Never A Dull Moment

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. I spoke with my attorney, Adam Dimwit, while I was waiting in the dentist office and he’s going to petition the court to see if I can get my range extended to a thousand feet or so. My argument is that paying this “Lawn Care Specialist” and the other fellow to do odd jobs is proving to be an unjust burden. We’ll see how she rolls.

Well, life is never boring here at TackyToo and I got a right pleasant surprise when my daughter Melody came over to see me last night. As I mentioned earlier, Melody hasn’t been ’round to see me since the “incident”. I was beginning to wonder if I had broke something this time that couldn’t be fixed. I was tickled pink when Mulva told me that Melody and her roommate Alex were coming over after supper. Truth was, supper wasn’t much more than a bowl of soup and some jello. Brother-in-law Moore had done a fine job of numbing me up, and it was all I could do to drink through a straw. I’m not exactly a silver tongue when I can actually move my lips and jaw, but I wanted to be able to impress on Melody my sincere apologies for what I had done. I also wanted to share with Melody my commitment to staying sober, and sane.

As it turns out, Melody wanted to share a commitment with me as well, her commitment to Alex. Did I mention Alex is a girl? Anyway, I got to cross one of the great mysteries of my life off the list, why the prettiest girl in the county wasn’t married with a house full of kids. When I really dwelled on my relationship with my daughter, I worried that I had been such a bad example of manhood that Melody just said, “I’ll have none of that”, and decided to live her life alone. I was so happy and relieved it wasn’t me. I should also add that I was happy for them as well. I was particularly happy Melody had found someone to share her life with, and, felt the love strong enough to make a lifetime commitment.

All of the girls were chattering like magpies in a tree, and I contented myself to sit back and listen to the plans. I figured I could get the specifics later on, right now I just wanted to bask in my daughter’s happiness. Melody and Alex were holding hands and spoke with each other with such consideration that it put me in mind of me and Mulva, a long, long time ago. I was really happy for them. After a while, they headed out. Big hugs all around, and everyone promising that we’d not let the next visit take so long to occur.

Well, as all pain killers do, they started to wear off. I began to feel the effects of my brother-in-law standing on my dentist chair with each of his feet planted by an ear and both of his hands fully in my mouth, with tools. The evening news came on with a story that totally took my mind off my pain. Some idjit County Clerk up in Kentucky was refusing to do her job. She was willing to break her sworn oath to the people of Kentucky because she was afraid Jesus would frown on her for allowing two of His children to get married. I have to say, based on my evening’s festivities, this was a double whammy. Where does this sanctimonious #(&)(-%^$ get off telling two people they can’t get married? Jeez, even the dinosaurs on the Supreme Court noodled this one correctly.

Now, I am not a religious scholar, but I do play one on the internet. I have found one truism that transcends every religion, “do unto others as you want done unto you”. Really, really, really simple. The scholars among you will notice how the ten commandments fold neatly into the dictum. Really, really, really simple. I don’t know where this idjit zealot was when this was taught in Sunday school, but by my reckoning she would have had to miss several years of Sundays to miss this lesson. I could be wrong though, maybe she attends the “First Church of The Hateful and Spiteful”.

Turns out she’s spending her night tonight in the Cross Bar Motel. I’m sure they’ll let her have a Bible, might I recommend the New Testament?

Best wishes to Melody and Alex if they’re reading.


Meet the Lites – Bud Jr. and Melody

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. I don’t know how hot it is where you are, but at midnight it was 90 degrees on the big Coca Cola thermometer outside of the Rec Room. During the day it was hotter than two cats mating in a burlap bag. I don’t know whether to believe in Global Warming or not, but I sure do believe in Georgia Warming.

It’s time to introduce you to the “Lites” of my life, Bud Junior and Melody. I will use this opportunity to tell them publicly I’m sorry for all of the shenanigans and the pain they’ve had to endure. In truth, I don’t know that anyone is reading these postings but my parole officer and my shrink, but just in case anyone wanders over here and sees their name mentioned, I thought I’d get the amends out of the way.

Bud was born Buford Forrest Lite Junior in 1970. He was a big boy, 8 pounds and 14 ounces and he had all of his parts. Shortly after his birth, I got an all expense paid Southeast Asia vacation, courtesy of Uncle Sam. When I returned, Bud Jr. had changed a lot. Truth be told, we both had. I think we tried to do everything as “normal” as we could for Bud. He went to regular school, not home-schooled like the Bible Thumpers. To give him an “international exposure”, we drove him to Gainesville so that he could play soccer.

After I got back from Southeast Asia, I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I watched a lot of TV, at all hours. We had this big satellite dish that pulled in stations from all over the world, and I was able to watch sports 24 hours a day. As fate would have it, I happened on a soccer match one time during one of my all night marathons. I watched this one player fly into an opponent and send him tumbling. Rather than take advantage of the situation, the attacking team kicked the ball out of bounds. The “out of bounds” allowed the attacking team’s opponent to get help during the time out. I was shocked. I guess I’d never seen sportsmanship before. It made such an impression on me that we took little Bud to soccer instead of PeeWee football.

The family took constant egging for our pursuit of a “furen” sport, but we got the last laugh when Bud went off to Athens to do the kicking for my beloved Bulldogs. He did real fine at UGA, and we were happy to have the Athletic Department pay for his degree in Criminal Justice. Sadly, I believe Bud got his interest in criminal justice from an overexposure to his Dad’s hijinks. I’m proud to say he’s the Chief of Police here in our community of Nunsuch, and still hopes to join the FBI one day. His lovely wife Crystal gave birth to Trey last year and they all seem to be as happy as ticks on a dog.

My beautiful daughter Melody was born in 1976 and weighed in at 6 pounds and 4 ounces. She inherited her Mom’s good looks and her Dad’s temperament. The comedian Chris Rock once opined, ‘If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game.’ We’re battingĀ  .500. Melody danced professionally for thirty years before retiring a few years back. It’s been a very, very hard life for her. She never married and never really seemed to have any steady boyfriends, even though she’s the prettiest girl in these parts. She hasn’t come by to see me since my release, but I’m hoping she’ll come by soon. I’ve got some amends to make, and a lot of the them are for Melody. She deserved so much better.