The Clown Car Was Disguised As Air Force One

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. Well, I’ve spent all morning cleaning up the rec room after last night’s free for all over the Republican debates. Like the first debate, we scheduled a potluck supper for the evening and invited the entire park to attend. Attendance was near 100% and a good time was had by all, right up until the last question, “what would your Secret Service code name be?”

One wit suggested Carly Fiorina should go with “The Face” in deference to Donald Trump’s suggestion that candidate Fiorina didn’t have the good looks required to be Commander In Chief. Well, one of the wives suggested Trump go with “muskrat”, since that was what his hair looked like, and then it was on. Wives had to defend the only female candidate and husbands had to defend those wives, and the next thing you know we’ve got Ms. Goodman’s baked beans on the walls. While no actual blows were delivered, there was a lot of pushing, a lot of spittle transferred in the process of nose to nose “explaining” one’s point, and food thrown when the “explaining” hadn’t gotten the point across. I just made sure everyone left for home last night and put off cleanup until today. It ain’t easy being the adult in the room.

I’ve compromised a few notes about each candidate, and I’ll leave it at that until another time. First off, they should name the debates, “The Hyperbole Games”. I enjoy a good hyperbole, look at the title of this article. I just fear there are a lot of folks in TV land that don’t know enough about history, or civics, or geography, or science, or the Constitution to know when one of the candidates has just shot them a line of crap that a John Deere tractor couldn’t pull them out of.

To start “The Hyperbole Games”, we will go to the B-Team scrimmage first:

Lindsey Graham can’t sleep at night because there’s millions of Muslims who want to leave their homes to come destroy Lindsey and his way of life. Only the thought of lot’s of men in military uniforms allow Lindsey to get to sleep at night.

Rick Santorum seems to be the embodiment of what the Republicans warned about Jack Kennedy. A Papist drone promoting the Catholic viewpoint. He’s on the right squad.

Bobbi Jindal is like a yipping chihuahua, yap, yap yap. He seems to hold out hope that all of the self-loathing of his own heritage will somehow pan out into the number one job. Don’t think so.

George Pataki seems like a nice man. He is pro-choice, pro-gay, pro-healthcare, pro-environment. Clearly a fish out of water. Maybe he’ll be a survivor when the Republican party implodes after the next election.

The Hyperbole Game’s main attraction, the Varsity scrimmage, in order of popularity: 

Donald Trump in the center of the stage acting as ringmaster for the rest of the clowns. The only candidate who seemed to survive his barbs was Ben Carson. Maybe the ticket is already set. Seldom right, never in doubt and has been a bully for so long it just feels natural to him. I wonder how his facial antics will play out on the international scene, not very well I think. Got in the best line of the night though. He told Jeb Bush that his brother was such a bad president that we elected Obama. OOOOOHHHHH, that stung!

Ben Carson seemed to have taken a great deal of anti-anxiety medication before the debates. I believe in a measured response, but Dr. Carson sounded like he was having to go down into the basement to retrieve the files for his responses. Caving in to Trump on the subject of vaccinations showed a lack of integrity that should disqualify him from anyone’s consideration.

Jeb Bush appeared to be more energized for this debate. It made me wonder if someone paid off CNN to ask the question about the Secret Service code name. Bush clearly had a snappy retort for The Donald’s previous critique that Jeb lacked energy. Jeb can’t escape his heritage no matter how hard he tries. Even Trump pointed out that all of Jeb’s advisers were the same old Republican guard of his dad and brother. Might we see Dick Cheney again?

Ted Cruz is a Canadian who wants to repeal the 14th Amendment. From the get go it was clear Cruz was not a favorite. After Cruz introduced himself to the crowd, the crowd was absolutely silent, no one clapped. In my opinion, they were right. Nothing to see here.

Scott Walker, like any lunatic fundamentalist, devoutly believes that it is his way or the highway. Taking pride in breaking the education in your state is the kind of Al Qaeda thinking required for the future, not! Best response of the night, “Call me Harley, I like to ride motorcycles”.

Marco Rubio started the evening off with a poor joke about California’s drought that was supposed to be self-effacing. It went over like a lead balloon. Of course, joking about others’ misery is how Republicans show compassion, so I guess Rubio was just towing the party line.

Carly Fiorina had an impressive night, so much so that she got TackyToo up in arms. Speaking of arms, Carly had some very specific numbers for the military levels that she would have to maintain to feel safe. She must be in need of men in uniforms almost as much as Lindsey Graham. I’d like to double check her numbers, but I believe she was calling for troop levels higher than WWII. I’ll get back on that. I also firmly disagree with her “gateway drug” spiel. 

Mike Huckabee started by kissing all of the other candidate’s butts. I’m guessing he’s applying for the VP job. I wish there had been more personal questions of Huckabee about his ties to the Duggars and his staging of the rally for the Kentucky clerk. Raise your hand if you think Christians are the most persecuted class of people in America. Yeah, I thought so.

John Kasich, like George Pataki, was a fish out of water. There’s no reason to waste a man of principal on this group. Let him go back home and run his state until the Great Republican implosion.

Rand Paul was criticized by the Donald for even being allowed on the stage. Faint praise, I would think. Paul is a metaphor, like the stopped watch that’s right twice a day. The watch is still broken, it just gives the correct response every once in a while.

Chris Christie is a bulldog, who at least tried to carry his message to the voter. He clearly knows how to handle the media, probably second best to The Donald. I just wonder if he will ever free himself of his political problems in New Jersey. I think it would be bad form to have a President or Vice President carried out of the White House in irons. He did give me a funny moment while he was trying to come up with his code name. I was going, “jelly doughnut”, “blintz”, “Pillsbury Dough Boy”, and on and on until he said “trueheart”. Not nearly as good as any of mine.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, your cast of characters for the 2016 election. As the clowns climb back into the car designed to look like Air Force One, let’s bid them a fond farewell until next time.

Anyone know how to get baked beans out of shag carpet?

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