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All Creatures of Our God And King LI

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. If we can make it through just one more day, it will finally be over. The Republican National Convention, I mean. I have to clarify because the Repubs are predicting life will end on this planet if they don’t get their way, but you know how Republicans lie. Take “Lying Ted Cruz” for example. Feeling the desperate need to defend his wife against the charge of ugliness, and his Dad against the charge of crazy as a loon, The Tedster decided to throw himself under the Republican bus by not endorsing The Donald. The Donald was happy to drive the bus, which was a short one, if you know what I mean.

Talking about the ends of eras brings us to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The members of the board turned their attention to Elder Cheatum. His announcement that he had momentous news was exciting, and possibly scary. The board members had been through so much, that didn’t know what to expect.

Elder Cheatum cleared his voice and began, “The Full Gospel Original Church of God, is doing, very, very well.” “The question before us is, how do we apply these new found riches to the mission statement of the church?” “Will we spend the money on furthering our message by establishing missionaries throughout the world?” “Should we spend the money on improving this location’s infra-structure by building a structure of sufficient size to accommodate our anticipated future needs?” “Should the church attempt to go global by the use of advertising and mass marketing?” “Clearly some of the money should be spent by improving compensation for the Reverend Helen Handbasket”. “I’m sure that this committee could be better compensated for our time.” 

At this point, Elder Cheatum paused and looked directly at each of the select group seated around the table. 

“Which of these choices best fit our church’s mission statement, or should it be a mix of  ‘all of the above’?” the Elder asked the group. 

As each of the board members contemplated the opportunity to fund any of the items on the wish list presented by Elder Cheatum, they also considered ideas that the Elder had not mentioned. Mulva was about to mention the need for a day care for the Nunsuch area when Elder Cheatum began again. 

“I am proposing we establish a  ‘task force’”, Elder Cheatum said, “that is charged with determining the best way financially to accommodate our current growth and to sustain the growth well into the future.” “I have already begun a personal study of acquiring another, already existing structure.” “Our trailer additions can not be expanded, and a new structure on this location will take at least a year to complete.” “I should mention the disruption to the congregation that new building would cause.” “We might turn so many people away by the construction issues that we would lose the need for the additional seats.”

“You said you’ve explored an existing structure”, said Elder Wiley, “Might I ask where the structure is?”

“It’s the abandoned Mormon church in Blairsville”, Elder Cheatum answered.

“The Crystal Palace?” the other board members echoed in a derisive tone.

“Wait, wait, wait”, Elder Cheatum responded. “We don’t need to get all judgmental in this situation.” “I realize the Seventh Day Adventists over shot their market a little bit in our area.” “We’ve all heard the stories about The Adventists getting overly encouraged by all of the early signups.” “We know you can’t tell folks in these parts that the church has great stores of free food and other items available for their members.” “People around here are going to lineup for the free food, and blow off church if the church doesn’t meet their spiritual needs.”

“Or tells them they can’t drink coffee,” interjected Elder Diggum.

“Or denies them caffeine”, Elder Cheatum agreed. “Anyway, the Adventist’s loss can be our gain if we play our cards right.” “The Crystal Palace is available for our use, if we can persuade our congregation to move to town.”

“Well you were right about one thing”, Elder Wiley said, “you came here to drop a bomb.”

“I don’t know what to say, what to think”, replied Mulva, “I’ve never contemplated worshiping anywhere but in this church.” “My family is buried in that cemetery, I plan on being buried in that cemetery alongside of my family.” “I just don’t know what to think.”

“I’m not saying that is what we’re going to do,” Elder Cheatum replied, “I’m just throwing out options.”

Elder Cheatum looked at Mulva whose face showed her heartbreak.

“Look, let’s just think about it all.” “We don’t need to do anything tonight.” “I’ll get some bids on a new structure, and we can study things more closely later.” “For right now I think we all agree that for The Full Gospel Original Church of God to maintain it’s growth trajectory, we have to lock up Reverend Helena.” “Would you all agree?” 

The assembled responded with a collective “yes”.

“I’m proposing we give Reverend Helena a ‘base plus commission’ situation.” “I think that we should raise her base by twenty percent, and give her five percent of all collections, no matter the source.” “If folks in TV land send a hundred thousand dollars a week, then Reverend Helena gets a bonus of five-thousand dollars a week.” “Does that seem fair to you all?”

The board members looked at each other contemplating the large numbers being mentioned. While nodding agreement to one another, the group responded, “yes”. The motion was carried.

“Good, good”, responded Elder Cheatum, “Mulva, will you give Reverend Helena the good news?”

The secretary/treasure smiled her agreement.

“I know I’ve given you all a lot to think about, and maybe it was like dropping a bomb,” Elder Cheatum said. “But to continue the analogy, our growth has been explosive.” “I think we’re going to have to start thinking really big to get ahead of this phenoneum.”

“Anybody have anything else?”, the Elder said as he stood to leave.

There being no further business, the meeting was adjourned.

 

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All Creatures of Our God And King L

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. I guess we will all remember this summer as the one when truth went on vacation and hyperbole came to stay. From the Melania deniers, to the other stalwarts of the Republican party that promote the meme that we are living in the end of times, and that only a Trump presidency can save us, to Trump’s brother from another mother, Boris Johnson, who is now being crushed by the reality of what Brexit really means, the chickens are coming home to roost. Of course, they are the biggest, fattest, best tasting chickens ever. Just ask me.

Anyway, speaking of big numbers brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Wednesday morning breakfast at IHOP was light hearted and jovial. The three Elders were pleased as punch with themselves regarding the mini-revival.

“You know, we probably have been closing off more opportunities over the years than we’ve embraced,” said Elder Wiley. “Maybe our culture, our upbringing, has been holding us back from delivering our message to the world.”

“Are you saying that maybe we’re ‘just shy'”, asked Elder Cheatum.

“Maybe, maybe, we’re just so close knit that we think we’re rejecting the outer world’s values, when we’re really not letting the outer world get to know us.”

“I think I saw about five hundred people that wanted to get to know us on Sunday,” said Elder Diggum, “and about a half of them were asking us for help.” “Well, not us specifically, but Reverend Helen”. “I have never seen the like,” he said as he plunged a cube of pancakes topped by an egg over easy into his mouth.

“I guess the young bard has gone back to school,” Elder Cheatum said as he handed the latest copy of the North Georgia Gazette to Elder Wiley.

“Maybe his editor didn’t think he was all that funny, or insightful, or whatever it was he was trying to do.” Elder Wiley replied, “I do think he pretty well insulted all of the religious factions in the area.”

“Yeah, he was a little heavy on Pentecostals, but who knows, maybe the attention helped the cause.” said Elder Cheatum. “Who would have ever thought that the TV broadcasts would have brought us this much positive attention?”

“I did”, answered Elder Diggum, catching his breath between bites. “Remember, it was my idea.”

Under the glare of his two partners, Elder Diggum revised his statement, “Well, I made the contact.”

“Ok, you made the contact”, replied Elder Cheatum, “but let’s not any of us get confused as to who the star of the show is.”

“Amen”, chorused the other two partners.

As the partners stood in the parking lot ready to begin their work day, Elder Wiley looked at  Elder Cheatum and asked, “You got anything special going on?”

“Matter of fact, I do”, replied Elder Cheatum, “I’ve got a line on a very interesting piece of property.”

“Well, let me know if you need any help working out the legalities”, answered Elder Wiley.

“You know I will”, replied Elder Cheatum as he got in his car.

Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting was packed. What was once considered a light, midweek “tuneup” was becoming another full blown service. The usual twenty a week attendees had mushroomed to a hundred. The service that was designed to be more intimate, was now growing to rival that of Sunday service. Prayer Meeting was now becoming another area of concern.

As the Elders sat around the table in the office of the church after Prayer Meeting, Elder Wiley was first to speak. “What are we going to do?”, he asked to the other members. “At first I thought the new faces coming to Prayer Meeting were just tourists.” “You know, people who were curious about us, but couldn’t fight the crowd on Sunday.” “Now I’m starting to recognize people that are here every time the doors are open.”

Mulva Lite seemed to be particularly spirit filled that night, and the secretary/ treasurer jumped ahead of the Elders to speak.

“The net profit for ‘Revival  Sunday’ is ten thousand dollars and some change.” The treasure said as she handed out spreadsheets to the Elders.

“I’ve expensed all of the preprinted items that we gave away Sunday as ‘Advertising’.” “I don’t know how we turned an absolute disaster into a rip-roaring success, but we did.”

Before anyone else could speak, the secretary forged ahead, “Since Reverend Helena has taken over, we have had one-hundred-twenty-eight new souls dedicate their lives to the path of righteousness.” “We’ve also had forty-six re-dedications of existing members, which is probably the more remarkable number, if you think about it.” 

The secretary was wound up tighter than the girdle of a baptist minister’s wife.

“I’ve been thinking how we could figure out what the broadcasts of the services by Channel 99 in Blairsville is doing for attendance.” “I keep the contributions separate from one another, so we know that number, what I’m trying to figure is, how many people are watching?”

Mulva looked quickly around the table at the Elders and continued, “I was thinking that if I used the metric of one donation for every twenty viewers, and we’re getting over three hundred checks in the mail each week, I’m guessing the viewership for the broadcasts would be about seven-thousand people.” “Has anybody else got a better feel for how to calculate?”

The outburst of upper-math has left the Elders relatively speechless.

Finally, Elder Diggum broke the silence, “Jed Dye says the broadcasts are viewable by about four-hundred-thousand people in the tri-state area.” “Obviously, not all of them are tuned in to the show each week.”

“I think Mulva has really hit on something here that is really important,” said Elder Cheatum as he looked at the secretary treasurer. “The relationship of donors to watchers is a really important metric.” “Knowing that metric would give us the ability to predict what revenues would be generated by an increased viewership.”

Elder Cheatum looked at the secretary and smiled. “Mulva, I know you wouldn’t have brought us a problem without already figuring out the solution, so, do you have anything else for us?”

Mulva smiled back and replied,” I was thinking we could ask Channel 99 if they could do a little mini-commercial for us that would run during the collection.” “We could ask the people watching the broadcasts to write the church requesting a free book marker blessed by Reverend Helena.” “The bookmark would have a scripture printed on it that was ‘specifically chosen for the viewer’ by Reverend Helena.” “We can get the bookmarks for about a nickel a piece, so we could get four-thousand bookmarks for two-hundred dollars.””It won’t be totally accurate, but people always want something for free, and it has the value of being blessed by Reverend Helena.”

The Elders are gob-smacked. Their mouths were so open that they were lucky it was winter, otherwise they would have been trapping flies.

After a few seconds, Elder Cheatum spoke, “Wow, I thought I was the one that was going to drop a bomb on everybody.” “I was sure not giving everybody the credit they deserve.” “Outstanding, Mulva, I’m really impressed, and I motion we move forward on Mulva’s proposal right away.”

The motion carried.

“Barry, handle the details with Channel 99, we want to start this Sunday if possible.” Elder Cheatum continued, “Mulva, order the bookmarks and alert the Ladies Auxillary that they’ve got some envelope stuffing in their future.” “Alvin do you see any legal implications, here?”

“I think we’re good as long as the commercial doesn’t promise that the bookmark has healing properties.” Elder Wiley said. “We don’t want to run afoul of the medical profession.” “Excellent, excellent”, replied Elder Cheatum, “Now I’ve got some really interesting business to discuss.”

 

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All Creatures of Our God And King XLIX

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. You know, the funny thing about politics is that the family is supposed to be off limits to the criticsms and slanders thrown at the politician. I think that should apply as long as the family doesn’t decide to mix it up politically. Then I think they’re open to all of the scrutiny due the candidate. All of that said, Melanoma plagiarized and lied or just plain lied, and then plagiarized. Either way, it was a fitting kickoff to the Republican National Convention. Business as usual. Liars in the house!

Speaking of half truths brings us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Elder Cheatum knocked on the door of the rectory, excited with the proposal he was about to unfold. The Reverend Helena Handbasket came to the door in jeans and, what looked like, multiple sweatshirts. Elder Cheatum was happy to see that the outer layer at least, was a University of Georgia sweatshirt.

“Hey, sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to set up this generator for you to use until power is restored” , the Elder said as he pointed at the generator in the wheelbarrow behind him. “It’s not much power, but it will keep some of the lights on and the refrigerator cold.”

“Oh, thanks so much”, the Reverend responded, “I don’t know how long this ‘no power’ thing is supposed to last.” “I’m about out of candles.” The Reverend continued, “There’s not too much in the refrigerator, I’m not one who stores up a lot of stuff.”

“Well that’s good, I guess”, said the Elder, “I’ll just hook this up for you.” “I’d like for you to think about something while I’m getting it going, if you would”.

“What’s that?” the Reverend answered.

“Well, I’m thinking that a lot of folks in the area wait for the revivals to receive healing, and we missed that chance this week.” “I was wondering if you would consider doing a healing instead of the altar call tomorrow.”

“Oh, I don’t have to think about that”, the Reverend said, “I’m happy to use whatever gifts I have as often as I can.” The Reverend continued, “As I recall, I was told that your custom was to wait for revivals, and so I’ve just been honoring your guidelines.”

“Yes, that’s true, that’s been our policy, but everything has gotten kind of wonky jaw with the ice storm and all.” The Elder replied. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to get the phone tree started and get the word out that tomorrow is going to be special.” “It might raise people’s spirits from the disappointment about the revival.”

“That’s just fine”, the Reverend replied, “are there any special rules or guidelines I need to know about?”

“Yes, since you asked”, the Elder responded, “there is to be absolutely no reliance on any external devices.”

“Gotcha”, the Reverend said,” just me and whatever God gave me, I got it.” “Anything else?”

“I think that’s all, I’ll get the phone tree started and also alert Channel 99 that there will be a divergence in the program,”  the Elder answered. “Now, give me about three shakes of a lamb’s tail and we’ll get you some power going.”

The Elder called Jed Dye, the producer at Channel 99, about the program changes from his car. Jed related that the crew coming on Sunday would have the “mobile studio” truck that had full backup power. The two men congratulated each other on what a successful relationship they had forged, and then Elder Cheatum was on to his next call.

“Hello, Mulva?””This is Buster Cheatum””I need you to get the phone tree started, the all souls list.” “We’re going to do healing tomorrow, and we need to get the word to everybody.” “Can you do that?”

Mulva replied that with the help of the Ladies Auxillary she could call everybody in the state by tomorrow morning, if need be. Elder Cheatum replied that the ‘all souls’ list would be a plenty, and he wished her a good rest of the day.

Sunday was a bright and beautiful day. The parking lot was filling up for Sunday school, and that had never happened before. Mulva and the ‘Ladies’ had apparently done their work well. Elder Cheatum noticed license plates from Kentucky, South Carolina, Florida and Alabama joining the usual suspects, Georgia, North Carolina and Tennessee. “Oh my, oh my, oh my”, the Elder thought to himself as he entered the sanctuary. The auditorium was half full; and it was an hour and half before services. When the Elder returned from Sunday School he could see there was no point in going to his usual spot at the front door to act as greeter. The church was full to the rafters, with people in wheelchairs lining the walls.

Rather than trying to wedge himself into his appointed spot, the Elder took a folding chair and placed it at the back of the stage, out of sight. As Ted E. Bayer and his Love Fellowship played the gathering hymn, the Elder realized he was too close to the band. “I’m probably going to need to have Reverend Helena heal my ears after this is over”, he thought to himself.

As the Reverend Helena Handbasket strode to the pulpit, the Elder caught himself in thought. “I know most of it is presentation.” “The red hair, the white flowing robes, the way she moves like a dancer on the stage.” “Helena could not be any more feminine, and yet her voice is as strong and confident as any man’s.” “There’s something here, and clearly I’m not the only one who can see it.” 

Between the Reverend and The Love Fellowship, the faithful were jumping and jiving even before the Testament of Faith. After the Reverend Handbasket made the move from the pulpit to the main floor, there were just a few people left in the pews. It was a sight never witnessed before. Even after the snakes were brought out, the crowd stayed on their feet dancing to the music of the choir. The rhythm of the Reverend Handbasket moving about as she wrangled the serpents, set the tempo for the rest of the acolytes.

Since the service was televised, and the worshipers in wheelchairs didn’t have the mobility one would need to avoid runaway snakes, the serpent wrangling was kept to a minimum. The Reverend Helen Handbasket kept everything “close to the vest”. The Reverend didn’t allow any of the snakes to be handled by anyone other than herself. She did a fine job getting through the entertainment portion of the show with minimal liability exposure.

The altar call looked like the scene from the movie “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” where everyone was lined up for their medications. There were folks in line that didn’t know where they were, but they knew they were going to receive a miracle. To her credit, The Reverend Helen Handbasket didn’t make folks “take up their bed and walk”, like some of the old school evangelists do. Reverend Helena also didn’t cause any neck damage by laying hands so forcefully that the sick were dumbfounded. All and all, The Reverend conducted herself with grace and dignity through the three and a half hours it took to lay hands on each person requesting a blessing. Even Hugh Morris and his chronic prostate condition was handled with the respect of a doctor for their patient.

“Well, we don’t know, what we don’t know”, said Elder Wiley as the group sat in the office after the last pilgrim had been healed. “I’m just wondering how our one day extravaganza compares to a week long revival.” Elder Wiley continued, “Obviously today was tough on Reverend Helena, but she got it all out of the way in one day instead of spread out over a week”.

“I hate like the dickens giving all of that stuff away for free, but it was the right thing to do”, said Elder Cheatum. “I guess you might say we have ‘cast out bread upon the waters'”. “Now we’ll just have to wait to see if it comes back tenfold, or if we wind up with soggy bread.”

“Speaking of soggy Bread, I didn’t see Reverend Dale in the audience today”, said Elder Wiley, “I guess he was afraid of fratricide after last week.”

“Wouldn’t you?” asked Elder Diggum. “Seems to me like that boy of his has picked sides, and he doesn’t favor his daddy.”

“Mulva, how are you doing?” asked Elder Cheatum.

“I’ve checked three times, and I think I’m right”, Mulva replied, “Keep in mind we’ve got a lot of checks, so you can’t count them until they clear.”

“We know,” said Elder Cheatum, “We just wanted a ball park figure.”

“The ball park is eleven-thousand-eight-hundred and eighty-five dollars”, the secretary/treasurer reported.

“That’s a nice ball park”, said Elder Diggum. “Maybe we should revisit the idea of just doing healings at revival time”, the Elder said to the group.

“We’ll have to get an assessment of how Reverend Helena is feeling before we start the discussion,” Elder Cheatum commented, “Mulva can you check in with her before you go home?”

“Sure, I’d be happy to”, Mulva replied.

“Ok, then we’ll leave you to it”, Elder Cheatum continued, “It will be good to get the deposit in the night deposit box tonight if you can”. The Elders left the office together, all making comments about the unusual turn of events during the week.

God moves in a mysterious way; His wonders to perform; He plants His footsteps in the sea, and rides upon the storm”, said Elder Wiley.

“I’ve always wondered; where in the scripture can I find that verse?” asked Elder Diggum.

“The verse you seek is from a very old hymn by William Cowper”, replied Elder Wiley. “It’s so old I guess most folks think it’s from the Bible.” 

“Live and learn, live and learn”, said Elder Diggum.

The three friends parted company for a few days. They were more than satisfied with Winter Revival 2015.

 

 

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All Creatures of Our God And King XLVIII

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. The Republican convention starts today with a novel twist. Ohio is an open carry state. All of the wacky doodles that use an AR15 as a security blanket will be walking the streets of Cleveland; one hand on their weapon, the other hand in their face with the thumb firmly a fixed to their mouth. It will be the greatest collection of onesies in camouflage ever assembled. The Donald’s orange face should have the same effect as a hunter’s vest on the assembled marksmen. He hopes.

Speaking of large assemblages brings us back to the retelling of the history The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Lost in the shuffle of new preachers, and scandal, and intrigue, was the Winter Revival 2015. The Winter Revival was definitely on the church schedule, but it was not promoted like previous years. The urgency to draw new membership to the church was just not there like before. In fact, new membership was now the problem.

After a lot of conversation, it was determined that Winter Revival 2015 would be carried out over a four day weekend, beginning with Thursday, November 12th. The large tent would be setup as usual to host the traveling ministers. Reverend Helena Handbasket would hold court each night inside the main building. Each minister would rotate as the opening speaker for Reverend Helena. The visiting ministers would then rotate for each other in the tent, giving each a turn as warmup and keynote. 

News of the success of the little church had spread throughout the Evangelical community. The board was actually receiving requests from ministers to do the revival for free. It seemed that a large number of ministers felt that being associated with the little church would be a great way to get exposure within the Pentecostal body. Since Channel 99 would be broadcasting each night, the opportunity for spreading the names of the ministers was without parallel. There was even talk that some of the broadcast footage might be included in a proposed documentary. The Elders had whittled their minister list down to three, all ministers who offered to do the revival for free. Even the minister’s expenses would be out of their own pockets.

The Ladies Auxillary had once again done yeoman service in setting up the concessions. The Ladies had also “setup” their husbands into providing all of the physical labor necessary to get the tent and concession stands ready. In fact, the “husbands auxillary” was putting the last string of lights up in the parking lot when the sleet started to fall. It was light at first, and then the sleet started coming down as large frozen droplets of rain. The collective group of volunteers knew the mountain roads would be impassable in just a short time. With various explanations of how many children or aging parents that were left defenseless at home, all of the volunteers gave their apologies and left for home.

The board was sitting in the church office going over the schedules when the first volunteers came in complaining of the worsening conditions.

“I think we better make like a tree and leave”, said Elder Diggum as he looked out of a window. “From the looks of things, we’ve got about half hour to get to where ever we’re going to be for a while.”

“Well, I guess if we had a webpage we could post the cancellation on there,” said Elder Cheatum. “Mulva, can you leave a message on the phone that the revival is postponed until conditions permit?” Elder Cheatum asked.

“Sure, I’ll do it right now.” said Mulva.

“What do you want me to do about the traveling ministers?” Elder Diggum asked.

“If they’re still traveling, tell them to stay put until conditions improve.” Elder Cheatum responded. “If they’re here, we need to see what kind of rig they’re traveling in.” “It might be that they may have to bunk in the church.” “I don’t want to put Reverend Helena out by asking her to play hostess.”

“I’ll go have a ‘look see’ around the rectory and update Reverend Helena”, said Elder Wiley. “I’ll check her firewood situation while I’m at it.” “The power lines won’t stay up for long with this much ice coming down.”

“Good thought, good thought,” said Elder Cheatum. “I am less than confident that the good folks at the Blue Ridge Mountain Power Company are ready to handle a lot of downed lines.”

“Ok, ok, time to go”, said Elder Diggum, “I’ll warn anybody that’s here what we’re in for, and offer the sanctuary as a bunk house, then I’m gone.”

“If you’re waiting on me, you’re backing up”, said Elder Cheatum as the group headed for the door.

The ice was forming a thin layer in the parking lot as they walked out of the church. The steps were already slippery, and required the use of the handrail to safely negotiate the descent  to ground level. Through good fortune, and the experience born from years of driving in inclement conditions, the group made it safely to their respective homes. Depending on their proximity to Blairsville, or distance from Nunsuch, the group would experience various power losses over the next few days.

Power was lost completely in Nunsuch for three days, though the roads were considered “drivable” after two. “Drivable” was a cautionary word to mountain folk that meant “carry a chain saw with you in case there are still fallen limbs or trees blocking the road”. On Saturday, as soon as the road was entirely passable, Elder Cheatum brought four portable generators to the little church. His intent was to provide power to the rectory, the sanctuary and the two additions. The weather was forecast to be clear with highs in the seventies for the balance of the week; and the Elder knew the faithful would be ready to end their incarceration and return to every day life as soon as possible.

The Winter Revival 2015 had been officially cancelled. As he looked at box after box of items purchased for resale, Elder Cheatum decided that the t-shirts and other preprinted items would be gifted to the folks attending services that weekend. At least the items could return some value as advertising. To that end, Elder Cheatum made a mental note to give a couple of boxes of t-shirts to the Channel 99 crew. The inclement weather was going to cost the church thousands of dollars, and no telling how much good will. Hopefully the gifted items would buy back some good will.

As Elder Cheatum watched the “auxillary husbands” take down the tents and concession stands, he hit upon an idea. He promptly walked to the rectory to run it by Reverend Helena. Since he was bringing the gift of electricity, he didn’t see how she could refuse.

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All Creatures of Our God And King XLVII

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. Our heart is saddened as we read about the deaths of three police officers gunned down in Baton Rouge. Again, another unstable person with a military weapon, this one with military training. I’m sure I’m not the only person who has figured out that there are thousands of human time bombs out there. Just one break up with a loved one, one layoff, one slight of any kind could set off the next shooting spree by a deranged person with access to weapons. At some point we will ask ourselves if we’re the crazy ones for allowing this situation to continue. Apparently, not today.

Speaking of being unable to break unhealthy habits brings us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Elders gathered in the office of the little church after prayer meeting.

“Old Rusty looks fine,” said Elder Cheatum as he looked at the massive cast iron safe in the corner. “Anybody notice anything missing after our invasion of the “Love Fellowship”.

“No, not a thing”, replied Mulva Lite. “They all seemed real nice.”

“Well good,” replied Elder Cheatum, “so Barry, what did the full complement of the ‘Love Fellowship’ set us back?”

“Two hundred dollars, the agreed upon price”, replied Elder Diggum, “Ted wanted to give us a taste of what the total fellowship could do.” “After the service, Ted told me we could have the whole experience for five hundred a week, and they’d even come to Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting if we wanted.” “I think we may have picked up a believer or two.”

“Hmmm”, said Elder Cheatum, “that brings up another topic we need to talk about, conversions.” “Mulva can you give us an idea about what our current head count is?”

The secretary/scheduler searched her laptop for the right spreadsheet and printed out the results. “People that have given their souls to Jesus and filled out membership cards since Reverend Helena took over is twenty-two”, Mulva replied. “I can’t make comparisons statistically because previous years were never more than three or four, total.” “We’ve kind of been staying even with attrition for a long, long time.”

“Twenty-two in a little over three months, wow”, said Elder Wiley, “It looks like our little ‘flash in the pan’ is panning out.”

“Butts in the seats is just one of our issues”, said Elder Cheatum, “our mission is reaching folks all over the tri-state area.” “We’ve got folks tuning in to Channel 99 and sending a check every week.” “Mulva do you have a breakdown of collections from the attendance and the mail separately?”

“I sure do”, replied the secretary as she printed out a different spreadsheet. “As you can see from the columns, we started receiving donations that first telecast, and they totaled forty-six hundred dollars.” “The next week, when we told people where to send their money, we got ninety-seven hundred dollars.” “The ‘outside’ collections have gone up about ten percent each week since”. “Our collections from attendance have increased as we’ve added the additions and have now peaked at about six thousand per service.” “I’m estimating a full church at two hundred members, so we’re averaging about thirty dollars per person, which is up from our previous average of twenty-four dollars per person.”

“I’ve got a pie chart here if you’d like to see the comparison in color,” the secretary said as she handed out the pie charts. 

“Wow, Mulva, you’ve outdone yourself,” beamed Elder Cheatum. “This is some really good, useful information.” “Folks, I think we’ve got to decide what to do, and fast, about our growth issue.” “I think that a good portion of our TV viewership is going to want to visit our church in person, at least once.” “What will we do, now that we’re already busting at the seams?” “We can decide to stay small, and turn the TV broadcasts off, or look for some serious alternatives to what we’re doing.” “I want everybody to think about it, pray on it, and jot down some ideas for the next board meeting, ok?”

Elder Cheatum looked each member in the eyes. He took a deep breath and continued, “I’m afraid at some point that Reverend Helena is going to realize that she is the ‘Diana Ross’ to The Full Gospel Original Church of God’s ‘Supremes’.” “We can’t predict if that day will ever come, but I want us to be prepared if it does.” “If we can sustain this growth pattern for a while longer, we’ll be able to afford to bring in the top talent in the business, if she leaves.” “Hopefully we’ll be able to keep her happy here, but you never know how young people are motivated sometimes.” “What are your thoughts on the topic, Mulva?”

Happy to be called on again, Mulva related that the Reverend Handbasket seemed to be completely overwhelmed by the experience. “Helena comes back to the office after each service to sit with me while I’m the counting the tithes,” Mulva said. “She seems to be generally less interested in the money than in releasing her feelings.” “Helena just kind of chats incessantly while I’m counting.” “It’s like she’s  transitioning from some sort of ‘out of body’ experience back to our world.” “I swear, I feel like she is just charged with electricity.”

“Maybe I’m imaging a problem that has no basis,” said Elder Cheatum, “thanks for your feelings, Mulva.” “By the way, I did want to ask you for an update about Alva Bread and the kids.” “Has anybody said anymore about the incident?”

“Alva’s being pretty tight-lipped about everything, so I really don’t have anything to report, except a rumor.” Mulva said. “Widow Ferguson in Number Four says she has seen Reverend Dale, ‘visiting his kids’, at hours after their bedtime.” “I haven’t said anything to Bud about it yet, he’s still mad about the whole mess.” “I’ll keep my eyes and ears open.”

“Good, good”, said Elder Cheatum. “Is there any further business?” 

There was no business brought forward, and the committee headed out into the parking lot to a slight dusting of snow. “This might be the only thing that can slow us down”, Elder Cheatum thought to himself as he drove out of the parking lot.

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All Creatures of Our God And King XLVI

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. Well the world is going nuts, and I’m absolutely sure that electing a nutty president will not be the solution. French officials are saying that their truck assassin must have radicalized “quickly”. Let’s just go ahead and call B.S. on that one and move on the next big story, a semi-coup in Turkey. I have a neutral position on coups, I figure some are good, and some are bad. I do find this attempt amusing since it was a military coup and was so poorly planned. At one point the president’s jet was in the air and the military had two F16’s in the area. Seems like taking out the president should be objective number one of a coup. Maybe not for the Turks.

Speaking of missed objectives brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Elder Cheatum was the last to sit down at the table for the Wednesday morning breakfast meeting at the IHOP in Blairsville.

“Sorry, I had to get a copy of the paper to see if we made the front page or not”, the Elder said as he slid into the booth.

“Well?”, asked Wiley as he refilled his cup from the little pot of coffee left behind by the waitress.

“Nope, not on the front page,” said Elder Cheatum, “Let’s see if we made it to the religion column.” The Elder was quiet for a couple of minutes while he read the religion column of the North Georgia Gazette. “Nope, not a mention, but a pretty good piece”, he said as he passed the paper to Elder Wiley. Elder Wiley folded the paper to his liking and read this week’s offering by Howard Doohan. It read:

This week I’d like to talk about a church that goes by many names. It seems that the Mormon Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, have decided to exclude children of same-sex couples from receiving the church’s blessings. What a bunch of mean spirited wacky doodles is my immediate response.


As always, my thoughts go first to the child. Imagine attending church with your parents, believing whatever dogma that religion churns out with regard to their heavenly standards, and then being told that because your parents don’t measure up, you’re going to be denied heaven. How cruel is that? And what is the child supposed to do, go home and kill their parents so they can receive God’s love? Clearly the Mormon’s homophobia doesn’t go any further than sending a message to the gay community that the gays are not welcome, and to prove it, the Mormons will deny your children any thoughts of Heaven.

Hypocrisy is an easy topic when discussing religion, and I usually like to use the Bible to give an example of where practice varies from preaching. Luke 18:16 says, “But Jesus called them unto him, and said, ‘Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.‘” Now, I know not every Bible scholar knows every verse, and every verse is open to interpretation, apparently, but this one looks pretty clear to me. It’s also not the only time in the Bible that the phrase, “don’t prevent children from seeking my love”, appears. So, to see a policy put in place that directly contradicts the teachings of Jesus, one questions the validity of the religion to make any interpretations.

It’s not like the Mormons are without their other peculiarities. Multiple wives and overloading the welfare roles with children supported by the state are a couple of the traits that have dogged the Mormons for years. While the “official” church has tried to calm the public opinion towards the church in the last few decades, there are still many outliers that give rise to the public questioning whether Mormonism is a religion or a cult.

One of the more famous cases of “extreme Mormonism” is Warren Jeffs. Could anyone ever imagine that a religious leader would be placed on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List?

Warren Jeffs gained worldwide attention in May 2006 when he made the list. He made the Top Ten list for unlawful flight to avoid prosecution in Utah. The charges in Utah related to his taking underage girls and “marrying” them to his favored male followers. He was also charged with incest and sexual conduct with minors. Jeffs was found guilty of sexual assault and aggravated sexual assault of children, some as young as twelve. When an investigation was led into Jeff’s FLDS Church’s YFZ Ranch, it was revealed to be nothing more than a breeding ground for child brides for the elder loyal followers. Young males were routinely forced out of the compound, eliminating competition for the elder males. It is hard to imagine a more sick, perverted situation.

My religious philosophy is a simple one, it has but one dictum, “Do unto others as you would have done to you”. It’s easy to see how if the Mormon church could apply the Golden Rule first, they’d avoid a lot of the other notoriety and controversy. Just saying.

Well, like I said, better somebody else, than us,” Elder Wiley said as he handed the paper back. “I’m surprised no one has called, or asked a question, or anything, about what happened Sunday.” “It’s like the congregation is just sitting back and watching things play out.” “That’s pretty unusual for our folks.”

“Well, I guess we’ve thrown a lot of changes at them in the last few months,” Elder Cheatum answered, “maybe they’re shell-shocked.”

“Oh, before I forget, Ben Weinberg called to say that Dale is not pursuing his suit for damages anymore.” Elder Wiley related.

“What reason did he give?” Elder Diggum inquired.

“None, but I suspect he’s spent all of the money that Ophelia was willing to advance him.” Elder Wiley he responded. “Maybe the fact that his kids have turned against him has effected his worldview.”

“Yeah, that’d do it”, Elder Cheatum responded, “I’d sure like to know if Dale’s kid came up with the rattle trick on his own, or if Alva put him up to it.” “Let’s be sure to ask Mulva what she knows tonight at the board meeting.” “Women have a way of knowing everything without being obvious about it.”

“Good thought”, said Elder Wiley. “Here Barry, it’s your turn”, he said as he slid the check to his partner.

“Sure, sure, pick on the fat kid, that’s the way you guys do.” Elder Diggum said as he paid the check. The partners walked out of the restaurant into the cold.

“I guess we’ll see how well the heaters in the additions are working tonight”, said Elder Cheatum.

“I reckon”, said Elder Wiley.

“See you later”, called Elder Diggum, and the three went about their daily tasks.

 

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All Creatures of Our God And King XLV

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. Well, good is just a salutation, it is not a good morning. A nut job in Nice, France has killed 84 people with a truck. The mind bongles. It is too sad to comprehend, and yet, everyone must pick themselves up, dust themselves off and start all over again. It will be interesting to see over the next few days if there were warning signs. Should someone have noticed that this guy was so deranged that he might be capable of acting out in such a horrific way?

Speaking of acting out brings us back to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Wednesday night’s board meeting brought the disturbing news from Mulva Lite that Reverend Bread and Ophelia Bottoms were making themselves out to be the new “it” couple in Blairsville. The Ladies Auxillary cast a pretty wide net in Blairsville with all of their service missions. There had been so many sightings lately of, “Bread and Bottoms” that even the Ladies Auxillary was having a hard time keeping track.

“It’s a shame we can’t make a cute name like “Bennifer” for the couple, ‘Dalephelia’ just doesn’t have the same feel”, said Elder Diggum, “I guess ‘Bread and Bottoms’ will have to do.”

The Elder’s attempt at humor was met with harsh stares by the rest of the group.

“I don’t find one thing funny about this situation”, said Elder Wiley, “the fact that he has tried to file suit against his wife for damages, and she is living on the mercy of the church and the Lites, just makes my blood boil.” “I think that rattlesnake venom must have effected his brain.” “He’s just not thinking right”, Elder Wiley concluded.

“Well, maybe it’s not his brain that’s doing his thinking for him,” Elder Cheatum said. “Let’s get on with business, I’ve wasted enough of my life on Dale Bread.”

“I’ve found a great gospel group to take over the choir”, Elder Diggum reported. “Ted E. Bayer and His Love Fellowship”. “We can mix and match as many components as we want.” “They’ve even got a horn section if we want.”

“None of which are cheap I imagine”, Elder Cheatum speculated.

“Cheaper than you’d think”, Elder Diggum replied. “I should tell you that they all are ex-cons.”

“What?” was the chorus from the other board members.

“Hold on, hold on”, said Elder Diggum, “none of them has been convicted of a violent crime, and the state of Georgia provides us with a bond to insure us against any mishaps not covered by our own insurance.” “I don’t see how it’s not worth a try.” “Think of the positive publicity”.

“If we get any more positive publicity, we’re going to be setting up rows of speakers in the parking lot like at the drive in movie theaters,” said Elder Wiley. “People will have to sit in their cars to hear the service.”

“Or stay at home and watch it on TV”, said Elder Cheatum as he turned to Elder Diggum, “how much?”

“Two hundred for Ted E. Bayer and three backup singers.” “Three fifty for the singers and four horn players.” Elder Diggum answered.

“Let’s go the two hundred, and if the big screens and the audio system are still here next week, maybe we’ll expand.” Elder Cheatum responded. “Mulva make sure that ‘Old Rusty’ is locked tight after services on Sunday”, the Elder said as he nodded towards the cast iron floor safe in the corner. “No point in tempting disaster.”

“I always do”, Mulva replied as she smiled meekly.

“Is there any other business?” said Elder Cheatum as he rose to leave. There was none.

As the group rode off into the night, each was satisfied that while the church had had its share of adversity lately, the board had not only been equal to the challenges, but had excelled. In spite of the torrential rain falling on the area, the board member’s spirits were bright. The group was feeling very satisfied with themselves.

As Elder Cheatum walked through the sanctuary after Sunday school that Sunday, his heart nearly stopped. Sitting slap dab in the middle of the church was Reverend Bread and former choir director, Ophelia Bottoms. The Elder rushed to his post at the front door trying to not look towards the couple. If he acknowledged their presence, he would have to respond. He had not a clue as to how to respond. The couple had not been banished, if the Pentecostals even had banishment. They certainly weren’t trespassing, and unless they did something outrageous they would be allowed to worship.

Fact was, the couple was more likely to suffer from the ire of the people who normally sat in the prime seats than anything the church officials could do to them. As it turned out, the usual occupants of the seats made room for “Bread and Bottoms”, and even exchanged pleasantries with the couple before the services began. The monsoon like rains had not diminished the attendance any, and soon the couple were surrounded on all sides by eager acolytes.

This week would be the first week that the big screens would be tuned to the telecast from Channel 99 instead of displaying the shots from the overhead camera installed by Elder Diggum. It was felt that the worshipers in the “additions” would gain a better experience from the scenes provided by the professional TV crew as opposed to the fixed camera. The services got off to a roaring start with the full gospel sound of Ted E. Bayer and His Love Fellowship. Ted E. Bayer had brought it all, horns, drums and guitars. The group was providing a deepness and richness of sound only found in the big megachurches.

“They must have over a thousand watts of amplified power behind those instruments”, Elder Cheatum though as he squeezed into his spot. “I don’t know that the rafters of the church were designed to be able to withstand a sonic assault”. “Much less, my ears.” The Elder resolved to mention volume and pricing to Elder Diggum as soon as services were over. 

As things quieted down, the camera panned the crowd searching the faces of the faithful as they waited for the Reverend Helen Handbasket to begin her service. The camera settled on “Bread and Bottoms”, and why not, they were an attractive young couple. Maybe it was the producer’s idea to show the young couple as the typical worshiper. Hard to say.

What happened next is hard to categorize. Was if fate? Divine intervention?  The revenge of a woman scorned? All of the above? As the camera settled on the unsuspecting couple, the little hand of seven year old Devin Bread could be seen rattling his baby brother’s rattle in his daddy’s ear. While most people can easily differentiate the difference between the sound of a baby rattle and a rattle snake, apparently Reverend Bread was still extremely sensitive. His go round with Old Ben must have still been very fresh in his mind.

Reverend Bread jumped from his pew as if shot out of a cannon. He hollered as if stung by a nest of hornets. The former pastor did a couple of confusing steps similar to one afflicted with the St. Vitus dance, and then made a beeline for the door. His paramour, Ophelia Bottoms, was left in his wake with a confused look on her face. His son, Devin, sat back down quietly next to his mama. The full episode was shown live to the world on the Channel 99 broadcast.

The rest of the sermon and service was a blur in time to Elder Cheatum. “We’re going to get creamed in the press,” Elder Cheatum said to himself as he took his place at the front door at the end of services. As the Elder shook hands and patted backs he listened for bits of conversation to see how the crowd was reacting to the episode. Not a word was mentioned.

The Elder looked heavenward as he got in his car to leave for the day. “Thanks big guy”, he said, as he raised his face to the sky, and received a face full of rain.

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All Creatures of Our God And King XLIV

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. The news out of California is disturbing on a couple of levels. First off, the police appear to have killed an unarmed teenager for no apparent reason. It seems that the teen had decided that suicide by cop was the way to go, and he was able to find police that were willing to make his wish come true. In an unrelated incident, a robot cop ran over a child at a San Francisco mall. I guess if the police are not going to give in to human reasoning and compassion, robots will work just as well. They just need to be taught to not roll over toddlers.

Speaking of compassion brings us to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. Wednesday Night Prayer meeting was more heavily attended than ever before. About half of the worshipers were new to the Elders. As the Elders collected in the office for their weekly board meeting, Elder Cheatum commented, “Wow, where did that crowd come from?”

“I don’t know”, Elder Wiley said, “but if they keep coming, we ought to pass the plate.” “Who knows, we might have opened up another revenue stream.”

“Well you know the old-timers ain’t going to go for that,” said Elder Diggum, “but it is an interesting thought.” “These new comers don’t know what to expect.”

“Yeah, we didn’t do a very good job of informing the public, about anything”, said Elder Cheatum.

“Well, excuse my impertinence, but I think we messed up for sure”, said Mulva as she pushed a box of envelopes towards the middle of the table. “Channel 99 brought these out today, it’s mostly donations”, she said. “There’s some prayer requests, but it’s mostly donations.” “They’re addressed to the “Church Show”, or the “Lady Preacher”, Mulva continued, “It doesn’t seem like we even got our name out there.”

“Yes, we really bungled this one from a marketing point of view”, Elder Cheatum said, “I guess we’re lucky that folks know they can’t receive blessings without a sacrifice on their part,” he said as he separated checks from the envelopes. “Let’s be sure to add these people to our mailing database before you deposit the checks, ok?” The Elder asked looking at Mulva.

“Of course,” Mulva replied.

“It looks like there’s about forty five hundred dollars here”, Elder Cheatum said as he handed the checks to the secretary/treasurer.

“Barry, what were you thinking?” The Elder said as he turned to Elder Diggum. “How could you let the largest opportunity to reach a mass market escape us?”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Elder Diggum said, “we may have missed a little on this go around, but the folks at Channel 99 are telling callers who and where we are.” “Also, Channel 99 wants us to commit to regular telecasts.” “They’d like to broadcast through the end of the year, so, that’s at least eight more telecasts.”

Elder Cheatum raised one eyebrow and said, “Well, that’s different. “You’re forgiven, maybe.”

“I’m guessing we won’t get a cut of the station’s commercial sales, unless we can get our own sponsor.” Elder Wiley said. “Barry, you and I can work on that angle, while Buster explores whatever other revenue streams might be available from our telecasts.

“Sounds good”, said Elder Cheatum, “Anybody have anything else?”

“Well, I feel compelled to mention Alva Bread and her little ones.” Mulva said. “The Ladies Auxillary has been very helpful with fixing meals and babysitting.” ” I was able to take Alva to Walmart today to get some staples and to buy the little ones winter clothes.” “It’s just a shame how ill prepared Reverend Dale has left his family.” “He has not come around, by the way.”

“Well, you and the Ladies Auxillary are saints, and you can tell them I said so, ” Elder Cheatum said.

“Here, here”, replied Elders Wiley and Diggum in unison.

“Is there any further business?” Elder Cheatum asked.

There was none, and the board got up to leave. As the board walked out into the empty sanctuary, Elder Cheatum paused dead center of the church.

“Look around”, he said as he waved his arms about to indicate the expanse. “We have doubled our size in just a few months.” “We have been in this church for one hundred and thirteen years, and until recently, it has served our needs adequately.” “Now we’ve got people from three states coming to share our message.” “I don’t know about you, but I feel something Divine is happening.”

“Praise God”, was uttered by the other three board members.

“Praise God” repeated Elder Cheatum. 

Minutes before the Sunday service began, Jed Dye sought out Elder Cheatum to get his approval for the signoff for the telecast. As the Elder strained to watch the visual on the producer’s iPhone, he could tell that a lot of thought had gone into the production. This week’s telecast would end with a full minute of text over the visual of the Reverend Helen Handbasket handling some of the smaller serpents. The fade to black was an advertising winner. The camera was at a low angle and captured the lights shining through the Reverend Helen Handbasket’s flowing red hair. The shot captured enough of the snakes to be interesting, but not scary. The text message was simple:

“If you have been touched by this service of The Full Gospel Original Church of God, help us continue our outreach to the people in our area by contributing whatever you can afford to:

The Full Gospel Original Church of God

P.O. Box 999

Nunsuch, Ga. 30524 “

“Marketing genius”, thought Elder Cheatum, “ ‘Whatever you can afford’ is so open-ended and yet non-invasive.” “It’s bound to bring big rewards.”

As the opening notes of the gathering hymn pealed through the new audio system, the Elder squeezed into his favorite spot in the last row. As he glanced to the left and the right, he could see that every seat in the “additions” was filled. The auditorium was again packed to the rafters.Looking out over the congregation, he became aware that the jockeying for seats was becoming more serious.

It appeared, that some of the original members of the church were less than pleased with the new found popularity of their church. The older members were placing purses and Bibles next to themselves to provide an extra buffer between themselves and the newcomers. Members of the “amen corner” were finding they were having to arrive earlier to services to claim their “rightful” places in the pew. There had even been the reported rumor that the newcomers were choosing their seats by virtue of their likelihood of being shown on TV.

“Well, I guess every silvery lining has a cloud”, the Elder thought to himself. “I don’t know how to fix this other than to put ‘reserved’ signs on the pews”, he thought, “and I don’t want to do that.” “I don’t want to have the newcomers to have any reason to continue their search for religious fulfillment at another church.”

Reverend Helena Handbasket was graced in beige robes this Sunday that were very favorable to her coloring. The Reverend was still bouncing back and forth between the pulpit and the choir as she led the choir in every hymn. Elder Cheatum could sense that the interruptions were breaking the Reverend’s flow, and he resolved to look into the hiring of a replacement choir director. The bouncing back and forth also made it hard for the camera crew to keep up with her movements. After all, she was the show, and the camera needed to be on her every second.

The Elder was continuing his cogitations on seating arrangements as he passed the collection plate from row to row. No easy solution jumped out at him. Finally he resolved that it would just have to be first come first served, even if some of the older members felt slighted. “If it bugs them enough, they’ll get up earlier”, the Elder reasoned.

The balance of the service went like a well oiled clock. Elder Cheatum noticed that the people that remained seated during the altar call were still swaying to the music as if they were up front taking part themselves. Reverend Handbasket had a powerful hold over her audience.

“Now, how do we maintain our hold on her?” Thought Elder Cheatum as he took his spot at the front door at the end of the service.

 

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All Creatures of Our God And King XLIII

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. Well, I haven’t complained about the heat in a while, please allow me to do so. It’s HOT!!!! Popup thunderstorms just seem to create a sauna like effect to further punish our frail bodies. It’s easy to see how the cradle of civilization was in Africa, and then everybody moved to colder climates. Using my reasoning, the Scandinavian countries should be leading the world in education and quality of life. I bet there’s some mighty smart Eskimos, too.

Speaking of hot temperatures bring us back to our retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The Elders were seated at their new favorite table at the IHOP for their Wednesday morning meeting. Elder Diggum was trying to decide whether to get the mixed fruit bowl, or another stack of pancakes for dessert. He had already devoured his steak and eggs and felt like he needed something to satisfy his sweet tooth.

“Jed called me last night and said the phone has been ringing off the hook at Channel 99.” Elder Diggum said as he buttered a biscuit.  “Folks are asking if it’s real, and if it is, how can they get to the church.” “He says they’re thinking about making it an option on their phone menu until the interest dies down.”

“Good, good”, said Elder Wiley, “I watched the DVR when I got home.” “It wasn’t like being there, nothing could match that experience, but I imagine for a shut-in that the show would be pretty compelling.” “The camera crew did an excellent job of capturing everything.”

“Yeah, I thought so too, said Elder Cheatum as he handed that week’s copy of the North Georgia Gazette to Elder Wiley. “Our celestial reporter has decided that comedy isn’t his strong suit, or his editor has decided for him.” “He’s got an interesting take on things this week.”

The weekly column by Howard Doohan read:

This week I’d like to talk about what comes after death. Man has been wondering about what comes next since before he was able to put one stone on top of another one. In my brief survey, it seems that each religion approaches the afterlife differently.

Is belief in the afterlife a binary decision? Think about the consequences of there not being an afterlife. If folks didn’t believe in Heaven and Hell would they behave? If you view, Heaven and Hell as the carrot and the stick, would we donkeys continue on the right path without the proper motivation?

From what I read, Jewish folks are devoid of the concept of life everlasting. They reject the notion of walking the streets of gold, or being cast into the fiery pit. For our Jewish brothers and sisters it’s about the journey, not the destination. I like this system for its simplicity. Live a moral life and the afterlife will take care of itself. Sounds good to me.

A slightly more complicated view of afterlife is the concept of reincarnation as espoused by the Buddhists and Hindus. You get to keep coming back until you get it right, at which point you join with the “universal consciousness”, which I guess is their God. In reincarnation, life on Earth is Hell, which you keep repeating until you attain the required spirituality to attain Heaven. In my opinion, this is a decent enough concept, except that part of the repetition process is that you are reborn into the same family group each time. You keep being reborn with these same people until you get all of your issues resolved. People with “Daddy issues” might make a hundred rebirth trips to attain nirvana.

There are some religions, like the Catholics, that believe in a middle state between Heaven and Hell called Purgatory. Purgatory is a nice catch all for the question of what happens to children that die before they’re saved, or adults who don’t receive the last rites. It gives hope to the faithful that even if they die without being in a state of grace, there’s still hope for a heavenly reward. The Baptists refer to Purgatory as “Hell’s Waiting Room”. The Baptists are pretty adamant about attaining grace before dying. It is my observation that the Baptists don’t want any souls wandering around without a final destination.

One group that believes in souls or spirits in transition are the Spiritualists. Many years ago, my Mom and I happened into a Spiritualist church while traveling down in the Orlando, Florida area. It seems that Central Florida is a hotbed for mediums and circus performers. Anyway, Mom was still struggling with the loss of her mother, and was impressed by how the Spiritualists handle what many denominations would call the “altar call”. Spiritualist leaders give “readings” for the people in the congregation that raise their hands.

Mom was so impressed that we setup an appointment with a private medium who was highly recommended by the folks at the church. Ever the skeptic, I inquired of the medium how the process worked. She told me that when she went into a trance, her “spirit guide” would take over and handle the contact to Mom’s mom for us. I asked about the “spirit guide” and was told that it was a Cherokee Indian named Blue Flower that had passed in an untimely death. By the way, Native Americans are the de facto standard for spirit guides.

Well, the medium closes her eyes and the next thing you know the medium is speaking in a slightly different voice, identifying herself as Blue Flower. At this point I say, “Otahitsu” to Blue Flower and wait for a response. “Otahitsu” is “how are you?” in Cherokee, which I just happen to know because of my great great grandma Doohan. The normal response is “Hawa”, but Blue Flower only wants to know who we want to contact.

Probing questions from the medium get Mom to reveal enough information for the medium to give a “reading” and twenty minutes later we were done. A forty dollar “donation” was left in the basket as mediums can not charge for their “gift”, lest they run the risk of losing said “gift”. I’m sure taking remuneration as “gifts” is a lot easier than filing for a 501c deduction for tax purposes.

For some strange reason, Mom felt better. Maybe forty dollars was a bargain for Mom’s piece of mind. Meantime, I’m wondering if mediums go to Purgatory.

“Well, I don’t know that he’s totally turned his back on comedy yet, but I’d rather him make fun of the Spiritualists than the Pentecostals,” said Elder Wiley as he handed the paper back to Elder Cheatum.

“Yeah, I didn’t know that bit about the Jews, no heaven, no hell?”, Elder Cheatum said as he picked up the check. “How on Earth are you going to get kids to behave if there’s no rewards, no consequences?”

The Elders nodded goodbye as they got in their cars and headed off to carry out their normal functions. In just eight hours they would be gathered again doing church business.

 

 

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All Creatures of Our God And King XLII

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. With all of the mean despicable things being said on the campaign trail, all of the mean allegations back and forth in the recent shootings, and all of the acrimony caused by Brexit, I’d like to take today’s discussion to a higher level. The act of legalizing recreational marijuana is underway in California. Currently, California’s medical marijuana industry is worth about $2.7 billion dollars. Estimates are that the revenue will double when and if recreational use is permitted. I guess you could say the stakes couldn’t get any higher.

Speaking of raising the stakes brings us to the retelling of the history of The Full Gospel Original Church of God. The meeting with the producer from Channel 99 in Blairsville went swimmingly. As handshakes went all around the table at the Saw Mill Place, discussions about people in common filled the air. Truth was, there were very few families that the partners Wiley, Diggum and Cheatum hadn’t encountered in the area. The producer, Jebediah Dye was from an old family that was well known to the trio of Elders. The Elders had handled the funeral arrangements for three or four of Jed’s kinfolk.

Satisfied that the young producer meant no malice, and that the telecast would be handled with the utmost of respect and dignity, the Elders agreed to allow the TV station the access to the auditorium necessary to produce the television show. On Saturday the church was a beehive of activity as the workers were completing the attachment of the new “wing” to the church, and the TV crew was positioning it’s equipment for optimum coverage. Reverend Helena Handbasket was requested to come over to the church from the rectory to do a sound check. The new microphones and audio equipment pushed the Reverend’s voice into every nook and cranny of the church with perfect clarity.

“I guess I’m going to need to be really careful about keeping my thoughts to myself now”, the Reverend said as she heard the sound of her voice rebounding from the speakers. The sound engineer laughed and told the Reverend, “it wouldn’t seem so bad once the church was filled with crying babies and coughing old timers.” The Reverend responded that she “hoped not”, and then headed back to the rectory to prepared for the biggest day of her life. By six o’clock that evening, the stage was literally set.

Elder Cheatum arrived at The Full Gospel Original Church of God that Sunday morning about 9AM. He had not missed Sunday School for as long he could remember. He always appreciated the close fellowship of the Sunday School class before the full scale worship service in the main sanctuary. When he entered the sanctuary at 10:15, the camera crews were already in place. In fact, a large number of people were already in place. The pews of the main sanctuary were almost completely filled and the trailer additions were filling up. As he walked to the front door of the church to greet the later arrivals, the Elder noticed that some of the traditional seating arrangements had been usurped by new worshipers. “This is going to be a problem”, he thought and made a mental note to bring it up at the next board meeting, if someone else hadn’t forced the issue before then.

At the first notes of the gathering hymn, the Elder went inside the church and wedged his body into his favorite seat in the last row. His mental note to discuss seating was reinforced by the discomfort of sitting tightly next to someone he had never seen before. Fortunately, the Elder’s mind was distracted from his physical discomfort when the Reverend Helena Handbasket appeared on the stage. She was wearing long flowing, kelly green robes. The lights added to the sanctuary to improve the quality of the picture being telecast over the airwaves had the additional benefit of creating a halo like effect to the Reverend’s hair. The lights playing off of the Reverend’s hair and shiny robes gave the Reverend a very positive aura.

Elder Cheatum had no idea how things looked in TV land, but the audience in the sanctuary were awestruck. A quick glance to the trailer additions confirmed that the followers there were not suffering because of a lack of direct line of sight. The audio was perfect. Even if the follower was watching a big screen TV to get the best view of the Reverend, her voice was being carried with perfect amplification. Even the choir sounded better. Bubba Hawker seemed to be singing in a new harmony that gave the choir a richer, fuller sound.

From where Elder Cheatum sat, it was a concert-like experience worthy of some of the mega-churches in Atlanta. “I hope Jed Dye is getting what he wanted from this, because it’s certainly more than I could have hoped for,” the Elder thought to himself. The Elder was yanked from his revelry of how far the little church had come by the collection call. He moved to the front of the church with the other Elders, plate in hand. In addition to his two old friends, two deacons had been “ordained” as “Elders in training”, and were handling the collections in the additions. The “Elders in training” collections would be monitored separately for a few months until the Elders were comfortable that all of the offerings were making their way back to the church office. It was sad to contemplate, but churches were not immune to thievery.

As he squeezed back into his seat, Elder Cheatum watched the camera crew pick up hand held cameras anticipating the Testament of Faith and altar call. They worked closer than Elder Cheatum would have preferred, but, they too may have been caught up in the spell that Reverend Helena was casting. She was flawless. Her glossolalia was like the voices of angels. The snakes seemed hypnotized by the sound of her voice and her soft touch. As she placed the last serpent in the box, the choir began to sing “Love Lifted Me”, and the aisles began to fill with people touched by the service. Elder Cheatum moved to his position at the front door to wish the exiting worshipers well on their way. He would have preferred to stay inside of the sanctuary to see what happened next, but duty called. Someone else would give “the lost souls count” at Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting.

The Elder was buoyed by the entire service. “So, this is what ‘spirit filled’ means” , he thought.