What A Friend We Have In Jesus II

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. A clear and beautiful day here in the mountains. Temperatures are flirting with the 80’s which does not bode well for a mild Summer. I may have a very narrow time frame to get my planting and sprucing up done before it becomes too hot to work. Gaining a huge respect for Mother Nature is one of the things you gain by aging. That, and the healing powers of ibuprofen.

In fact, I bet right now there is a certain reverend of The Full Gospel Original Church of God that is gaining mad respect for ibuprofen, and whatever other pain killing substances she can secure. I’m getting ahead of my self a little bit, but being sore all over was a nice segue into finishing up my story about the christening of the new church in Blairsville.

When we left the story yesterday, Mulva and I are sitting third row center right when the reverend Helen Handbasket enters the stage from somewhere. Honestly, I didn’t see any curtains parting, any rustling stage right or left, it just seemed like, “poof”,  she was there mid stage. She is wearing white robes with some sort of sash trimmed in gold like you’d think a priest would wear. Her fiery red hair is “styled” in an unmanageable Afro. Her hair is slightly puffed, and when it catches the light just right, it gives off a kaleidoscope effect of color about her head. As the reverend Helen Handbasket walks to the pulpit, her head appears to have a halo about it from the stage lights striking her hair at odd angles. It’s a darn good effect, and one that is far better in person than on TV. Not that the boys from Channel 99 in Blairsville aren’t doing their best to capture the show for the viewers at home.

The camera crew has tripods setup on either side of the altar with an overhead camera mounted in the ceiling above the first row. A crew man with a handheld camera is capturing shots from the center of the floor between the first row and the altar. I can only imagine how his knees must feel at the end of the day having to squat and crawl around like that to get his shots. Another candidate for ibuprofen for sure.

Well, the reverend Helen Handbasket is not unaware that this is her “national debut” and is bringing the heat with her sermon. She has decided to take on the role of politics in our lives this week. With barely a nod to “Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s”, the reverend ripped into folks who were obsessed with the current political scene. She mocked the demagogues and the shills for the oligarchy. She dismissed the candidates who could not conduct themselves in a civil manner as buffoons. The reverend Helen Handbasket then really got wound up when she touched on the profanity and crude innuendo employed by some candidates. It is the reverend’s stated belief that the debates should be something that could be shown in a high school civics class and discussed as a living history lesson. When the reverend allowed as to how these debates weren’t worthy of being shown to “pigs in a sty”, she stepped into no mans land.

The audience collectively gasped and it took several seconds for the exhale. The reverend Helen Handbasket was too possessed by her own thoughts at this point to notice that she had all but lost her audience. The revered had already allowed the “spirit” to take hold. She was starting what I call the “tap dance for Jesus”, that is common to evangelical preachers. Tradition dictated she would move from the stage to the floor in front of the altar to begin the testament of faith and the call for souls. Her transition from the stage would take place while “tap dancing for Jesus” and speaking in tongues, if the spirit moved.

Well, in her altered state, the reverend Helen Handbasket apparently had forgotten what three coats of polyurethane and two coats of wax will do to a hardwood surface. As the reverend moved from the stage to the first step, she lost her footing and treated the audience at home, and in the church, to a show not seen since the last Victoria Secret’s Fashion Show. Her legs flew up, as well as her robe. It was perhaps thirty seconds before anyone could gain the presence of mind to avert the cameras and cover up the prostrate reverend.

Well needless to say, the altar call and testament of faith were cancelled, but I don’t think anyone felt cheated. The reverend Helen Handbasket was carted to the Blairsville Hospital’s emergency room where she was treated and released. I imagine she is dosing up today on the ibuprofen to ease the pain of her bruised body. I don’t know what you take for a bruised ego.

And to think I’ve been dreading going back to church.

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