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The Lord Is My Shepherd

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. Cold again today, with the threat of ice, snow and general apocalyptic conditions forecast for our week. Channel 11 has taken the bold step of having the Whiz O Meter drop four points for a two degree drop in high temperature. A high of 52 degrees was a “10” yesterday. Today’s predicted high of 50 degrees is rated a “6”. With potential lows of sub zero, and, potential highs of plus 100, seems like the Whiz O Meter is going to run out of numbers somewhere along the way. It appears to me that an investigation of the Whiz O Meter numbering system is in order. Perhaps Channel 11’s news team could dig into it. They’re famous for holding the “powerful accountable”.

Speaking of holding the powerful accountable, I’m going to try to catch the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread as he gets back home today. He owes me several month’s rent for his brood, and I’d like for him to make an effort towards getting square with me. I have the advantage of knowing when, and how much, he’s getting paid since Mulva is secretary/treasurer of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The fact of the matter is, the Right Reverend is making more now than he was before the incident. He’s working about three times as hard, but that’s fine. Maybe it was all of that idle time that led him astray before. “Idle mind being the devil’s workshop”, and all.

The Right Reverend has been assigned the overflow services that were scheduled to more evenly handle the load at The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Elders have got him working at the Crystal Palace during the week too. Turns out the Right Reverend can handle a paint brush. I’d be tempted to let him work off his debt here, except I’ve already staked out the Rec room repaint for myself. It’s cold outside, and I need an inside job to keep me busy. I guess I could let him paint the outside of the Rec room after the temps rise a bit. That is, if he’s still around when it warms up.

Talking about warming up, the Reverend Helen Handbasket was fanning the flames of Hell so high today that I’m sure the congregation needs to put Aloe vera on their backsides. Today’s sermon was on “Lust”, and it was a topic the Reverend Helen Handbasket was highly opinionated on. Now, I can’t say if the opinions were formulated from personal exploration, or if the Reverend was just well read on the topic. Either way, the fire was coming from one direction and the brimstone from the other.

The Reverend Helen Handbasket delivered the entire message balancing on the edge of the stage to where the cameras from Channel 99 in Blairsville caught the light just right behind her, giving her that other worldly glow that has drawn so many to the church. Her voice took on a husky tone as she delivered the sermon, and towards the end, her speech pattern was in a sing song rhythm more usually identified with black pastors. I was wondering if she was going to break out into tongues, or be possessed, it was that transformative. When the TV crew panned the audience, there was not one eye that was not locked on the stage. Most were slack jawed, many with their mouths open. Even the Right Reverend Bread’s brood were transfixed on the pastor, and they are known for disrespecting the services. If there was a Whiz O Meter for services, and the top end was an eleven, this would have been a thirteen.

The altar call and testament of faith were anti-climatic. I don’t think that anyone in the congregation had the energy to make it to the altar, even if they felt the call. The Reverend Helen Handbasket had absorbed all of the energy in the room and spun it into a premonition that was so vivid that it rivaled Imax. All of the faithful could see clearly what their afterlife would be, if they continued in their lustful ways. The Reverend Helen Handbasket earned her pay today, for sure.

Speaking of pay, I am happy to report that I was successful in separating the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread from part of his. I’ll find out later from Mulva if it was the “right thing to do”. It feels right, right now. I hope the feeling continues.

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