the stage and disappear using the trap door designed to raise and lower the baptismal pool that was hidden under the stage. It was fortunate that the guy wire controlling Channel 99’s overhead camera did not run over the stage or the Reverend’s magical appearances and disappearances would have been revealed.

Reverend Helena arrived at the office of the Crystal Palace to find Mulva already counting the proceeds from the collection plates. “I don’t know how you do it”, said the Reverend throwing her robes over her head revealing jeans and a sweatshirt underneath, “I know you’re married and have children and grandchildren, but it seems like you’re always doing the church’s business.” The Reverend ran a brush through her hair a few times before pausing for Mulva’s answer.

“Well, I guess I was taught that we are all to give of the gifts we have and this seems to be the best way I can help”, replied Mulva, as she continued separating the cash from the checks.

“We can’t all be super-stars”, Mulva said grinning at the Reverend, “besides, I’m going to do something fun right after I leave here.” “You’re invited if you want to come along.”

“I’m going to beat a path back to Nunsuch before I do anything controversial”, said Reverend Helena. She opened the door to the office just as Elder Cheatum was entering from the other side, almost causing the Elder to fall into the room. 

“Too late”, the Reverend said as she exited, “See you all in church”.

“Anything I should know about”, Edler Cheatum asked the secretary/treasurer.

“No, we’re all good here”, answered Mulva, “I’m meeting Bud for lunch before I head back to Nunsuch, you’re welcome to join if you like.”

“Thanks, I’ve got other plans”, the Elder replied, “If you’ve got it all under control I’ll leave you to it”.

Mulva was pleased to find that most of the “church crowd” had already eaten and left the IHOP when she arrived. There were just a few couples lingering on. She found Bud sitting in a booth near a couple that struck her as familiar. Mulva watched the couple surreptitiously, but couldn’t place them. Mulva sneaked looks at the couple while she watched Bud devour two double dipped French Toasts with side orders of ham, bacon and hash browns. Mulva was happy with her patty-melt and fries.

The man was more familiar, and while he appeared to be in his early seventies, he looked in pretty good condition. The woman looked much older than the man, and was bent from old age. Finally Mulva was struck with the recollection of who the couple were. They were Seniors in high school when she had been a Freshman. They were the “couple” back then. Rusty and Diane Stover.

Randy was the Big Man On Campus back then. He was a football player and Diane was the head cheerleader. Randy looked good considering. He seemed to have most of his hair, though it was all grey now. Diane had not aged nearly as well. Her face was wrinkled and her body was very bent over.

“Probably osteoporosis”, Mulva thought.

The couple seemed to be having a spirited discussion with themselves and Mulva pointed out the couple to Bud, thinking that it was pretty cool that they were joking and jibing with each other after fifty plus years of marriage. The couple even included Levon, their server, in their repartee. Randy and Diane were very demonstrative about their order, and very specific. Diane wanted a stack of pancakes with just whip cream on top, not butter, and no syrup. Randy wanted the “Breakfast Sampler”, with no ham. Could Levon substitute the ham with pork sausage patties? Levon could.

Mulva thought that it was funny watching them order because it was like they were a couple of epicures in a restaurant in France, giving very specific instructions to the maitre d. Their enthusiasm for their order was cute because it was like they were taking an adventure together. Levon was leaving to get their drinks when Diane told “Thomas” that she just wanted water with no ice. Randy corrected Diane’s misuse of Levon’s name, and Levon laughed it off by saying Diane could call him Thomas if she wanted to. Levon went off to get their order placed and Randy and Diane continued on an undercurrent of conversation.

Mulva was mulling over the question of whether to introduce herself now or wait until after everyone had finished eating. Rather than disturb Bud’s passion with his plate, she decided to wait. While waiting for Levon to return with their orders, Randy and Diane kept up a fairly brisk conversation. Occasionally, Diane would say a word louder than the rest of the conversation, but it seemed like it just might be part of a jibing, teasing routine that couples get into sometimes. Mulva imagined it was like her conversations with Bud, “you never pick up your dirty socks” with a response of, “I leave them in the floor where they’re easy to find”.

Finally, Levon returned with everyone’s meals, and Diane was effusive in her praise of her pancakes. She couldn’t thank “Manny” enough for his excellent service. Mulva picked up on the second misnaming of the waiter.

“Diane’s attempt to use the waiter’s name is socially commendable, but it’s getting awkward since she keeps using the wrong name”, Mulva thought to herself.

Randy’s attempts to correct Diane were visibly upsetting Diane. Diane was getting louder and louder and her conversation had veered to talks of “leaving me” and being “done with me”. Randy appeared to be trying to calm Diane in a moderate tone while Diane’s voice rose above his with random city’s names throw out loud enough to be heard throughout the restaurant. “Thank God there’s nobody else here to hear this”, Mulva thought as she looked around the nearly empty restaurant.

Mulva was overcome by a wave of sadness. Diane was suffering from dementia. Mulva’s brain transposed pictures of the head cheerleader at the top of the pyramid, with the woman who was now accusing her husband of “wanting to leave her in Pittsburgh so he could spend the rest of her money”. Randy implored Diane to calm down, “she was creating a scene”. Eventually, Diane was able to talk in a quieter tone, but one laced with anger and acrimony.

As Bud and Mulva paid their bill, Mulva overheard one of the other customers make a crack about having “dinner and a floor show”. It took all of Mulva’s Christian values to resist the urge to blast the wise-cracker. She also resisted her previous urge to reminisce with Randy and Diane.

“That ship has sailed”, Mulva thought as she and Bud headed back to Nunsuch.



 

Good morning, y’all. I guess we’ve got some birds of a feather flock together news as the Donald announces his most recent campaign shakeup. The pro-Russia Paul Manafort appears to be headed for the sidelines as the pro-misogyny Roger Ailes moves in. I guess as long as he surrounds himself with haters, it’s all the same to the Donald. Although I suspect the Donald will feel more comfortable with an abuser of women and someone who never let the truth get in the way of his narrative. May they go down in flames together.

Speaking of going down in flames brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The three friends walked into the office of the Little Church in the Valley after Wednesday Night’s Prayer meeting to a spirited argument about women’s rights.

Reverend Helena was talking and seemed to be full of vinegar, “One of the things that should be in everyone’s control is parenthood.” “Whether or not to have a child should totally be up to the parents.” “I guess in a perfect world we would want two happy well adjusted people who really loved children and would do right by them to be parents.” “Failing that, at least one of the parents should meet that criteria.”

The Reverend drew a breath and continued, “In my mind, you have to have the mother’s total 100 percent buy in, or it’s a nonstarter.” “I don’t think I’m being sexist, or old school, I think I’m being pragmatic.” “If the mother can’t commit to 100 percent love and devotion to a child, she should have an out.”

The Reverend turned her head slightly towards the male members of the group as she said,  “No, I’m not talking about adoption or orphanages.” “The horror of state run orphanages and places like the Sisters of Magdalene are well documented.” “The potential mother should have a choice about when to exercise her lifetime commitment to raising a child, if ever.”

Elder Cheatum was first to speak, “I don’t know exactly what you’re advocating here, but we, and the people of our community, represent very conservative, Christian values.” 

“Well, to your first point, conservative values”, replied Reverend Helena, “you must not mean fiscal conservative.” “As far back as 1972, the Rockefeller Commission determined that a liberalized abortion policy superseded a reduction in crime eighteen years in the future.”      “Those statistics were further confirmed in a study done by Steven Levitt of the University of Chicago and John Donohue of Yale University in 2001.” “Their study concludes that the states with a high abortion rate have also experienced the greater reduction in crime.” “So, you can’t argue with those facts if you’re a ‘fiscal conservative’.”

Reverend Helena used the stunned silence to continue, “The study conclusively points out that unwanted children become society’s burden in the future.” “It would seem that true conservatives should be in favor of molding a society where the ‘unwanted’ children would not be disrupting classrooms, creating crimes of varying degrees of sophistication and violence before finally being moved into the prison system.” “The average cost to house a criminal in prison is $32,000 a year.” “It would seem that true conservatives would prefer these children to be taxpayers, not taxtakers, that is unless it’s not about ‘fiscal’ values.”

Elder Cheatum stammered, “How on Earth did we get on this topic, I find this totally inappropriate for our meeting.”

Reverend Helena drew her breath and continued, “And that brings us back to the second part of your statement, ‘Christian values’.” “I am alarmed at the “holier than thou” elements that our faith has attracted over the years.” “These folks would like for us to turn back the clock to the “Scarlet Letter” days.” “Rather than a letter sown onto their dress to signify their sin of fornication, the ‘modern’ Christians would prefer the woman have a child to carry as a constant reminder of her sin.”

Reverend Helena continued to drive it home when she said,  “I think all of the concern about ‘fetal pain’ and the ‘beginning of life’ are just red herrings designed to draw us away from these so-called Christians true motivation.” “These people want the woman to pay for her sin, and they are not content to wait for Judgement Day.” “They want her to pay now, and in the hereafter.” “They want a woman to wear her sin.”

The Elders were completely speechless, they didn’t know whether to attempt to argue, pretend to agree, or adjourn the meeting.  Before they could decide, Reverend Helena made the decision for them.

Reverend Helena stood to leave and said, “I’ll just finish this up by saying I’m for free, on demand birth control, whatever shape it takes.” “There should be a Planned Parenthood office every hundred feet if necessary to keep unwanted children born.” “Bob Barker used to end each show by reminding everyone to have their pet spayed or neutered.” “Are we more concerned about unwanted pets than we are children?” “As a follower of the teachings of Jesus Christ, I hope not.”

And then Reverend Helena left the room with the members of the committee looking at one another with dazed confusion. It was a full minute before anyone spoke.

“What got that started”, Elder Cheatum asked as he looked at Mulva.

“I don’t rightly know”, Mulva replied, “I was telling her that I thought Alva Bread might be pregnant again, and what a blessing it was, and then you all kind of walked into the middle of it.” “She obviously has some very strong feelings on the subject.”

“Another bun in the oven”, replied Elder Diggum attempting to make a pun with the Bread name, “or should I say a biscuit?”

“You should say as little as possible”, said Elder Wiley, “Remember it’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.”

Turning to Mulva, Elder Wiley said, “I would have thought Reverend Helena would have been as happy as a clam after Sunday.” “Is there anything else going on?”

“Not that I’m aware of”, replied Mulva, “she seemed okay until I told her about Ava, and then it was like she’d been struck by a bolt of lightning.” “I don’t think I’ve actually seen or heard her express her personal beliefs so strongly before.”

“Well, since that outburst was confined to our group I guess we’ll let it go,” determined Elder Cheatum, “but if any of that heresy gets to anyone outside of our group, Reverend Helena will have to be dealt with.” “Now, to more important things, how’d we do?”

“Well, money is still coming in from TV land, but the collection plate at the Crystal Place was over twelve thousand dollars”, replied Mulva, “I think we’ll get at least that much from TV land and then you can add in about twelve hundred dollars from the Little Church”. 

“So we’ll be over twenty-five thousand for the week”, asked Elder Wiley.

“Absolutely, I’m being conservative on the TV land money, cause, you know you can’t count it until it’s in your hand”, answered Mulva.

“Well that’s where our growth has to come from”, replied Elder Cheatum, “I don’t see us packing any more bodies in the Crystal Place.”

“Shame we couldn’t pass the plate to the people standing around the broadcast truck”, said Elder Diggum.

“We could put donation envelopes and a collection box out there”, replied the secretary/ treasurer.

“Let’s hold off on that”, replied Elder Cheatum, “that crowd probably has more advertising value than they would contribute.” “Let’s not scare them off by charging admission.”

“Okay, I’m going to call it a night if there’s nothing else”, Elder Cheatum said as he rose to leave, “if anything turns up….”

“Just turn it back over”, answered Elders Wiley and Diggum.

“Is he okay”, asked Mulva after Elder Cheatum left.

“I think the young reverend is proving to be quite the challenge, not that Reverend Dale isn’t a challenge still”, answered Elder Wiley.

“But we’ll leave him for another time”, Elder Wiley said as he stood to leave.

“See you in church”, the duo of Elders said to the secretary/ treasurer as they left her with her paperwork.

“A man’s work is from Sun to Sun, but a woman’s work is never done”, thought Mulva as she watched the Elders leave.

Good morning, y’all.  I’m sure that everyone who has turned a blind eye to the excess and evil that is the insurance industry in America was surprised by Aetna’s announcement that they were going to pull out of Obamacare because extending coverage to sick people was screwing with their bottom line. In truth, Aetna is just following through with their threat to pull out of healthcare if they weren’t allowed to merge with Humana. So I guess Aetna does keep some of their promises.

Speaking of truth brings us back around to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Reverend Dale had just called Mulva Lite to receive the news from the new location in Blairsville.

“Tell me everything”, said Reverend Dale, “don’t leave out a thing.”

“Well”, Mulva began, “When we got here Channel 99 had a camera on top of their truck that was just filming the outside of the Crystal Palace.” “After a bit that camera just settled on the crowd of people that was watching the inside of the church on the big screen mounted outside of the broadcast truck.”

Mulva continued, “I’d guess that there must have been a hundred or more souls crowded in around the truck.” “There was no more room inside and the people were just trying to capture as much of the live experience as they could, I guess.” “I suspect that the people outside were hopeful that some of Reverend Helena’s powers might rub off on them, even though they were two hundred feet or so from the altar.”

“Are you telling me there were a hundred people standing outside in the cold watching the services on TV”, asked Reverend Dale.

“Yes”, answered Mulva.

“My God, what was it like inside”, questioned Reverend Dale

“Well, when the TV camera switched to inside the auditorium, the camera that is hanging on the guy wire moved back and forth across the auditorium”, Mulva continued, “It was kind of spooky, you couldn’t hear it or anything.” “It just showed pictures from all over and you didn’t see any camera men running around.”

“What was the crowd like”, Reverend Dale asked.

“Well from the overhead shot you could see it was standing room only”, Mulva said. “I can only imagine what the Blairsville Fire Department might think of the scene.” “People were packed cheek to jowl, and I suspect there would not have been room for even Granny Waller if she had decided to attend, and you know how skinny she is.” ” It was really, really crowded in the sanctuary.”

“Wow”, said Reverend Dale, “I can’t imagine that kind of crowd. ” “Tell me about the service.”

Mulva’s voice dropped a little lower, like the narrator of a story as she said, “The house lights dimmed, and then ‘poof’, there she was.” “They had this one lonely spotlight on her, and  Reverend Helena was standing in the middle of the stage with her arms reaching out towards Heaven”.

Mulva’s voice took on a more excited tone as she said, “Reverend Helena was dressed in purple robes that looked shiny like they were made of satin.” “Her sash was white, trimmed in gold, with gold tassels on the end.”

Mulva continued excitedly with her fashion report, “That gorgeous red hair of hers looked especially nice.” “You could just see the sparkles of light reflecting from the spotlight on her hair as she walked to the pulpit.” “When she got to the pulpit, all of the lights in the church came on and the choir began to sing ‘Are You Washed In The Blood'”. “It was magic.”

“What did the congregation think”, asked Reverend Dale, “was it too much show?”

“I’d have to say”, began Mulva,” that if there was ever an audience that was totally engaged from the get-go, this one was.” “I swear it was as if Reverend Helena had somehow reached out with her mind to send a message into the soul of each and every member of the congregation.” “It was magic.”

“How was the sermon”, asked Reverend Dale, “was it the same old Easter message?”

“You know, when Reverend Helena retold the story of the life of Jesus”, said Mulva, “you could see that the whole crowd was following with all of their attention.” “If Reverend Helena looked to the right to see where the stone from Jesus’s crypt had been rolled back, the crowd looked right.” “When Reverend Helena raised her arms to Heaven beseeching the Lord, the crowd raised their arms.”  “It was like watching the crowd drawing all of their energy from Reverend Helena.”

“Wow”, said Reverend Dale, “how was the altar call?”

“When Reverend Helena gave the audience a ‘promise of cleansing all of their misdeeds, a rebirth’, the audience absolutely heard her call.” Mulva continued,  “As the choir began to sing “Just As I Am”,  I swear the whole crowd rose up at the same time and rushed into the space in front of the altar.” ” There must have been a hundred souls crowded into a two hundred square foot area, and more people trying to force their way in.”

“I imagine she handled the testament of faith okay”, asked Reverend Dale.

“You wouldn’t have believed it.” “There were so many folks filled with the spirit of the Lord, dancing to beat the band, wherever they could find space”, answered Mulva, “people were rolling about on the floor just oblivious to the rest of the world.” “Truth is, the crowd was packed so tight trying to get close to receive Reverend Helena’s blessing, that the testament of faith was cancelled.”

“What”, asked Reverend Dale incredulously.

“Well, I can’t say that cancelled is the right word”, Mulva replied, “The two guys that are supposed to deliver the box of snakes to the Reverend could not get through to her.” “The crowd was packed in that tight.”

“Well how do you think the TV people are going to feel about that”, asked Reverend Dale, “that’s the most important part of the service.” “Believe me, I know.”

“Honestly, I can’t say that anyone should feel cheated by the change in the program”, Mulva answered, “Maybe Channel 99 will complain, we’ll just have to see what they say.” “I can probably watch the comments on the Channel 99 website and see what viewers think.”

“I’m pretty sure that the testament of faith plays better to a TV audience”, replied Reverend Dale, “Although, I’ve never had the experience myself”. “I’m sure that Channel 99 has got an audience watching the Testament of Faith that would never consider darkening the doors of an Evangelical church.”

Reverend Dale continued to wax on, “I bet some of those viewers might feel cheated by the loss of witnessing a woman wrangling poisonous vipers.” 

“Maybe, I know I don’t”, replied Mulva, “I just don’t know how you could top what I witnessed today.” “This was a Hall of Fame service, it there is such a thing for Evangelical preachers.”

“Well, thanks for the report”, said Reverend Dale, “I guess I’ve got the afternoon off now that the new church is open.” “Maybe I’ll see you later”.

“Of course you will”, answered Mulva, “Bud’s grilling two chickens today, and one of them is for you all.”

“Well thanks again, and we’ll see you later, bye for now”, said Reverend Dale.

“Bye”, answered Mulva as she went back to counting the collection. At the rate she was going, she might be eating her chicken for supper.

 

Good morning, y’all. So Ford announced today that they are going to be selling self-driving cars  in five years. Hmmmmm. So when Tesla and BMW actually are testing self-driving cars right now, they are getting a load of grief. Ford on the other, gets treated like, “oh sure, Ford’s going to be doing it, no problem”. Well, as one who remembers the Pinto and a lot of other epic Ford failures, I am at a loss as to explain while the press is not asking more questions. Maybe Ford let the press know they were going to use the Tesla system once it was perfected. It does give Tesla five years to work the kinks out.

Speaking of working the kinks out brings us back around to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The members, past and present, that received the Ladies Auxillary’s invitations to come to church had to read the invitations carefully to realize that it was going to be this Easter Sunday that the Crystal Palace was going to hold its first service. The parishioners that inadvertently showed up at the church of their parents and grandparents were greeted by the ongoing experiment of the Little Church in the Valley.

The “backsliders” who had not attended church in the last year were rather amazed at the look of the old church. What once was  a quaint little shotgun style country church had been morphed into something different. Not necessarily good different, but very, very different. The two trailers added to either side of the existing church to expand the auditorium looked like a bad Legos experiment. The trailer that had been added first, on the left side, was white, the color of the church. The trailer added last, on the right side, was beige. With out the familiar front door and the ringing of the church bell to call them in, the Chreasters (Christmas and Easter attendees) would have been lost. First impressions are important, as they say, and their little church now had a face only a mother could love. For the many who had not gone through the church’s recent growing pains, it was dispiriting to see the old church tarted up this way.

All of the worshipers that had not been in attendance for a while were not surprised to see the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread at the helm. In spite of the fact that the majority of the crowd was at the other location, Reverend Dale planned on redeeming himself with the flock he had been given.  It had always been said that Reverend Dale’s Easter sermon was his number two service, with Christmas being his best effort. Reverend Dale planned on “bringing it” to the followers who had decided to stay in the old location. Some of the old fixtures were still in place. Granny Waller was front and center like the Rock of Gibraltar, or Ages. Hugh Morris was in his usual spot, just as if he didn’t go home from Sunday to Sunday. Constance Whiner was sitting off to the right side in one of the new trailer additions. Apparently Constance liked the image projected to her on the big screen TV rather than looking up at the live minister speaking to her from the pulpit.

Ophelia Bottoms was leading the choir with a strong assist from Evan “Bubba” Hawker . There was no doubt that his deep bass voice made an excellent background to the choir. While Bubba Hawker was not known to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, he did have the hymnal memorized backwards, forwards and sideways. Forty years of church services five times a week will help imprint those long term memories. It was also said that he could deliver fifty different sermons if the conditions were right and someone got him started with the first sentence or so. Bubba was always on standby if needed.

To the casual observer it was somewhat surprising to see one of the younger members of the church, Anita Goodman, sitting dead center in the auditorium. She was sitting about four rows back from where Alva Bread sat with her brood. Most of the under forty set had followed the Reverend Handbasket to the Crystal Palace and Ms. Goodman seemed somewhat out of place in a congregation that now resembled Bingo Night at the Senior Center. Even the C&E members who had been roused to attend services by the Ladies Auxilary were all well past fifty. Right Reverend Dale was ministering to a flock that had one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. He would have never predicted his fate would be the one that was playing out before him.

Regardless of the octogenarian status of his followers, it was the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread’s task to cast the demons out and to let the spirit take over. In spite of not having the background singers and musicians and the overall persona of the Reverend Handbasket, the Right Reverend did put on a fine show. When he led the choir in “Up From The Grave He Arose” at the end of the service, everybody that could, stood. Most of the pepole in the audience were already stomping their feet when the Right Reverend went into his “tap dance for Jesus” at the testament of faith.

The Right Reverend was truly having a testament of faith of his own as he began wrangling the serpents. He did a fine job, and everyone in the little church was happy that there had been no altercations between the serpents and the Reverend. One of the “backsliders” did mention to an acquaintance after the service that there were no serpents over three feet long. “I’m not saying that they’re not just as deadly, I’m just saying that there were no ‘big boys’ out on the floor”, the skeptic was overhead saying.

Fortunately, the Right Reverend did not overhear the slight. With his wife and two paramours in attendance he felt like he had juggled the most deadly situation deftly. After he shook the last hand at the front door, Reverend Dale called Mulva to get an update on the service at the Crystal Palace. In spite of all of the hurt feelings and misunderstandings, Reverend Dale wished Reverend Helena well. He felt that his future success was tied to hers.

 

Good morning, y’all. Wow, the one thing you don’t want to have happen while one of the presidential candidates is running on a “law and order” ticket are riots. It seems Milwaukee is boiling over from years and years of abusive treatment by the police and the latest shooting of a black man is turning into a state of martial law. The National Guard has been called in, and a curfew implemented. Unfortunately, now the Donald has something to scream about. “Coming to a city near you, riots, if I am not elected.” “Only I can create racial harmony.” “Witness my efforts with the Muslims and Mexicans”. Crazy, crazy.

Speaking of crazy brings us back to the retelling of the history of  The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Elders met in Gainesville that Sunday night for dinner and damage control. After they placed their orders, Elder Diggum was first to speak.

“I think the folks at Channel 99 are tickled pink”, he said, “their only suggestion was to give them a heads up next time and they’ll setup the cameras and stuff before Reverend Helena arrives.”

“If there is a ‘next time'”, replied Elder Cheatum, “the location will be pre approved by us.” “There will be no more spur of the moment raids on local businesses by Reverend Helena”.

“Did you convey that message to her”, asked Wiley.

“I did, but I did not go any deeper than the fact that the church was concerned with how we would be portrayed to the viewing audience”, answered Elder Cheatum, “and the liability issues, of course, if one of our congregation got themselves hurt.”

“Good, people relate more to the threat of a suit than anything you can say to them,” replied Elder Wiley, “you can explain stuff to people until you’re blue in the face and they won’t get it sometimes.” “You tell them they could get sued and they don’t need to understand anymore, they’re happy to back off.”

“Well, that might be where we are with Reverend Helena, she says it was strictly a ‘spur of the moment’ thing”, said Elder Cheatum.

“So she doesn’t know anything about ‘Tres Amigos'”, asked Elder Diggum.

“Not that I am aware”, replied Elder Cheatum, “I think it would take a very motivated, very knowledgeable person to track down the holdings of ‘Tres Amigos'”.

“That’s how I planned it”, said Elder Wiley as the steaks arrived. 

Confident that Reverend Handbasket would not go off script again, and the fact that their involvement in several less than sanctified businesses was secure from prying eyes, the Elders dug into their meal with great zeal, or ‘mucho gusto’ as Tres Amigos might say.

The board meeting after Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting was filled with tension. Reverend Handbasket was still feeling like she was in the doghouse after having encountered the wrong side of Elder Cheatum for two weeks in a row. While the Reverend was smiling politely, and trying to follow Mulva’s story of babysitting the Bread children, she wasn’t really that engaged. When Mulva delivered the punch line to her story about the Bread children watching ‘It’s The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown’, she had to be prompted to respond.

“And then Bud said, ‘ I think that it ‘s better for children to think Easter is about a beagle and a bird named Woodstock than nailing somebody up to a cross.'”, said Mulva, “can you imagine?”

“Well, maybe the crucifixion is a little intense for young children, maybe that’s what Bud was trying to say”, replied Reverend Helena, “I’m sure he didn’t mean anything sacrilegious”.

“I guess”, replied Mulva, “it’s just lucky for Bud that Reverend Dale and Alva came back then because I was about to jerk a knot in his tail.”

“Ladies, ladies, if we could proceed”, said Elder Cheatum, “our time is short, let’s make the most of it.” “I guess the big question is, are we ready?”

Elder Diggum was first to reply.

“Channel 99 has got everything ready to roll, he said, “the guy wire across the auditorium works like a charm and has been heavily tested.” “Reverend Helena can move just about anywhere in the auditorium and still be able to be followed by the overhead camera.”

Elder Diggum continued, “She’ll be wearing a microphone in a pendant attached to her robes that will transmit her voice via her backpack to the sound system.” “The range is about fifty yards with no degradation in quality”.

“You’ll have complete freedom of movement”, Elder Diggum said as he looked at the Reverend.

The Reverend gave a listless, “good”, in response.

Elder Cheatum ignored the Reverend’s lack of excitement, if he noticed, and continued with his checklist. “I assume all local ordinances have been checked and there are no legal stumbling blocks to our holding church on Sunday?”, the Elder said as he looked at Elder Wiley.

Elder Wiley looked up from his doodles and replied, “We’re as sound as the pound.” “We’ll have to gauge the impact of the turnout to parking spaces available in our lot and on the streets.” “There may be some issues there, but we’ll deal with them as we need to.” “I say we’re a go.”

“Well, Mulva”, asked Elder Cheatum, “how are you and the Ladies Auxilary feeling?”

“I guess we’re as ready as we can be without knowing how many folks are going to show up”, Mulva answered. “We sent out roughly ten thousand ‘invitations to church'”, Mulva continued, “that’s all of our old membership rolls and all of the new folks requesting Bible bookmarks.”

“If they all show up, I don’t know what we’ll do”, Mulva said with a look on her face that indicated that she thought there was some possibility that it might actually happen.

“Well, don’t let that keep you awake at night”, said Elder Cheatum as he turned to Reverend Helena. “How about you, are you ready?”

“Sure”, replied the Reverend, “anything special you all want me to talk about, or am I free to go as the spirit moves me?”

“I think we’ll trust your feelings”, said Elder Cheatum, “unless you’re going to try to tell everyone that this the year that the Braves make it back to the World Series.”

The joke at the Braves expense lightened the mood somewhat, and the group finished their checklists in relatively quick fashion. As the Elders walked to their cars, Elder Wiley sidled along side of Elder Cheatum.

“Looks like our little girl has got hurt feelings”, Elder Wiley said as Elder Cheatum opened his car door.

“Well, if she does, she can get over them”, said Elder Cheatum climbing in behind the wheel of his car. “We’ve got way too much invested in this venture to let her be the single point of failure.”

Elder Cheatum continued, “She’ll either learn how to go along, or she’ll need to get along”.

Elder Cheatum closed the door of his car and drove off without even a “see you in church” as a farewell. Elder Wiley stood in the parking lot for a minute watching the Elder retreat before getting in his own car.

“It wouldn’t be church without some conflicts”, he thought to himself as he left the parking lot. “I just hope we get it right Sunday”.

Elder Wiley turned up his radio and let the sounds of “Bad Moon Rising” by Creedence Clearwater Revival drown out his thoughts.

Good morning, y’all. Wow, is there anything sadder than seeing an elderly widow being placed in a boat to escape the rising flood waters that have surrounded her home? Louisiana is being absolutely battered right now by more than two feet of rain in the last couple of days. I don’t think that any area of the country could handle that kind of runoff, least of all an area that is largely under sea level. Our hearts, and hopefully soon, our tax dollars go out to the people affected by these disastrous floods. Disasters can occur, even when Congress is not in session.

Speaking of disasters brings us back to the retelling of history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Sunday arrived on schedule, as did the buses chartered to carry the faithful to the new church in Blairsville. There were three large Greyhound style buses, each carrying about fifty-five passengers. The overflow traffic would be expected to follow caravan style behind the buses to the Crystal Palace.

As the plan unfolded, parishioners were met in the parking lot of the church and shepherded to the sign in desks setup next to the church. Each signup was given a colored ticket, red or blue, that had to be presented to enter the buses. Assignments for buses had been drawn up the day before and were a reflection of  the “importance” of the parishioner. The first one hundred numbers were given to people that the Elders felt were important to the church’s mission and were assigned to the first two buses. The red tickets, or “A listers”, were given the opportunity to ride in the lead bus with the Reverend Helena Handbasket. The blue tickets, the “B listers”, were in the second bus and given over to the care of the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread. The Ladies Auxilary provided coffee, tea, and little snack cakes to each of the parishioners as they entered the bus assigned to them. The Elders were in hopes that the preference shown to certain members would salve their feelings about the move. It was an indication that while the location might change, the old relationships would remain the same.

There were three buses provided, but the church could have easily filled five. Despite the bus driver’s warnings, the third bus was filled with people who would stand in the aisle for the trip to Blairsville. The overflow crowd was encouraged to use their own transportation for the caravan bound for Blairsville. As Elder Cheatum walked back and forth monitoring the efficiency of the operation he noted that the last bus was filled with the same folks who are always clambering for the last seats in church as the service begins.

The Elder had originally planned on being the “tour guide” for the third bus. It would be an opportunity to get to know some of the new members better and get a feel for their expectations. As the driver of bus number three closed his door Elder Cheatum could see that the passengers had left the driver barely enough room to drive. There would be scant opportunity for the Elder to “work the crowd” based off of the current conditions.

Channel 99 had assigned a cameraman to the first bus and another cameraman was shooting from the Channel 99 van in the caravan. The camera was rolling in the first bus and recording the Reverend Helena Handbasket leading the “A listers” in a fiery version of “Onward Christian Soldiers”, when Reverend Helena broke her song with cries of, “stop, stop”. To everyone in the caravan’s surprise, the lead bus pulled from the road with a sudden swerve that sent gravel from the side of the road flying. The bus pulled into a parking lot and the faithful were completely clueless as to what the diversion was about. The followers were questioning one another as to the sudden deviation from their charted course when one member looked through the back window of the bus and spied the infamous sign of the “Boobie Bungalow“, one of Blairsville’s centers of exotic dance.

Like ants bringing food back to their queen, the congregation of The Full Gospel Original Church of God were out of the buses and their cars and drawing a circle around the Reverend Handbasket who was standing at the doors of the club. The shot that was later broadcast by Channel 99 van was legendary. The faithful were milling in a circle around the Reverend Helen Handbasket, standing in the parking lot of a strip club, with looks approaching rapture on their faces.

In the broadcast shown at the regularly scheduled time, it could be seen that many of the followers were confused as to whether or not this was the intended destination, or if it was just serendipity. Some of the male members of the congregation milled about with what appeared to be sheepish looks on their faces as they waited for the other shoe to drop. Every ear was attuned for the Reverend’s voice, but she had to wait to speak until the Channel 99 crew provided her with a microphone.

Once “miked up”, the Reverend Helen Handbasket unleashed a furious condemnation of women who sold their bodies for the lustful eyes of men, and the men who lusted after them. There were strong words describing the “blight” on the community that the establishment imposed, and the need for the righteous to cast out this “den of inequity”. After ten minutes of intense fire and brimstone, the faithful were loaded back onto the buses to complete their journey.

The walk around the “Crystal Palace” was anti-climatic to the guerilla like raid on the “Boobie Bungalow“. The tour of the church more closely resembled an “Open House” with a realtor, than a congregation entering the Promised Land. Reverend Helena gathered the faithful around her after the tour was finished and pronounced a blessing on the new church and all of those who would worship there. While Channel 99 was denied another altar call, and a testament of faith, they were rewarded with being on the scene when the area’s most important news story of the day was being created.

The telecast ended with the faithful being loaded back onto their buses. As each member climbed onto the bus they were handed a box lunch and cold drink provided by the Ladies Auxilary. The closing scene was bus number three leaving the parking lot, headed back to Nunsuch. The telecast couldn’t have appeared more like a documentary if it had been directed by Michael Moore.

As Elder Cheatum texted the other Elders to meet him later for dinner, he reflected on the multi-faceted gem that was Reverend Helena. Clearly she had a mind of her own, and, maybe that was a good thing. The Elder just needed to caution her to never, ever go off script. Dumping the congregation with camera crews on the doorstep of a business that was owned by very influential members of their community was not wise. He was sure that he could convey the message to “curb her enthusiasm” in a positive way. If not, well, the church had been looking for a preacher when they found Reverend Helena.

 

 

Good morning, y’all. We have a saying that “third time’s the charm”. It generally refers to the number of times the uninitiated can attempt a task before getting it right. Hopefully, the old saying will apply to the third death of an innocent child on an amusement park ride this week and force various states’ legislators to better regulate the industry. Accidents happen, and we acknowledge the possibility for lightning striking or some other force majeure occurring. That said, every precaution should be taken to ensure the safety of the little ones who are just trying to have fun. Maybe a ratio of one dollar spent on safety to one dollar spent on advertising would be a good starting point.

Talking about lightning striking is a good place to begin the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Following the Altar Call that failed to materialize, Elder Cheatum drove off up Highway 60 into the mountains to clear his head. When he got to Morganton, he pulled into the Morganton Grill exactly thirty minutes after his departure from the church. The Elder had covered the winding, snaking twenty-six miles of mountain roads faster than he could remember. As he removed the lemon from his glass of ice tea, he reflected that he did not remember much of the drive to the little eatery. The Elder sorted over his feelings and questioned his decisions as he tore into a rack of ribs. By the time the blackberry cobbler arrived the Elder was almost back to himself.

The drive back to the little church took forty-five minutes, more in keeping with the speed limits and highway safety. The Elder knocked on the door of the rectory and was greeted by Reverend Helena in her customary jeans and sweatshirt. As he was led to a seat in the living room, the Elder noticed what a dramatic change the Reverend had made to the decor of the house. It was almost like generations of Hawker families had been erased through the tasteful use of paint and fabric. Refusing a glass of tea, the Elder plunged right in.

“I think I’ve made a big mistake”, he started, “I think I’ve greatly misjudged what our congregation wants, or expects, and, I’m not sure how to quantify those concepts.”

Immediately tears rose up in the eyes of Reverend Helena and she began to appeal for another chance, “I can change, just tell me what you want me to do, I’m young, I can learn”, she said while maintaining control of he voice.

The Elder realized he had led the Reverend to the wrong conclusion and was quick to quell her panic. “No, it’s not you, it’s how I have placed you in the role of the traditional preacher, and what we have here is anything but traditional.”

The Reverend’s face became calmer as she asked, “It’s not me?” “I thought sure you were coming back to fire me after the poor Altar Call.”

“No, it’s not you”, replied Elder Cheatum, “it’s how we make use of your talents, and that’s my job.” The Elder continued, “I thought that placing you at the front door after the benediction was the right thing to do; it’s the traditional thing to do.” “Like I said, you are anything but traditional.”

“What do you want me to do”, the Reverend asked.

“I want you to make the Altar Call and then stay in front of the Altar for maybe fifteen minutes, and then exit through the stage.” The Elder answered, “I don’t care if there’s a hundred people still standing at the altar, when fifteen minutes has passed, you bug out, got me?”

“Got you”, replied the Reverend, “anything else?”

“Yes, now that mentioned it”, replied the Elder, “no more sermons on temperance unless one of our young people is killed in an accident.”

A look of surprise came over the Reverend’s face, “Why?”

“Because something didn’t feel right during your sermon, the congregation just didn’t seem to be with you”, the Elder responded, “let’s just leave it alone for awhile, ok?”

The Elder stood up to leave. He looked at the Reverend and smiled, “It’s not like you’re going to run out of sins to talk about.”

“I guess that’s true”, said the Reverend, “so, fifteen minutes at the Altar and scoot, and we’re good?”

“Exactly”, said the Elder and he was out the door.

Wednesday morning’s unofficial board meeting at the IHOP found the Elders more out of sorts than usual. Elder Cheatum was still smarting over his mishandling of the Reverend’s talents. Elder Diggum was smarting from having to twist, wheedle and cajole the management at Channel 99 into going along with the documentary idea. Elder Diggum was also smarting that he had had to call Elder Wiley in to “get the deal done.” Elder Wiley was smarting because he’d been called in. Elder Diggum was unable to find the joy in the clown face drawn on  his pancakes in whipped cream and fresh fruit.

“Anything?”, asked Elder Wiley as he reached for the latest copy of the North Georgia Gazette from Elder Cheatum.

“Nope”, replied Elder Cheatum as he handed the paper to his friend. “It’s like this guy works as the spirit moves him”. “He must be independently wealthy or a relative of somebody.”

“Well, I’m sure he’s somebody’s relative”, replied Elder Wiley, “but I get your meaning.” “He’s like a baby copperhead”, Elder Wiley continued, “you can’t hardly see them, but you don’t dare not watch for them because if you do they’ll alter your day for you.”

Elder Wiley exposed the webbing between his thumb and first finger for his partners to see the darkened skin and scarred tissue. The partners nodded in agreement.

“Do we even know who this Doohan fellow is”, asked Elder Cheatum, “does he have family in the area.”

“The Gazette isn’t giving anything up,” replied Elder Diggum between mouthfuls, “I called them, even said I was interested in having the guy do an article on us, and they wouldn’t give me any information at all.” “I think it’s a nom de plume.”

“You just like saying ‘nom de plume’ you french fry eating son of a gun”, joked Elder Wiley.

“Well, I’m glad you guys got Channel 99 squared away”, said Elder Cheatum, “I’m sorry I let everyone down Sunday, but I think we’re back on track.”

“How did Reverend Helena take your suggestions”, asked Elder Wiley.

“Good, I think she thought we were going to fire her”, replied Elder Cheatum, “have you all seen how she’s fixed up the rectory?”

“Can’t say that I have”, answered Elder Wiley.

“Well that girl’s got decorator skills”, replied Elder Cheatum, “you’d never know a man had lived in the place to see it today.”

“Here Barry, why don’t you catch this one”, Elder Cheatum said as he slid the check to his friend, “I hate to break a  hundred”.

“You hate to use your own money”, replied Elder Diggum.

“That’s right, I do”, said Elder Cheatum as he passed through the door of the restaurant,

“See you in church”, the three friends called to each other as they began their day.