Good morning, y’all. I’ve got my raft tied up here to the steps of our little home at Number Two. It’s floating on about half an inch of water, which is all ground water at this point. I’ve been good about keeping our drains free from the debris that all of this rain has caused to be moved from its previous resting spot. Blocked drains will cause a quicker evacuation here at TackyToo than a sheriff’s order to vacate. Nobody likes sharing their bedroom with the critters and snakes looking for high ground in a flood situation.
Speaking of sharing bedrooms, we’ve had a bit of a revelation on the goings on of the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread and his paramour, the choir director Ophelia Bottoms. It seems that they are looking for acceptance from the community and have started showing themselves all around town. There have been so many sightings lately of, “Bread and Bottoms” that it’s been hard to keep track. It’s a shame we can’t make a cute name like “Bennifer” for the couple, “Dalephelia” just doesn’t have the same feel. “Bread and Bottoms” will have to do.
I took the opportunity to watch this week’s church broadcast in the Rec room, since I was the only fool willing to brave the elements. Even at a safe distance from the festivities, I could feel the tension in The Full Gospel Original Church of God pulsing over the airwaves in the Channel 99 broadcast. “Bread and Bottoms” had decided to take the opportunity of this week’s revival service to sit together in church. Since the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread had been relieved of his duties by the Reverend Helen Handbasket, and the choir duties had been passed to Ted E. Baer and His Love Fellowship for the revival, the couple had the opportunity to watch the service together. On the surface, it seemed like a simple way of asking for acceptance from the community of their relationship. Well, nothing in love or nuclear fusion is ever simple.
The church was packed to the rafters again, in spite of the rain. Whether by design, or the conditioning of always arriving at church ahead of the congregation, “Bread and Bottoms” arrived at church early enough to secure a front and center seat in the middle pew. As previously mentioned, there has been some backbiting amongst the faithful as to who gets to sit in the prime real estate since the services are being televised. Without a word from Mulva, I was able to figure out that front and center was not where the Elders would want “Bread and Bottoms” displayed. As things turned out, the Elders didn’t have to worry too long.
The services got off to a roaring start with the full gospel band of Ted E. Baer and His Love Fellowship providing a deepness and richness of sound only found in the big megachurches. They must have had over one thousand watts of amplified power behind their instruments. I don’t doubt that the rafters of the old church weren’t moaning from the sonic assault. As things quieted down, and the camera panned the crowd searching the faces of the faithful as they waited for the Reverend Helen Handbasket to begin her service, the camera settled on “Bread and Bottoms”.
Fate? I don’t know. Divine intervention? I can’t say. The revenge of a woman scorned? Probably. As the camera settled on the unsuspecting couple, the little hand of seven year old Devin Bread can be seeing rattling his baby brother’s rattle in his daddy’s ear. Now, I guess that most of us can easily differentiate the difference between the sound of a baby rattle and a rattle snake, but I guess the Reverend Bread is a little more sensitive since his go round with Old Ben. The Reverend Bread jumped as if shot out of a cannon, hollered as if stung by a nest of hornets, did a couple of confusing steps similar to one afflicted with the St. Vitus dance, and made a beeline for the door. His paramour, Ophelia Bottoms, was left in his wake with a confused look on her face. His son, Devin, sat back down quietly next to his mama.
And then, the revival began.