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Crime and Punishment II

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. It’s so quiet tonight you could hear a cricket break wind. I don’t know if this sobriety thing is sharpening my senses or not, but I am aware of the old adage that a girl that is a 6 at 6PM is always a 10 at 10PM. Sometimes less clarity is a good thing.

Speaking of clarity, I mentioned before that the last thing I remember from the night of the 29th was going into the backseat of a cruiser. I awoke in the drunk tank in the Union county jail. As I admired my form fitting, stylishly tailored jumpsuit, I surveyed the concrete cell with four sets of bunk beds and an open air toilet. Arraignment was set for 11AM, a long time to hold your water. Shy bladder qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment in my opinion.

At the arraignment, Judge “Bald and Rude” read the charges. I was quick to notice that the unique item in this go round was a charge of property destruction in the amount of $1,500. The goes-without-saying charge of, “leaving the scene of an accident”, bumped my worst day ever into a new category, felony. According to eye witnesses, I left the parking lot of the Double Shot Liquor and Gun Store and drove straight across the highway to the Busy Bee Cafe. The Busy Bee Cafe had just that week purchased a large bumblebee to act as their logo, kind of like a Shoney’s Big Boy.

Accounts vary as to how many times I backed back and forth over the bumblebee after knocking him free from its mooring. By all accounts, I didn’t leave until the job was thoroughly done. My work finished, I headed off into the night, crossing county lines and negotiating treacherous mountain roads until my eventual rendezvous with the local constabulary. I recall none of these actions.

Now, I’m not going to make light of the vehicular homicide of a fiberglass bee. I am thinking that if I can get a jury trial, the Georgia faithful will undoubtedly set me free. According to my attorney, Adam Dimwit, my wife Mulva was not remotely interested in going my bail. Mulva was quoted as saying, “he can rot in jail until he rots in hell”. I guess the bloom has gone off the rose.

To summarize, rather than waiting a year for a court date, we took what they were offering. I spent a little over six months in County, did regular psychiatrist evaluations and developed a court approved wellness plan for my probation. I paid my fines, made restitution to the Busy Bee Cafe, and got fitted for a charming piece of electronic jewelry. All and all, it’s a better deal than rotting in jail, and the hereafter. Big bonus, I learned how to setup this website.

Paying my debt to my family is a little harder. Mulva is still madder than a wet hen. My kids, Bud Jr, and Melody have been ignoring me since their teens. I’m not sure they’ve noticed a change. Thank God Bud III, or Trey as I call him, is too young to know what’s going on. We’ll talk more about family tomorrow.

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