Month: July 2016

Good morning, y’all. There’s a lot of disturbing stuff in the news today. I’m still mulling over the concept of the Dallas police sending in a robot bomb to kill the Dallas assassin. Intellectually, I know that dead by SWAT is the same as dead by robot bomb, it just feels less sporting, or something. Of course, I always question why time limits get put on these things. If the perpetrator is pinned down, and you know he’s not going anywhere, wait until he goes to sleep. I guess waiting makes the police look like they’re not in charge or something. Hard to say.

While we’re speaking of time limits, it brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The board meeting after Wednesday Night Preayer meeting found the members tussling with a couple of issues. First, the second trailer was being adjoined to the left side of the little church. To keep on schedule for this Sunday’s service, the crews were working late into the night. The board members were having to raise their voices over the occasional rip of a table saw to be heard.

Mulva Lite began the meeting with the accounting reports, which were outstanding. The collection indicated either that the new crowd attracted to the little church didn’t understand the concept behind tithing, or their income was way higher than the average follower. Either way, the little church was flush with cash. Even after paying for all of the associated costs of the expansion, in cash, the church was still roughly doubling the previous year’s income.

The only disturbing financial negative was the resettlement of the Bread brood to the trailer park at TackyToo. Mulva had donated the use of a trailer to Alva Bread and her family for as long as it took for them to get back on their feet. Mulva’s husband, Bud, was none too happy about the arrangement. Bud’s “last button had been pushed”, when the Bread children had stomped Bud’s prize Irises into oblivion.

Mulva had enlisted the Ladies Auxillary to provide at least one hot meal a day for the family, it was the Christian thing to do; but Mulva was concerned about the rest of their needs. It had been confirmed that Reverend Bread was living in town with Ophelia Bottoms, and that neither seemed to have found employment. A motion was made and passed to appoint Mulva as “secret guardian” of the Bread family until such time as the family was able to get back on their feet. Mulva could draw as much as one thousand dollars a month to provide for the shelter and other needs of the Bread family. Though it went without saying, Elder Wiley felt compelled to remind Mulva that under no circumstances was Dale Bread to receive any benefit from the fund. Mulva agreed, and reported that no one had seen hide nor hair of their former pastor since the family moved into the park.

Satisfied that they had handled the “Bread” issue, the group moved on to more positive topics. Barring any unforeseen acts of God, the second “addition” would be ready for occupation on Sunday. Elder Diggum would be tasked to setup the audio visual in the second trailer to provide as good an ecclesiastical experience as possible.

At this point, Elder Diggum jumped in with some rather exciting news. The “geek” that had setup the new audio visual had attended services on Sunday to make sure that everything was operating smoothly. The “geek” was so impressed with the service that he had pitched the idea of broadcasting the service to his bosses at the public TV station, Channel 99 in Blairsville. Elder Diggum had been contacted by the producer at Channel 99 on his way to prayer meeting that very evening. The producer wanted to setup a meeting to see if the church would be interested in allowing their services to be broadcast.

“It might be a one time thing”, “It might be part of a special documentary about churches in the area”, “It might be a rotational thing between us and other churches taking turns each week”, Elder Diggum said. “It’s all very ‘conceptual’ right now.”

The other board members looked at each other closely. Widespread exposure had always been a very bad thing for the little church.

“When does this fellow want to meet?” asked Elder Wiley.

“As soon as possible”, replied Elder Diggum. “He says they could be ready for this Sunday with a day’s notice.” “So we’d have to let him know by Saturday”.

“Ok, so let’s plan on meeting him Friday for lunch,” Elder Wiley said. “It will give us some time to pray on it, and to check them out.”

Everyone looked at Elder Cheatum for a response. Elder Cheatum scribbled a bit on his copy of that weeks’ Profit and Loss statement before answering. “It can’t hurt to meet,” he said. “And for some strange reason, I’m feeling like it might be a positive thing.” “We’ve got cars from all over North Georgia and East Tennessee in the parking lot every Sunday.” “The word of mouth about what we’ve got going here is spreading our message like wildfire.” “Can you imagine the exposure we could get from a TV broadcast, even if it’s just a public access channel?”

“We are talking about a double edged sword here,” Elder Wiley responded. “For every person drawn to us, there’s probably ten that are repelled by us.” “Some of those that are repelled are going to be powerful people who will seek to shut us down.” “None of us wants to go back to the dark days.”

A look of apprehension passed between the board members as they remembered the dark time when practicing their faith was a capital crime.

“No, we don’t”, Elder Cheatum said. “But there is something very different about Reverend Helena.” “Maybe it’s something as simple as the fact that she is a woman.” “Maybe it’s something much, much more”, he continued, “I don’t know; but I know that whatever it is that is happening in our church, people are telling their friends and their relatives.”

Elder Cheatum continued, “This ‘geek’ told his bosses, and now his bosses are interested.” “I say we setup the meeting and decide after we meet with the guy.” “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” “Now let’s all get the heck out of here before we all go deaf”, the Elder said as he gathered his papers and headed for the door.

The sounds of the table saws were going full pitch as the board walked through the sanctuary on their way to the parking lot. The trailer was being matched to the side of the building while being leveled on the outside. It was dangerous work in the dark, and Elder Cheatum said a silent prayer that the work would be completed without incident. The Elder wanted the meeting with the TV station to be about the positives of the church, not the death of a worker.

“Ok, Friday for lunch, Barry you pick the time and place,” Elder Cheatum said as they reached their cars. “Mulva, you can come if you like.”

“Why, thank you”, said Mulva somewhat flustered at being included. “I’ll try to be there if I can,” she said as she got into her car. The board members headed off into the night to their respective homes, anxious that their little church was about to become famous and what it might mean.

Good morning, y’all. “Something is happening here, what it is ain’t exactly clear”; what prophetic words. Demonstrations are being held all over the country protesting the latest police killings of innocents. One of the innocents was found to have been stopped fifty-two times over the last few years. Never convicted of anything harsher than assorted parking/driving offenses. It appears that the infraction that led to his ultimate execution was driving while black. If the police are this afraid of the population, they ought not to be issued guns. Think Barney Fife.

Speaking of assorted infractions bring us back around to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Sunday’s service was a combination of new, and old, and weird. Worshipers witnessing the new “addition” didn’t know what to make of the trailer that had metastasized itself onto the side of the church. Late arrivals were happy to have a seat, though. It was ugly, and the word was circulated that it was only temporary until a more permanent solution could be derived.

It was true that the seats in the trailer didn’t have quite as good a viewing angle on the services as actually being in the sanctuary. The big screen TV mounted at the front of the trailer and expanded sound system should pay big dividends. The Elders were concerned that seating could be a potential conflict between new worshipers and the older members of the church. Certain seating arrangements had been in place for decades in the little church. The Elders hoped that they could avoid any back biting or infighting for the “good seats”, by the addition of the audio-visual component to the new trailer and sanctuary.

The Reverend Helena Handbasket was now flanked at the altar by two big screen TVs with a Boise PA system. Now, even the folks in the back row of the church or the trailer, were able to watch the Reverend Helena Handbasket perform her magic in full HD.

“The comparisons to Carrie’s mom from the movie “Carrie” will probably be even more plentiful now that the faithful will see the whole show in digitized glory”, thought Elder Cheatum from his vantage point in the last row. As the Elder did a quick head count on the attendance, he mused to himself, “Barry went a little crazy at the electronics store, but from the looks of things, we’ll pay the whole bill from collections today.” 

As the Elders started the collection plate for the service, they also passed the prayer basket right behind. The prayer basket was a tradition dating back to Hiram Walker. It was the way that the parishioners could put in the name of a family member or loved one that was needing special attention from the Lord. The prayer baskets were brought to the altar after the collection and the Reverend Helena Handbasket would pull out a name or two and offer up prayers to the congregation on that person’s behalf. It was a widely held belief, almost a sign, actually, that if the Reverend didn’t pick your name, that, that person was already healing and didn’t need special prayers. The requests that were not picked out by the Reverend would be reviewed by the Women’s Auxiliary after services. Each request would receive attention, if not that day, at Wednesday Night Prayer meeting.

On this Sunday, the deep roots of Georgia football were in evidence in the prayer baskets. Georgia’s star running, Mick Chub, had been seriously hurt the day before. The prayer basket was filled with requests for prayers for Mick Chub. According to Reverend Handbasket’s retelling of the episode after services, she was shocked when the first name she pulled out was “Chubbie”. The Reverend thought that she was being pranked, and she had a good idea of who the perpetrator of the prank was. Everyone in the congregation had seen the Reverend as she turned and looked directly at Hugh Morris and said, “the prayer basket is not to be used for prayers for yourself”. When the second name the Reverend pulled out was “Mick Chub”, the Reverend’s face turned as red as her hair. The new HD TV’s showed the transformation of color in the Reverend’s face with exceptional clarity. The Reverend offered up an impassioned request for Mr. Chub’s quick healing. She also took the time to pull another half dozen names from the basket and offered entreaties to the Lord on their behalf.

The Elders were having a good laugh at the Reverend’s expense at their Wednesday morning breakfast.

“I can certainly see how she thought it was Hugh Morris asking for special assistance”, Elder Wiley said. “That old goat makes his attentions known to every good looking female under the age of thirty,” Elder Wiley continued, “and some not so good looking.”

“It was funny watching her blush,” said Elder Diggum as he dug into his steak and eggs. “And did you notice how good the reds were on those big screens?” “I think I got a really good deal, and I think that geek I hired was outstanding.” “Did I tell you he also works at Channel 99 doing camera work and stuff?”

“Only about eight times,” Elder Cheatum said, “You did good Barry, now give us some peace about it.”

“The young scholar seems off his message a bit this week”, he said as he handed that week’s copy of the North Georgia Gazette to Elder Wiley. Elder Wiley looked at the religion column as written by the young intern Howard Doohan. It read:

The holy pontiff is making a tour of the United States right now. I happen to have been deeply touched by the pontiff last night when I tuned into my favorite news show, the NBC Nightly News, no longer with Brian Williams. The new anchor, Lester Holt, does a fine job, but he is not the seasoned veteran Brian Williams is. I was bursting with anticipation to hear about the top news story of the day, a genetically engineered cross over of a farm animal and a transportation device. I believe they called it a “duckboat”. The lead story was that a “duckboat”  had run amok in Seattle with deaths and injuries and other assorted of mayhem.

But, before we could get to the lead story, the viewers had to watch the pope ride another genetically altered vehicle, called the popemobile, about a quarter of a mile to church. In deference to his advanced years, I’m going to cut the pope a lot of slack here. The pope is 78, and walking a quarter of a mile is probably too much for a man in his stage of life. I also understand that there were millions of folks in New York City that wanted to get a glimpse of his popeness as he passed by.

For occasions such as these, the pope’s entourage carry a Jeep that looks like it was designed by the folks at Tupperware. The popemobile has a snap down lid on it so the pope can be seen by everyone, but he is still behind bulletproof glass. For the longer stretches of this tour, the pope is tooling around in a micro Fiat, very consistent with his ecological message. The Jeep popemobile has got to get about 12 miles to the gallon. I guess it’s good they only use it for a quarter of a mile at a time.

Anyway, the pope finally arrives at this monster of a church that I forget has had how many hundreds of millions of dollars spent on it. The pope pops out of the popemobile and, like Edwin Edwards at a crawfish festival, starts shaking hands and kissing babies with everyone in sight.

The clock was  approaching the 7 o’clock hour, and the folks at NBC didn’t seem to be remotely motivated to move from the scene at the church. All of NBC’s viewership waited as the pope made the long slow walk down the aisle of this monster church. Finally, his popeness reached the altar of the church and began taking deep breaths in anticipation of delivering a long sermon.

At 7 o’clock, Lester and his friends had to say goodbye and relinquish their time to “Wheel of Fortune”. I was aghast. I had waited patiently for one half hour to receive information about what had set this “duckboat” off on its killing spree.

What if “duckboats” were rapidly reproducing and the streets of Blairsville were about to be overrun with genetically engineered, mentally fragile, hybrids? How was the general public supposed to respond to the threat based off of the scant information received from NBC News?

Visiting the monster church was not the only stop on the pope’s tour. The pope also visited the 9/11 memorial and gave a stirring speech to Congress. My guess is there were less deaf ears at the 9/11 memorial than in the Congress.

I realize I’ve made a feeble attempt at humor about the visitation of the leader of one of the largest religions on the planet. In his defense, he seems to be a good one, which is an exception in his position. I just marvel at the power of a man who had the ability to completely disrupt all of the media in this country, but can’t stop his priests from abusing children. This powerful man would have us believe that he is powerless to allow women control over their bodies, or allow women to advance to leadership positions in the church.

I’m out of space, but not things to say. Until next time. 

“Well, looks like he’s decided to become the humor columnist”, said Elder Wiley has he handed the paper back to Elder Cheatum.

“Works for me”, said ELder Cheatum. “I’m happy for him to shine his light on anybody but us.”

“Amen”, replied Elder Diggum.

The three friends walked out into the parking lot together.

“How are we coming with that second trailer”, asked Elder Cheatum.

“I’m going there right now to check,” Elder Wiley responded. “Barry you might need to make another run to the electronics store this week.”

“Fine, just let me know”, said Elder Diggum as he got into his car. The three friends parted until they would meet again at prayer meeting.

 

 

Good morning, y’all. We all wait with baited breath while The Donald picks a VP candidate that won’t show him up for being the fool that he is. It’s a small list, as one could imagine. Unfortunately, Justice Ginsburg has shined her light on The Donald and drawn criticism for it. Like we didn’t know what Scalia thought of President Obama. Of course that’s different, racism is acceptable to the right wing, reason is not.

Speaking of reason brings us back to the retelling of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Sunday’s service was not only packed to the gills, it was packed beyond description. Standing room only included the porch of the church with the late arrivals peeking through the doors to get a glimpse of Reverend Helena Handbasket. She did not disappoint.

The Reverend was wearing pure white robes that made her hair look like the flame on top of a candle. Her voice was never more pure as she led the choir through their program. In the absence of Ophelia Bottoms, Reverend Handbasket jumped back and forth between the choir and the pulpit. The Reverend was conducting every aspect of the service. When the Testament of Faith and altar call were made, the aisles filled rapidly with people pressing forward towards the Reverend.

Whether the initiates were feeling the call to Jesus, or just the need for more breathing room was not knowable. Elder Cheatum watched from his spot at the back of the church and felt a pang of guilt. The head counts from week to week were indicating that this day would come if the Reverend’s popularity continued. It was just hoped that they had more time. Clearly they had run out of time. In addition to fire safety issues, there was also the possibility that there were people being pushed a lot closer to venomous snakes than they intended. Before the benediction, Elder Cheatum went to his place at the front door and texted his partner Alvin Wiley. “Get those trailers here ASAP, cost is not an object,” the text read.

As the crowds left the church, the word “magical” was heard over and over. Occasionally there was a reference to “spirit filled”, but for the most part the description was “magical”. Elder Cheatum didn’t know what to make of that turn of events. This was not Siegfried and Roy. While he appreciated the large crowds, he did not want his church to become a carnival attraction. The Elder resolved to do what he could to make sure the message was delivered in the right context, and decided to discuss the matter with Reverend Handbasket that day.

Unfortunately, the Reverend escaped before the Elder could approach her. Reverend Helena was headed back to her home in Ellijay to gather her belongings. The Reverend would be moving into the rectory at the end of the week and was taking the week off to make the move. It was perceived that the eviction of the Bread’s from the rectory would be easier on everyone if Reverend Handbasket was not in sight. Alva Bread had already proven herself to be a vengeful woman. The Elders could not speculate how Alva Bread would react to Reverend Handbasket trying to move in as she was moving out.

The first trailer arrived Monday morning. The Elders were able to outfit the single wide trailer to the side of the main building with a lot of help from a lot of volunteers. All concerned agreed that it was an abomination, but they had to do something to make room for the overflow crowds. The new setup required some specialized carpentry, but they were able to get the job done in six days.

Being able to wrap up the work in time for the Sunday service was perceived by all as a good omen. The trailer added seating for about a hundred more worshipers, and an oddly placed bathroom. The Elders did a walk around of the new space on Saturday about lunch time.

“We needed that extra bathroom indoors,” said Elder Diggum as he returned from his inspection of the new plumbing addition. “I’m just concerned that the proximity of the trailer bathroom to the auditorium might create some odd moments.”

“Hopefully, the crowd will be so enthused from start to finish that the sound of people praising the Lord will drown out any inappropriate noises”, said Elder Wiley. “I think they did a right fine job of getting everything to match up.”  “What do you think, Buster?” he said as he turned to Elder Cheatum.

“I think there’s no amount of lipstick that can be thrown on this pig to make it look presentable, but we don’t have a better option right now”, Elder Cheatum said as he banged his palm against the external wall of the trailer checking for structural integrity. “What’d we pay for this thing?” He asked.

“Three grand for the trailer, five hundred for the haul, everything else was donated.” Elder Wiley responded.

“Ok, here’s what I want you to do” Elder Cheatum said to Elder Diggum. “I want you to go buy the biggest, cheapest big screen TV you can find and a good digital camera.” “Then we’re going to install the camera in the ceiling about mid way back in the auditorium.”

Elder Cheatum pointed at the wall separating the new seating area and the bathroom. “Mount the TV on that wall so the folks sitting in the trailer will have a good view of the show at all times.” “If you need to hire a geek to make it work, do it, you have my blessing.”

“Amen to the geek”, Elder Diggum said. “You all want to do lunch first?”

“No, I need to do some errands and make some calls,” said Elder Cheatum. “The Bread brood has ended up at Mulva’s trailer park and I understand it’s causing some discord.” “I thought I would check in with the Breads, and the Lites, and see if I can smooth the troubled waters.”

“I’ll come with”, Elder Wiley said to Elder Diggum. “I hate to miss an opportunity to look at the latest gadgets.”

“Looks like Reverend Helena is getting moved in ok”, Elder Diggum said as they walked to their cars.

“Yeah, I wonder who that ol’ boy is that’s helping her with the boxes”, said Elder Cheatum as he nodded towards the Uhaul truck and the six foot four Adonis carrying a five drawer dresser into the house by himself.

“I don’t know, but I’d like to know if he’s got any eligibility left.”, responded Elder Wiley. “Georgia’s needing tight ends this year.”

“I think I’ll go ask”, said Elder Cheatum, “We don’t need anymore surprises this year.”

Elder Cheatum was surprised to find that Reverend Handbasket’s helper was her twin brother. And, “no”, he didn’t have any eligibility left.

Elder Cheatum was more than just a little amused to find himself grinning as he drove towards the TackyToo Trailer Park. Tomorrow was shaping up to be an absolutely blessed day. What could go wrong?

Good morning, y’all. As the scrutiny is drawn from the police shooting innocents in Baton Rouge and Minneapolis, to the fallen officers in Dallas, demonstrations are popping up all over the country. The demonstrators are reminding the media that the reason the Dallas shooter gave for shooting the officers was retaliation for the systematic abuse of blacks at the hands of the police nationwide. Once the Dallas shootings are put behind us, perhaps someone, somewhere, will dive neck deep into the issue and come up with a plan that keeps us all safe.

Speaking of keeping us safe brings us back to the retelling of the Full Gospel Original Church of God. Shortly after the firing of the choir director, Ophelia Bottoms, the skies opened up and deluged the area with rain. The rain fell non-stop in Nunsuch like the floods in the Bible. From Thursday through Sunday service, the rain fell like it would never stop. There was so much water that Reverend Handbasket was asked to mention in her prayers that the area needed a little relief. In her benediction, Reverend Handbasket entreated the Lord to open Heaven for souls, but not to let any more rain pass through.

In point of fact, Reverend Handbasket asked the parishioners to stay back after service to offer up special prayers to the Lord. The Reverend quoted Matthew 18:20,“For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst“, as the rationale to call group attention to the problem. Over forty people stayed behind to offer a special entreaty to the Lord for relief from the floods.

As Elder Cheatum watched from his vantage point in the last row he reflected on the influence the new minister was having on the congregation. To have this many people stay behind and miss part of their NFL experience was amazing. Admittedly, it was for a good cause, the area was flooded, but still, this turnout was a powerful statement of the Reverend’s popularity.

“It seems that the Reverend Handbasket has found a real home at our little church,” Elder Cheatum thought to himself. “The church has been packed to the rafters at every service since she took over, and salvation is at an all time high.” “If the tithing continues to match the attendance, then it won’t be long before our little church will be looking to expand.” 

The Elder brought up expansion at the Wednesday morning breakfast at IHOP. As he watched Elder Diggum dig into his Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity Pancakes with steak breakfast on the side, the Elder began; “We need to start talking about expansion.” “We’ve got standing room only now and I think we’re turning people away.” “Ideas?”

“Well, this is going to sound crazy, but I can get my hands on a couple of FEMA trailers for next to nothing,” Elder Wiley said. “I think we could open the side of the trailer, and match it up to the side of the church.” “We’d put folding chairs in the main part of the trailer and put in a big screen TV for the folks to watch.”  “That’s what those mega-churches do in Atlanta.” “They just add seating room for the congregation to watch the service on TV”.

Elder Diggum stopped his fork mid-swing; and, with a full mouth of food interjected, “My God, are you kidding?” “People are coming all the way from South Georgia, West Tennessee, all over, and we’re going to invite them in to watch the service on TV?” “I never in my wildest nightmares thought I’d see this day.”

“It’s a temporary fix, Barry”, Elder Wiley said. “It’ll cost next to nothing to implement, and we’ll gain sanctuary size and probably a couple of bathrooms.” “That can’t be bad.”

“Think temporary, Barry,” Elder Cheatum said. “I think it could work, and if we can implement the plan as cheap as Alvin says, I say go for it.” “Alvin, why don’t you start a plan in motion, and get two of them while you’re at it.” “We need to ride this pony for as long as we can.”

“While I’ve got the floor”, Elder Cheatum continued, “We need to talk about our star’s remuneration.” “Right now she’s getting paid about 70% of what we paid Dale.” “Now, admittedly, Dale came with a lot of mouths to feed, but his value to the church’s earning power had peaked.” “We don’t know where the ceiling is with Reverend Helena.” “I’ll be able to give some better numbers tonight, or Mulva will, at our board meeting.” “But, I think Reverend Helena has been doubling Dale’s best Sunday ever on a consistent basis.” “Part of it is more butts in the seats, but it’s also the fact that each individual is giving more.”

“We’ll talk some more tonight”, Elder Cheatum said as he reached for the check. “Barry, it’s your turn, here you go.”

“My turn, how do you get that it’s my turn?” Elder Diggum asked as he took the check, “I paid last time.”

“Any time you eat three times as much as me and Alvin put together, it’s your turn.” Elder Cheatum replied as he walked past the cashier and out the door. The three friends reconvened in the parking lot before heading off on their appointed rounds.

The board meeting after Wednesday Night Prayer service was very low key compared to the previous meetings. Mulva Lite related that Reverend Helena Handbasket had indeed been doubling Reverend Dale’s collections. There was so much money in the reserve fund now that the church could invest their interest earnings in a variety of projects without putting a dent in the principle. A mission to Central America was dear to Mulva’s heart. Failing that, an outreach program to the local Hispanic community was another idea put forward by the secretary/treasurer.

“Good ideas, good ideas”, said Elder Cheatum. “Let’s discuss them again after we get this sanctuary project off the ground, ok?” Everyone nodded their head in agreement.

“You’re looking awful flush tonight”, Elder Diggum said to Elder Cheatum, “You having a stroke or something?”

“No, no, thanks for the concern”, Elder Cheatum replied, “I did a little field work today.”

“Field work, what kind of field work?” Elder Wiley inquired.

“Well, I’ve kind of been missing Old Ben, so I thought I’d look to see if I could find him, or one of his cousins.” Elder Cheatum replied. “I know we can wait until the rattlesnake roundup in Folkston to get a replacement.” “We’d also save the little feller from being barbecued, but I thought I’d just do a little walkabout for myself.”

“Well as long as you don’t go all wonkey like Steve Irwin.” Elder Wiley replied.

“Steve Irvin?” asked Mulva.

“Yeah, you know, that Aussie smart aleck that plays with dangerous animals so he can make it look easy for a kid to do,” Elder Wiley replied. “Used to play, I should say”.

Elder Wiley continued on, “Irwin was the most famous snake hunter to ever grace these mountains, if you ask him.” “He came to our area looking for timber rattlers.” “Apparently since he’s faced off with those cobras that immobilize their victims by spitting in their eyes, he thought he’d be interested in facing off with the biggest and baddest snake America has to offer.” “There’s a video of the encounter on Youtube.” “You all should watch it.” “It’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.”

Elder Wiley drew a breath and continued, “If you watch closely, you’ll see that while Irwin is climbing over boulders looking for rattlers, he positions himself so that the cameraman can get Irwin and the snake in the same shot.” “After Irwin puts himself in a squat over two rocks, he realizes that he has squatted directly over another rattler.” “If the rattler strikes, the first thing in the way is Irwin’s family jewels.” “It was lucky for Irwin it was a cold fall day and the snakes were sluggish, otherwise ………” 

“I’ll have to check that out,” Elder Cheatum said. “I thought with this being the first sunny day after all of our rain that I’d catch a big boy out sunning himself, but, it wasn’t in the stars today.” “I did get a little sunshine, though, and I’m happy about that.”

“Is there any more business?” Elder Cheatum asked as he stood. Everyone looked at each other and shook their heads no. “Ok then, see you all on Sunday.” Elder Cheatum said.

The board headed off into the night to their respective homes and lives before the call to duty would once again bring them back to the little church in the valley.

Good morning, y’all. The news of the sniper shooting and killing five Dallas police officers saddens us all. The shooting should come as no surprise to any of us, and not because of the traditional concept of vengeance. It shouldn’t be a surprise because of the numbers of veterans returning from war zones that need specialized help assimilating back into society; and the help is not available to them. It shouldn’t be a surprise because of the easy access to military weapons in this country to everyone, regardless of mental state. It shouldn’t be a surprise because the media serves the powerful and rarely pursues justice for the victims of police shootings.

Speaking of surprise, brings us back the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. It was Thursday, September 24th, and Elder Cheatum thought he detected a touch of Fall in the air. It couldn’t come quick enough for the Elder. The older he got, the less he was able to tolerate the heat that was now everywhere. It was cooler still in the mountains than it was in the city, but when it’s in  the 90’s in the mountains, it is still intolerable. Elder Cheatum pulled into his reserved spot in the parking lot of the Full Gospel Original Church of God. Alva Bread was rocking on the front porch of the rectory with a couple of her babies scattered about the porch. The Elder tried to not look her way as he entered the church.

The rest of the board was already sitting in the office, along with the choir director, Ophelia Bottoms.

“Sorry I’m late”, Elder Cheatum said as he took his chair, “Have I missed anything?”

“Well, Ophelia here has been telling us that she and Reverend Bread have been ‘close’ since she joined our church last year,” said Elder Wiley. “Reverend Bread discovered Ophelia singing at the ‘Rise and Grind’ coffee shop over in Helen and recommended that she come here and apply for the job of choir director.”

“They’ve been meeting three or four times a week”, Elder Wiley continued, “and some of the time they’re working on choral arrangements.” “Is that about right?” the Elder asked the choir director.

“We’re in love”, replied Ophelia, “can’t nothing you all say or do will change that.”

“No, I guess you’re right”, said Elder Cheatum, “but we can keep you from practicing your ‘love’ on church grounds.” “You’re fired, but, I guess you already know that from Dale.” “We have a check for you for one month’s severance, and some paper work for you to sign.”

As Elder Wiley slid the check and the contract across the table to the choir director, he began to speak. “The paper work says that you will not reveal the conditions surrounding your termination to anyone.” “No running to the paper, no running to the state looking for unemployment.” “We’d be happy if you and Dale ride off into the night and are never heard from again, understand?”

Ophelia looked at the check, and the contract, and then the check again.

“We’d be happy to”, she said as she signed her name to the bottom of the contract. “You know, you all ain’t as holy as you like to think you are”, she said as she pushed the contract back to Elder Wiley. “I hear things.”

“I’m sure you do”, said Elder Wiley as he folded the contract and put it into the breast pocket of his suit. “That’s why you signed the contract, whatever you’ve heard, whatever you know, stays in that pretty little head of yours.” “If it doesn’t, we’ll come after you with the full authority of the state of Georgia and God Almighty.”

Elder Wiley rose from the table. “We’re done; Mulva will go with you to gather any personal items you might have about and to escort you to the door.””Mulva?” he said as he looked at the secretary/treasurer.

The ladies left the room and the men breathed a collective sigh. “Will that contract hold up in court?” Elder Diggum asked.

“A contract is as strong as the parties believe it to be, is what I always say,” Elder Wiley replied. “If she believes we’ll pursue her until Gabriel blows his horn, she won’t give us any trouble.”

“Well, I guess it’s always good to have God on our side”, replied Elder Diggum. “Now what are we going to do about Dale?”

“I don’t know”, Elder Cheatum answered, “he truly has ‘made his own bed’, and now I guess we’re going to see how he likes sleeping in it.”

“Hang on to that thought”, Elder Wiley said, “I’ve got to take this.” “Ben, what’s up”, Elder Wiley said into his cell as he walked out of the room. The two remaining board members made lunch plans while waiting for their partner to return.

“That was Ben Weinberg”, the Elder said as he returned to his seat. “Guess who was in his office first thing this morning, Dale Bread!” “Apparently after finding out that Bud Jr. wasn’t going to lock up Alva, Dale has decided to file a civil lawsuit against her.” “He’s got his mind wrapped around the idea that Alva’s actions caused him to lose his job, and therefore injured him financially.” 

Elder Wiley took a breath and continued, “I guess he’s hoping for some sort of verdict that gets him clear of alimony.” “I reckon he figures paying child support for his seven little ones is going to be punishment enough for his dalliance.”

“Well”,  began Elder Cheatum, “I guess Dale must be feeling pretty overwhelmed by the prospect of losing his life’s work, his calling if you will, at the same time that his financial burdens are going to skyrocket.”

Mulva Lite returned to the room and the Elders gave her the latest news. “I just feel sorry for those babies,” she said, “it ain’t their fault that their parents are a train wreck.” “I wonder if Alva’s family over in Helen will help out.”

“That’s good, Mulva, why don’t you check on her plans while we cogitate on what to do about Dale”, said Elder Cheatum. “Are we adjourned?”, he asked as everyone got up to leave.

“We are”, replied Elder Diggum.  

Good morning, y’all. So much wild and crazy stuff in the news today. The video of the man being executed in Baton Rouge is devastating. How any jury could watch that video and not send those officers away forever is beyond me. I realize I’m predicting here, but I’ve got a hundred years or so of data to base my predictions on. You see those officers and all of the tools on their belts, and you wonder why the only tool they can think to use is the gun. Perhaps if the police feared the law as much as they expect to be feared, they would act more prudently.

Speaking of acting prudently brings us back again to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting was the least spirit filled service that anyone could ever remember attending in the little church. It was like all of the air had been let out of Right Reverend Dale E. Bread. There was no pizzaz, no fire, no energy. The church board fairly rushed to the office after the benediction to escape the sanctuary. Mulva Lite started talking before everyone was seated and the door was shut.

Mulva related to the other members of the board that her son, Bud Junior had been visited by the Right Reverend on Monday morning. Bud Junior was the current chief of police for Nunsuch, Georgia. The Right Reverend was seeking to bring charges against his wife for attempted murder. According to Mulva, Bud Junior had told the Right Reverend that while rousing the snakes was not exactly the Christian thing to do, there was certainly no reason for locking up Alva Bread. Bud Junior related to his mom that the Right Reverend expressed the desire to get “some sort of ” police protection to protect him from his wife. Bud Junior indicated to the Right Reverend that perhaps if he felt that threatened, he should remove himself from the situation.

Mulva continued the story at high speed. According to Ladies Auxillary member Annie Howe, the Right Reverend had done just that. He was seen leaving the rectory that afternoon carrying a suitcase and a large duffel bag. Mulva had no confirmation on where the Right Reverend had landed yet, but he had been seen in Blairsville in the company of Ophelia Bottoms on Tuesday. Ms. Bottoms lived in one of those “swinging singles” apartment complexes near the Walmart. It wouldn’t be too hard to confirm the Right Reverend’s current living situation, Mulva surmised.

“Well, I will just be darned”, said Elder Cheatum, “I am so disappointed.” “I thought he was going to pull himself out of it, but it doesn’t look like he can.” “Barry, you need to call Helena Handbasket and book her for the balance of the year, if you can.” “Pay her the same as a man.” “Alvin, where do we stand legally?” Elder Cheatum said as he looked at his friend.

“Well, I don’t know that there has ever been any precedent here, but I think we can probably move forward like Dale has quit”, Elder Wiley replied. “He’s pretty effectively abandoned his post, if you will.” “If he’s living in town with our choir director he’s certainly broken our morals clause.” Elder Wiley continued, “Abandoning his wife and seven children is not going to sit well with any member of our community, so I don’t expect there will be any backlash no matter what action we take.”

“What say you, Barry?” Elder Cheatum said.

“I’d say I picked a really bad day to quit sniffing glue.” Elder Diggum replied, “Just kidding, Mulva.” “I think Reverend Dale has dug himself a real deep hole, and he hasn’t learned the first rule of holes yet.” “It’s a shame that it’s his family that is going to bear the brunt of this.” Elder Diggum continued,”We can’t let his family keep the rectory, while Dale’s dallying in Blairsville and not preaching on Sunday.” “Aw, heck!” Elder Diggum exclaimed as if he just thought of something else . “We’ve got to replace Ophelia too, dang it!” 

“Alvin, how about you get Dale back here, right now,” Elder Cheatum said. “Call his cell and don’t accept any excuses, we need to resolve this tonight.” “Barry, you call Reverend Handbasket and get her committed.” ” I need to talk to Mulva a minute.”

The two elders left the office to make their calls while Elder Cheatum conferred with the secretary/treasurer. “Mulva, I know our numbers are way up, what’s your sense of if, or how long, they’re going to stay that way?” “Can Helena sustain the growth we’re experiencing, or is it just a curiosity, a flash in the pan?”

“Well..”, Mulva started, “I think there’s curiosity, but I think there’s a spirituality that can’t be denied.” “As fundamental as Granny Waller is, she even said it was about darned time to give a woman a chance.” “If she’s on board, I don’t think you’re going to have a problem with anyone else.” “You could offer the job conditionally until Christmas and that would get us to the next revival.” “We could do another try out then if Helena’s not working out.” “Of course, that’s how we got Dale”, she added.

Elder Cheatum gave the secretary a wry grin. “Ok, I think we’re on the same page.”

The other two Elders returned announcing successful missions. Reverend Handbasket was overjoyed at having the commitment from the little church. Reverend Bread was on his way back to the church. Reverend Bread arrived a few minutes later. He did not take the news delivered by the church board of directors very well.

Reverend Bread’s employment was terminated immediately. He would received one month’s severance and any outstanding tithe overrides. His family was given one month to seek different accommodations. While his family would have the use of the church’s vehicles during this time, Reverend Bread was cautioned that the vehicles were not to leave Union county. The line of credit extended by the Hawker’s General Store would be extended for a month, but, it was not to be abused.

At the end of the meeting, Reverend Bread and Mulva Lite were both crying. Reverend Bread was crying hysterically. Under normal circumstances, the Elders would offer to give a ride, or call for a ride for one so bereaved. Neither option seemed viable as they would both result in the possibility of confronting their choir director, and the Elders had already experienced enough anguish for one evening. They would save her termination for the next day.

As Elder Cheatum left the parking lot he could see the young reverend sitting with his head between his legs on the front steps of the church. Mulva Lite sat beside him, patting him on the back. “Lord, what fools these mortals be”, he thought to himself as he continued into the pitch black night.

 

 

Good morning, y’all. I see by the news that North Carolina is having trouble once again with their massive mega-pig farms. Residents are complaining of  a “putrid pollution” being spread through the air waves. The stench in the air is so strong that residents are forced to stay inside to escape the stench. In a related news item, I see where The Donald is touring the state seeking support from the Tarheels. If the Republicans believed in science you could say “cause and effect”, but, they don’t.

Speaking of cause and effect brings us to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. During the customary Wednesday morning breakfast at the Blairsville Denny’s, Elder Barry Diggum declined the opportunity to have himself immortalized on the wall of the restaurant. The Denny’s manager wanted to have Elder Diggum’s picture placed on the wall along side of the other choking victims saved by the manager. It was just a small tribute to the manager, and in his opinion, it was the least the victims could do to say thanks for the life saving action provided by the manager. If Elder Diggum wanted to send the manager a short letter expressing his thanks, that would be ok, too. The manager would be happy to have that framed, if the Elder was camera shy. Elder Diggum told the manager he would “certainly think about it.”

After the manager left their table, Elder Diggum turned to his friends and said, “Looks like we’ll have to be finding a new place for breakfast.”

“Yeah, I hate it, but it looks like that guy ain’t going to be happy until you give him a picture, or a letter, or a car or something.” said Elder Cheatum.

“I vote on IHOP”, said Elder Wiley, “I always feel so international when I eat there.”

“All in favor”, said Elder Diggum between large bites of his double stack.

“Motion carried”, said Elder Cheatum without looking up from the latest edition of the North Georgia Gazette. “Well, I guess the phrase ‘better them than us applies’, but this religion reporter seems to really have a thing for Pentecostals”, he said as he handed the paper to Elder Wiley.  Elder Wiley folded the paper long-wise so he could read with one hand and continue to drink his coffee with the other. The article read:

Today I’d like to talk about misogyny. To keep you from running for your Webster’s or having to do the Google search, misogyny is defined as “a dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women“. Truth be told, misogyny is the 11th commandment for organized religion. Very few religions allow the ordination of women into their clergy. One could easily ask the question of how women are so visibly serving in so many ways in various religions, and yet are denied the opportunity to hold positions of power.

There is no denying to any rational thinking human that the males would not be capable of their accomplishments without the widespread support of the females. Whether the women serve as nuns, members of an auxillary, or other type of support group, they are there, working long hours with scant recognition. And yet, organized religion seems to hold its female members in the same regard as a biker gang holds their ‘old ladies’. They are there to serve the male’s needs, remain quiet and keep their opinions to themselves. 

In this one instance, the Church of God appears to be forward thinking.

Probably the most famous female clergy ever was Aimee Semple McPherson, a Pentecostal evangelist in the early to mid 1900’s. Her use of the radio to broadcast her sermons was the precursor to modern day televangelism.

In her day, Aimee Semple McPherson was the most widely known Christian evangelist. She is widely credited with reviving the evangelical movement. Through private donations, McPherson built the Angelius Temple, considered to be the largest single Christian congregation in the world. The church was believed to have hosted over 40 million visitors in the first seven years of operation. McPherson referred to her teachings as the “the Foursquare Gospel”, in which she blended contemporary culture and traditional religious teachings.

As we all know, scandal seems to follow success like smell on a skunk, and Aimee Semple McPherson was not without her alleged scandals. Extra marital affairs, a possible fake kidnapping and financial issues plagued Mrs. McPherson in her later days. She died in 1944 of a possible drug overdose. Over 45,000 people attended her wake. Today her church claims over eight million followers and her legacy has tentacles throughout the evangelical movement all over the world.

Some of these tentacles include assorted neo-Nazi militia groups that can trace their roots back to McPherson’s principles of British Israelism. British Israelism was a principle based on the belief that the Anglo Saxons were one of the supposed ‘lost tribes’ of Israel. McPherson’s association with the Jeffreys brothers in Ireland, and their church, the Elim Foursquare Gospel Alliance, certainly played an influence on her teachings. These teachings gave rise to the Christian Identity movement, which was originally incorporated in Los Angeles in 1948. Offshoots of the Christian Identity movement are the Posse Comitatus, Aryan Nations, The Christian Patriot branch, The Committee of the States, the Unorganized Militia and others. Many of these groups are rumored to be well armed with military grade weapons and capable of defending themselves against any aggressor, including the U.S. Army.

Maybe we can conclude that McPherson’s message was perverted by some of the men who followed her. Hard to say, it’s just a shame that one of the few female religious leaders ever, certainly the most successful, has had her legacy so tainted. All the more reason to give women more chances at leadership, in my opinion. Women deserve to have the same opportunities of influence as men, even if their influence sometimes turns out bad.

“Well looks to me like this young fellow heartily approves of our current situation, if I’m looking at the silver lining”, Elder Wiley said as he passed the article to Elder Diggum. “Of course I’m having to ignore being called a militaristic, heavily-armed racist to look at the silver lining.”

“Now Alvin, don’t be so sensitive”, said Elder Cheatum, “They’re not going to make you give up your Sherman Tank.”

“Well, I hope they don’t try”, Elder Wiley said as he left the tip on the table and got up to leave. “They’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands,” he said with a grin.

The three friends parted company in the parking lot to carry on their normal daily activities. They would meet later that night after Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting to discuss another matter of great importance.

 

 

Good morning, y’all. As we throw the apple chips in the Big Green Egg and adjust the temperature for a long slow cook, we are reminded of what it is like to live in this ongoing experiment called representative democracy. Like real democracy, representative democracy has its flaws. First among them is the fact that our representatives are able to chose who among us they represent. That kind of takes voting out of the process, which is the hallmark of the democratic system. Just something to ponder while we turn a pig into the most gorgeous animal imaginable.

Speaking of pondering brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The board meeting following Wednesday night prayer meeting had opened with an attempt at joviality. Elder Cheatum had related an old joke told to him by his grandfather,

“Did you hear the one about the choir director that chased the pastor around the church?”

“She caught him by the organ.”

“My granddaddy told me that joke when I was about 10.” “I didn’t get it then, but I certainly do now.” 

As he looked around the room the Elder saw nothing but frowns on the other member’s faces. “Too soon?”, he asked.

Mulva Lite reported to the group that the scandal between the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread and Mrs. Bread was reaching Biblical proportions among the congregation. One staunch member of the Ladies Auxillary, Constance Winer, claimed to have seen Mrs. Bread abusing the snakes prior to the snakes being moved outside for the fish fry. From Constance’s description of the incident, it sounded like any snake that Reverend Bread chose to work with would have been less than amenable to the Reverend. The fact that it was Old Ben, well, that was just the luck of the draw.

Mulva continued on, “Seems like there are a lot of discussions of whether law enforcement needs to be notified or not.”

“My take is no”, replied Elder Wiley, “the Reverend knew the risks, and all that Alva Bread did was raise the odds for disaster a little.” “Sort of like adding the second bullet to a gun in Russian roulette.” Elder Wiley continued, “Alva didn’t make the Reverend pick up the gun, er, snake.”

“We’ll see how it plays out.” Elder Diggum said, “Law enforcement can show tremendous restraint in involving themselves in family matters, sometimes.” “Maybe they won’t want to amuse themselves with our little domestic struggle.”

There being no further business, Elder Wiley called Reverend Bread to join them in the office. As the Reverend sat down he began speaking before anyone else had a chance.

“I just want to tell you all how sorry I am for all of this mess.” The Reverend began, “I am working to repair the damage done to my marriage, and I ask that you give me enough time to get that squared away before you make any decisions about my employment.” “I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but I’m appealing to your charity to give me one.”

The Reverend looked each board member in the eye as he made his appeal. There was no doubting the look of sincerity in his eyes.

“I tell you Dale, I’m not sure which is more upsetting, your infidelity or your lack of discretion.” Elder Cheatum said. “Our church has been tarred by your actions.” “We have become the laughing stock of North Georgia.”

The Reverend lowered his head for a few seconds. When he raised it again there were tears in his eyes.

“I promise you, it won’t happen again,” said the Reverend, “I’m begging for your compassion.”

Elder Wiley looked the Reverend square in the eye as he delivered the news. “You are on suspension until further notice.” “Your pay will be docked an equal amount to the amount we pay the substitute preachers.” “All of your family’s other privileges will remain in place, until further notice.”  “We want you to recover, no one wants you to succeed more than the people in this room.” “That said, we’re done with your shenanigans.”  “Go to a psychiatrist, if you need to, to work out your issue with snakes.” “Go to a counselor, if you need to, to work out your issues with your wife.” “Whatever it takes, you’ve got ninety days to get yourself solved; less if there are any reports of any further improprieties.” 

“Do we understand each other?” The Elder asked.

“Yes sir”, the Reverend replied, “Thank you all, I won’t let you down again, I promise.”

The Elders watched the Reverend through the window of the office as he returned to his home next door. Elder Diggum summed up the situation for all of the members of the group. “It’s just a dang shame,” he said.

Sunday’s services were once again handled by Reverend Helena Handbasket. In spite of the heat, The Full Gospel Original Church of God was once again packed to the rafters.

“Hot enough to melt the hinges on the doors of hell”, thought Elder Cheatum as he looked at the packed sanctuary.

The Elder tried to pick out the “flatlanders” from his vantage in the back row. Folks were now coming from as far away as Atlanta to see the Reverend Handbasket wield her otherworldly magic with the serpents. The Reverend had seen a few cars in the parking lot with Fulton, Dekalb and Cobb county plates.

“Everybody that lives up here must have kin that has moved to the city”, the Elder thought.

It was a good thing to have people come back home, even if it was as a curiosity. The Elder hoped the experience for the city dwellers was everything that their mountain cousins had promised. In spite of the fact that Reverend Handbasket was not working with a timber rattler yet, her serpent skills were formidable. Where Reverend Handbasket really excelled, though, was her showmanship. Her command of the stage was without parallel, there was no denying it. What the Elders were having a hard time denying was the Reverend’s request to pay her as much as “any man”.

If Helena kept dragging the crowds like she’d been doing, and the crowds kept tithing like they were embarrassed they weren’t giving more, then Elder Cheatum could certainly see a way forward to paying her more. Besides, it would only be for another ninety days or so while Reverend Dale got his act together. Then everything would return to normal, and maybe some of the today’s visitors would have decided to stick with the little church.

Lost in his revelry, Elder Cheatum almost missed his cue to start the collection plate moving. The Elder stayed in the “now” for the balance of the sermon and took his place at the door at the end of the service. Looking back at the altar he could see that Reverend Handbasket was still working with a crowd requesting blessings. There was no denying it, she had something. “Maybe the church ought to get her a fruit basket or something”, he thought, “I’ll have to ask Mulva what she thinks.” The Elder made a mental note as he shook hands and patted backs. He vowed  to ask Mulva after Prayer Meeting on Wednesday night.

 

Good morning, y’all. Well the big news is that former President Clinton, or Clinton the first, was seen visiting Attorney General Loretta Lynch on her plane. Of course the Repubs are crying foul and acting like the fix is in if Hillary is no billed for espionage. I guess my first thought is, if you wanted to do something in secret, would you do it in public in front of a bunch of reporters? Seems like that would be against the first rule of secrets, “keep it private”. Meantime, Hillary gave another four hours of her life explaining to the FBI something that doesn’t need explaining. When will it end, o’ Lord, when will it end?

Speaking of explaining things brings us back to our retelling of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Elders have just been informed that the wife of their minister had sabotaged her husband due to his infidelity with the choir director.

“Alva”, began Elder Wiley, “does Dale know you did it?”

“Of course,” she replied, “I told him I was sorry he got hurt so bad, but I’m not sorry he’s been cut down a peg or two.” “Now there’s a woman doing his job, and doing it better than he does it, in my opinion.” “I’m happy that I’ve disrupted his life.”

The Elders look at one another telepathically sending the message, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

Elder Cheatum was first to speak. “Alva, does Dale know you’re here confessing?” “What does he think is going to be the resolution of all of this?”

“He told me not to come”, Alva replied, “he thinks you all are going to fire him.” “But I told him you wouldn’t fire him, he’s been disabled on the job.” “He’s due Worker’s Compensation, or something like that.”

“Well, Alva”, said Elder Wiley, “that’s not exactly true.” “First off, you all have been getting paid since the ‘accident’, and we’ve handled all of the medical bills.” “If it turns out that Dale is unable to perform the functions of his job as outlined in his job description, then we have every right to replace Dale.” “If there is a disability claim, it would be between you and the state of Georgia, not us.”

Alva’s face went into an immediate pout that looked like she was about to start crying again.

Elder Wily heads off the waterworks by saying, “But we’re not there, yet. ” “We’re hoping Dale will get well right away and continue to be our minister forever.” “You’ve given us a lot to think about, Alva.” Elder Wiley rose to indicate that the meeting was over.

“I just needed you all to know the truth, about me and Dale”, Alva said as she rose to leave, “You all have been so good to us, I didn’t feel right hiding lies.”

“You did the right thing”, Elder Wiley said as he placed an arm around the shoulder of the minister’s wife. “Now you head on back home and tell Dale everything is ok.”

“Thank you, Elder”, Ava said and she left.

Elder Wiley sat back down and looked at the group around him. “Mulva, I can’t think of anything to say that doesn’t involve some blasphemy, so I guess I’ll let the others talk.” The rest of the group stared back mutely.

“Ok, why don’t we take this up again after prayer meeting tomorrow night?” Elder Wiley said. “That’ll give me time to draw up Dale’s job description.”

The board of The Full Gospel Original Church of God adjourned to the quiet and comfort of their own homes. Exhausted board members returned to their families unable to unburden themselves from the goings on of the church. It was like “C.S.I” had mashed with “Days of Our Lives” and “Cheaters”. The best show in town was going on behind the doors of the little church, and the board members were honor bound to not discuss it outside of the four walls of the church.

After prayer meeting on Monday night, the board met briefly to add the job description of Minister to their corporate minutes. Having the job description previously determined by whatever Hawker happened to be minister at the time, had taken a lot of the administrative burden off of the board. Things were different now, and the board needed to do things by the book. There was no telling what legal landmines waited out there.

Elder Diggum was nearly lost during Wednesday morning’s breakfast. While trying to talk, and swallow half of an egg, cheese and ham biscuit, the gristle in the ham got caught mid-swallow. Elder Diggum had turned a fine shade of purplish red before the manager of Denny’s dislodged the biscuit using the Heimlich maneuver. Apparently the manager was well-versed in the maneuver, and how to spot potential choking victims. Elder Diggum had just finished reading that week’s North Georgia Gazette’s religion column by Howard Doohan. Elder Diggum was about to give a comment about the last line of the article when the gristle got caught. The article was as follows: 

Today I’d like to talk about prophets. Every religion has them. Some prophets are benign enough, they prophesize things that won’t hurt if they don’t come true. Prophecies of impending stock market crashes are benign if the prophet tells you to sell your stocks and put the money in your bank account. If the prophecy ends with you putting the money in the prophet’s bank account, or church bank account, well, that’s a different thing.

Prophets sometimes don’t agree about who the prophets are. The big schism between factions of Islam is about whether prophet X is the true prophet, or whether prophet Y is. Like any good religious disagreement, it can only be resolved by one side purging the other side from the face of the earth. It’s the old, “the only good heretic is a dead heretic” rule. I always wonder if prophet X should have foreseen being wiped out by prophet Y, or vice-versa.

Prophets are fairly adept at ignoring all of the basic rules that the rest of us live by. Whether the rules are called the Ten Commandments or “Herschel’s Big Three”, prophets will subvert the rules of their religion for their own aggrandisement. If you follow the advancement of most religions; at some point, the leaders, the prophets, will call a time out on morality to advance their cause. Supposedly, the prophets see something that we mere mortals don’t see. This unseen condition allows for the suspension of all the rules of civilization.

Big time false prophets brings us to the Jimmy and Tammy Faye Bakker scandal area. For those of you too young to remember, Jimmy and Tammy Faye Bakker were the “nuts” back in the ’80’s in the televangelism business. Their Praise The Lord club, or PTL as they called it, raised more money than Croesus. At one point, they were raking in a million dollars a week in donations. Besides the cash flow from donations, they also had the third largest theme park in the U.S.; also built by donated money. The prophet Jimmy Bakker’s downfall was a lady known as Jessica Hahn. Their respective stories vary as to who raped who, but in the end, Bakker’s reign was over. The “Praise The Loot” club was done.

Bakker was convicted of twenty four cases of fraud and fined $500,000 and sentenced to forty-five years in prison. Tammy Faye was given a life sentence of wearing clown makeup and ultra-long false eyelashes. I guess it goes without saying that a true prophet would have seen that coming.

After Wednesday night prayer meeting the Elders informed Reverend Bread that he was on “suspension” until further notice. The Reverend’s pay would be docked an equal amount to the amount paid the Reverend Helena Handbasket. All of the family’s other privileges would remain in place. The Elders dreaded the day they would have to displace the family, if it ever came to it. Hopefully, that day would never come.

 

Good morning, y’all. Shakespeare had absolutely had no idea how much “ado” could be made of nothing. For the twenty third year, and the two hundredth congressional investigation, Hillary Clinton must answer to the bloodlust of the Republicans. Millions and millions of tax payer dollars spent on investigations while our bridges crumble down around us. Maybe the continued dogged harassment of an innocent individual will finally invoke the ire of the American public. Sending the do nothing Congress home for good this year would be a fitting repayment for our wasted tax dollars.

Speaking of repayments bring us to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Wednesday night prayer meeting on September 2nd, 2015 was a calm, been here before, nothing out of the ordinary meeting. Reverend Dale’s appearance and voice seemed to be near one hundred percent. His singing voice had returned to its full robust baritone. There was no hint of any problems until Reverend Dale was asked to help carry the snake box back to the shed that housed the snake’s aquariums. Reverend Dale tried, but, the closer he got to actually touching the box, the harder his hands and arms began to shake. The Elders decided after the meeting that the services of a visiting preacher would once again be required to give their pastor more time to collect himself.

The decision to call Reverend Helena Handbasket back for the coming Sunday was made at The Embers, a high end steak house in Gainesville. The Elder’s were able to enjoy a glass of wine, or two, over their steaks while they discussed Reverend Bread’s situation. They were in uncharted waters. In one hundred and thirteen years of existence, the little church had never experienced a preacher that was unable to perform the Testament of Faith.

Elder Cheatum looked at his two friends before beginning, “Guys, I mean, this is what it is all about, isn’t it?” “If you don’t believe that the Lord protects those that are redeemed, then you need to go find you a Catholic church or something.”

“He’s just going to have to get over it”, said Elder Diggum as he reached for another roll. “I don’t know how we get him back on the horse, but he’s got to get back on the horse.”

“I hear you”, said Elder Wiley, “but I don’t think this is going to be simple.” “Dale’s afraid of the snake box, he hasn’t even touched a snake.” “That’s like being afraid of the barn because you know that there’s horses inside.” “I hate to say it, but he might be lost to us.”

“Well, I’m not ready to give up on him yet”, Elder Cheatum said as he perused the dessert menu. “We’ve got way too much invested in him to kiss that money goodbye.” “Barry, are you going to call and get Helena back for us this weekend, or do you want me to do it?” Elder Diggum said as he watched his friend down his third glass of Bordeaux.

“I got it, I got it”, said Elder Diggum as he dabbed at his lips with his napkin. “I’ll call them from my cell on the way home.” “Now, was I right about this place or not?” He asked as he reached for the check and placed the church’s credit card in the tray.

“Not bad”, the other Elders agreed in unison.

That Sunday’s service was well attended in spite of the crushing heat being visited on the area. Reverend Helena Handbasket had preached the sermon with an exuberance that was refreshing. She had handled the whole service from opening prayer to benediction like a seasoned veteran. From where Elder Cheatum sat, it appeared that the roll call had increased dramatically. The little church was nearly full. Apparently, the news of a female minister had brought people down from the hills to witness the spectacle.

After the service, the Elder encountered several clusters of people talking in the parking lot. The recurrent theme was how the Reverend Handbasket reminded them of Carrie, or Carrie’s mom, from the horror movie. Apparently, the light streaking through the Reverend Handbasket’s flowing red hair as she manipulated the serpents was more than folks could bear. Reactions to Reverend Handbasket’s Testament of Faith varied from some people rushing to the altar to rededicate their lives to Jesus, to other folks who were just struck dumb were they stood. No matter the speaker, by all accounts, it was the most “spirit filled” service the speaker had ever attended.

Basking in the glow of the moment didn’t last long as Elder Cheatum could see Elder Wiley motioning him from the porch of the church to return inside. Elder Cheatum followed Elder Wiley back into the little office of the church where they encountered Alva Bread waiting with Elder Diggum and Mulva Lite. Mrs. Reverend Dale E. Bread proceeded to reveal to the Elders that she had proof that the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread was laying on hands in an inappropriate way with the choir director, Ms. Ophelia Bottoms.

As she told her story, Mrs. Bread explained to the Elders that she had been having the reverend followed by a private investigator out of Gainesville for several weeks now. The private investigator had presented to Alva the photographic proof of the Reverend Bread’s healing ways the Saturday before the incident with Big Ben.

“I did it, it’s my fault” Alva said as she started to cry. “I knew Dale planned on taking those snakes outside for the Fish Fry.” “I just thought I’d give him something extra to think about.” “I didn’t mean for him to get hurt”, “I just didn’t want him to be so self-assured like he always is.” “He just thinks he can smile that smile of his and everything is supposed to be ok.” “I just rustled up the snakes a little bit by hitting the side of the box a few times with a broom handle” “Oh, and I might have dropped the box up and down on the floor a few times.”

The Elders were sitting with their mouths open, awestruck by the revelation. Once again, their dinghy had been cast on uncharted waters.