Good morning, y’all. Well it’s just like the old country song, “She’s a good-hearted woman in love with a good timing man”. It seems that Anthony Weiner is just so fascinated by technology that he can’t keep himself from sending pictures and texts of a lewd nature out into the stratosphere. Finally, enough is enough, and the good-hearted woman, his wife Huma Abedin, has decided to kick him to the curb. I can’t wait for the Donald’s campaign to try to take the high road in this affair.
Speaking of good-hearted women, brings back around to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. When Bud returned to TackyToo he found Mulva in the full throes of an all out migraine. Mulva was basically immobile for the next three days. Bud had contacted the Elders at Mulva’s urging and Elder Cheatum and Elder Diggum were able to make the deposit from the collections received at both locations. Mulva was too weak to attend Wednesday night Prayer Meeting for the first time ever. Even through two pregnancies and two births, the stars had aligned to allow Mulva the opportunity to keep her perfect attendance record intact. Not this time. Mulva allowed Bud to talk her into resting one more day before “climbing back up on the horse”.
Truth was, Bud was enjoying all of the extra attention he was receiving from the Ladies Auxilary. While the Auxilary was tending to Mulva, Bud was being tended to as well. The Auxilary had relieved Bud of his chores for a few days, and he was happy to use the time to see after Mulva. Mulva not responding to his texts and calls, and then not being where he thought she was supposed to be, had scared Bud. Juxtaposed to his darkest fears, Bud was perfectly content to get Mulva her medicine and cold compresses as directed.
When Sunday rolled around, Mulva was ready to go again, but she was ready to go to the Crystal Palace, not the Little Church in the Valley. Bud decided to vote his pocketbook, and attend the services at the smaller church. He felt like he needed to support the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread even though he felt like the Reverend was spiraling out of control. He didn’t doubt Bubba Hawker’s account of the details from last Sunday’s service, in fact Mulva and the Ladies Auxilary had rounded out the details even further. At issue was whether the Reverend would be give “one more chance” by the Elders. Would the Elders allow the Reverend to continue his rehabilitation and serve as the pastor of the smaller congregation, or would he be jettisoned? Bud was very interested in the answer.
Working in Reverend Dale’s favor was the fact that the Elders had their hands full keeping up with the mushrooming growth of the Reverend Helena’s congregation. To begin a new pastor search now for the faithful who had chosen the original church over the Crystal Palace would divert resources away from the juggernaut being built in Blairsville. If the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread could be persuaded to “keep his hands in his pockets”, then the traditionalists could continue their worship in the little church that Bubba Hawker’s great granddaddy had founded so long ago. Otherwise, the Elders might decide to close the little church, forcing the “traditionalists” to come to town. The only other Ecclesiastical option available to the Nunsuch congregation was a “Foot Washing” Baptist church a mile or so away. The Elders were relying on the fact that once you’ve seen someone “tap dance for Jesus”, while holding a six foot timber rattler above his head, conventional services just weren’t the same.
As Bud drove to the little church his mind wandered. “I spend a lot of time on the ecclesiastical” he thought, ” No where near as much as Mulva, but an awful lot for a heathen.” Bud tried to divine his fascination with their religion.
“I know I’m drawn to interesting personalities”, Bud thought, “And, where else can you gather such a diverse collection of personalities and watch the people so closely.” “Where else could you psychoanalyze their inner most feelings”. “Prison maybe, but if you watch someone too closely in prison it leads to bad things.”
“Heck, getting involved with an unusual personality at church will just be viewed as being ‘service minded’”, Bud chuckled to himself, “It makes it sound like you’re caring, and not just curious”.
Bud had positioned himself to arrive at church in plenty of time to catch any opening fisticuffs. Who knew if Alva Bread, or Anita Goodman, might both be wearing identical jewelry gifted to them by the Right Reverend again. As Bud took his seat in the third row from the altar, he amused himself by making up a “Player’s Handbook”.
“First rule in the handbook”, Bud thought, “Don’t buy gifts that are BOGO”. “Act like you’ve got good sense, even if you don’t have a lot of money.” “The same gift in a different color is still the same gift!”
Bud speculated that Reverend Dale had been relying way too much on divine intervention when he assumed that his wife and his girlfriend were not going to run into each other at some point wearing the same gift. The price of the assumption was very likely going to be the Reverend Dale’s job.
As Bud stared out over the congregation, he was struck by the eeriness of watching two people whose heads were frozen in place for an hour. Alva Bread and Anita Goodman stared straight ahead for the entire service. Never left, never right, never even blinked that Bud could tell. They turned and exited the service via different aisles at the end of the service like two Stepford wives.
As Bud watched the service unfold before him, he was struck by the reality that the service was kind of a let down when compared to the anticipated cat fight. The sermon was about Adam and Eve and the serpent and how the Lord cursed the serpent for his part in the fall of Adam and Eve. The scripture was from Genesis 3:15, “I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel”. The words were delivered with great vigor, and seemed to hold special meaning for the Right Reverend.
As Bud pulled his vanishing act during the benediction, he figured he could talk the scripture over with Reverend Dale later, perhaps over a pulled pork sandwich. Bud headed back to TackyToo to check on his pork shoulders slow roasting in the Big Green Egg. His official work for the day was finished.