Good morning, y’all. I’m feeling divinely connected today. I wished for rain yesterday, and lo, let there be rain. It’s like I’ve got a special power or something. I’m thinking maybe I can be the special rain consultant over to The Full Gospel Original Church of God. At worst, I can develop an over and under like 11 Alive, and hang a sign in the rec room boasting my accuracy. It’ll be great for my church cred.
Speaking of church cred, who’s got more church cred than the pope, right? In case you’ve been living in a cave, or Alabama, the holy pontiff is making a tour of the good ol’ U.S.A. right now. I happen to have been deeply touched by the pontiff last night when I tuned into my favorite news show, the NBC Nightly News, no longer with Brian Williams. The new feller, Lester Holt, does a fine job, but he is not the seasoned veteran Brian Williams is. I was settled down in my barcalounger, ready to hear about the top news story of the day, a genetically engineered cross over of a farm animal and a transportation device. I believe they called it a “duckboat”. Seems there was this “duckboat” that had run amok in Seattle with deaths and injuries and all sort of mayhem.
But first, we’ve got to watch the pope ride another genetically altered vehicle, called the popemobile, about a quarter of a mile to church. Now, I’m going to cut the pope a lot of slack here, he’s 78, and walking a quarter of a mile is probably too much for a man in his stage of life. I also gather that there’s about a bajillion folks in New York City that want to get a glimpse of his popeness as he passed by. For times like these, the pope’s entourage carry a Jeep that looks like it was designed by the folks at Tupperware. The popemobile has a snap down lid on it.
Now, I give the pope great props for tooling around in a micro Fiat, very consistent with his ecological message, but this popemobile has got to get about 12 miles to the gallon. I guess it’s good they only use it for a quarter of a mile at a time. Anyway, the pope finally arrives at this monster of a church that I forget has had how many hundreds of millions of dollars spent on it. The pope pops out and, like Edwin Edwards at a crawfish festival, starts shaking hands and kissing babies with everyone in sight.
I look at the Dr. Pepper clock on the wall and we are approaching the 7 o’clock hour, and the folks at NBC don’t look motivated to move from the church. I take the time allocated to the long slow walk of the pope down the aisle of this monster church and use it as an opportunity to go to the head. When I get back, his popeness has just reached the altar of the church and is taking deep breaths in anticipation of delivering a long sermon. I know, I have seen that look many times before, just not in a Catholic church.
It is 7 o’clock and Lester and his friends have to say goodbye and relinquish their time to “Wheel of Fortune”. I am aghast. I have no information as to what set this “duckboat” off on its killing spree. What if “duckboats” rapidly reproduce and the streets of Nunsuch become overrun with genetically engineered, mentally fragile, hybrids? How is the general public supposed to respond?
I am prepared for the Zombie holocaust, I have no idea how to handle the “invasion of the duckboats”. For this, I blame Lester Holt and his lack of experience. God, I miss Brian Williams.