She could start an argument in an empty house.
He’s about as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
His elevator don’t go all the way to the top. He’s one fry short of a Happy Meal. Or, as my grandma used to say, “He don’t got all what belongs to him.” All taken to mean, “He/She is crazy.”
He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour pee out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel.
She’s so tall if she fell down she’d be halfway home.
It’s hotter than a billy goat’s ass in a pepper patch.
I feel like I’ve been rode hard and put up wet.
That makes about as much sense as tits on a bull.
She was busier than a cat buryin’ sh*t on a marble floor.
I bought it for a song and you can sing it yourself.
She has her nose so high in the air she could drown in a rainstorm.
He’s as windy as a sack full of farts.
He could fall into a barrel of sh*t and come out smelling like roses. Me on the other hand, I could fall into a barrel of titties and come out suckin’ my thumb.
I’m sweatin’ like a whore in church.
He’s so bad he whups his own ass twice a week.
He’s so useless if he had a third hand he’d need an extra pocket to stick it in.
She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone.
He’s so poor he doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.
It’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.
He’s so full of sh*t his eyes are brown.
He’s slicker than pig snot on a radiator.
She’s as dumb as a bag of hammers/rocks.
He don’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.
If I tell you a duck can pull a truck, then shut up and hook the sucker up.
Wadn’t nothin’ between him and the Lord but a smile.
He ain’t got the good sense God gave a goose.
He’s so rich he buys a new boat when he gets the other one wet.
She was madder than a wet hen.
I’m shakin’ like a hounddog trying to sh*t a peach pit.
She was so buck-toothed she could eat corn through a picket fence.
He’s about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
He didn’t know whether to sh*t or go blind so he winked his right eye and farted.
She was busy as a cat on a hot tin roof.
That stinks so bad it could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
Quit goin’ around your ass to get to your elbow.
Put wishes in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one fills up first.
She ain’t worth the salt in her bread.
It’s cold as a well digger’s ass in January.
He doesn’t know whether to check his ass or scratch his watch.
I’m so hungry my belly thinks my throat’s been cut.
I gotta pee so bad my eyeballs are floatin’.
He’s about as useless as a bent dick dog.
It’s hotter than two rabbits screwin’ in a wool sack.
He’s drunk as Cooter Brown.
He couldn’t find his own ass with both hands stuck in his back pockets.
I’m busier than a 2-dollar whore on nickel night.
He’s crazier than a sh*thouse rat.
She’s hot as a 2 dollar pistol.
It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth.
She was busier than a one-armed monkey with two peckers.