Month: June 2016

Good morning, y’all. While we try to escape the bone crushing heat, and thanking our lucky stars we’re not retired in Phoenix, watching CNN around the clock becomes our number one past time. The focus in Orlando right now is to see how much signage Disney can throw up to make themselves look like responsible citizens. Responsible but irresponsible, if you know what I mean. A child waded into a lagoon at a luxury resort and was killed a horrific death in front of his parents, and Disney doesn’t want to appear responsible. That’s irresponsible, right?

Speaking of irresponsible brings us back to the retelling of the history of the Little Church in the Valley. It is the sixth and final day of Summer Revival 2010. A groggy group of committee members were sitting about the kitchen table of the rectory waiting for the caffeine of the coffee to raise their blood pressure and spirits. As Mulva Lite counted the cash, and rubber banded and labeled the stacks, the Elders sipped their coffee and tried to find words sufficient to break the silence.

Elder Diggum broke the ice, “I’m for withholding Hap’s share of yesterday’s gate, what say you?” As he looked around the table at the other members of the committee.

“Well, I think we might have a legal struggle with that one.” Elder Wiley replied, “I think we’re on firm ground for not paying him his fee tonight, and probably his cut of tonight’s gate, I just don’t think we could win a claim against last night’s revenue.” “He did make it to the end of the service, more or less.”

“Yeah, I don’t see too much good publicity in stiffing a preacher that has a mental breakdown on our watch.” Elder Cheatum said as he headed back to the coffee pot. “I think we should be fair with him up through last night, and then call it even.” “We could suffer lost revenue when it gets out that he won’t be here tonight, so I just say we call it even.” “If Hap wants to sue, well, we’ve got a pretty good story to tell ourselves.”

Reverend Daniel placed his cup on its coaster and asked, “Does anybody know how Hap’s doing?”

A look around the table revealed  blank stares until Mulva Lite looked up from her counting and said, “He’s resting comfortably.” “Annie Howe and a couple of the Ladies Auxillary went to take him flowers this morning.” “Annie’s niece, who is a nurse at the hospital, said; ‘he’s resting comfortably’.” “He’s not strapped down or anything, and he’s in a regular room.” Mulva continued, “He’s not allowed any visitors right now, but maybe later.”

“Well, good, good, thank you for the report sister Mulva.” Reverend Daniel said as he picked up his cup to facilitate having its contents warmed by Elder Cheatum. “I think Elder Cheatum is correct, we need to be fair with Hap, but not unfair to ourselves.” “We’re traveling into uncharted waters here with a new preacher and all.” “I am reminded of 1Timothy 5:8, ‘Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.’” “We should be sure that our little family is strong and will survive any missteps we may make in this transitional period.” “Which is a good time for you to give us your report sister Mulva, if you’re ready.”

Mulva looked up from her end of the table and the neatly stacked piles of cash and checks. “I think I’m ready, let me just put this last entry in the computer.” Mulva made the entry in the laptop that she had purchased, and, “more or less” donated to the church. She still maintained the hardback ledger books, as the church had done since 1902, but now she could print out her reports and spreadsheets. Mulva was also more confident of the computer’s math skills than her own. These were smart businessmen, the Elders, not someone you’d want to give a false report to.

“I’ve double checked my numbers, because there was such a variance, but the church’s share of the collection, even after paying “all” of the ministers, was fifty eight hundred dollars.” Mulva said. “Concessions were over eleven thousand dollars again last night.” “I’m projecting profits from concessions to be about eight thousand three hundred dollars.” “We’ve already reached our goal of fifty thousand dollars of profit for the revival, and we’ve got one more night to go.” “I’m so proud of the Ladies Auxillary, I could just bust.”  Mulva let out a big breath like she had served every fruit cup, poured each Pepsi Cola, and dug one more XXL T-shirt out of the box herself. 

As Mulva looked about the table for approval, Elder Cheatum broke the silence. “I think I know why the collections were up so much.” “Last night was the first time Hap asked the audience to give.” “I kept wondering about that, I watched him every night, and last night was the first time he asked the congregation to dig deep.” “The only thing I could come up with was that Hap figured the congregation would have more money for his autographed stuff and personal healings, if they didn’t leave it in the collection plate.” “I hate to think ill of someone, but that’s the only rationale I can come up with.”

“Well, that’s a clear violation of his contract, if it comes to it.” Elder Wiley said. “I’m with Buster on this one.” “I say we just call it even and move on.” “Speaking of moving on”, Elder Wiley continued, have we got tonight’s lineup squared away?” “Also, do we have an official story?”

Elder Diggum seemed to revive as if coming back from a coma and said, “I’m going with epileptic fit brought on by some over the counter medication he was taking for his rash.” “I’ve alerted the Ladies Auxillary and all of the volunteers.” “I think we can post on the billboard in front of the church that we’ve chosen our new minister, and he’ll be in Tent number one “, Elder Diggum continued. “People might not miss Hap one bit if Reverend Bread is on his game.” “Besides, he’s going to be warmed up Reverend Daniel, so I think the people will feel like they’ve gotten their money’s worth.”

“The kind words are appreciated, sir”, said Reverend Daniel, “now that you mention it, it might not hurt me to prepare a little bit.” “I think I’d like to go read the Bible a bit in my bedroom before lunch, if that would be be ok?”, the Reverend said as he stood up.

Just then there was a knock on the door, and all of the males answered in chorus, “Come in.” Crystal Leer was pushing open the rectory door. A very disheveled Crystal Leer. She looked about the room before settling on the face of Elder Cheatum. “Can I see you for a moment, in private?”,  she asked.

“Sure, why don’t we just talk on the porch”, the Elder said as he headed towards the secretary/assistant. The Elder motioned Ms. Lite to a rocking chair but she refused.

“I’ll just take a moment of your time.” she said, “Hap’s done.” “I don’t mean for this revival, I mean, maybe forever.” “His addiction to painkillers has just taken over everything”, “The doctors are saying that was what caused the rash and the seizure.” “I knew I signed on for a lot when I took on this position, but I didn’t sign on for this.” “I’d like to collect what you all owe Hap so I can pay everybody before sending them off.” “Would that be possible?”

“Yes, of course, that was our agreement.” the Elder replied. “But you know we won’t be paying his fee or commissions for tonight, right?”

“Sounds perfectly fair”, Ms. Leer replied. “I’d like to pay the group and then I guess I’ll have the boys move the vehicles to the Hospital parking lot.” “Would that be ok?”

“It’s ok with me, if it’s ok with the hospital.” the Elder said. “Now that I think about it, they might like the advertising.” “Somebody famous staying in their hospital.” “Have a seat here and let me get your money, cash right?”

“Yes, please”, Crystal said with a smile, as she sat down in a rocker. The Elder returned in a couple of minutes with an envelope containing twelve one hundred dollar bills.

“I rounded up a little”, The Elder said as he handed her the envelope. “You all will stay for lunch won’t you?” “It’s already being prepared.”

“Why yes, thank you” Crystal replied, “that’s very nice of you.” “I know the boys will be sad to be leaving.” “They all claim they’ve never eaten so good.” As Crystal stood to go, she looked out across the valley spread out before her from her vantage on the porch of the rectory. “You’ve got a real special community here.” “A person can do a lot worse that living in Nunsuch.” As Crystal Leer headed down the steps, she threw back, “See you at lunch”, over her shoulder. Then she was off, trying to settle scores for another.

Elder Cheatum decided to sit and rock awhile before lunch. There was nothing to do inside but beat a dead horse, he reasoned, and they’d done enough of that already today.

Good morning, y’all. Happy to say that Mickey Mouse is more responsive to the needs of his constituents than Congress. Of course Congress is much more insulated from their customer base than Disney World. While workers at Disney are putting up signs and fences to protect their guests from a known menace, Congress is voting down legislation proposing to keep known menaces from getting guns. Makes you wonder which entity is actually running Fantasyland doesn’t it?

Speaking of Fantasyland brings us back to the retelling of the history of the Little Church in the Valley. It is the end of day five of Summer Revival 2010. Hap Johnstone had made it until the end of his sermon before losing it and going crazy as an outhouse rat. Elder Cheatum has returned to the rectory and put on a pot of coffee while he awaits the arrival of the other committee members.

As the committee members arrive, they all grab a cup of coffee before sitting down around the kitchen table. All eyes are on Elder Cheatum, who takes a deep breath and begins. “Hap’s done”, the Elder began, “He may be done forever, I don’t know.” “He was babbling like a street corner preacher when they strapped him into the ambulance.” “I see some long term in-patient care ahead of him, but, I’ve been surprised before.” “They’ve got some wonder drugs now that can make a homicidal, suicidal maniac sit quietly, but that ain’t what you need in a preacher.” The Elder placed his cup back on the coaster. “Diagnosis aside, he’s done for us.” “Any thoughts?”

All of the committee started to speak at once, but deferred to Reverend Daniel. “Well, we tried to keep him going.” “We gave him a lot of latitude to do the job.” Reverend Daniel took a sip of his coffee before continuing, “You gotta admit, that doctor’s outfit was pretty creative.” “It’s just a shame, a darn shame.” “Well, what do you fellas think?”

Elder Diggum was next to grab the floor. “I think we need to decide whether we’ve got a future minister in the group we’ve collected, or if we try again at the Winter Revival.” “I’ve got my opinion, but this is something we all should be firmly committed to.” “I think the Reverend Bread is a keeper, but I’m open to hearing opposing thoughts.”

Elder Wiley leaned forward on his elbows as if to draw the group closer together in a more conspiratorial mood. “I agree about Reverend Bread.” “If you could get past his voice, Reverend Rhoades is equally as good, I think.” “But, you can’t get past that voice.” “When I think about hearing that caterwauling three times a week until the good Lord takes me, well, I might start praying for an early release from this earthly plane.” Elder Wiley is grinning, but the other committee members get his point.

Elder Wiley continues, “You know I feel like I’m channeling Yogi Berra here, but this is ‘dejavu all over again.'”

“First rule of damage control, assess the damage” “Can we cover tomorrow night? I think we can.”

“Second rule of damage control, limit the damage” “I think announcing the new preacher and giving him center stage tomorrow night will help folks forget about the Right Reverend Hap T. Johnstone.”

“Third rule of damage control, control the message” “If Hap hadn’t started cussing like a sailor on leave we could have just said he was so in the grasp of the Spirit that he couldn’t get back to his preaching.” “Now it looks like he was speaking for the devil himself.” “Thank goodness the Blairsville Times and the Nunsuch News are weekly papers. ” “We’ ll have time to massage the message before they publish again.” “We might get lucky and be able to get an article pulled, who knows?” “We’ll work on that.” “That’s my thoughts, anybody got anything else?”

Mulva Lite had been sitting quietly, barely moving while the men expressed themselves. “I’d just like to say”, Mulva began as the men turned to look at the secretary-treasurer, “that if we were making our decision based strictly on financial considerations, Reverend Bread is the choice.” “I know it’s not supposed to be a consideration, we’re supposed to consider only the spiritual implications of our choice, but this is a really big step for us.” “We’ve been blessed to have the Hawker family minister to us for as long as any of us can remember.” “As crass as it sounds, we can’t afford to bring in a preacher, no matter how spirit-filled he might be, that can’t keep the lights on.” “I’m sorry, that’s just my thoughts.” “I’ll vote for whoever you all think is best.”

Reverend Daniel rose to get the pot of coffee to freshen everyone’s cup. “Thank you, Mulva, your points are well taken.” “If we make the wrong choice now it could effect attracting new membership, and we know we’ve got to have new members.” “Ain’t any of us getting any younger.” “Well, I think my mind is made up, how about you all?” Reverend Daniel said as he looked around the table.

“I think we’re all on the same page” , said Elder Cheatum, “By a show of hands, who is in favor of offering the job of minister to the Little Church in the Valley to Reverend Dale E. Bread?” The vote was unanimous, all five committee members raised their right hands in agreement.

“Now what?” Elder Diggum asked.

“Now we call Reverend Bread and ask him if he can meet with us for a few minutes.” Elder Cheatum replied. “I’ll call him now.”

Mulva Lite starting a fresh pot of coffee brewing, and by the time it was finished, Reverend Bread was knocking on the rectory door. The Reverend was dressed in gym shorts and a T-shirt with the Florida gator emblazoned on the front. As he took his seat around the table, Mulva offered the young preacher a cup of coffee.

“Can’t do coffee after 6PM”, Reverend Bread declined, “If I drink it, I’m up all night. “Thank you very much though.” “Why am I here?” “Is it about Hap?” “How is Hap?” “I heard he had a seizure or something.”

“Well, Hap is done for this revival.” Elder Cheatum replied while cataloging the idea of seizure as an explanation for Hap’s behavior. “That’s part of the reason we wanted to talk to you, we wanted to see if you were interested in headlining in Tent number one tomorrow night?”

“Oh, wow, sure, yes”, replied Reverend Bread, “I’d be honored to stand in for Hap Johnstone.” “Thank you, thank you so much.”

Pleased that the young reverend’s response had been so enthusiastic, Elder Cheatum decided to put all of his cards on the table. “Tell me Dale, what do you think about our little community?” the Elder inquired. “I know we’re not as flashy and glitzy as Homosassa Springs.”

“Well sir, I don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve been to Homosassa Springs, but it must have lost some of its flash and glitter since then.” Reverend Dale gave a big perfect grin as he continued. “I just love it here, to be honest.” “The air is so clean, and the nights are cool, so you can sleep with the windows open.” “And you folks, well, you all are just the best.” “I don’t think I’ve ever ate so good, or so much, in all of my life.” “I mean, I’m sure there’s some warts there somewhere, there always is, but I ain’t seen ’em yet.” Reverend Dale made eye contact with everyone around the table as he spoke which gave each member the impression he was addressing them individually. The charisma was so thick it was tangible. 

“I’m glad you said that”, Elder Cheatum said, “We like you too.” “In fact, after much discussion, and even more prayer, we’ve decided to ask you if you would be interested in being our pastor.”

“Would I, oh my goodness, yes!” “It would be a dream come true to follow in the footsteps of the Hawker family.” “They’ve been such pioneers in the Pentecostal movement; I can’t think of a higher honor!” “I’m not even going to ask what it pays, it’s not important.” “Praise the Lord, when do you want me to start?”

“Give as much notice as you need to,” Elder Cheatum replied, “Reverend Daniel is still around, he’ll be able to fill in until you can get free.” “And even some afterwards if you need a vacation day or something.”

“Oh, wow, thank you, thank you, I’m going to call my wife right now.” “She’ll be so happy to get back to the mountains.” Reverend Bread said as he jumped up. “Is there anything else?” “Can I go call her now?”

“Sure, sure, go ahead” “There’s nothing else so important it won’t wait until tomorrow.” Go call your wife.” Elder Cheatum said as Reverend Bread headed for the door.

As Reverend Bread reached for the door handle, he was called back by the voice of Elder Wiley. “One more thing, Reverend Bread, you’re gonna have to lose all of that Gator paraphernalia, you’re in Bulldog country now.”

Reverend Bread looked down at his T-shirt, thought for about a millisecond and gave his best grin. “Yes sir, not a problem.” “Anything else?”

“Nope, that’s it.” “Now go get some rest, tomorrow is going to be a big day.” Elder Wiley said with a grin on his face, satisfied that he had won the biggest challenge of the night.

Reverend Daniel looked about the table to the collected group of parishioners, most of whom were also his lifelong friends. “I’d like to say a prayer at this point and kind of seal our deal with the Lord, if nobody minds.”

Each committee member extended a hand to the person sitting on either side of them, and Reverend Daniel began. “Oh Lord, You are lavish in bestowing all of your gifts, and we give thanks for the favor that you have shown us. We ask that you continue to guide us, protect us, and to shelter us in your embrace. We ask this in the name of our savior Jesus Christ. Amen.” 

At the end of the prayer, the committee responded, “Amen”, together. Reverend Daniel stood up and said, “There being no further business, I suggest  we try to get a few hours of sleep before we pick it up and do it again.”

The group responded, “Amen”, together again, and headed out into the night for their homes.

 

Good morning, y’all. The news coming out of Florida is about what you’d expect. Disney is quietly putting up fencing and signage to correct a situation they ignored. I suspect, that legally, it will be too little too late to compensate the family for the horror of losing their two year old. The courts in Florida are traditionally very kind to Disney, so maybe a change of venue is appropriate. Maybe a jury somewhere up North where a primeval predator would not be considered a mere nuisance, but an actual menace, would be the appropriate court to decide Disney’s liability.

Speaking of primeval leads back to the telling of the history of the Little Church in the Valley. On the fifth night of Summer Revival 2010, the Little Church in the Valley has made it successfully through the first act of the revival meetings scheduled for the evening. Elder Cheatum glances about the parking lot and watches the attendees grabbing Pepsi Colas, fruit cups, snow cones, whatever they can before heading back into the tents for round two. The Elder takes a deep breath and prepares himself for anything and everything. As the Elder took his place in the last row of Tent number one, the Right Reverend Hap T. Johnstone’s piano player started playing a song that the Elder was unfamiliar with. The chorus of the song went something like:

“Someone’s been healed today
A miracle passed your way
Who touched my clothes?
You now are made whole
Step forward and claim
Your faith has pulled you through
Your healing has come to you
You can receive today
Right now, in Jesus Name” 

The Elder couldn’t concentrate too much on the lyrics because he was stunned by the appearance of Hap T. Johnstone. The Right Reverend was dressed as if he were about to perform surgery. There he stood, on the stage at a Pentecostal revival in a full set of hospital scrubs. Hap’s outfit was the complete set of “greenies”, including cap and mask. The Elder quickly realized it was the gloves that Hap was after, and that the rest of the outfit was a diversion. The Elder settled back into his seat to see if Hap was going to be able to pull this one off.

There could be a lot of things said about the Right Reverend Hap T. Johnstone, but showman had to be at the top of the list. The Right Reverend pulled down his mask, and slid back his cap, like a surgeon that was about to deliver fatal news to the next of kin. The Right Reverend went into his sermon entitled, ‘The Healing Powers of Jesus”. Hap delivered the sermon like a man that felt the devil’s pitchfork at his backside punctuating each word. Hap’s words carried an extra passion tonight, and the Elder suspected that it was to convince the audience of the need for his garb, and not the truth of the message.

At the ten minute break the piano player started playing, “Leaning  on the Everlasting Arms”. Hap strode around the stage singing the hymn at the top of his lungs. He nearly tripped one of the Heavenly Hummingbirds with the microphone cord as he rushed back to the pulpit at the end of the last verse. Without a break, Hap started into the next segment of his sermon. Hap had not taken his “booster” pill at the break, but only those closest to him would have noticed. The next twenty minutes were filled with the evils of modern medicine with special disdain shown for Obamacare. Hap even ventured into the grey area of state supported healthcare being against the natural order of things, of subordinating God’s will.

At the twenty minute mark, Hap shrugged his shoulders and the piano player started playing, “The Blood Will Never Loose Its Power”. Hap leaned into the microphone, and instead of singing along with the Heavenly Hummingbirds, Hap made an impassioned plea to the audience as the Elders started passing the collection plate.

“Many of you have come here tonight expecting a miracle, expecting to be made whole through the power of Jesus as delivered by his humble servant.” “I know that it’s hard to put a price on being healed, of being made well, but the people that wear the clothes I’m wearing tonight can put a price on making you well.” “I’m not asking you to pay that price, but I am asking you to dig deep into your pockets and give all you can give.” “It’s long been said, ‘The Lord helps those that help themselves’,  “I ask that you help yourself tonight by giving all you can so we can continue to bring the healing grace of Jesus to this community.” 

The Right Reverend walked to the little table setup with pitchers of water and lemonade and poured himself a large lemonade before returning to the pulpit. He returned to the microphone in time to sing the last verse of the hymn with his backup singers. Taking in a deep breath, Hap delivered the last ten minutes of his sermon in a voice that seemed to be possessed. It was not the voice that Hap used for his bouts of glossolalia, but a higher pitched version. The voice was not quite “high school girl squeal”, but it was close.

The voice was so disconcerting that it was hard to follow the message. The Elder gleaned that the essence of the sermon was to trust your healer not your doctor. “Cancer required miracles, not radiation.” “Only modern medicine argues that they have to make you sicker before they can make you better.” “Jesus brings instant relief.”, and so on.

With a shrug of Hap’s shoulders, the piano player started playing, “Nearer My God To Thee”, and Hap moved to the floor for the Testament of Faith. Hap’s security passed him a corn snake and Hap grabbed it with his gloved hands and started his “Circle of tongues”. The serpent did his part, slipping his tongue out at every opportunity, looking as menacing as a corn snake can look. Hap was having a hard time keeping up his end, though. Hap’s arms were shaking violently as he held the serpent aloft as he made his pass. The Right Reverend’s tongues were equally disconnected with the words of the ancients interspersed with the words of the drunken sailor on leave in the Phillipines.

What started as a Testament of Faith, interspersed with spirit filled speech, evolved into a full blown bout of Tourette’s syndrome. The afflicted that had been lined up in both aisles dispersed rapidly to avoid the filth being spewed from the mouth of the Right Reverend Hap T. Johnstone. Elder Cheatum went against the tide as he made his way up the aisle to the stricken minister. The faithful were leaving the tent as quickly as the residents of Sodom and Gomorrah. Only his status in the community kept the Elder from being swept off of his feet and carried out of the tent by the tidal wave of humanity.

Elder Cheatum reached the Right Reverend and looked about for any of Hap’s entourage. Hap’s security seemed frozen in place. After repeated urging, the Elder was able to get two of Hap’s security guards to take Hap’s arms and legs and carry Hap out of the tent. Hap’s scrubs were covered in sweat and his pancake makeup was leaving his face in chunks. Hap’s security carried the raving minister inside the tour bus and laid him on the sofa. Elder Cheatum looked about the interior of the bus and marveled at its opulence. The Elder also marveled at who was missing from the little tableau. Ms. Leer was nowhere in sight.

The call to 911 was made from Elder Cheatum’s cell phone. The EMT’s arrived in about twelve minutes. A quick assessment was made, and the Right Reverend was carried through the tour bus door and strapped to a gurney. As the ambulance crew were strapping the Right Reverend into the ambulance, Crystal Leer appeared. Explaining her relationship to the stricken minister, the EMT’s allowed Ms. Leer to ride with them to Blairsville General. As the ambulance headed off into the night, Elder Cheatum started the phone tree for an emergency meeting of the committee. This one could not wait until tomorrow. The Elder headed back towards the rectory to put on a pot of coffee. This was going to be a long one.

Good morning, y’all. As predicted, the Republican Congress decided not enough people have died due to gun violence. Once again the Congress passed on the idea that anyone, no matter how crazy, should be denied access to weapons of mass destruction. To heighten the experience, they’ve sent out Skeletor, disguised as the governor of Florida, Rick Scott, to express his grief for all of the public officials inconvenienced by the most recent shooting. The fact that he can’t erase the smile off of his face should tell us something, I’m just not sure what.

Having a smile on one’s face leads us back into the telling of the history of the Little Church in the Valley. Elder Cheatum is collecting his thoughts on the front porch of the rectory when he awakens with a jolt. He hadn’t even realized he had fallen asleep. The Elder is amazed that the glass of sweet tea he had been sipping is still in his hand, though the ice has completely melted. He slowly raises his head from its position on his chest, hoping to not make the crick in his neck any worse. There were still a couple of more days to go in Summer Revival 2010, and the Elder needed to remain in good health to the finish. The Elder went in to the Rectory to check if any of the other committee members were hanging about.

Truthfully, he went in to use the bathroom more than anything else. He didn’t know if young Tory from “Happy Johnny” knew anything about the fragging of Viet Nam days, but there was no point in taking the chance. The Elder vowed to use only the indoor plumbing until he heard that a favorable resolution had been worked out with the port-a-potty company. Returning from the bathroom, Elder Cheatum noticed his partners, Elder Diggum and Elder Wiley playing Whist with Reverend Daniel.

“I thought you needed pairs to play Whist, it looks like you’re one short.” Elder Cheatum said as he took his usual spot at the table.

“Reverend Daniel is teamed with the Holy Spirit, but you can take his place now that you’ve awoken from your nap.” Elder Wiley said. “It must be nice to be able to sleep during the day, on the job.” “I was thinking about taking your pulse there for a while.”

Elder Cheatum grinned at the good-natured kidding and responded, “And I’d have sued you for practicing medicine without a license if you had.” “I guess I’d have to hire a different attorney to pursue my regular attorney.”

Elder Wiley looked shocked and responded, “And what gives you the impression that I couldn’t defend myself while give you the very best of prosecutions?” “I’m hurt that your opinion of me has sunk so low.”

“Boys, boys, boys”, said Reverend Daniel, “we’ve got some serious business here and you all are acting like you’re in a frat house, or something.”

“Speaking of serious business, how’d it go with Happy Johnny?” Elder Cheatum asked.

“Fine, fine, I had to twist his arm a little harder than I wanted, but, I got the balance of the week for free, and the Winter revival at half price.” Reverend Daniel replied. “I don’t feel guilty one bit for taking that young feller’s ignorance and parlaying it into a blessing for the church.” “No sir, not one bit.”

The cards flew around the table until about 4:30PM when the Ladies Auxillary came in for their dinner preparations. Between Whist tricks, Elder Cheatum had told the other players the latest about the Right Reverend Hap T. Johnstone. It was determined that Reverend Daniel would be standing in the on deck circle if Hap was unable to go on. Everyone wanted to hear Rocky Rhoades speak in front of a large crowd before making the decision of who to offer the job to.

For Reverend Rhoades to have that opportunity, the group needed to keep the schedule as it was. The lineup for tonight was Rocky Rhoades opening for Hap T. Johnstone in Tent One, Al DaBino opening for  Dale E. Bread in Tent Two, and Brighton Early opening for Bill Foldes in Tent Three.

“Alvin, I’m going to need you down in Tent number three to make sure that Bill Foldes doesn’t have anything funny up his sleeve, if you know what I mean.” said Elder Cheatum.

“Indeed, I do.” replied Elder Wiley. “I’ll give him a good frisk before he takes to the stage.” “Should I give him any scary lawyer talk, or do you think he’s already got the fear of the law within him.”

“Do whatever you think is best.” Elder Cheatum said. “We need him to go on, so don’t paralyze him.” “Why don’t you play good cop and maybe we’ll get two more good performances out of him?”

“Ok, good cop, I guess I can do that.” replied Elder Wiley, “Let’s get something to eat.”

Tonight’s dinner, provided by the Ladies Auxillary, was the most scrumptious chicken and dumplings ever. The sides were fried okra and squash casserole. Cornbread was provided to sop up the gravy from the dumplings. Apple pie and vanilla ice cream made up the dessert. Again, Hap T. Johnstone was missing, but the rest of his entourage was in attendance. Ms. Leer was once again sitting with the Reverend Dale E. Bread. Elder Cheatum casually walked from table to table, playing toastmaster, until he stopped next to Ms. Leer. “How are we all doing?” the Elder asked, and looked straight at Ms. Leer. The pair answered in unison, “Just fine.” But it was Ms. Leer’s answer the Elder had come to hear.

Crystal replied “Fine”, once again to let the Elder know that he could count on Hap living up to his contract that night.

“Good, good, glad to hear it.” the Elder said. “You all have a blessed evening.” The Elder threw back the good wishes over his shoulder as he went to make his rounds prior to showtime. Promptly at 7PM, the lights throughout the parking lot flickered and the hymn, “All Are Welcome” starting playing over the loud speakers. Elder Cheatum walked quickly to Tent number one and slipped into the last row as Reverend Rockefeller (Rocky) Rhoades bounded onto the stage.

Reverend Rhoades was born to a wealthy, upper crust family that had migrated to America in 1640. The Rhoades family stayed primarily in the New York state area and Rocky was named after one of New York’s most famous residents, John D. Rockefeller. Rocky was born in Ithaca, New York, while his father was Dean of the Divinity school at Cornell. Rocky’s exposure to religion growing up was varied and, at his Dad’s insistence, even handed. Rocky could quote from the Koran as well as the Talmud and the Bible. He even had a fascination with Eastern religions, particularly the concept of reincarnation. Something that was alive after death and still interacting with the earth bound plane led Rocky into Pentecostal Evangelism. The fact that the religion was considered to be “extreme” by his father may have set Rocky on his path.

Rocky was a firecracker on stage, size and dress. He stood five feet six inches tall in his shoes with the big lifts. For his night in front of the big crowd, Reverend Rhoades had dressed in a red and white plaid jacket with red pants. The Reverend’s outfit was not Georgia red, but Alabama red, and Elder Cheatum knew that the crowd knew the difference. The wrong color would reflect poorly on the Reverend’s sartorial choice.

His choice of dress was not the real problem, though. It was the voice. Elder Cheatum had never heard the word “y’all” sound like finger nails raking across a blackboard until that night. Not until Reverend Rhoades stepped up to the microphone and said “How are y’all doing?” It was a voice that said, “I live so far up north I get my mail in Canada”. Elder Cheatum tried to follow the sermon, tried to give the fellow a chance, but there was no getting past the voice.

While waiting for the Testament of Faith the Elder amused himself by wondering if the Reverend carried a box to stand on as he traveled about the country. Some pulpits are taller than others; it would be hard to reach an audience that couldn’t see you. Finally, the Testament of Faith and altar call arrived. The aisles were bereft of afflicted seeking the healing hands of Reverend Rocky Rhoades.

Elder Cheatum surmised that the path ahead for the Little Church of the Valley would be “too Rocky” with the Reverend Rhoades in the driver seat. “Too Rocky”, Elder Cheatum thought, almost as good as “Too Early”. The Elder stepped outside of the tent to catch a breath of fresh air before the next act.

 

Good morning, y’all. While we wait for the next mass shooting, and, I hear one was averted in California, some Democrats are calling on their counterparts in the Republican party to act with courage and defy the NRA. Of course they won’t, courage is the first thing removed from a Republican candidate, along with the will to serve the public. Meanwhile, the press has to blame someone for our lack of safety, so they ask the question, “Is President Obama too aloof?” Too aloof, well I guess so. I know I prefer a leader that runs through the woods like his hair is on fire every time somebody pushes the hot topic button. In that regard, the press will love having The Donald for president, until he shuts them down.

Speaking of shutting things down brings us to the retelling of the history of the Little Church in the Valley. Lunch was being finished on the fifth day of Summer Revival 2010, and Elder Cheatum watched the Right Reverend Hap T. Johnstone’s secretary head towards the preacher’s tour bus before slipping along beside of her.

“Haven’t seen Hap, how’s he doing?” the Elder inquired.

“He’s resting”, Ms. Leer replied, “He should be just fine for tonight.”

“Oh really”, the Elder said, hardly containing his sarcasm. “I’d say he was so sick that he forgot about his share of the gate from yesterday, in fact, from what I know about Hap, he must be on his death bed.”

“No, no” Ms. Leer replied, “he’s just resting, he’ll be raring to go tonight, you’ll see.”

“Well, why don’t you come back over to the rectory with me so I can give you his share, I’m sure that will pick up his spirits.” The Elder said as he gently grabbed Crystal’s arm.

“Uh, ok, but I can only stay a minute, we’ve got a lot of preparation to do before tonight’s sermon.” Crystal said as they changed course towards the rectory.

“Fine, fine, won’t take but a minute.”, The Elder promised.

As they entered the rectory the Elder stepped aside to allow Crystal to enter the door first. When she passed, the Elder noticed a bruise on her left cheekbone, close to her eye.

“Why don’t you have a seat here while I get your money.” the Elder said, motioning to one of the wingback chairs in the living room.

Crystal sat down on the edge of the chair, able to pop up and leave at a second’s notice. She looked about the living room making note of the opposites of style. Old, old furniture was mixed with a couple of new pieces, a new TV, a new stereo, and what looked like a whole house sound system. There were pictures of people on the wall, plates, and a couple of religious paintings. “Jesus Knocking at the Door” was the most prominent piece of art. The Elder returned with an envelope and Crystal rose to leave.

“Sit for a minute, we need to talk”, the Elder said.

“But I need to get back.” Crystal said as she took a step towards the door. 

“I need to talk to you for a minute, or, when you go back, you can give Hap the news that his services are no longer needed.” , the Elder replied. 

Crystal dropped like a rock back to her chair and watched the Elder as he sat down in the matching chair across from her.

 “First, that bruise on your cheek, that looks fresh, where did that come from?” the Elder queried.

Crystal involuntarily touched her cheek before answering. “Oh, this, I opened a cabinet door right into my face.” “Pretty clumsy thing to do, I know, I guess I’m just clumsy though.” Crystal flushed as she looked at the Elder.

Elder Cheatum looked at Crystal and said, “Sure, sure.” “Now, Ms. Leer, I want to know exactly what is going on with Hap’s physical condition.” “If you attempt to lie, or give me a silly excuse like a cabinet door, we’re done.” “You and Hap can pack up your sideshow and leave this valley forever.” “When I get done telling the people I know, what I know, I doubt Hap will get hired to say the blessing at a soup kitchen. ” “Do we understand each other?”

“Yes sir.” Crystal replied meekly.

“Now, once again, what is the cause of this rash”, the Elder asked as he leaned forward in his chair. 

“Well sir, let me first say that Reverend Johnstone has suffered with a back problem for some time now.” “He was prescribed pain medication, which he takes everyday.” “When we got here for the Revival, Hap discovered he was out of medication and we went into town to get his prescription refilled.” ” The pharmacist at the Walmart wouldn’t refill it, and the doctor at the minute clinic wouldn’t give Hap a new prescription.” Crystal took a deep breath and pressed on. 

“We were forced to buy Hap’s medicine on the street, but I think there was some problem.” “I’ve been trying to figure this thing out, and near as I can tell by Googling everything, we think Hap got ‘Oxy’codone, instead of ‘Oxy’contin.” “The rash started coming right after Hap started taking the new pills.” “We were hoping it would clear up right away, but it hasn’t.” “We can’t go to a hospital here because Hap’s afraid his secret will come out.” Crystal said as she looked down at her hands crossed in her lap.

“His secret, the secret that he’s a drug addict?”, the Elder asked as his voice was rising, “it should come out.”

“No, no, he’s not a drug addict, he just takes a pill to calm his nerves.” “Hap’s secret is that he’s deathly afraid of snakes.” “Taking these little pills is the only thing that gets Hap through the Testament of Faith.” “If the secret gets out, Hap would lose about half of his bookings.”

“Ahhhh”, said the Elder, “now tell me again about the bruise.”

“Crystal bit her lower lip as she started, “Hap hit me.” “He was real upset I wasn’t waiting for him in the wings when he came off stage last night.” “I  told him I went ahead to get his bath ready for him, but he didn’t believe me.” “He said some horrible things before he hit me, but then he apologized after.” “He’s under a lot of pressure, and this rash thing, well…., he’s just not himself.”

“Ok, Ms. Lite, thank you, I appreciate your honesty.” “In fact, there’s nothing I value above honesty.” The Elder stood and reached out his hand to help the young secretary/assistant/scheduler/chef to her feet.

“This is what we’re going to do.” “We’re going to walk you back to the bus, and I’ll be there to explain your tardiness, if necessary.” “For now, your secrets are safe with me.” “In return, if you don’t think Hap is going to be able to go on tonight and deliver a sermon at least as good as last night’s, you are to notify me immediately.” “We would rather juggle the schedule and disappoint people a little bit; rather than put a drugged out ophiophobiac on the stage.” “That could ruin it all for everybody.” “Too many people have worked too hard to let Hap Johnstone screw it up.” “Are we agreed?”

“Yes sir,” Crystal said as they headed out the door. “I’ll let you know as soon as I can if I don’t think Hap will be able to go on.” They walked in silence to the tour bus. When they arrived, Elder Cheatum stopped Crystal from entering and pounded on the door of the bus.

“Hap, I’ve brought your money.” The Elder called out. “Sorry to keep your secretary so long, we had some trouble reconciling the collections.” “Ms. Lite was kind enough to wait while we sorted it out.”

The door opened a peak, and a disembodied voice called out, “Appreciate it, see you tonight.” Crystal slipped through the crack in the door and shut it quickly behind herself. The Elder stopped and listened for a minute, but there were no alarming sounds coming from inside the bus. Satisfied that his ruse had succeeded, Elder Cheatum went back to the rectory. He needed to rock a while.

Good morning, y’all. Orlando is still reeling, and it makes you wonder if the fates have decided that Mickey has had a good run, but now it’s over. Of course, the tragedies have given The Donald ample opportunities to show his ignorance on almost all topics. The Donald has criticized the President for caring more about Muslims than the people shot. I guess next The Donald will criticize the President for caring more about alligators than little children. The Donald’s ignorance, like his sens of decorum, knows no bounds. Taking a victory lap for his imaginary friends congratulating him for “being right about the Muslims”, is the lowest of the low. Sadly, I feel The Donald will find a way to sink lower.

Feeling low is a great starting point to continue our story of the Little Church in the Valley. Elder Cheatum walked into the Rectory that fifth day of Summer Revival 2010 feeling like he’d dodged a bullet. As he took a cup of coffee and sat down at his place at the table, all eyes turned upon him with a collective look of, “well?”

“I guess you all are waiting to hear about my visit with Hugh Morris”, he said as he sipped his coffee. “It went much better than expected.” “Hugh is going to be all right, and really doesn’t remember that much.” “Now, we don’t know if he might have some trace memory of something in the future, but right now he just thinks the batteries died on his pacemaker.” “The batteries died, but they ‘didn’t die a natural death’, I guess you might say.” 

There was a collective sigh of relief from the committee sitting a round the table. Reverend Daniel looked at Elder Cheatum and said with a smile, “You ain’t nearly done yet, son.” “What’s going on with our ‘star’?”

“I don’t know, what’s he done today?” Elder Cheatum said as he leaned in closer to the table. “Hap looked like he’d been rode hard and put up wet last night when I talked to him after the show.” “It’s too early for him to have gotten in to too much trouble.”

“Oh, nothing today”, Reverend Daniel said, “we just hadn’t heard from you last night, it being late on all.” 

“Well, we’re definitely going to have to deal with him for sure.” “He’s got about as angry a rash covering his body as you’ve ever seen.” “It was right clever of him to dress up formal so he could wear gloves to hide his rash, but, what’s he going to do tonight?”

Elder Cheatum turned to his business partner, Elder Diggum, and said, “He had about half an inch of pancake makeup on, covering from his neck into his hairline.” “It reminded me of that old boy that we did that was in the motorcycle accident.” “You remember, he had that road rash all down one side of his face.” “I mean it was just like applying makeup with a putty knife, one of the big ones.”

Elder Diggum shook his head in agreement, “Yep, I remember that old boy, it was a good thing we had that picture to work from.”

“Y’all can talk shop later”, interrupted Reverend Daniel, “we need to know what we’re going to do for the next two nights to keep this thing going.” “We’ve at least got to see Reverend Rhoades on the big stage before trying to make a decision.” “Maybe we can scramble a bit for Saturday, but we need to give Reverend Rhoades a shot.” “I’d like to compare apples to apples, if possible.”

“I agree”, said Elder Cheatum, “I just don’t know how Hap’s going to come back out.” “Let me think on it for a minute.” “Sister Mulva, give us some good news, we’ve had far too much of the other kind already.”

Mulva Lite raised her head up and beamed with the excitement of being able to contribute to the meeting. Passing the plate had resulted in donations of six thousand, four hundred and fifty dollars for night number four. Mulva reminded everyone that collections and concessions generally tapered a bit in the middle of the Revival. Statistically, Tent number three had pulled in a higher share than their audience would indicate.

Elder Cheatum interrupted at this point to ask rhetorically, “Reverend Bread has been in Tent number three the last two nights, right?”

Mulva checked her paperwork and confirmed that the last two nights, Reverend Bread had been in Tent number three, and that both nights, Tent number three had pulled a higher portion of revenue than the numbers in the tent would be expected to contribute.

“Thanks, I didn’t mean to interrupt, I just wanted to confirm my recollections.” said Elder Cheatum.

Mulva forged ahead. The church’s share of the collection, after paying the ministers, was thirty six hundred dollars. Still very respectable. Mulva then reported that concessions had gone over eleven thousand dollars for the night, another record. Projected profits from concessions were eight thousand eight hundred sixty one dollars. Mulva read the report like she had made each sale herself, she was that proud of the Ladies Auxillary and all of the volunteers. “I’d like to single one person out for special attention, if I may.” Mulva said as she laid her papers back down on the kitchen table. “The new T-shirt painter, Lavonia, has just worked her heart out.” “I think everybody under twenty had something painted on their face last night.” “How smart was it to print “John 3:16″ instead of trying to paint the whole verse on somebody’s cheek?” “That’s right smart.” “It makes everybody more aware of their Bible verses, and I think she said she did over a hundred cheeks last night.” “We need to find a way to get her more involved, she’s a ‘doer’.” 

“Thank you, Mulva, we’ll see what we can do for the painter.” said Elder Cheatum, “before we go to lunch, there’s one more item we need to discuss, and we should do it before lunch.”

The Elder proceeded to tell the committee about the run in with the “Happy Johnny” employee and his feelings on what the resolution should be. Elder Cheatum suggested that Reverend Daniel call the owner of “Happy Johnny” and hammer him on religious intolerance until “Happy Johnny” felt obliged to donate the rest of their services for this Revival. If Reverend Daniel could bring it home by getting free service for the next Revival, well, so much the better.

Reverend Daniel agreed and the group reconvened around the picnic tables for the lunch provided by the Ladies Auxillary. Today’s lunch was country fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy and green beans with fatback. As the assorted Ministers, entourages, and staff members took their places, Elder Cheatum looked for the Right Reverend Hap T. Johnstone. Hap was not to be found, but his assistant was sitting across from Reverend Bread. Elder Cheatum would let Ms. Leer eat her lunch before pursuing the “what’s new with Hap?” game.

As he listened to Reverend Daniel deliver the blessing, the Elder reflected on how easy it had been to just wait for a Hawker to retire to pass the mantle to the next generation. It was clear “they weren’t in Kansas” anymore, and there were going to be some big changes with the little church.

 

Good morning, y’all. You listen to the news coming out of Orlando to hear about the latest tragedy, and you find out you’re one tragedy behind. The news that an alligator has carried off an infant at Disney World is just crushing. I know most parents feel like that they should be holding the hands of their toddlers all of the time, but you really can’t. At some point we all have to let our children take a few steps on their own until they are able to completely fend for themselves. I do feel like most parents are justified in their belief that their children shouldn’t encounter an alligator at the world’s most popular theme park. The lawsuit / settlement will be enormous.

Speaking of lawsuits leads us back into our retelling of the history of the Little Church in the Valley. Hoping to head off a lawsuit, Elder Cheatum arrived early that Friday morning at the Blairsville General Hospital. From the nurses station, Elder Cheatum learned that his old friend was doing well and could receive visitors. The Elder peaked through the crack in the door of room 333 and saw his old friend sitting up in the bed watching TV. Pushing open the door, Elder Cheatum greeted his old friend, “How are you doing you old coot?”

Hugh Morris turned towards the Elder and answered, “Who are you callin’ an old coot, you old coot?” They both laugh at the reference to their high school days playing football for the Nunsuch High Cooters. “I’m doing pretty good, they’re going to let me out tomorrow if I don’t do anything funny.”, said Hugh. “I told them I couldn’t promise that, there’s one little red-headed nurse I’d like to make my third wife, or at least take her through the application process.” The old friends laughed again.

Treading carefully, the Elder asked, “What happened?”

“Well, I feel pretty stupid now, but Constance Winer told me that the young fellow Bill Foldes had something goin’ for him.” “She said that she really felt a surge of power when he laid hands on her.” “So, I thought, what the heck.” “My arthritis has been killing me lately.” “It’s been keeping me from the things I love, if you know what I mean.”

At this point Hugh gave a wink to the Elder and then continued, “The young feller took a hold of my head, and I remember a jolt and seeing a white light kind of on the inside of my forehead, and, that’s it.” “It was kind of like when the chiropractor cracks your neck real good, you get this charge, and then relief.” “But I ain’t ever blacked out at the chiropractor’s before, and he ain’t never tripped my pacemaker, so I guess there’s that too.”

The Elder tried to keep his face impassive as he asked, “Tripped your pacemaker, what do you mean?”

“Well, they said my battery was dead when I got here, and so they gave me a new one. It ain’t no big deal, I was going to have to do it anyway in another couple or three years.” “The doctors say sometimes the batteries don’t live up to their warranty.” “I guess my extracurricular activities have shortened my battery life.” Hugh said as he grinned at the Elder.

Elder Cheatum grinned back and said, “What did the doctors say caused your fainting spell?” The Elder was purposefully making light of the situation.

“If they know, they didn’t say, I guess it’s that my battery died.” “They put in a new battery and the old ticker is running like a Swiss clock, so I guess problem solved.” “You know they ain’t got much time to do analysis, it’s just patch up, send you on your way, who’s next?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right, medicine ain’t what it used to be.” “Oh, I almost forgot, I brought you something to kill time with while you’re mending.” With that, the Elder brought out the autographed copy of the Right Reverend Hap T. Johnstone’s latest book, “Dancing on the Streets of Gold”. “It’s made out to you and everything.”

“Well, I guess if you couldn’t bring that pretty little secretary of his, this will have to do.” “But a real friend would have brought that little secretary.”

The Elder laughed and said, “Let’s remember you just got new batteries, no point in discharging them all at once.”

The Elder leaned over to give his friend a “bro hug” and asked, “Do you want me to pray with you?”

“Naw, let’s save that for something serious, like if the Falcons ever get to the Super Bowl.”

“Well, I guess we’ll never be praying together”, the Elder said as he turned to leave. “I’m glad you’re ok and coming back to us.” “See you Sunday?”

“Sure, I’ll be there,” Hugh said, “thanks for coming by, it means the world to me to have such a good friend as you.”

The Elder was out of the hospital like he had been shot out of a cannon. He hated hospitals, hated everything about them. It was true that the hospitals sent him a lot of business, particularly Blairsville General Hospital, but the financial rewards did not offset the Elder’s acute nosocomephobia. Had it not been for the severity of the situation, and his close relationship with Hugh Morris, Elder Cheatum would have gotten no closer to the hospital than the parking lot. Making a pickup at the ambulance receiving dock had given him the hives the last time the Elder had taken his turn. Fortunately they had hired a trainee to handle all of the more distasteful tasks for them now. “One man’s phobia is another man’s opportunity,” the Elder reasoned as he pulled into the parking lot of the Little Church in the Valley.

As the Elder pulled into his reserved space on the side of the church opposite of the revival, he could see that another distasteful task was being performed. The port a potty people, “Happy Johnny”, were there doing their daily pumping and refreshing. The church was paying extra for the daily care. The port a potty company normally preferred to leave the potties for at least three days, which was completely unacceptable to the church. There were too many visitors and too many children to not have the facilities be as fresh and clean as possible. Even though the Elders were tempted by the offer of half price, when they asked the company to donate their services, they reckoned they would lose more revenue by people being turned off by dirty potties than they would gain from the discounted price. “Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do the right thing,” the Elder reasoned.

The “Happy Johnny” employee was arguing loudly with Annie Howe, and Elder Cheatum rushed over to see what the problem was. As the Elder joined the confrontation, Annie exploded before the Elder could even asked what was going on. “He’s a blasphemer and I want him and his company banned!” Annie screamed.

The “Happy Johnny” employee, Tory, looked rather sheepishly at the the Elder and responded, “It ain’t that big a deal, ya’ll just need to get a sense of humor, ya know?”

“Sense of humor, sense of humor?” Annie yelled. “I’m doing my business, and I hear this heathen outside my door taking the Lord’s name in vain, and then I hear him say, and I quote, ‘I always said these snake charmers were full of crap.'” It made me so mad that I couldn’t even finish.” Annie continued, “I want him and his company banned forever from these premises.” 

“Ok, Annie, I’m here now, I’ll take care of it.” The Elder said as he put a comforting arm around the shoulders of Annie Howe. “I tell you what, go over to the Rectory and use the bathroom there.” “Tell whoever is inside that I said it’s ok.” “Ok?”

“Yes sir, thank you”, Annie responded and headed towards the Rectory.

“Young man;” Elder Cheatum began, “Tory, you have done my church a grievous wrong, and unsettled one of our most devoted followers. ” “This action will not be forgotten, and you best call your boss right away to let him know what you’ve done.” “I will be calling him later to tell him how we need to proceed in the future, if we do.” “At the least, you are not to return to here after today.” “Finish your job properly, and then be on your way.”

Tory started to respond, but the Elder had already spun on his heel and was headed for the Rectory.

“Day five is starting with a bang”, the Elder thought as he opened the front door to the Rectory.

Good morning, y’all. Well, clearly something in the Florida water is causing the crazies to run amok now. Yesterday a singer, today fifty innocents in a bar. I know the NRA is going to say it was a person that killed the innocents, not the gun. It’s just that the gun made it so much more easy to do. It would be interesting to see if Disney is strong enough to take on the gun lobby. Boycott Epcot until the NRA backs down.

Speaking of boycotts, that’s what the Elders of the Little Church in the Valley were hoping to avoid on the fourth night of Summer Revival 2010. Elder Cheatum entered Tent number one to see the Right Reverend Hap T. Johnstone beginning his altar call and Testament of Faith. While the Elder was surprised to see the Right Reverend behind the pulpit, he was even more surprised to see that the Right Reverend was dressed in black tie, complete with gloves, top hat and cane.

“Close your mouth before you start catching flies”. Elder Cheatum turned to see where the advice was being dispensed from. It was Bubba Hawker, who had slipped beside of the Elder when he entered the tent. As usual, Bubba was grinning from ear to ear, and he spoke directly in to the Elder’s ear, “He’s really somethin’, ain’t he?”

“Yes he is”, the Elder responded, “Do you remember what the sermon was on?”

“Of course I do, ‘The Perils of Prosperity'”, “Reverend Johnstone dressed up like Richey Rich to show us how silly rich folks look.”, ” I ain’t ever seen anybody dressed like that, have you?”, Bubba asked.

“Once or twice”, the Elder answered, “but never a Pentecostal preacher.” “How was the sermon?”

“Real good, I always like the part where it’s easier to thread a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to get a rich man in to Heaven.” “I always think about how big that needle would have to be to get a camel to go through it.” “Did you hear about Hugh Morris?”

“Yes, I did, what did you hear?”, the Elder quizzed.

“I heard that Brother Hugh was asking for help with his arthritis and the spirit just came through that new preacher and gave Hugh such a jolt that it knocked old Hugh out colder than a mackerel”. “They took him to the hospital cause he wasn’t speaking or nothing.”, “It was like the spirit had a hold of him but wouldn’t let him dance or speak in tongues or nothing.”

During the conversation, Hap T. Johnstone managed to get through the Testament of Faith without killing the snake, or anybody else. Folks were lining up for Hap’s blessing and, hopefully, a healing. The Elder wondered if Hap was going to leave the gloves on, and if he did, if there would be any repercussions. The gloves stayed on, and any protestations by the afflicted were drowned out by the Right Reverend’s constant stream of glossolalia. This was not your normal tongues, this was tongues at maximum volume. Like any good magician, the Right Reverend was skilled at the art of misdirection. If anyone complained about the loss of skin to skin contact, they were not heard.

Elder Cheatum slipped out of the tent and walked over to the concession stand setup alongside of Hap’s tour bus. Hap’s stand seemed to be doing a brisk business. The Elder decided to get in line to purchase Hap’s latest book, “Dancing on the Streets of Gold”.  As he paid for the book, cash only, the Elder asked the cashier how they were doing.

“Real good, real good”, “I think this has been our best stop so far this year”. “‘Course we’re going to Atlanta next, that’s about forty thousand people, but you’ve got to share them with a bunch more ministries.” The cashier kept ringing up sales while the Elder moved to the side to keep from impeding the customers.

“I heard that”, the Elder replied. “Do you think Hap will be signing books tonight, I’d kind of like to get this personalized.”

“You can leave it if you like and I’ll see to it that it gets signed, or, he should be here in a few minutes if you want to wait.” “He quits at 10PM, and it’s 10 til now.”

“That’s a good idea, I think I’ll wait, there’s some lawn chairs on the other side of the bus, right?”,  the Elder nodded in the direction of the other side of the bus.

“Sure, just make yourself at home.”, the cashier said without missing a beat in her sales.

The Elder was surprised to find the other side of the bus was pitch dark. He was even more surprised to see a figure, that he correctly identified as Ms. Crystal Lite, making her way through the darkness. She was coming from the area set aside for the revival ministers campers. By the Elder’s line of site, she was coming from the direction of a Coleman Taos popup trailer painted in the blue and orange of the University of Florida.

Ms. Lite didn’t see the Elder until she was almost on top of him. With a “whoop” she acknowledged the Elder’s presence and then said, “I didn’t see you there, how long have you been sitting in the dark by yourself?”

“Not long, I was just waiting for Hap to finish so he could sign my book.” The Elder held up the book as proof of his story. “I would have thought you’d be back at the tent assisting the Right Reverend.”

“Well, I am assisting.” “Reverend Johnstone has been bathing in oatmeal to help his rash.” “I’m going to prepare his bath right now.”

“Ahhhh”, replied the Elder, “Well I guess you better get to it, it’s five after ten.”

“Yes, I will, let me turn the light on for you, I don’t want you scaring the Reverend Johnstone.”

“That’s ok, I don’t want to have to be fighting off the bugs.”, the Elder replied. 

“Oh, the bugs are no problem, we got a zapper that comes on when the lights come on.” “Reverend Johnstone hates bugs.”

“Ok then, sure.” For the next five minutes Elder Cheatum listened to the bugs being zapped until the Right Reverend Johnstone turned the corner of the tour bus in all of his resplendent glory.

“Well, hidi hidi hidi ho, if you don’t look like Cab Calloway at The Cotton Club.”, the Elder said. “What have you got lined up for tomorrow night, a spacesuit?”

“That’s a good idea, I hadn’t thought of that.”, said the Right Reverend, “I guess you’ll just have to come to the show to find out.”

“Not if I pull the plug on this little charade, I don’t.” “I’m sure there’s probably nothing anywhere that says that the laying of hands has to have actual exposed skin come in to contact with actual exposed skin, but it’s certainly the spirit of the thing.” “Come a little closer, I want to see your face.”

“I don’t have to show you my face”, Hap protested.

“You do if you want to keep getting paid”, the Elder responded.

The adversaries moved closer together under the light as the zapper sent another firefly to bug Heaven.

Hap Johnstone had about an half inch layer of foundation makeup starting at his neckline and extending into his hairline. The Elder had to admit, it was a good job, and, the Elder was very familiar with makeup being used to cover up imperfections.

“Satisfied?” asked the Right Reverend.

“For now.”, the Elder replied, “We’ll be discussing this tomorrow at the committee meeting, so don’t get too sure of yourself.”

“Sure, whatever, want me to sign your book?”, Hap inquired.

“Oh, yeah, it’s for a friend”, the Elder replied, “Just sign it, ‘To  Hugh Morris, My most healing thoughts for your speedy recovery. Sincerely, The Right Reverend Hap T. Johnstone.’

“That it?”, Hap said as he opened the door to the tour bus. 

“For tonight, now go jump into that big tub of oatmeal, I hear it’s real soothing.”, the Elder replied. 

Elder Cheatum figured he’d let Hap worry about how he had gained that knowledge. The Elder had secrets too, yes indeed.

Good morning, y’all. We awaken to the news that a pop singer has been shot to her death in Orlando. No reason is given, just a crazy person who had access to guns. If I were a cynical person, I would be happy that he saved the state the expense of a trial by killing himself, but that is the low road. If we “did unto others” as we should, the young man would have gotten help, and both of the people would still be alive. At some point we have to realize it’s cheaper in the long run to help the troubled, rather than arm them.

Speaking of being troubled leads us back into the retelling of the history of the Little House in the Valley. It is Thursday night of Summer Revival 2010. Elder Cheatum is calling an emergency meeting of the Elders to deal with a two-pronged attack on the church’s viability. First, lifelong member, Hugh Morris appears to be dead as a result of the “healing” he received at the hands of Reverend Bill Foldes. Second, the hands of Reverend Foldes are wired with electrical contacts that have been used to provide shocks to the people seeking his blessing. Elder Cheatum sees liability issues for the church that stretch to the Second Coming and beyond.

As the other Elders arrive at the rectory, Elder Cheatum instructed the young reverend to remain silent until everyone had arrived. Reverend Daniel Hawker is the last to arrive. His comment, “My stars and garters!”, seemed to encapsulate the moment without taking the Lord’s name in vain. Elder Cheatum quickly related to the group that Hugh Morris had apparently died after being shocked by Reverend Foldes. The Elder looked at the young reverend and said, “You may now, speak”. Reverend Bill Foldes opened his mouth and let it flow.

For fifteen minutes, without pausing, or taking a breath, the reverend rationalized every action of his life. Reverend Foldes had severe daddy issues. “He was never good enough in his daddy’s eyes”, “Never worked hard enough, never sacrificed enough”. The son, “Had it too easy all of his life.” The young reverend had wanted to show his daddy that he could get his own church before he was thirty, something his daddy had not done. Reverend Foldes finished his life story with, “I never thought it would hurt anyone, I never meant to hurt anyone.” After his confession, all of the steam had been let out of the young reverend. He started pulling the wiring and battery pack from his body and then set the contraption down on the kitchen table. “Can I go now?”, he asked.

“Hell no!” was Elder Cheatum’s quick response, followed by “Sorry, Daniel”. Reverend Daniel forgave the misstep with a wave of his hand.

“You set in that chair over there and don’t move until we tell you to, got that?”, Elder Cheatum pointed to a chair in the kitchen. “Your stupidity, your lack of faith, your weakness, has placed this church in a very bad position” “We’re not leaving this room until we have a plan for counteracting your actions.” Elder Cheatum watched Reverend Foldes sit down in the chair before turning to the committee seated around the table. “Has anybody got any ideas?”

Elder Wiley rocked back on his chair, “First rule of damage control, assess the damage”, “Do we know for sure that Hugh is dead?”, “Second rule of damage control, limit the damage” “I’m assuming that the young feller is done using that apparatus and that he doesn’t have any backups stored anywhere?”

All eyes land on the young reverend, who responds, “No, that’s the only one, and I’m done with it.” “OK”, Elder Wiley continues, “Third rule of damage control, control the message”, “Who all knows about this mess?”

Elder Cheatum responds, “I think we’re it.” “I got young Edison there out of the tent as quick as I could.” “I don’t think anybody saw or heard anything.”

“Good”, Elder Wiley looks at Reverend Foldes and continues,”Have you knocked anyone else out with this contraption?” “Has anyone complained to you about being shocked?”

The young reverend starts to get out of his chair to explain his position better, but is stared back into seating by the collective looks of disapproval from the group. “No, nobody has complained” “I just added the new battery pack tonight.” “I wanted to really impress you all since it was my night in Tent number one.”

“Well, you did that”, Elder Wiley responds, “In ninety years we’ve never come across anyone this stupid, I’m sure everyone is as impressed as I am.” Elder Wiley turns back to the table. “Daniel, I think you ought to call the hospital and see what you can find out.” “Inquiries from you will look better at this point than from Buster, Barry or me.” Elder Wiley is referencing the first names of his partners in the local funeral home.

“Ok”, Reverend Daniel responds, “I’ll go and do that now.” Daniel heads out to the porch to make the call in private. He returns in a few minutes and exhales a great sigh before announcing, “He’s alive, the old coot is still alive.” Sighs are exhaled all around the table, and the young reverend releases a small whimper from his spot in the kitchen. “They say he’s resting comfortably right now, and should recover fully.” “That is, as fully as a seventy year old man with a pacemaker can.”, “Did you all know Hugh had a pacemaker?” Reverend Daniel looks all around the table for a response. Everyone responds, “no”, and Reverend Daniel takes his seat at the table.

Elder Wiley spins his chair around to address the young reverend, “It appears you may have dodged a bullet young man, in more ways than one.” “Right now I am of the opinion that you should return to your room and spend the rest of the evening in deep reflection.” “The apparatus will remain with us, and you will be searched before being allowed back on the stage.” A collective, “What?”, emanates from the table, and Elder Wiley raises his hands to quieten the group. “Hear me out”, “Our best course of action is to act like this never happened”, “If Hugh doesn’t suspect anything, and no one else complains, we’re all just going to develop a case of selective amnesia.”, “We’ll send this one back to his daddy with instructions to not let him out into the wild again until he’s got better sense.”, “Does anyone have any better thoughts?”

The group looked at one another. Elder Cheatum spoke first, “It’s true, we’d probably have to cancel the rest of the revival if we lost two preachers.”, “I think we might be able to cover losing Hap, but I don’t think we could cover the schedule with just four preachers.”, “I was counting on Daniel filling in for whoever filled in for Hap.” “I say we go with the plan, it gives us plausible deniability.” “From this day forward, we never speak of the matter again, agreed?”

The Little Church in the Valley’s highest officials nodded their heads in unison, and the matter was concluded. 

“Oh my Lord, I forgot about Hap”, Elder Cheatum says as he jumps out of his chair. “You, you come with me.”, he says pointing to Reverend Foldes. The two conspirators get half way across the parking lot when Elder Cheatum stops and grabs the young reverend by the arm. “You’ve been given a second chance, I don’t know why, but don’t blow it”, “Remember this night for as long as you live, and remember you were given a second chance to do good with your life”. Elder Cheatum gave the young man’s arm an extra squeeze and pushed him in the direction of the travel trailers set up at the back of the lot. “Now, go and get some rest, you’re going to have a big day tomorrow.” Elder Cheatum headed to Tent number one, crisis number two.

Good morning, y’all. What more do I have to say than it’s the thirtieth anniversary of the release of “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”. I wish the weather here was such that we could go to a ballgame, ride around in a Ferrari with the top down, or just generally be merry pranksters. It’s not, it’s hot, and watching the movie on my Betamax in the Rec room was all of the energy I could muster for a hot, hot Friday night.

As we continue our tale of history of the Little Church in the Valley, making it to Friday was a goal for the committee searching for a new minister. On Thursday, Elder Cheatum was confronted with the fact that his headliner, the Right Reverend Hap T. Johnstone was covered in boils. Well, not boils so much as really big pimples, but still, not a good look for a healer.

Elder Cheatum headed back to the rectory to see how many of the members of the committee were on hand, and if they needed to call anyone in to get a quorum. All the members of the committee were still on the grounds, and all but Mulva Lite were rounded up for the meeting. Mulva was in charge of the Ladies Auxillary’s preparation of supper that night, and it was felt her efforts were best served getting everyone fed.

Elder Cheatum related his confrontation with the Right Reverend Hap T. Johnstone as dispassionately as he could to the other members. Tonight’s lineup, as revealed by the Excel spreadsheet, showed Bill Foldes opening for Hap T. Johnstone in Tent One, Rocky Rhoades opening for Al DaBino in Tent Two, and Dale E. Bread opening for Brighton Early in Tent Three. The committee looked from one to another for a solution to replacing their headliner. It was resolved that either Dale E. Bread or Rocky Rhoades could step in if Hap Johnstone could not go on.

The committee leaned towards Reverend Bread, he had done so well in his turn on Tuesday night. Others pointed out that it should be Reverend Rhoades since he had not had a turn before a really big crowd. The crowds would undoubtedly fall off after word got out that the headliner was not performing. The decision was decided that Elder Cheatum was to alert Reverend Rhoades, and Reverend Bread, that there might be a lineup change. They would need to “stay close” in case they were needed. Feeling like they had beaten the subject to death, the committee left the rectory and walked to the picnic tables setup for tonight’s supper.

They were the first to arrive, and, as a result, grabbed the table closest to the kettles of oil being used to deep fry the catfish and hushpuppies. The committee had already had “firsts” when the rest of the invited arrived. The mood of all seemed to be spirited and altogether jovial. There was some good-natured fun poked at Reverend Rhoades, who was not aware that a bottom feeding fish could be battered and deep fried into a delicacy. Reverend Rhoades grabbed a big laugh from the crowd when he asked, “And I suppose these use to be ugly suede shoes that have been battered and deep-fried?” as he bit into huspuppy. Everyone had a good laugh, and then the Reverend Rhoades showed he had just as much charisma as the Reverend Bread when he continued with, “I’m sure even if they had been shoes, these ladies would turn them into something scrumptious.”

Elder Cheatum waited for the focus to move away from Reverend Rhoades before approaching him with the possible schedule change. Reverend Rhoades seemed to be eager for the chance, while expressing concern for Hap Johnstone’s health. The Elder assured  Reverend Rhoades that it was just a possibility, not a sure thing, before moving off to locate Reverend Bread. Reverend Bread was spotted eating at the picnic table furthest from the committee, sitting next to Ms. Leer. The Elder felt like he was breaking into a very private conversation, and half way wondered if his news would be redundant. Ms. Leer might already be telling Reverend Bread of the severity of the Right Reverend Johnstone’s condition. Still, the Elder need to make sure that Reverend Bread was on board, so he walked over to the couple and cleared his throat.

The couple broke off their conversation immediately, and Elder Cheatum alerted Reverend Bread to keep himself available for any eventuality. Ms. Leer made no comment until asked specifically if the Reverend Johnstone was feeling any better. Crystal replied, “a little”, but then assured Elder Cheatum that Hap was going on, if he had to “wrestle with the devil himself to get on that stage.” Amused at the possibility, Elder Cheatum walked off to do his final walk around.

Satisfied that all of the processes that the committee were responsible for were functioning as well as could be expected, the Elder headed to Tent number one. As he arrived at the tent, the lights throughout the parking lot flickered and the hymn, “All Are Welcome” starting playing over the loud speakers. Elder Cheatum slipped into the last row of the tent as Reverend William J. Foldes took the stage.

Reverend Foldes, like Reverend Early, was freshly ordained by The Pentecostal Theological Seminary over in Cleveland. Reverend Foldes had returned back to his hometown of Asheville, after graduation, to assist his dad while waiting for his first post. Reverend Foldes was second generation clergy. Reverend Foldes, the elder, was minister to the “My Love Is A Rock” church in West Asheville. In spite of the fact that snake handling is illegal in North Carolina, Reverend Foldes serpent skills were respectable. Where Reverend Foldes was believed to excel was in the laying of hands. There were very positive reports coming from the afflicted returning from the Reverend Foldes’s services.

Elder Cheatum was more than just a little amused at Reverend Foldes’ garb. The young Reverend was decked out in full canonical robes. For this time of year, it seemed like the absolute worst choice of clothing. In addition, the Little Church in the Valley prided itself on its relaxed attitude, and the robes gave the impression of worshiping in the Vatican. The Elder hoped the attendees of the revival would not be too turned off by the ostentatiousness of the robes. Clothing was something the committee could correct, though, and Elder Cheatum paid attention to what the young man had to say.

The Reverend’s sermon was entitled, “God Heals Today”, and the young man did a good job with it. The Elder was impressed with how the young man had taken an old standard from the Pentecostal playbook and made it his own. That took real skill. Before the Elder had time to squirm in his seat, the sermon was over and the young reverend was headed down to the floor in front of the altar for the Testament of Faith. Reverend Foldes did a credible job with the serpents and before long he was positioning himself to bring relief to the afflicted lined up before him. Evidently his fame had proceeded him as the aisles were as full as they were for Hap Johnstone.

Elder Cheatum was making a mental note that the young Reverend had not spoken in tongues during the sermon or during the Testament of Faith and wondered if the spirit was going to express himself during the laying of hands. As afflicted waited patiently for their turn, Elder Cheatum saw his old friend Hugh Morris queue up to the front of the line. What happened next changed the course of the Little Church in the Valley forever.

Following the precepts of laying of hands 101, the young reverend grabbed the afflicted by both ears and gave their head a back and forth shaking. Next, he placed his hands on the believer’s forehead and gave a squeeze and then a push. While he manipulated the afflicted, the Reverend spoke in the unknown language briefly, and then he pushed the believer back. While the “healed” member was caught by a church Elder, Reverend Folde’s normal speaking voice returned and he proceeded to the next in line. All was going smoothly until Hugh Morris placed his faith in Jesus and his life in the hands of Reverend William J. Foldes.

Hugh fell back so suddenly and heavily after being grabbed by Reverend Foldes that the Elder did not catch him. Hugh hit the ground with a thud. Attempts to help Hugh back up failed, and after a minute or so, the folks around the altar realized they had a real problem. Calls to “call 911” came from the front of the tent and pandemonium was breaking loose. Elder Cheatum rushed to the front of the tent to lend assistance, and knelt beside his old friend to offer comfort him. Elder Cheatum looked back at the young reverend from his vantage point on the floor and he could see something at the base of the Reverend’s palm, just under the sleeve of the Reverend’s robe. The Elder swiftly left the side of his old friend to go to the altar and confront Reverend Foldes. “We need to talk, quietly, don’t say a word, just come with me.”, the Elder whispered.

Elder Cheatum took the reverend out through the back of the tent and then led him to the rectory. Protestations by the young reverend were just met by a tighter grip and a quickening of the pace. In short order they were inside of the rectory where the Elder made sure the room was clear before ordering the young reverend to remove his robes. Pleas for understanding were not considered. After much a do, Reverend Foldes stood before Elder Cheatum without his robes. There were wires taped to his arms that led to contact points in the palms of his hands. The wires continued to the Reverend’s back where they connected to a battery pack containing several nine volt batteries. The battery pack was strapped to the small of the reverend’s back.

As the sirens of the ambulance filled the parking lot of the revival, Elder Cheatum started the phone tree for an emergency meeting of the committee. “Why me o’ Lord, why me” the Elder asked to no one in particular.