Bud Says:

She could start an argument in an empty house.

He’s about as useless as a screen door on a submarine.

His elevator don’t go all the way to the top. He’s one fry short of a Happy Meal. Or, as my grandma used to say, “He don’t got all what belongs to him.” All taken to mean, “He/She is crazy.”

He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour pee out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel.

She’s so tall if she fell down she’d be halfway home.

It’s hotter than a billy goat’s ass in a pepper patch.

I feel like I’ve been rode hard and put up wet.

That makes about as much sense as tits on a bull.

She was busier than a cat buryin’ sh*t on a marble floor.

I bought it for a song and you can sing it yourself.

She has her nose so high in the air she could drown in a rainstorm.

He’s as windy as a sack full of farts.

He could fall into a barrel of sh*t and come out smelling like roses. Me on the other hand, I could fall into a barrel of titties and come out suckin’ my thumb.

I’m sweatin’ like a whore in church.

He’s so bad he whups his own ass twice a week.

He’s so useless if he had a third hand he’d need an extra pocket to stick it in.

She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone.

He’s so poor he doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.

It’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.

He’s so full of sh*t his eyes are brown.

He’s slicker than pig snot on a radiator.

She’s as dumb as a bag of hammers/rocks.

He don’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.

If I tell you a duck can pull a truck, then shut up and hook the sucker up.

Wadn’t nothin’ between him and the Lord but a smile.

He ain’t got the good sense God gave a goose.

He’s so rich he buys a new boat when he gets the other one wet.

She was madder than a wet hen.

I’m shakin’ like a hounddog trying to sh*t a peach pit.

She was so buck-toothed she could eat corn through a picket fence.

He’s about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

He didn’t know whether to sh*t or go blind so he winked his right eye and farted.

She was busy as a cat on a hot tin roof.

That stinks so bad it could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.

Quit goin’ around your ass to get to your elbow.

Put wishes in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one fills up first.

She ain’t worth the salt in her bread.

It’s cold as a well digger’s ass in January.

He doesn’t know whether to check his ass or scratch his watch.

I’m so hungry my belly thinks my throat’s been cut.

I gotta pee so bad my eyeballs are floatin’.

He’s about as useless as a bent dick dog.

It’s hotter than two rabbits screwin’ in a wool sack.

He’s drunk as Cooter Brown.

He couldn’t find his own ass with both hands stuck in his back pockets.

I’m busier than a 2-dollar whore on nickel night.

He’s crazier than a sh*thouse rat.

She’s hot as a 2 dollar pistol.

It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth.

She was busier than a one-armed monkey with two peckers.